The Tortoise General

U-God's Resume #34, "Bizarre"

2012-02-29T08:48:00.000-05:00

--Official Stats--
Artist: U-God
Song: 6. "Bizarre"
Producer: Bink
Album: Golden Arms Redemption
Release Date: October 5, 1999

So far my complaints with this abysmal album have been the lyrics (to some extent) and the production (to a lot of extent). So everything I guess. And seeing that the producer of this song is a guy (?) named "Bink" is not a good sign of things to come. Bink? Who? Let's investigate. Oh, he's produced a lot of songs for people who I respect. So, even though I don't specifically remember any of his work, I have some hope that this will be a good song. Plus, it is so buried on the album that I probably checked out mentally by the time it came up in the rotation the first (and only) time I heard this album. Let's notch those hopes a bit higher, shall we. Not to mention I see that this song was the second single off of the album PLUS it contains a Marvin Gaye sample, so $$$ and high hopes. I could really use a dope Wu Tang song right about now.

HOWEVER, on the flip side, the title Bizarre is a bit unsettling. By that I mean it sounds dumb. I hope that the chorus isn't U-God just saying "Bizarre" or "so bizarre" or something like that. Plus all of the preceding songs on this album have been awful, so let's adjust our expectations accordingly. This track will be tolerable. Done. Live. Let's hear it...(it has an official video!)...

6. "Bizarre"

Hey! That wasn't too bad. But it was also very tedious. Also, what did you expect? I guess the production was good. But the video, did you see that? Let's talk about that first. WTF for real? Right? Why is the Wu so sucky at videos?

Okay, so "AGENT GOLDEN ARMS" is sitting in his weird Wu throne watching TV and he gets a "mission". He has to "retrieve top secret data". Okay! That sounds reasonable. So we see him leave his lair (in an office building) and with his weird hat and even weirder outfit he sets off in a very paranoid way. Is someone following him? OH! His lair isn't in the office building, his mission is in the office building. He's already going at it. No duh I guess, it was a very fast transition. So he finds a computer by a nice lamp and an American Flag and he "accesses" the data. He's that good and that was so easy for him.

Next we see some dudes sitting around a different computer. Are they at a community college? Is this an "Introduction to Computers" class? Wait! Once U gets that data the alarm sounds and the beat drops. The students scramble! U-God has infiltrated your defenses. Why is it that the alarm flashes the regular lighting? Who knows? Maybe it's just Jason Hunter flashing the light switch.

So we have U-God in a football field (again! just like his other video) ...and we also have him in the office at the community college on his mission getting surrounded while he puts his Wu Belt Buckle in your freaking face. I'm not sure if U-God is a bad guy or what, but some people race up to him and point something at him that doesn't look like a gun. I guess it's their mood rings. U responds by throwing two Wu logos at three guys. It works: the guys hands are pushed away kind of. Then we have some "fist fighting" cut into U rapping in an elevator. Cool? Bizarre? Then U jumps on the table and disappears in a swirl of lightening. Then he does some flips on the roof, wouldn't you?

He's happy he got the data.

So then we have some more "fighting", more mood ring shooting, and some laser dodging.

Ring shoot and dodge.

Then U jumps off a building near the Empire State Building! The people chasing him might be calm, but the guy who owns the data is not happy.

Hahhaha? That guy is in big trouble now! Then U-God goes down a manhole! Is that manhole in the football field? Is that sewer bigger than your average mall? Yes to both questions! Let's move on. So the worst bad guy is on U's trail and goes right to the manhole. Then he does what we all did and laugh at the whole concept.

Hahahhaa, a manhole!

Will that guy go down there and give chase? Of course not. But now we see U going up a ladder and right back out of a manhole. Is it the same manhole? Or was it a quck in and out? Whatever it was, the elaborate escape plan doesn't work for long, there is a bad guy waiting for him right outside the manhole, so U hits him with the manhole cover. Ka-Plow! But U is surrounded (again) and goes down at the business end of a tazer (I guess, it's hard to tell). So then U's limp body is brought before that angry guy from before, but now he's happy becasue he's going to get his data back!

So then they electroude U-God's head as he sits slumped in his throne. Then some lady starts sneaking around a mansion, probably the mansion where U is being kept.

Who Dat?

She sneaks into the room where U-God is slumped? And starts fighting! Huzzah! U-God wakes up and starts fighting too! Excitement! X-Citement! Then, uh, U-God's girlfriend puts another woman in some sort of submission hold and while holding her U-God plows her face with a mega-punch...while she was being held down and unable to defend herself. Ka-Plow! Dat's Gangsta!

Then U and his girlfriend jump through a wall with an explosion of dust. Then they are in a car or something, the main henchmen is back on the case. Uh, there is a motorcycle or something. Finally, the main henchmen does like ten flips onto the football field where U has been rapping and they start the hand-to-hand combat. U-God atomic kicks him in the face with a flash of light and the video ends. Mission Accomplished!

"Our nation thanks Baby U!" - G.W. Bush, 1999

So I guess we should just summarize the everything we just saw. The long version: U-God, wearing dumb costumes, is activated to "retrieve data". He walks right up to a computer and steals the data, alerting the owner. Then, when confronted, U-God jumps on a table and teleports to a rooftop, then he jumps off of that and goes into the sewer like a ninja turtle. The main henchmen figures out where he went and ambushes him when he comes out. U-God is captured and is tortured. He comes aroound just as a woman starts rescuing him. He punches a woman who is basically defenseless in the face, then he jumps through a wall and drives off. Then he fights in a football field.

Okay, now for the short version: that was wack.

I have a lot of questions, like, for example, why didn't U-God use that teleportation ability more often? What's with all the jumping? Why is U doing missions instead of assigning missions? Did the RZA assign that mission? What was the data? Why did U break that woman's jaw? Who knows, but at lea...HOLY SHIT WE STILL HAVE TO REVIEW THE ACTUAL SONG! THAT WAS A MAJOR SIDETRACK!

EH! It's crap. I mean, the beat is not too bad...definitely the best of the album so far, but the whole thing is just kind of boring. The chorus is also the best of the album so far, but even it's just boring. So this track sucks and makes me feel bored. And the video stinks. Done. Get me outta here...

Feel the heat from the streets, I got to eat
Talk what I walk, I stomp with bronze feet
Ancient spells, yell doo rag sheet
Jump on the jam [when 36 peak]
Beat up the beat, overload rap street [kicks]
Cape in the wind like the John Woo flix
Now, [take the] spirit, crash more clearer
The spreadin of body, covers the man in the mirror
Kick down the door, unleash the Terror Fam
Cracklin', screamin', crime who I am

[We hails crush gold rush] eye on the tiger rap
Rule the rough mind snap, [fire this nine] strap
Beneath clothin, prehaps be [goalin']
The gold and wise dome poems, [blizzard unknown]
The unforbidden, got to live, wildstyle begun
To uplift the mind, boy I'll bring out the sun

[Chorus x2: U-God]
You trapped in this raps in this world bizarre
And ya hit pretty hard in the city of frauds
but uplift the mind and I heal ya scars
Cuz risk pullers small, we all shinin stars

[U-God]
Now, first of all, yo, we ain't no saints
Can we lay in the trench and rock the war paints?
The same villian, scheme, [pimp-agate] the rhythm mean
My self-esteem, my '98 team hit 'em
Link spot blast, even though I shot last
The underdog stranger, superfreak hot blast
The hard drop rip is a hostile swing
Kiss my Redemption with a fist full of sting
Swift with the gifts, it's the God Body Squad
It's not a myth, we defy all laws
Now, reach for the stars, now top to the limit
but, all in the all be grateful to be livin
While we work the muscle, we meditate the hustle
Serious the world, experience this struggle
The razor voice, [flavor choice team, we steam]
We feelin calmy now to dominate the scene
The grass more green, attack speed dem
The cliffhanger vaccine, man in machine
Now from round one, mayor style sum
I won't stop the war till y'all drown in my drum

[Chorus x2]

[U-God]
Now, here come the rhythm, style that's moist
Now, it's up from the Hell with the olive oil voice
Now hurry my hurt, bury dirt deep within
Against witty rap war startin, robbin in the wind
Great blue skies and the great red birds
From the pitch black city with the long length verbs
Golden Arms song truly to restore the Earth's beauty
Grant me a beast, stamp kill me with the jury
When I tone a capell, Hell has no fury
A force has awakened, breath-takin vengeance
Midnight power plant, seekin the menace
My wrestlin vest, lyric fresh, dry bone
My appetite distruction is official cyclones
Thai poems, my throne
One shot deal, bigger homes, bigger stones
It's on now!!!

[Chorus x2]

Track Score: 3/10
U-God’s Score: 3/10
Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Harms

Next Week: U-God's wrath continues with the next track on the album:"Rumble"

About this series: U-God’s Resume is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

Febdrakeuary: 55 Ways You Know You're a Drake Fan

2012-02-27T08:00:00.000-05:00

Not long ago we were exploring the internet and discovered "10 Things You Should Know About Drake" on a Drake fan site (DrizzyDrake.org). We learned a lot of things about Drake that day that we should have already known apparently. For example, we learned that Drake looks in the mirror and also loves top ten lists! So we are reviewing a top ten list today! Actually, it's a top 55 list. HOLY CRAP!!!!!! 55 is A LOT, but at least this should settle it once and for all: are we Drake Fans or aren't we? The original article is Bolded Gray, Tort Team Comments are Green Italics (we also omitted the "You know your a Drake fan..." from the start of each item becasue that whole thing would be repeated every time, NO THANKS)...

"You Know Your A Drake Fan When…"

by Team Drake (lol)

If you ever think about it, when do you draw the line and think to your self, “Wow I’m really a Drake fan” lol. Here’s a long list compiled from different fans of why they’re Drizzy fans or aka Team Drake! Some of these are pretty funny. Once you get done going through all the reasons, think about why you know your a Drake fan.

1. You know you’re a Drake fan when your tearing up at the TML signing on camera.

Right off the bat: I'm not a fan I guess. I've never teared up at "the TML" singing anywhere (is TML "Thank Me Later"?). Plus I'm not a fan of confusion between "you're" and "your".

2. ...when teddy grahams remind you of him.

Nope. And what does that mean?

3. ...when you don’t have the channel noggin so you wake up early at 945 on summer mornings to catch Degrassi at 10 on mtv hoping its an episode that drakes in a lot.
I've never watched a sigle episode of Degrassi, but I am a fan of making fun of it in long reviews.

4. ...when every ringtone on your phone is drake related.None of mine are!

5. ...when you get a So Far Gone tattoo.

I don't have any Drake related Tattoos and I don't like this one.

I think this might be the bigger fan though...

6. ...when you promote Drake to everyone like your his manager and when they pay him a compliment, you reply thank you.

Eh...I never even talk about Drake unless I'm talking about Common.

7. ...when you cry like baby when he falls on stage in your hometown and then you push bitches out of the way cause your pissed.

I actually like that he fell, that's funny...and nobody should touch anyone else. Grow up, kids.

8. ...you call 3 barnes and nobles and 2 borders within a 30 miles radius of your house looking for the Fader Magazine. And then you drive 20 minutes to pick it up

I'm not even sure what this means. But I know I didn't do it. Fader? Really? Buying magazines (do people still do that?).

9. ...when one of ya’ teacher comes to you and asks you about him because she heard about him so much and people told her that you the person she looking for.

Teachers are the worst, especially when you the person she looking for.

10. ...when you spaz out when you watching a youTube video.

The first Drake video we ever watched was when we had to write this review, and nobody spazed out anything...unless spaz means "sat quietly".

11. ...when you here he’ll have a small clip on 106 and park and set your TV to record the whole week. You know, just to make sure.

106 & Park! Is that still around? I've never watched an episode of that. I used to watch Rap City though.

12. ...when you have a section of Drake pictures in your phone and you put a lock code cause ya’ friends stay making fun of you

Nope. Good move locking that down though.

13. ...when you let your mother listen to all your Drake mixtapes, and now she’s a bigger fan than you are.

I'm glad that Drake is uniting famlies, but I don't have a mother or a Drake mixtape. :(

14. ...when you’ve considered making a shrine to him in your closet but decided not to because that’s a little too much. (think Helga in “Hey Arnold”)

No thoughts of making a shrine, and have no idea about Helga or "Hey Arnold". I guess I'm out the loop! **SPAZ** LOOL.

15. ...when you don’t answer your phone for your friends because your on the internet reading up on Drake.

Friend: What are you doing, why didn’t you answer your phone?
Me: I was “Draking” off.
Friend: OMG, that’s all you ever do!

Eh...I've done some "reading up" on Drake (actual research), but I would still answer my phone..and I've never, ever, ever "Draked" off.

16. ...when you defend his old hairstyle on a regular basis. (You know, the mixed kid jewish afro he had from the old Degrassi days.

I don't think I've ever defended anyone's hairstyle. I usually fit into the 'mock everything including hairstyles" camp, chumps.

17. ...when your friends call you drake when your name is really…

Nope. Call me Drake and get punched.

18. ...when you memorize not only the lyric but the sound effects and adlibs to his songs

Nope.

19. ...when everyone at work calls you a ‘Drake Head’

Nope. My coworkers call me a 'recovering alcoholic'.

20. ...when you think you caught Drake eating cheesy fries at the mall lol

That's a lol that I've never done.

21. ...when you’re flipping channels on a Sunday morning and stop on the old school Degrassi episodes and wait until you see Aubrey, smile like a geek then change the channel again.
Didn't we already do this one?

22. ...when nearly 50% of your iPod is Drake’s music.

My Drake content is offically at 0% (except for maybe a few guest spots that I don't remember and that one terrible J. Cole song guest. Barf!)

23. ...when his songs come on in the club & your singing it at the top of your lungs word for word.

Nope.

24. ...when you have his Twitter page bookmarked & you check it every other day

Nope. I check my Twitter page for ways to earn a free $1,00 Target gift card!

25. ...when you and your friend make a video remix of Drake’s hits and Diddy “Hello Goodmorning and upload it to youTube.

Nope. Friends should STOP you from doing this.

26. ...when you thought about carving his face into a bar of soap

Nope. Also, that is really odd.

27. ...when every week you change your blackberry wallpaper & it’s a Drake picture.

Nope. My wallpaper is of my grandkids (jk).

28. ...when you need to watch one of his youtube videos right before you go to bed just to get a better sleep at night.

Nope.

29. ...when your boyfriend is giving you …. and you accidentally call him Drake

Nope. This one sounds made up.

30. ...before you go to a concert you do your excited dance.

Never been to a Drake concert, wouldn't be that excited about it.

31. ...when you can’t help but buy every magazine he’s in, and as you look at the pictures you take a deep breath and all you can say is OHHH MYYYY GODDDD!! Real slow as you flip to the next Picture!

Nope. Where do these people get all this magazine money?

32. ...when you send a text to everyone you know threatening their lives if they dont go buy TML!

I've never done this. But I want someone to send me this text and see if I'm laughing or plotting revenge.

33. ...when you’re at his concert and your friend feels like she’s gonna faint, and you just leave her sitting on the floor in the middle of the crowd because Drake just came out…

I wouldn't leave a man down from my team Drake or no Drake.

34. ...when you listen to “Thank Me Later” on your iPod, then change your mind and listen to the CD then change your mind AGAIN and listen to it on your iPod!

I don't have any Drake songs anywhere.

35. ...when you go and buy every copy of Thank Me Later at your Best Buy

I sincerely hope that Best Buy goes out of business forever soon. This isn't helping.

Thank Me Later...Drake!! from Crooks & Castles on Vimeo.

Good Grief! Drake should be thanking that guy!

36. ...when you have all his youtube videos as your favoirtes and his background on ur twitter page or even have a wallapaper of him on your laptop as ur backround.

HEY WE ALREADY DID THIS ONE TOO.

37. ... when you get jealous and/or semi pissed at some of the girls he has been linked with.

I don't even get remotely pissed.

38. ...when you completely STOP watching Degrassi after he left the show.

I stopped watching it before I saw even one episode, and I didn't even see that one.

39. ...when you keep a spare TML cd in every car you get into, my dad’s, my own, my sister’s and the bf’s.

CD's! Hahahahah! What R those?

40. ...when you got your puppy singing brand new.

Nope. Someone call PETA!

41. ...when your friends can’t get you to shut up about him cause you talk about him 24/7, 7 days aweek

I can (and do) shut up about Drake 24/7, 7 Days a week (uh, isn't that what the '7' means'?).

42. ...when the main reason you have Twitter is for the off chance Drake will Tweet something to you

I have Twitter for the articles and didn't we already cover this one?

43. ...when your friends think you know Drake personally because you know everything about him.

Nope. Your friends are dumb.

44. ...when your driving around and see a group of girls and blast drakes music to let them know whats really good lol…

I've never done that, but I bet that their eyes were opened.

45. ...even after watching Drake shake his head like a bobble head you still love him!

Still don't really like him.

46. ...when you win a burping contest because you burped drake’s whole name/or one of his lines to a song

I'm sure that this is very common contest, but I've never even thought about burping Drake's name.

47. ...when someone skips a track on a Drake cd and you get mad, and make them go back.

Drake fans love CDs! I wouldn't know if a track was skipped on any Drake album ever.

48. ...when your skipping through songs on the radio and then you hear drakes voice and spazz out and blast it in your car for everyone to hear

I don't spazz and I don't listen to the radio (except for NPR, and if Drake came on there I wouldn't spazz.).

49. ...when you searched millions of websites just to listen or read his lyrics or to find more info. about him.. even if the pargraphs are 10 pages long. AND; you get excited when you see his offical fan page!

A 10 page paragraph! I definately wouldn't read that...I feel like this list is 10 pages long.

50. ...when you annoy your friends updating them about Drake, when they never seem to care

I'm sure this Drake post will annoy my friends, but I wouldn't call this an update.

51....when you had a countdown on your desktop for thank me laterrr!!!

No countdown, no thanking anyone at any time, only spell later with one 'r'.

52. ...when you get excitied to clean up a two story house because that’s the only time that you can listen to his cd.

I don't have a two story house, and I don't clean (and I don't listen to Drake). Also, how is it the only time you can listen to it is while you're cleaning? I call bologna on that. Can you not listen to it while you're walking, chilling out, eating, resting, talking on the phone, driving, working out, or updating your Drake fan site?

53. ...when your 30 about to turn 31 and you listen to Drake all day as if your a teenager!!

I'm not 30.

54. ...when your friends call you Mrs Aubrey Drake Graham because they know how much your in love with him.

If anyone called me "Mrs." anything, I'd cut 'em.

55. ...when you read this whole list ^ and watched every single video till the end!

DAMMIT! I read this whole list. But I didn't watch the videos all the way through, so I'm still safe: not a Drake fan.

I’m a Drake fan because… I think it’s a bit obvious

How do you know your a drake fan?

-----------------------------

You know, out of fifty fucking five points, not one of them said this:

You know you're a Drake fan becasue you enjoy his music and you look forward to future releases.

That seems like the obvious one, but who knows. I guess we're not Drake fans. We didn't agree with any of the above statements. Too bad, right? Fans are the worst . Each one of these points are the worst.

Tort Team Drake Fan Score 0/55

Drake Fans Score 0/55

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Daniel Joseph Miller, Comedy Collection

2012-02-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

The Weird Al of Hip Hop

It's time to take a break from all the hatin' we do around here and just have a laugh. Hip hop is usually very serious and it's about time that someone decided to have a little fun and lighten up. That someone is Daniel Joseph Miller*, a native of Missouri who decided to record a few fun tracks just so that we can have a laugh and then get back to our terrible lives reviewing real music.
*Not to be confused with the legitimate (and dope) Newark MC Daniel Joseph

So who is Daniel Joseph Miller (who I will now call DJM)? Who knows? He doesn't have a bio, so all we have is the photo posted above and his hilarious Weird Al rap parody music, which I will review here. He didn't even post it in a mixtape, he just uploaded song by song on SoundCloud. So this post shouldn't really be titled "Yo! That's a Mixtape", it should be called "Yo! I found a bunch of your songs". Same difference incorporated.

So kick off your shoes, turn up your headphones, and don't drink any milk because it will spray out of your nose from laughing!

Let's go! DJM in the PLACE:

1. "Peso5"
Hahahahahahhahah! See what I mean? Right away you can tell that DJM has a natural comedic sense. The long pauses over the stolen beat are too funny. The vocal production and the crappy beat are almost too much. DJM, just sign up for Def Comedy Jam now. You're a shoe in!

"I come from the 'burbs / ain't nothin' wrong with that

big house, nice cars / my pockets still fat, bitch"

Hahaha! If you have a "big house" and "nice cars" then I think it's safe to say that your pockets are, in fact, fat. That's like normal people saying that they "barely make it check to check" and that they "have trouble feeding their kids". Classic LOL.

Peso5 by Daniel Joseph Miller

2. "MGDM"
"OKAY! Oh shit." - DJM. I don't think a voice could sound worse over a beat then what we have here, but I think that's part of the joke: "How bad can we get?". Very bad! The voice control is very funny and very bad, the lyrics are funnier, but the joke is taken to the next level when the song just kind of cuts out mid-line. It's like a dramatic pause, but its played perfectly for laughs.

"Got the city on my hat, wear it 'til I die.

If you don't know, you won't know

steady ridin' always on the look-out

reside in the G / hope in the G

bitch you know me

Getin' buckets / just say fuck it"

LULZ!

MGDM by Daniel Joseph Miller

3. "Tired"
"They're always talkin' shit" - DJM. I KNOW right! This song is full of double-time rapping and long stretches of no rapping. Plus lots of talk about freestyling and throwing up. Hahaha! DJM you nasty!

Tired by Daniel Joseph Miller

4. "Freesty"
Well, just when I thought that the jokes could go no further I see that our friend has taken the beat from K$ Kreayshawn's "Gucci Gucci" and decided to show her how we all feel about her: her work is a giant joke. Yo! Let's kick that freesty. I'll give it to DJM, this makes K$ sound like KRS-ONE.

"Dude thought he was a beast

but it's misspelled, but I correct him

before I called him bitch"

That might be good, but this is better (it's the chorus, and it's the funniest thing ever in the history of this blog (also, I may not be quoting all of the lyrics quite right - the production makes it hard to hear)):

"DJ Mitch is in the building and we're throwing up

Got that STL tattoo and I'm throwing up

bitches all over me like I'm ratted up

bitch I'm tatted up...are you tatted up?

Tat, tat, tat me up

every day I'm tatted up

every day I'm getting new shit

will you hit me up?"

Wow. It's just great, and it just goes on and on with the jokes. MDJ is terrible at using profanity, plus he blatantly takes Odd Future lines just to show us how stupid this whole system is.

Our hats are off to you MJD - this is too funny.

Freesty by Daniel Joseph Miller

5. "Free"
I honestly need a bit of a break from the laughing, but MDJ would never allow that: "Party, party, we came to party - you got the guap, I got the hotty". That's good, this is better: after one of his trademark silences he slams us with this:

"So you scared, huh? Don't be a bitch.

I heard you snitch, now don't twitch, unless your brain's out"

Conclusion: this is great. It's like Ali G is in da house.

Free by Daniel Joseph Miller

6. "Hope"
This is the same song as the previous track, maybe some of the lyrics are updated, and the title is different. But I don't know. I guess the joke is that it's the same song a second time. Not that funny. KEEP YOUR JOKE GAME UP DJM and quit being abstract. I do like that the song ends with DJM asking "Yo! Who's that?" Then answering himself "DJ Mills..........DJ Mills". Okay! I'll take your word for it (is DJ Mills sneaking in your house?).

Hope by Daniel Joseph Miller

7. "Sick Rap"
I would guess that DJM is using this song to make fun of people who have a bad break up and then make a song about their ex out of anger and the song sounds terrible. Nice observation DJM! A lot of mixtapers have really bad songs about ex girlfriends and how they'll be back. It's a classic rookie mistake and perfect to parody. Good joke DJM? I don't know.

Sick Rap by Daniel Joseph Miller

8. "Pause1"
Well, DJM is back at his old tricks: once again, this is the same track as the previous one, but this time the beat sounds unfinished. That's exactly how all the terrible mixtapes are: bad at beats. You've nailed it again my friend. Also, DJM is again confused at who his DJ is, but he clarifies it for himself just like last time.

Pause1 by Daniel Joseph Miller

9. "Tyrell"
Now we make fun of sex raps. Most of them are pretty bad (unless your name is Ghostface) but this song takes it to a whole new level of awful. Pretty funny dude.

Tyrell by Daniel Joseph Miller

10. "Ain't messing with me"
Between the last track and this one I took a bit of a break and wondered what DJM could make fun of next. That Bone Thugs flow? Maybe? European rap? I wish. I didn't even consider that he might take confusion to the next level. This is ugly funny:

"Call me Pac Man...DJ Enuff

You ain't fuckin' a real dude, you fuckin me.

What the fuck? I'm extra-ordinar-E.

You ain't fuckin' with a real dude like me

bitch come and get it, I'ma let you get it"

Is he real or not. Hahaha. I guess not.

"I'm an OG. Roger That!

Fuck you mean? FUCK YOU MEAN?"

Good questions? No, great questions. Great song.

Aint messing with me by Daniel Joseph Miller

11. "NIKE"
I'm sure that both Nike and myself are interested to hear what DJM has in store with this song. Will it make a mockery of songs about shoes? Probably. Let's find out. Well, we start with a sample of Nas' "Nikes on my feet keep my cipher complete", and it's pretty dope - Whoa - stay focused, DJM. Try to keep it wack. I hope this song brings the funny like a NBC sitcom and the rest of this collection. Whew, this is a dumb song after all. Some braggin' about shoes or something, it's upper-level comedy. I agree with DJM: people who make songs about shoes are the worst; we should all make fun of them. As usual, the jokes are taken to the next level with DJM spitting the most bland chorus in his most unenthusiastic voice:

"yo. watch Nikes man.

yo. watch the, watch the Nike's man.

yeh. watch Nikes man.

watch the, watch the Nike's on my feet.

watch the Nike's on my feet."

So dumb. Also, so nailed it, comedy club.

NIKE by Daniel Joseph Miller

12. "I Do It Remix"
DJM makes fun of another classic rookie mistake, the remix of a song that nobody has heard. Great. And as usual, very funny lyrics:

"If you coming, come and get it / too legit to quit"

It's line after line of comedy gold, here are some examples:

"They say I'm a wigger, but ain't scared of a trigger"

also

"I'm about to go off, spreading like a cough, better yet a yawn.

Keep listening gonna be drunk cuz I am artist

yeh me the smartest"

Plus, our friend claims to be repping both STL and CHI! HAHA! Great. It just doesn't stop:

"Fuck it. Come and get it,

If you want it, I'ma split it. Yeh that wig.

Find that, el-ick, uh...oil rig"

What more can I say?

I do it remix by Daniel Joseph Miller

13. "Racks 1"
More of the same and DJM ends big. Actually, I think that this is another version of another song in the collection, but who knows? It's just a joke song and not that important (or good). I guess we gotta publish some quotes:

"What is up? You ain't never seein' me

You got the money man..........

You ain't seein' me, and I'm a get that STL-la up

Yeh, you know I got that fitted,

Yeh you know I snap that too."

More...

"You know how I do it, this ain't Wendy's

I ain't rollin' them stacks, cash stacks"

We'll wind this up with a classic quote: "Eat that shit like cat food" - DJM.

Racks 1 by Daniel Joseph Miller

In Conclusion:
Wow! What a breath of fresh air. Very funny fresh air. If you don't know how to rap and can't make beats or even make your voice sound okay in a recording then you might want to go full funny and just make a comedy album like our boy DJM. You'd have also have to force yourself to be really bad a using profanity, and it would be tough to write rhymes this bad, but if you really put your mind to it and dumbed it WAY down, you might be able to go the DJM route, but let me warn you - it would take a lot of effort to make hip hop this intentionally bad. On the other hand...

If I ever find out that this album wasn't supposed to be a rap comedy parody album I will be very upset. Daniel Joseph Miller will jump to the top of our list of fake ass posers who should never be taken seriously and who should never rap. I would also have to say that this is one of the worst collections of songs that I have ever heard in my life and I've heard a lot of bad songs. If these songs are supposed to be taken even a tiny bit seriously then Daniel Joseph Miller will solidify St. Louis as the worst city ON EARTH for hip hop, shit, it might even allow Missouri to replace Washington State as the worst state for hip hop. It might also make STL the best place for frontin'. So on that note: keep is silly Daniel Joseph Miller, keep up the joke music - we're all laughing here.

Daniel Joseph Miller Comedy Rap Songs Collection Score 4/10

U-God's Resume #33, "Soul Dazzle"

2012-02-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

--Official Stats--
Artist: U-God
Song: 5. "Soul Dazzle"
Producer: Homocide
Album: Golden Arms Redemption
Release Date: October 5, 1999

We've come to the fifth song on this already terrible album and I'm wondering how this could it be any worse than "Dat's Gangsta".

Oh, I'm sure there's a way...

3. "Soul Dazzle"

Okay! That wasn't bad. What? Now allow me to add a ton of "except for"s to that statement. If I were listening to this album straight through I'm sure I would be so irritated by this point that a song like this would fall somewhere between skip and ignore. It's kind of understated and it's odd format is very off putting, especially when you add in Baby U's odd flow and rhymes that don't really rhyme. It's weird. But listening to it by itself I didn't mind it at all. The beat is just good, and U fills it in well. But as usual, he doesn't say anything. And this is another awful chorus, everybody sing along:

Soul! Soul! Need a taste?

Mind right...head in the right place.
Do what it do.

Like you suppose to be.
Now, give up your chair before your game's on me.
Now, bounce, can you dig it...on the real side?
Stay in the showcase, be satisfied.
Now, meet me at the big house, that I tear down.
Let everybody know, that everybody know,
I made you squeeze, done hit your sound.
Now, bounce, get up and do, niggas, what you can.
Everybody do, ladies, what you can.
Right, twenty-eight phisique.
Game don't mean nothing me.

You can't run, hide, the game's on me
Right, can you dig it?

Yeh, that whole thing was the chorus. WWWTTTFFFF???? That's like half the song. Get a chorus coach. Also get a song title coach, those stink too.

I'll never listen to this again, but at least it didn't pain me to listen to this time. Word up magazine.

Track Score: 4/10

U-God’s Score: 4/10

Impact on Rep (+,-,=): None

Next Week: U-God's strikes back with track 6: "Bizarre". That'll probably teach me.

About this series: U-God’s Resume is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

Lyrics:

On the map, head to toe
intact on the track
big hat's on the go
let them hoe's know we on the stro'
we on the track
the shit we started, we comin' back
in the market of rap
welcome that hard target
superbowl ring, sun of soul king
roll the red carpet
out the cockpit
sharks gettin garments
come out the closet "ROCKS!"
my pocket's don't understand lean
riches I invent, this is it
Hollywood handprint
written in cement
bottom bench, get that mid
get that money, not the honey, rent
me the bee, that's more lethal
ya too foxy ass
get that cash
sparrows get flower eagles

(Chorus, see above)

It's just the vocab, get the gab
like the river they call me
rhymin, money on the wood
go good right before I just sixty-nine 'em
trick ass bitch, look at diamonds
put her arm in perfect timin'
sweet signs of sin
steady climbin
always press food on the table
on the move
have flourished
ever since I improved my stable
every move is fatal
I'm step gon' survive
no jive talkin G
if see, the she gonna bring it back to me
if it's alright with you it's alright with me
we could do like men how you want it to be
that shiny shape that blind mixtape is like pineapple grape
no time to escape
pimps slap your face
on the hole is soul in the hole
roll, blow

(Chorus)

We Got Something New: Koncept "Aspirations" feat. Soul Kahn

2012-02-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

As always our definition of "new" doesn't exactly fit with the internet age of "everything now" and "shit ain't new after one day". This came out way back in December of 2011, you know like and eternity ago. What were people driving back then, a 2012 Ford Focus? Ha! And people still had smart phones, like LOL. How did we get by? Right?

Okay, so Koncept is a Queens MC (get the money) who has been appearing here and there and doing a good job. You know, real biz. Who cares? Good music. You should have already been checked it out, son. GET WITH IT. Stop listening to garbage, sheesh.

So why are we featuring this song. I'll give you FOUR reasons:

1. THE TRACK IS DOPE

2. THE LYRICS ARE ON POINT

3. THE BEAT IS HYPE
4. Koncept invited his dad to the video shoot and he is my favorite:

I'll be honest, I don't think I'm a fan of that Soul Kahn guy. I mean he's okay, but not my taste - he goes okay on this song and all, so I hope he has great success. But that old guy, I'm a big fan! I'm a big fan of this video. Let's get a hot dog with our dad or grandpa! Then we can go to the carnival. I would say that guy probably should avoid the rides, but one is okay for sure. Just please take it easy. But still have fun fellas. As for us, we should spend time with the people we love, buy Koncept albums, and support real hip hop. Quit living such a bad life. Get your act together.

Aspirations Score 9/10

Track Checker: Other Retarded Songs

2012-02-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Not long ago the people who run this blog came together and created a post on Canibus and his classic track "Get Retarded". We love that song, but we didn't really remember that there were so many songs on the topic. In fact, there are a lot of songs about getting retarded, so, of course, it seems like an element of hip hop we should check out: retarded hip hop (which is really, deeply offensive and would get any of these guys in trouble if they ran for office). Let's just review a bunch of songs!

Let's start with everyone's favorite:

"Get Retarded Freestyle" - Cassidy

Cassidy, you know, that guy from I'm a Hustla fame. Decided to get retarded himself at some point. Now, I'm no fan of Cassidy, but I think this is the first time I've ever given him any real thought. His version of this song made it on the radio in Philly a few times, and all I can say is that it's better than most of the other crap on the radio...but it's still not very good. I have three issues with this track: first of all, the beat is a good beat to begin with, but somehow Cassidy found a way to make it sound bad (he speeds it up). Second, WTF accent RU using Cassidy? You sound you were just at the dentist.

Finally, and this is a big problem all across hip hop: the verses have nothing to do with the hook. If the hook is saying "get retarded" then your verses should be expanding on that theme. Even in a freestyle. Canibus did it, why can't you meathead? These verses could be on ANY BEAT with ANY CHOURS so this song barely qualifies for this post. In other words: ya lyrics ain't gettin' retarded enough. Lulz.

But in any freestyle the important thing is the lyrics. Cassidy points out that "I got hot punchlines that remind you of Phoneix" I would definitely disagree with that. The punchlines are weak in this whole track, so a more accurate description would be "I got average punchlines that remind you that you could be listening to something else".

Well we can do better than that, right? No way...

Oh Boy. Thel Black Eyed Ploopers.

"Let's Get Retarded" - The Black Eyed Peas

You should know up front: I hate the Black Eyed Peas. Sure they sold out, they even used to be somewhat respectable, but that doesn't make a difference to me. Long ago they were affiliated with Eazy E and would spit venom at Puffy, which is something I liked, but even with that I hated them. They were lousy in the old days and they're an abomination now. At some point they picked up Fergie and things went way downhill. They represent all that is wrong with everything. The downfall of America. The recession. The Double Dip Recession. Uh, car accidents too, why not? EVERYTHING. They are all around bad and all around sellouts. I'm glad they broke up but I'm nervous to see what they're going to unleash on us now. Hint: it'll be worse than any of us fear. And I'm sure they'll still be sell outs! Want another example of them selling out? How about they changed the lyrics (and title) of this song so that they could be super rich and super famous? Well, mission accomplished jerks.

So reviewing this song is my nightmare. This song really represents everything that I am against in hip hop: pandering for mass appeal, selling out, bending to record company requests to be more radio friendly, being crappy, dumb lyrics, sounding awful, etc.. I can't believe my life has come to reviewing this song. I would rather review the worst mixtape ever than this mess. But here we go.

Fergie let's you know right away that this song is about getting retarded! I guess that's a plus, but it's in the most poppy pop-song way imaginable. She sounds like Christina Aguilera junior. Now this is where it gets funny (the first line of the song). Will.I.am starts things off by making it clear that although they are using the "R" word, they mean no disrespect in this context. Yeah, cool start for a song: and apology for the offensive content. DUMB (bell ring sound)! Even with the apology this song is inherently disrespecful. Did you really think you could map out this progression (as it is listed in the song) and think that you're going to be okay: lose inhibition, lose intuition, get stupid, get retarded. Will.I.Am explains exactly what getting retarded means since his fan base is preteen girls. Then the horrible (but catchy) chorus kicks in. The song goes on in this vein for some time with a connection being made between getting "coo-coo" and getting "retarded". Oh, BROTHER! Oh, and Apl.De.Ap encourages everyone to "bob your head like epilepsy" and then he wins the award for being the worst ever. I mean this whole song takes the concept to the extreme and manages to be cruel, it's deeply inhuman and just demonstrates a stunning level of stupidity. Yeah, I said that. I'm all for people saying whatever they want to in their pop songs, but the fact they apologize about it in the first line and then they changed their lyrics later means that they were never that committed and that they have weak spines. Not art.

Okay. Geez. This beat was produced by pop-producer-bot and it is just bad. Nothing in this song sticks with you but the melody (read: the lyrics are trash). "But this is a dance song and you're going overboard this time" - you. You're right, dance songs are fine, but I would say that I'm not going overboard enough on my disgust with the super sell-outs the Black Eyed Peas!

Next...

"Get Retarded" MC EZ & Troup

This is an old school track, and thank goodness it's real hip hop. Now, if you don't know (and why would you) MC EZ is the one and only Craig Mack! This time Get Retarded is the B-Side to Just Rhymin' which I honestly can't remember. For all of you new jacks a "B-Side" is the second track you would get when you bought a single. Think of it like this: imagine that you buy your favorite song off of iTunes and then they give you a second free song from the same artist to try to entice you to buy the whole album. Cool business model!

Okay so this song is really good. Every component is on point. The beat, the lyrics, the chorus, everything. See, now this is why Craig Mack got signed, he knows what he's doing. #SALUTE. As for the other guy Troup, who is that? A mystery lost to the ages I suppose.

And Finally...

"Get Retarded" DJ Kayslay & Diplomats, Twista

Eh, these are a bunch of guys I don't really like but I've been known to spin from time to time.

I guess I'll give some credit to this song for having some grit. It's not polished and it doesn't want to be, it sounds good. It's like a mixtape cut with mad posse members spitting. Plus, that little snip of a beat that starts off the video sounded really good. More of that please. Okay, so we've established that I like the heart of this song, now for the MCs. It's pretty well known that the Dip Set aren't exactly breaking new ground with their rhymes, in fact I don't think anyone knows what they're doing. Weird shit, weird flows, and weird rhymes. All around weird. And Twista! That guy, right! So fast and yet so not on anyone's radar except for in 2002. What's up with this combo DJ Kayslay? Everyone raps exactly as you would expect, so not that good. Dip Set! But I think Kayslay elevates everyone with his production abilities and his contrast of fast Twista and slow chorus. Good job.

Speaking of the chorus, I think the artists are using "get retarded" is in a different context on this song. Instead of meaning dancing, I think they are saying that getting retarded means "shooting guns wildly". So that's an interesting innovation and a good one.

I don't want to hear this again, but I liked it kind of! RAW!

Cassidy Score 0/10
Black Eyed Peas 0/10
MC EZ & Troup 7/10
DJ Kayslay, Diplomats & Twists 5/10

THAT'S IT!

U-God's Resume #32, "Dat's Gangsta"

2012-02-15T08:00:00.000-05:00

--Official Stats--
Artist: U-God
Song: 4. "Dat's Gangsta"
Producer: True Master
Album: Golden Arms Redemption
Release Date: October 5, 1999

Well.......

I guess we should get to it.

So, U-God. What's Gangsta?

4. "Dat's Gangsta"

This looks like an official video from BET with an exercise theme! Cool? Did I see Mos Def toward the end? A football game at "Wu-Tang Stadium"? With the "Coyotes" as the home team? Weird. I can't say that I approve of any of this, but I can say that at least they didn't "do" U-God like they did in the Triumph video. That was embarassing. Okay, so we have U-God standing around an outdoor gym while a bunch of people lift weights. Blurry items are transferred "hand-to-hand" style and in secret. Then the police show up and arrest Baby U! Next thing we know, U-God is rapping on the prision bus, then we have a prision football game with U-God rapping on top of something tall (the prision bus, duh). What a video. VMA's here we (U-God) come.

So with a video that expensive it's clear that this was going to be a single. It has to be so good that it'll sell the record. Well, it's really bad. What's gangsta? Either "Rock" or "Rock[ing] on". Yeah. I'll be the first to admit that I have no idea what is gangsta and what isn't. But I strongly suspect that this isn't. It's barely tolerable. Thanks to the beat and the chorus and the lyrics. It's just a lot of bad and I give it the score of "0", dat's gangsta (or not, I don't know). I'm not even going to post the lyrics. It's safe to say that they suck.

One more thing. Take a look at the final score of the football game shown in the video

This game is definately taking place at "Wu-Tang Stadium" making the "Coyotes" the home team representing Wu-Tang. So the visiting team beats Wu-Tang in their own video. WHAT! Sure, there is enough time for Wu-Tang to come back according to that picture, but get real. The Wu lost in the video and with the video. ROCK ON!

Track Score: 0/10
U-God’s Score: 0/10
Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Harms

Next Week: "Golden Arms Redemption" continues with "Soul Dazzle". Sounds fun.

About this series: U-God’s Resume is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

Lyrics (I guess):

[U-God]
Brand new magnetic Killah Hill scorches
Monster talk bosses, spank 'em, step into my office
Crunch time steroid big boy itches
Eyes that lay for blood money riches
Switches thug men gunmen dirty lung sticker
Arch-crime Hitler, lurking with the lifter
Shift the man vs. man heavy on the hands
Chef in the kitchen cooking love love..slam!
Blow out the stash; keep the bundle in the bush and the trash
D-up, burn brother for the real..fast
Terrible lung split frame for reala
One-man go low hit man guerilla
Whispering there something of a thriller, killer
Drift, dirty fiend snore, scratch and sniff
Dirty tombs diggin' you and my duty
Rudy, mighty rap now toss another beauty
Truly yours Golden Arms New York native
Talk, shankin' my mouth now gangsta walk

[Chorus: U-God]
(effect)..Rock! Dat's Gangsta..What?
Dat's Gangsta
(effect) Rock! Rock on Dat's Gangsta..what?!

[U-God]
When I pump pump you'll prepare for a lump
Magnificent funk plus it's wild on the dump
Suckers can't fuck with the rhymes I conduct
I fuck this mic like some big Mike slut
Put your big shoes on now walk your struts
Thought your last rugged cuts was rough enough? Right?
Snuff you buck you stuck in the guts
Untenable thrust plus that hammerhead busts
Once I splash acapella wind shaft
This sick wild behavior can't shield from the BLAAST!
Thrash mash the pedal now dash
Outta town slangin' two bricks in my stash
Sound cage of rage livin'that status
That murderous thirst that's reign of the baddest
You heard it here first one verse then you're caught
Everybody jumpin' out gangsta walk rock
[Chorus : U-God]

[ U-God]
Raw, cold winds energize rebels
All our doors swingin' killing floor level
Explode code of silence my violence you respect
Liver than flesh that this mic head the best
Veteran chest never say die never say rest
The hang time derange in this rap game divine
Now change of the range bang with gansta our line
Bust the falcon mic mountain men you know the outcome
Define we pro dynamo I'm still scalpin'
The body countin' rhyme drop put it on kill now
Toil your girl in your Cadillac Seville chill
Golden arch stolen heart no I'm robbin' fed
Baddest women in the bed nigga mobbin'

[Chorus: U-God]

Track Checker, University of Portland "Mission Muscle Fizz"

2012-02-13T08:07:00.000-05:00

I don't have an education at all, but I have learned that awesome stuff happens at universities. Awesome people go to universities, and those amazing people are way better than us in general and also try to make a lot of raps. It seems like half of the mixtapes I listen to are from affluent college kids who have no choice but to prove their skills behind the mic. And, you know what? It makes a lot of sense. The people who actually have something to rap about can't afford the equipment required to upload mixtapes to the internet, so we get to hear what the rich and unskilled have to rap about. Great.

This rap video is exactly that: rich people who have promising futures just rapping away. It’s nothing new and nothing to get upset about. It is what it is. Life happens. But this video features the richies taking it to the next level since they are rapping about things that only affluent people think about: college stuff! Hey, everyone involved, this is just a great video for you to help one another stay rich and oppress everyone! Keep us down while you look out from your beautiful mansions in a part of town that is off limits to the poor. You’re the best ever! College!

Let’s get to the video which I’m sure you won’t be able to sit through unless your bank account is so full of money that it overflows into investments or IRA’s or whatever.

"Hey, those guys are college kids and are probably drowning in debt. They’re not rich at all.” – Educated readers.

Yeah, but by learning raps like this, they’re on their way and deserve our contempt …

Let’s be honest, this video starts so weird that it may as well be in Russian. Something about agents and people in suits? Action potential? Exercise equipment and people exercising in professional attire? Impoverished people just don’t understand.

So this is clearly supposed to be some kind of “Men in Black” something, except that song was the worst. Who remembers that song anyway? Not me. I forgot it on purpose (at first) and then I forgot about it naturally (because it is so bad that it faded from everyone’s collective memory). Apparently rich people who go to universities still remember this song and think it’s great for putting their physical fitness raps over in 2011. Good thinking rich people! At least someone still loves Will Smith!

Then the rapping starts and I can honestly say that this guy’s raps make less sense than almost every other rap song ever. It’s all dumb nonsense. If you think you can understand what these people are saying you’re fooling yourself. It’s all made up bullshit created by people who want to prove how smart they are and then regurgitated by unimaginative puppets. The chorus of the song says that this is to “help you remember”! Yeah, now I’ll remember whatever they're rapping about. Good pneumonic device University of Portland. You nailed it. The sarcolemma is very fast! LGC’s!

Ladies?

“We’re having a party at the ICF!”
Fellas?

“Calcium joins up and it’s all a big mess”

YEAH! Oh man, this video just decided the “nature versus nurture” debate: everyone is born with top notch rap skills! Nature takes the trophy. No practice or consideration necessary for lyrics. Just vomit up whatever is in your heart, even if it is about Tropomyosin. Some people rap about growing up in crime infested neighborhoods with no opportunities and some people rap about myosin “like a boss”. Well, University of Portland and everyone else who learned about this stuff: you’re the worst but you have a bright future in oppression.

"Oh yeah? You're all talk. I suspect that you want your doctor to know about the topics in this rap." - smart people.

Nope you morons. I can't afford a doctor, I live in America! I don't care what doctors know about. I know about the bottom of their expensive loafers pressing against my neck as they try to bleed me and everyone dry while they complain about corporate tax or some shit. They let us starve and then they use hip hop to help each other remember rich-people medical bullshit. You know, I hope that all of the doctor's in America never learn this or anything else...that way they might not be able help the other oppressors of the poor stay alive. Get STUPID doctors! Also, stay in your Whole Foods Market and your hybrid car and keep away from hip hop / rap / me.

Mission Muscle Fizz Score 0/10
University of Portland Score 0/10
Action Potential Score 0/10
AcH Score 0/10
Sarcolemma Score 0/10
Professional Attire Score 0/10
Rich People Score 0/10
LGC Receptor Score 0/10
Ion Channel Score 0/10
Sodium Score 0/10
T-tubule Score 0/10
Intracellular Fluid Score 0/10
Calcium Score 0/10
Troponin Score: 0/10
Tropomysoin Score 0/10
Actin Score 0/10
Myosin Score 0/10
Cross-Bridge Cycling Score 0/10
Ion Score 0/10

I just disparaged all of your mumbo-jumbo. Smarten up jackwads.

Track Checker, V-Nasty "We Swobbin'"

2012-02-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

These last couple of weeks have been quite a journey for the Tort Team. We discovered a rapper named Kreayshawn (or K$), then we had our expectations shattered as we found out that she was a she (which is rare in rap), then we discovered that she was from Oakland (not Atlanta as we expected), and then we found out she was one of the worst rappers in the history of the planet. Seriously, you'd think she was from Europe with the nonsense she rhymes. I mean, if you just read her lyrics as they are written out one has to wonder if she is intentionally rapping poorly as some kind of gimmick, like she's evolved so far beyond her rap-industry colleagues that she can make a mockery of the artform. She is the worst. It turns out she is part of a collective of Oakland based rappers called the White Girl Mob (OH BROTHER) with our subject today, Vanessa "V-Nasty" Reece, who released this song at some point. If your wondering: Swobbin' is performing the acts of swagin' and mobbin' simultaneously. We have a name for that too: moronic.

To be fair, this group has earned some position in the industry. They work with OFWGKTA members, Snoop Dogg (of course), Lil Wayne, and other major names. Not to mention there have been legitimate fudes with Rick Ro$$ and Game. And all I can say about that is THANK GOD FOR THE GAME. Hip hop is lucky to have him. These girls are going places?

So, with that being said I bet you are expecting a bad review of this song, right? Well, we'll see. Who knows, we might like it. Let's give it a chance...

"We Swobbin'"

You know, I thought that I could come at this song with a clear head and good intent and churn out a positive review. But I can't. Not only is this song technically appalling, it's aesthetically appalling as well. V-Nasty is a terrible rapper. Her flow is amateurish, her rhymes are childish, and her mic presence is ridiculous. She sounds exactly the same as K$, which is one of the worst insults I could hang on someone. But poorly rapping isn't enough for V-Nasty, she found production that sounds like it came out of a brain-injury ward. Keep on that road to recovery brain injury victims, your beats are almost at the brain-activity level of learning-challenged toddlers. And everyone knows that toddlers swob almost all the time.

V-Nasty also mentions that she's "got 'em hatin', but they watchin". Fair enough, we are hatin', but PLEASE BELIEVE that we will not be watching out for any of this trash anytime soon. Keep your crew swobbin' V-Nasty, that way we probably won't run into each other.
What else can I say? Oh yeah, thank GOD for the Game, I think it's time for him to start cleaning this mess up.

We Swobbin' Score 0/10

U-God's Resume #31, "Glide"

2012-02-08T08:00:00.000-05:00

--Official Stats--

Artist: U-God

Song: 3. "Glide"

Producer: Inspectah Deck
Album: Golden Arms Redemption
Release Date: October 5, 1999

Fifteen years ago you might have said "Yo! This album is like three songs in and it already stinks! Vote U-God out of the Clan! Tribal Council.". You would have said that because you would have been watching Survivor on CBS every night and you wouldn't have even heard about a DVR or a CELL PHONE or CABLE TV. Looking back and listening to this album again today you might say the same thing except instead of saying "vote him off the Wu-Island" you'd say "the panel of three judges should eliminate him this week from the Clan". It's the same thing. Plus, today you have a DVR and a CELL PHONE! 2012, right? Okay.

"What was that all about?" - you.

I'll tell you. It's about this album sucking eggs...and that's one of the worst kinds of sucking (from what I understand). Does it mean you suck down the egg whole, or you break a tiny hole in the egg and suck out the contents? I DON'T KNOW AND NEITHER DO YOU. Speaking of not knowing, that is exactly what everyone involved with this album was doing in regard to its quality (that doesn't make sense). YO! I guess what I'm trying to say is this: how did this get made and how did it get made so bad? AND why did nobody pipe up and said "hey, Baby-U, let's do a take 2 and get this whole album right instead of what you have here."?

So...this song. Glide. The third song on the LP. I have very low expectations. First of all, it's over six minutes long. That's too long. Second, it's produced by Inspectah Deck, who produced the worst songs on Wu-Tang Forever, so, strike two (baseball). Finally, it features Letha Face (Lethaface?), and I'm like "Who?". STRIKE THREE AND I HAVEN'T EVEN HEARD THE SONG IN TWENTY YEARS OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

So before I just go crazy with the mocking and the insulting let me explain myself. This guest appearance marks the first appearance by a second rate rhyme lacky on an official Wu Tang album (besides "The Swarm" which doesn't count becasue the album itself doesn't count). Let's check the history:

1993: "Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)" - No appearances from outside the Clan
1994: Method Man, "Tical" - Streetlife on Mr. Sandman
1995: Ol' Dirty Bastard, "Return to the 36 Chambers: The Dirty Version"

Killah Priest on Don't U Know, Snakes and Protect Ya Neck II The Zo
Brooklyn Zu, Prodigal Sunn, and 60 Second Assassin on Protect Ya Neck II The Zoo

1995: Raekwon, "Only Built 4 Cuban Linx..." - Nas on Verbal Intercourse which doesn't count because if Nas wants to rap on your track, you let him rap. He's like an elephant.
1995: GZA, "Liquid Swords" - Killah Priest on 4th Chamber and B.I.B.L.E
1996: Ghostface Killah, "Ironman" - No appearances from outside the Clan
1997: Wu-Tang Forever - Streetlife on Deadly Melody
1998: RZA, "Bobby Digital", NEVERMIND OKAY

Wow, I was definately way wrong about that one. I guess the first round of Wu albums were littered with guest spots, especially when you get to "Bobby Digital". So I take that criticisim back. I was wrong. I guess we're back to strike two. Even though I have no idea who Letha Face is and he sounds like he's going to be a bad rapper. We'll see I guess. Right Now!

3. "Glide"

Well, was it as bad as we expected? Sure it was, in fact it was worse. Why? The beat is pretty generic. It's not exactly bad, it's just not something I'd spin by choice. It's a little below average, which means that it isn't getting checked for. I don't know what the deal is with Deck and his bass lines, but they are very distictive and very bad. It's a lot of nothing. Just like the lyrics. Sure someone is rapping over the beat most of the time, but they aren't saying anything worth hearing or remembering. In fact, the song is so boring that I don't think I would have been able to catch a dope line if U shouted it directly into the mic. Plus, I think Letha Face (or Lethaface?) outrhymed U-God, which is just a shame. I mean, U-God's flow just got derailed a few times for no reason, and that sounds bad even in rugged rap.

I guess we should check the chorus:

Other emcees made a big mistake
Fronting on the mic that's truly great
What? how you want it fried or baked
I place in right through the heart of a snake
Sceam at mapps, take what we can take
Til the day we die, meet the pearly gates
Golden Arms going strong, I'm holding weight

Not bad but too long and not great.

All around bad lyrics. If you don't believe me you can read the lyrics for yourself (they're at the end of the post), but know that I'm sure they're full of errors becasue I just copied them from some other website. LyricsWeekly.com or some shit. I'm not going to proof them because they suck. OKAY?

So to summarize: I had low expectations and this shit was mad lackluster. Church.

[U-God]
Yo, Inspectah Deck track
break your back Yo

A message of a wreckage
50 shell hot track leaking out the Lexus
Eyes hot, Cyclops, cyborg boulders
Call shop of horrors, Lyric just smoking in my holster
Whip and boil, lugotan hurricane the holler
Daily operation, bullet train tingle farther
8 seconds a scar your style wild buccaneer
Round table revolve around ten musketeer
Think you, got all the riches
Think you poli with bitches
You could run the fuck opponent,
gotten with the glitches
The swiftness, hit the spots that are vital
Shake the ground decent, like 3 sticks of dyno

[Lethaface]
My administration deceive the population
Start the next generation by artificial insemination
Contaminate stations, for music in the making
Concentration camps, Assassinate
for industry domination
Abomination, The Competition and
confrontation you mistaken
I'm a nuclear warhead bomb evasion
Extermination of the next man,
when the German's blazing
We burn this for occasions,
regardless I see your expiration
Preparation your sweatin,
I cassette deck and eject your selection for air time
Blow a hole through your brain so you
can think with a clear mind
A redesign? of hard rhyme, and
slang cracking in spare time

[U-God]
Crime Time
We rollin with the undisputed, routin toutin
21 gun solutin, new recruiting
Wu-Tang, slang bang your unit
Put us in your cassette deck, yo, improvement
Smash and blast the shit, I'm doper than math
That makes you level through the devil
And never surpass
The stakes is hot, like bullet snatch pots
And hot twats
Fully operational gats mmhmm
The uncanny, vilagialaty panty man
Crock, took by the hook of the candy man
Look, now you caught up in the suction
destruction

[Lethaface]
Today's day, The bomb gets dropped on America
Human civilization in concert
treble concentration camps
Replacement amps blown, Speaker abduction
The Mad weed seduction corruption
From The brain cells decreasing
Its sucker duck season. fuck treason
Blast as you trespass, bullet enters
your mouth and exits your ass
Impregnate the math, then give birth to a newborn
Figure of speech drew form, with 8 arms
Napalms, collapses stages you perform on dominate
Drama face, abominate, sling crack
behind the black high gate
The nine fades the hearts of men
Slip the cartridge in
Off the hook like telemarketing
sales condone over the phone

[U-God]
Danger zone
Bozzy Capone alone, in a terradome Stalon
With a great cannon, bones cerebral swollen
Straight both ways scanning
All you roaches lay down I spray the brain damage
Bring the banners, the green gamma ray
Gain up the same data, Scatter
Then a dark part where D and you used to play all day
The ray sound stung you, You kung fu check the cleaner
From fire line I gun you for fun
Dial 9-1-1
Someone tore down the tunnel son
1-2 Check your fronts
Captain Crunch, munch on you for lunch
You punchbag drunk, bald headed monk
Top bunk, chunk your trunk full of junk
Buffer and bump stop humping me
Ruff a scum sucking muthafuckas,
Ducking my shit just luckily

--Chorus--
Other emcees made a big mistake
Fronting on the mic that's truly great
What? how you want it fried or baked
I place in right through the heart of a snake
Sceam at mapps, take what we can take
Til the day we die, meet the pearly gates
Golden Arms going strong, I'm holding weight
'Cause

Track Score: 0/10
U-God’s Score: 0/10
Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Harms

Next Week: U-God's solo, track 4: "Dat's Gangsta", and more of the same I'm sure from both U-God and myself.

Track Checker: Heavy D "Don't Curse"

2012-02-06T08:00:00.000-05:00

This is my respect post the the late Heavy D. I know you're thinking that The Tort Team is one of the least respectful organizations around, and you are right, except where real hip hop is concerned...and Hev was definitely real hip hop. You're probably also noticing that this post is very late, and it is, but I wanted to make sure it was right before it got posted.

We haven't done a respect post like this before, but I feel like young cats might not understand Heavy D or how he fit in to hip hop. If all you hear from the guy is "The Overweight Lover's In The House" then you're probably getting the wrong impression. Heavy D was a dope MC who had enough skill to pull off a silly track like that off and not lose fans (like me). It's an odd thing though, I can't remember how I became a fan of Heavy D, he was always was on my playlist but never as a headliner, just as someone who could be counted on for a dope track. Plus the guy literally danced in his videos.

So for our featured Heavy D track we'll look at one of his best collaborations ever, this one is from his 1991 album "Peaceful Journey", a track called Don't Curse featuring Big Daddy Kane, Grand Puba, Kool G. Rap, Q-Tip, Pete Rock & CL Smooth. That's an amazing roster. Obviously times were different then and censorship was an issue of some sort so these guys got together to straighten things out. I know it's odd to honor Heavy D by showcasing a song that on features Hev on 20% of the track, but it's a clever song and really demonstrates one of Hev's strengths (besides his ability to pull guests): his light take on a serious subject. Now the rhyme skill comes in as the MCs skirt bad words without saying them. It's genius. Q-Tip is especially brilliant with his "4 girls" line ("eight hits"). Everyone does great on this track and if it doesn't make you smile then you should just leave now. (Also ignore the outfits).

Dont'Curse Score 10/10
Here are a couple of great bonus tracks. The song with Marley Marl is on here because it's dope, this is how hip hop is supposed to be. The Peter Rock & CL Smooth song is here becasue it was about a member of Hev's crew.

<

Our 1,000th post: FU!

2012-02-02T08:00:00.000-05:00

Welcome to our 1,000th blog post! I got 999 problems and they're all my other posts. The problem is that they are all terrible. This post will be terrible as well! Stay the course.

So.......what should we do to celebrate lucky number 1,000?

How about we meet a Polish MC named Fu and see what he's all about. Poland! Y1K?

Wake up Fu! You're on!

We all know Fu from his time with ZIP Skład and Zipera right? Well, I don't, but I'm sure that his time with them was important. That was way back in 1998. Since then he's been featured on unforgettable songs like Ja mam to co ty and Wyjść na prostą. You might have heard of those songs but I haven't. I've been busy. I even missed Fu's ~~six~~ many solo albums (even Wrodzony Instynkt!). Where has the time gone? I'll even let you in on a secret: I've never even heard of Fu! I wasn't even sure that Poland had hip hop, I just assumed that they all listed to either weird European techno or old timey piano music, but here we are. Polish hip hop. I'm sure it's as good as the American stuff. Right?

Let's check out his latest album De facto which is described as having a "classic hip hop feel". Good. I like that. It also boasts "a variety of musical surprises". Good again, this will fit perfectly in with our surprise party for our 1,000th post! What kind of surprises can we expect? Guests! "First-class" guests like Adam Zeńczewski from Daab and Bas Tajpan, Pyskaty, Pono, Olsen, Chada, Felipe, Brahu and Hades. All of those people! We're in for a treat. I can't wait any longer, let the review begin!

Like a mirror, and something bad happens.

Well...I should have expected problems when dealing with European rap. Once again it's the language barrier, but this time Google might be able to translate some of this shit.

Actually, hold up again. I don't want to listen to over twenty hip hop songs in a language that I don't speak. That's nuts! So I'll give you the track list, the song title translations, then I'll review the "hits". Sa-sa-slam dunk.

Here is the track list with Tort Team Official translations and reviews of a few tracks:

1. Intratny początek (intro) [Translation: Cushy Beginning]

2. De facto

Okay, well we start with some scratching. That's good! I guess that there is a lot of scratching. They get it! Good choice. Now, of course nobody is going to understand this mess, but it doesn't sound as bad as I had hoped. Judging from the video I would say that Poland has picked up a lot of the American tricks. Walking down the street in slow motion, lots and lots of shots of the city (whatever city Poland has), putting your hands next ot the camera, wearing shorts, etc.. He walks next to a store called "KOMIS" which I would bet either means "Payday Loans", "Pawn Shop", or "AT&T". You know, city stuff. It's hard out there for a początek!

Besides the required hip hop stuff (listed above + nice cars & sunglasses) we get a lot of the typical European rap problems. First of all, it doesn't sound like anything is rhyming. Sure, I can't understand a single word that Fu is saying, but I know if one thing sounds like another thing. It's basic. I wonder if Europe has evolved past rhyming in rap, or if they never really understood that it was a key component (I'm betting the second one). Next, the "tough" neightborhood looks weak. Like, better than "good" American suburbs. So, basically a nice place to live and grow up. Third, all of the "tough guys" posing and posturing in the video look like American IT professionals. Which means not intimidating at all. Those guys would definately help you if you had a flat. NEXT, there is a point early in the song where we have a police siren and the video shows some kind of car racing down the street. Uh, is this a Polish police car?

If it is then HAHAHAHA! Why does it have a roof rack? Why does it look like something that an IT professional would drive? HAhaha! I know, becasue there isn't any crime in Poland apparently. So is crime some kind of requirement for good hip hop? No. Does it hurt your tough-guy image to live in an affluent area? Yes. Want proof this neighborhood is safe? How about this:

I see Fu rapping. I see some "tough guys" doing something. And I see a regular lady riding a bike with a basket on the front, riding carefree like it's a beautiful day. So, I guess I'm starting to wonder if Fu is frontin'?

"If he were fronting why would he put the lady on the bike in his video?" - You.

Duh, he's European. He has no idea what is going on.

Let me stop here and say that it's honestly taken me like three hours to get to this point in the review and I haven't really stopped working on it. It's just taxing. I don't think my brain is equipped to process this. Now we see a real police car and it looks like you would expect. So what was that other car? Was it a police car or wasn't it? What are the police up to over there? Actually, what are the police doing in the video? Helping someone find their way or issuing a parking ticket? One of those things, nothing major.

FU! FU? What are you doing? What is this video? It's just weird. Later we see a saw shaking on the ground. Why? A saw? Then Fu is looking at his reflection in windows. Whaa? Why?

I can't finish this post. I know I say that all the time, but this time I really can't. Maybe that should be theme of this blog: quitting. I quit my posts at like the 10% point. And Europe calls this kind of music "hip hop" and is 10% accurate. They should quit and I should quit. FOREVER!

1000 Posts Score 0/10
Fu Score 0/10
Poland Score 0/10

Here are the rest of the songs on the album and my translations of the titles. I honestly planned to review all of this:

3. Mam na to wyjebane [Translation: I have it wyjebane]
4. A co gdyby było inaczej? feat. Pyskaty, Agnieszka Bil [Translation: And what if it were otherwise]
5. Uliczny blues (skit) [Translation: Street Blues]
6. Do trzech razy sztuka [Translation: Three Strikes]
7. Tak bardzo trudno feat. Spalto [Translation: So it is very difficult]
8. Zmęczone oczy [Translation: Tired Eyes]
9. Jak pitbull (wersja 1) [Translation: As Pitbull (Version 1)]
10. Filozofia życia (krwawy sport) [Translation: Philosophy of Life (blood sport)]
11. Lepiej budować niż burzyć feat. Olsen, Pablo [Translation: ]It is better to build than destroy
12. Obudź się, Fu! [Translation: Wake up, Fu!]
13. Bez limitu feat. Mista Don [Translation: Unlimited]
14. Ku przestrodze [Translation: As a warning]
15. Nie zaprzeczysz mi feat. Chada, Brahu [Translation: Don't Deny Me]
16. Zawsze jest nadzieja feat. Felipe, Sylwia, Dynek [Translation: There is always hope]
17. Permanentne upojenie [Translation: Permanent Intoxication]
18. Takie życie ziomuś feat. Hades [Translation: Such a Life Kid]
19. Pamiętaj synku [Translation: Remember Sonny]
20. Przesłanie z daleka feat. Daab (Andrzej Zeńczewski), Pono, Bas Tajpan [Translation: Message from Afar]
21. Jak pitbull (wersja 2) [Translation: As Pitbull (Version 2)

U-God's Resume #30, "Turbulence"

2012-02-01T08:00:00.000-05:00

--Official Stats--
Artist: U-God
Song: 2. "Turbulence"
Producer: True Master
Album: Golden Arms Redemption
Release Date: October 5, 1999

Here's the thing guys: I don't want to listen to this ~~song~~ album, I don't want to write about it, and you don't want to read about it. It's just a bad position to be in, yet here we are. All of us. Now, before I even hear one poorly executed beat or rhyme on this track I know I'm going to hate it. Why? Because I already gave up on this album in disgust about thirty seconds into the first time I heard it, and that was when I was blinded by my Wu-fandom (is that a thing? Sure.). That was when this came out. Now I'm much quicker tempered, less patient, and won't put up with even a second of a track that sucks because there is a lot of jolly good shit out there. So let's get this over with.

2. "Turbulence"

Ah! So there's your problem, ma'am: THAT BEAT IS THE WORST. I don't just mean it sounds bad (it does). I mean the "instruments" sound super crappy and hollow and like True Master set the Casio to "Strings" and went to town, at least for ten minutes until Survivor came on - then he burned the shit to CD and now we have it. He sat and watched an immunity challenge while we were all left to suffer with this mess. I mean that beat is terrible. If they were going for rugged (and you can BET YOUR 2002 HONDA CIVIC that they were) they failed to understand the difference between rugged and garbage. Hey dudes, rugged music still sounds good. It's not just random shit or sporadic strings, it's carefully planned and executed to stir something inside the listener. This only stirs my stomach bile and motivates it to exit through my mouth. Actually, it doesn't do that at all. It doesn't do anything. IT'S JUST BORING, WHICH IS WORSE. But what's even worse than worse is that U-God doesn't have the chops to save this shit (I don't think anyone does). So I'm going to listen to it again and examine the lyrics...

Feel the fuckin' backdraft.

I'm out the dungeon.

Move like Kobe Bryant.

Boldly go only to sew the block up, lock shit down, Mama told me you's the giant
Pump out the nose cold, crime wave, wholesome baritone, throne so defiant

They stole the science from the OG, carbon copy, sloppy,

trying to muscle out the ol' D.

Slap shot can't get it past the goalie mask
Stone finger roam, royalty zone off, Henn, gin rummy stunts,

Coming in sums, writing on ya tummy hun, road stamina

Still hungry some, asthma, clogged up, ran in smog, dialogue,

dorm plasma, road hog it, all hammers
No matters what: the track's right and exact. It’s manners.

The scanner listen, system jammer

Write on ya rag “black panthers on a mission”
Right back at you ready to cook this shit!
Babylon apple, natural habitat, stone statues…

Robotron Golden Arms, pentagon brain cell,

alter gain, chained to the bumper.
Wolfgang hunters, field goal punter tones,

steel toe eruption, it's a gusher!
Tonecrusher Smith, usher the style,

stuffin’ more criminals foul up in the Nile

Let off a signal with attitude, magnitude, vigil
ego lies that's size of cathedral.
The track more lethal, came back to see you
Finish the job off proper.

Top of this shit, spit the lava

The helicopter hit you, flyin’ saucers,

Of course, may the force now be with you
These Bengals that dangle, sinister phantom menace,
handsome with my lenses, all in the reg-a

Just, kickin’ my Spanish, clips like banana grips, bonanza,

Dressed fancy in the club, Halle Barry slow dance

We romance, now gimme love

Jackie Chan movements, hard to kill for real,

Drill him some more with some old fashion smooth shit

Long winded, splendid the bomb blow,

on the whole a ruthless, butter roll flow.

Show improvement. This shit is cool whip to me,
when I groove to rule this music with a mule kick

Eight ball in the side pocket corner,

one mark the chalk, gimme my pool stick
smoked the dip, notes by the throat, full grip,

scud puddy in my hands,

fans, read the blueprints

Truth is, the slang you bit, the form of a sentence

the cold winters I spent with splinters

The apprentice under RZAs training.

He sang the e-ching vintage

Aiming at you swine eating, wife-beating scoundrels

Stolen vowel thieves,

I’m swollen now Colon Powell relief

Throw the towel in, tools in, full spin, school em again
Show em that the wise could rejuvinize all these Hoodlums

Don't sleep he could win
Pull a pen, it's full again, celeb, all on the web on a
Conquest, no disturbance address it to ya chest, you're in turbulence, mighty
Men vitamin d. Rest in peace

To my ni--a Bigga B love you G

Rest in peace to my ni--a Bigga B love you G

Well that's just exhausting. What in the hell is that? It's nothing. Three minutes of nothing. Boring nothing. Gibberish. There is nothing good in that whole mess. I rest my case. This album is exactly as bad as I remember it.

Track Score: 0/10

U-God’s Score: 0/10

Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Harms

Next Week: I can't wait for the next song on this godforsaken album: "Glide".

Layzie Bone Sued in Missouri - Breaking News!

2012-01-30T08:15:00.000-05:00

Hold on to that mic!

Q: How can you tell that it’s a slow news day and also a Monday (frowny face)?

A: When we are breaking old news about Layzie Bone injuring the face of a fan in Missouri! That’s what happened at some point recently, I guess!

Let’s get to the story. Kick us off CBS news from St. LOLuis:

Lead singer Layzie Bone, and his traveling rap group “Bone, Thugs-n-Harmony” are being sued by a Columbia Missouri woman.

HAhahaha. Yep. “lead singer”! “traveling rap group”! “Missouri”! Hahaha. CBS has it's finger on the pulse of Missouri hip hop. Being sued is not a good thing at all, but maybe we should see what happened exactly?

Let’s ask ContactMusic.com/news:

“she alleges the star "lost control of the microphone, launching it into the crowd" and it struck her on the head.“

I’m sure that hurt really bad and you’ll probably get all the money from Bone (which at this point is probably about 35 bucks – they are playing in Columbia, Missouri, after all...not Madison Square Garden. Geez.” I’ve never even heard of Columbia, Missouri, where is this hip hop magnet?

Hahahha! I'm pretty sure there are two cities in Missouri (St. Louis and Kansas City, and this is as far away from both of them as possible). I see the come-back strategy that Bone was probably going for: Start touring in the middle of the country and let the Harmonious Thuggary spread. Then make some new good songs and then get the paper. It was so easy and it would have worked if Layzie Bone could have kept that microphone under control. CBS:

[the plaintiff] was standing near the front row at the Blue Note in Columbia when Layzie Bone began flinging the microphone, hitting her in the head.

I want to make it clear that we’re not blaming or doubting the victim or accusing Mr. Bone of any wrongdoing, but still. If you’re on stage you’ve only got a few responsibilities: (1) rap good AND (2) don't lose control of the one thing you’re holding (haven’t you been doing this for like thirty years, Layzie?).

I have to wonder what song was being performed? Was it Crossroads? Or this maybe:

Definitely! "Incoming!" WHAT IN THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT VIDEO / SONG? IT'S THE WORST! THROW THE MIC! EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!

IN CONCLUSION: I like Bone just fine (in 1998), but this news is a little depressing for all of us. I mean, why is Bone performing in some crappy city in one of the worst states? Is Missouri the best you can do? Are you that hard up for money fellas? Also, are there people who still want to pay to see Bone perform? Really? You still need your 1^st of Tha Month and Creepin’ on ah Come Up fix? Foe tha Love of $? Good GRIEF! Uh, also to the victim: Bone ain’t got no money. Duh.

#savebonethungnharmony #BTNHworldwide #11523 #Layzie #Bizzy #Flesh-n #Krayzie #Wish #teachtheworld

Track Checker, Kreayshawn "Gucci Gucci"

2012-01-26T08:00:00.001-05:00

Kreayshawn — "Gucci Gucci"

Good freaking grief. I have no idea who Kreayshawn is, and since I'm writing this introduction before I've learned anything about this rapper I can honestly give a fresh perspective. You'll know my first reaction to whatever this is. I've never seen any video, heard any song, or even seen a picture of Kreayshawn. More specifically, I've never heard this song, so Gucci Gucci will be an entirely new experience for me. Why am I doing this? Becuase the name Kreayshawn is stupid and the song title Gucci Gucci is even worse. I strongly suspect that I've basically heard this song before a thousand times. It'll be some empty krunk trap bullshit. Right? Definitely.

So before we begin: is Kreayshawn a man or woman*? Based on the name I would have to say that I don't know. Who knows? I'm guessing a guy in the vein of Fashawn. So my official guess is that Kreayshawn is like Fashawn's older brother. His crazy older brother who drinks out of a gas can and wears Atlanta hats upside down or some shit. Oh and he likes designer lablels or whatever. Let's find a photo:

( O_o)!!!!! WHOA AND WHAT? WHAT! That is NOT what I expected at all in any way. Is that your aunt? My mind is blown. Okay, so now I'm wondering if this is even a hip hop song. I just assumed that it was a southern crunk hit, but now I'm not so sure. In fact, based on that picture I'm going to switch gears and just guess that Gucci Gucci is some kind of crappy pop hit. Like Ke$ha, and I don't even know what she sings. Oh, boy. I'm a bit nervous....

This isn't going the way I wanted it to go. I was hoping to learn about terrible ATL rap song or somthing, and then mock it. But now I'm faced with this. A regular pop hit. Maybe? I guess it could still be a rap song....I doubt it though. Now I think it'll be singing. Edgy, youthful, crappy singing. I'm going to post the video...and if it's not hip hop then this review is OVER.

Let's see....

Get More: Kreayshawn, Gucci Gucci, Music, More Music Videos

Okay friends, see you later. Review over. That "song" sucked. It was kind of like rap, I guess. But I won't accept it. This is not welcome at this blog. What a disaster. It can go the way of LMFAO and pander to all the dimwit kids with no taste. I'm sure the toady posers at MTV are involved somehow (that's how I came across the name Kreayshawn to begin with).

So what did we learn? Kreayshawn sounds like a rapper name. Gucci Gucci sounds like a rap song title. People are terrible. Kreayshawn is worse. Sure she is apparently opposed to wearing labels...so something about don't conform, yet she looks like 75% of the teenage girls out there. Cool. This is just cool stuff. Yeah, don't wear labels but make sure to bite like a snapping turtle with your shit lyrics. If you're an aspiring rapper you should definitely check this out so that you know how to not turn out.

Gucci Gucci Score NOT REVIEWED

*[Editor's Note: When we first posed the question regarding whether K$ was a man or a woman we honestly didn't know as none of us had heard anything involved with this before. I want to make it clear that there are TONS of DOPE female MCs...they just don't usually have names like Kreayshawn. That name is the worst.]

Time for me to RETIRE.

U-God's Resume #29, "Enter U-God"

2012-01-25T08:00:00.106-05:00

--Official Stats--
Artist: U-God
Song: 1. "Enter U-God"
Producer: The RZA
Album: Golden Arms Redemption
Release Date: October 5, 1999

Well, well, well. We finally come to U-God's solo album and let's just say that he bats way late in the roster. Let's check the line up:

1993 - Enter the Wu-Tang (36 Chambers)
1994 - Method Man, Tical
1995 - ODB, Return to the 36 Chambers
1995 - Raekwon, Only Built 4 Cuban Linx
1995 - GZA, Liquid Swords
1996 - Ghostface, Ironman
1997 - Wu-Tang Forever
1998 - Cappadonna, The Pillage
1998 - RZA, Bobby Digital in Stereo
1998 - Method Man, Tical 2000: Judgement Day
1999 - GZA, Beneath the Surface
1999 - ODB. N---- Please
October 5, 1999 - U-God, Golden Arms Redemption --AND-- Inspectah Deck, Uncontrolled Substance

HOLY CRAP. Ten solo albums dropped before this one. Every member of the clan (except for Inspectah Deck and Masta Killa) had come out, even Cappadonna. Shoot, by this time several people had already dropped two albums! In fact, weird side projects even got pushed through before this (Killarmy, Sunz of Man, Killah Priest). Method Man even dropped a side project (with Redman). So what was the delay? Was U-God putting in the extra work to make sure his album was great? Was he being delayed because he wasn't that well known? Was he just too busy? Who knows? Let's take a look.

I also should point out that U-God's debut shared a release date with Inspectah Deck's debut (is that right? I don't remember that?). He didn't even get his own day. WTFFF?

So we'll go ahead and take a look at this entire album track by track. An album that I will go ahead and say that I hate. This was honestly the first Wu album that deeply disappointed me to the point of anger. I was looking forward to this album, it was another Wu cut. ODB and GZA had both just dropped decent albums and I expected the trend to continue. For all any of us knew, this could have been another Ironman or Liquid Swords. So, on that fateful October day in 1999 I was near the Burlington Mall (in New Jersey) I stopped in and picked this up on the day it dropped, I spun it immediately in my car and was amazed at how bad it was. It was one of the albums that changed my view of both the Wu and hip hop for the worst.

I very clearly remember listening to this album for the first time...it was a day that everything changed for me. My enthusiasm for hip hop and music in general wained. This wasn't the only album that got to me, there was a lot of shit in 1998-2001, but this was a major blow to my outlook. It was a strong push over the edge...and it started with this song.

So I haven't heard this album in years and I don't really want to review it. But at least I'll be hearing it with fresh ears and my expectations are rock bottom. Maybe I'll find a jewel. Hopefully I'll find a jewel. But not today, this won't be a jewel, it's an intro, and I doubt it'll be a Kung Fu sample.

Let's find out...

1. "Enter U-God"

This is one of the worst intros. Sure, when you listen to it here by itself, it's divorced from the album and out of context, and maybe could be something more in the context of the album. But I doubt that the following track could change my opinion of this. So we've got U-God sounding like he's performing as a member of the crowd (not on the stage). The crowd doesn't seem to be interested in what he is saying as they just keep on talking during his verse. Now U-God has always had an odd flow, not necesarrily a bad flow, but he definitely flows differently from everyone else. He usually fits well over a beat, but without a beat he sounds really odd.

I'll commend him on spitting a raw verse for his intro, I love that, but before I get to his lyrical content I can't help but point out that he's rhyming to the cadence of Donna Summer's hit disco song I Will Survive. It's A WEIRD CHOICE and it's A BAD IDEA. How is it that nobody heard this and mentioned to U that it might be a bad idea???? That's right, four question marks. The lyrics themselves are okay, he spits the typical Wu Tang lyrical dominance thing, no big deal. In fact, it might be good if it were on a dope beat, but here it's just dumb. Check it out...

--Lyrics (To the tune of I Will Survive by Donna Summers)--

AW SHIT!
Now I got you tremble'n for the battle to begin
I'm not gonna leave this place with no sad face
Cuz I'm gonna win
The battle everybody in the world just came to see
Golden Arms, (ah!) take out these cornwalled ass MC's
All y'all corns - walk out the door (ah!)
You run the same rhyme that the crowd don't wanna hear no more
Gun blastin this and flashin that, reality now actually
You better listen, you better listen carefully
We came here (we came here), to dull the bass (ha, ha, ha)
And Mathematics catch the cut while RZA Ra just hold the bass
And I'm rhyme and on timin', it's so fresh from out the pack
Niggas got problems, cuz the Wu is fighting back
Please don't sing (please don't sing), yo battle rap (ha, ha, ha)
We got the most, the sugar coated bully rhymes from out the back
And we breakin', and we taken everything you fuckin own
Not yo bitches, but yo FUCKIN' MICROPHONES!

[Talking]
Y'all muthafuckas ready for the Redemption?
Bring it muthafucka *echos*
Yo Yo, dis U-God representin' that W
Tru, we comin' thru, I'm comin' thru
Wit the Redemption
This time it's me dolo solo here brah!
Guerilla Warfare you know how we do
Uptown, Downtown, Dirty South, LA, New York, Chi Town
We commin' thru for this shit, represent (respresent)
Yo, Yo, Watch out! They let the hell out the gates

At least it's not just random words, right? Well, U does the old trick of shouting out the names of a lot of heavily populated areas, making everyone happy, then he makes sure to let his listeners know that this is a solo album. Duh. And that's it. Oh, the track was produced by the RZA while he was doing other things like his taxes or something distracting. I mean the audience noise background is annoying and it never improves. The only nice thing, production wise, are some of the effects that make it sound like U is actually on stage.

This whole intro sucks worse than I remembered. I fear we're doomed. DOOMED!

Track Score: 0/10
U-God’s Score: 0/10
Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Harms

Next Week: Onward! U-God's wrath continues with track 2: "Turbulence".

About this series: U-God’s Resume is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

Foxy Brown: The First 48

2012-01-23T08:00:00.000-05:00

Editor's note: Today's post is brought to you by official Tort Team member Ruff G. #Salute. However, I hate this topic so much that I have heavily edited it and threw in my own commentary (highlighted in red). Tort G. in the mix.

I am a big fan of Nas album "It Was Written...". Sure, it's no "Illmatic" but it's a strong album full of bangers. One of the bangingest of tracks on the album is Affermative Action, not only because it has one of the dopest beats of the album, but because it has solid lyrics from three of New York's finest MCs: Nas, AZ, and Cormega (it also has Foxy Brown, we'll get to her in a sec, k). Now, if you're not a fan of AZ or Cormega then go ahead and TAKE A HIKE they're both the best. I would hate to rap on a song with these three guys. It's like a death sentence. You're done. You're like a man with no arms (you can't hang). It would be like playing basketball against Jordan and two other Dream Teamers. You're going to lose. Foxy Brown lost.

Obviously Foxy was aware of who she was spitting with, so she decided to go the nonsense route and just say confusing numbers and mathematics in her verse. Like chess, with numbers. Now, I'm sure these numbers have been crunched by the world's greatest mathematicians, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't take a crack at them. LET'S GO!

Editor's note: At this point our post becomes the borrrringest post imaginable just explaining math. DUMB. But I support our man Ruff G. even if this topic has been done to death. Word, okay so here are the lyrics (I should also point out that none of us has any experience with math, and a lot of us didn't even graduate from public school, STREETS)...

Here are Foxy's lines:

Thirty-two grams raw, chop it in half, get sixteen, double it times three
We got forty-eight, which mean a whole lot of cream
Divide the profit by four, subtract it by eight
We back to sixteen, now add the other two that 'Mega bringin through
So let's see, if we flip this other key
Then that's more for me, mad coke and mad leak
Plus a five hundred, cut in half is two-fifty
Now triple that times three, we got three quarters of another key
The Firm baby, volume one uhh..

Let's break out the lines by the numbers...

"32 Grams of Raw". That's our base number. Okay. 32.

"Chop it in half". 32 / 2 = 16. Easy, Now we have 16 Grams of Raw.

"Double it". Okay. 16 x 2 = 32. We're back where we started. 32.

"Times 3". 32 x 3 = 96. Fine. 96 grams of raw.

"We got 48". NOPE. Okay, somebody went wrong here. That's what Foxy says though. But the internet's answer to this is that the term "double it" is not literal, it just means "make a profit". Okay, so let's try that. Let's start over using that assumption:

"32 Grams of Raw". Our base number. 32.

"Chop it in half". 32 / 2 = 16. Done.

"Double it". We are skipping this on the grounds of slang. So we're still at 16.

"Times 3". 16 x 3 = 48. AH! We got it? 48?

"We got 48". Yes! Let's move on.

P.S. If "double it" is indeed slang, then could "chop it in half" be slang for "sell it"? I don't know.

Let's look at the next lines:

Divide the profit by four, subtract it by eight
We back to sixteen...

We have another problem. Foxy says that we divide the profit by 4, yet we don't know how much the profit is. Hmmm...BUT we can figure it out using reverse math*!!!
*Tort Team Exclusive Math™

So, if the answer is 16, and you get to that by subtracting 8, then the reverse math is this: 16+8, which equals 24.

Then if the profit was divided by 4 with a result of 24, then we need to multiply by four which gives us 96!

RRRRRRRTTTTT!!! (Car Breaks). Now wait just a damn minute. Doesn't that number look familiar? It's the number we came to earlier when we assumed that Foxy meant "double it" literally instead of as slang. Let me refresh your memory:

So that leads me to believe that the lyric is completely correct, the only problem is where Foxy says "we got 48". So just act like she doesn't say that and the problem is solved. Here is the Tort Team edit:

Thirty-two grams raw, chop it in half, get sixteen, double it times three
~~We got forty-eight~~, which mean a whole lot of cream
Divide the profit by four, subtract it by eight
We back to sixteen, now add the other two that 'Mega bringin through

Perfect math! So this might not be an error but a mystery. The mystery of the extra 48. Maybe we should get OFWGKTA on this, they love a good mystery! Also, don't hire ANYONE from the Firm to do your taxes.

Affirmative Action Score: 7/10

Points Lost By Foxy Brown: 2

Editor's note: Who cares? So I think we can all agree that Foxy gets destroyed on the mic by all three of the other MCs. However, her verse is the one we're still talking about isnt' it. I think all of this calculating misses the point. Sure the verse is dumb and a waste of breath, but all she's saying is that they got a key, split it and sold it, made a healthy profit, and still had enough to purchase another key. Big deal. Dumb verse. Was anyone expecting a good and coherent verse from Foxy Brown, much less good math skills? You know, Firm Biz , so what the deal is?

Where You At? Bushwick Bill

2012-01-19T08:00:00.001-05:00

We spend a lot of time here at the Tortoise General Blog deep in our studies of philosophy, medical science, and mathematics. It's our calling I guess. And one thing we keep noticing is that whenever the subject of algebra comes up we all turn our minds to Texas rapper and Geto Boys member Bushwick Bill. That guy was a good rapper! But whatever happened to him? Let's find out, in another edition of "The Tortoise General Presents: Where You At? Bushwick Bill"

Dr. Wolfgang Von Bushwickin

If you're not familiar with the Geto Boys at least on some level then this is really the wrong site for you. Go ahead and leave now, here is a link to assist you. Please go. The rest of us know that the Geto Boys were absolutely killing it back in the day. And doing it from Houston (of all places). Scarface is still one of the all time great MCs and his catalog is not to be skipped by anyone. His Geto Boys partners Willie D and Bushwick Bill are also well respected around here but never achieved the fame of Scarface. Here is a video of them at their absolute best...

That will never be topped. It's a good example of Scarface (the first guy) setting the bar ridiculously high and then Bushwick Bill (the last guy) easily sailing right over it (I guess I should mention that Scarface wrote the lyrics the the whole song, but Bill still murdered it). So this level of quality was a trend that continued for quite a while until the Geto Boys lost their position, sometime in the mid 90's, never to be heard from again (by the masses).

So who is this Bushwick Bill fella? Well, he's a Jamaican and not from Texas. That's interesting. AllHipHop.com called him a "menacing dwarf" which sounds mean but is also interesting. Wikipedia says that he "lost an eye in a shooting with his girlfriend [which] helped boost sales of [The Ghetto Boys] third album". That's very interesting! Tell me more, Wikipedia...

The most well-known event of Bushwick Bill's life was a shooting accident in which he lost his right eye. One night in May 1991, while depressed, drunk and suicidal, he went to his girlfriend's house and asked her to shoot him. She refused, and he threatened to harm their baby. After a struggle, the gun went off, piercing his eye, leaving a bullet stuck inside his head. He survived the accident, but lost his eye. The whole story is told in detail in the song "Ever So Clear" and its accompanying music video. The song name is a reference to the grain alcohol he was drinking at the time of the accident: Everclear. While in the hospital, a picture was taken for The Geto Boys' next album We Can't Be Stopped. In the album cover, the two other members of Geto Boys, Willie D and Scarface, are pushing a gurney down a hospital hall, and the bloodied swollen eye can clearly be seen.

HOLY CRAP! WHAT? I never knew that picture was real, why would they do that? That's exploitative. Fame can lead people to weird places. I guess the lesson is to stay away from Everclear...and guns...and whoever decided that this picture was a good album cover. Stay away from all of that. Plus, now the weirdest thing about that picture isn't the hats, it's the real gunshot eye injury. But those hats are weird too. Is that one hat made out of leather? Did Bill wear his "Posse" hat into emergency eye surgery? Why are the Geto Boys pushing his gurney? Aren't hospital staff supposed to do that? Would Dr. Dre be qualified to push the gurney? GURNEY!

So what else can we say besides that elephant in the hospital? Uh, speaking of Dr. Dre, I guess Bill moved on from the whole "shot in the face thing" and recorded some vocals for Dr. Dre's "The Chronic" (WHAT? WHAT? WHERE?) and laid some vocals for Tha Dogg Pound (WHAT?). I've been a fan of early Deathrow and Bushwick Bill for years and I never made that connection. Is he really on there? What's my source on that?

Okay, so at some point Willie D left the Geto Boys and new blood was brought in, then the new blood was let out and Willie D was brought back in. Solo records were made, popularity waned, and the Geto Boys released their last album in 2005. Nope, I didn't buy that one.

Bushwick Bill has been laying kind of low since. After that last Geto Boys record he became a Christian, then he was arrested for posession of drugs (WHAT?). The drug arrest started a chain of events that put him in prision for awhile and threatened him with deportation back to Jamaica. Yeeks. So, wow, uh, today Bushwick Bill seems to no longer be interested in performing with the Geto Boys at all, his focus is now on religious music. Apparently he'll only spit if he can spit the straight and narrow. Scarface and Willie D are not interested in that?

Bushwick Bill's last solo album came out in 2010 and it's called "My Testimony of Redemption". Let's check out a song...

It is nice to hear Bill's voice again. But is that the Bill that I grew up with? Sure it is! Bill is just spitting clean and honest, which is nice I guess, but Bill doesn't sound so happy about his time with the Geto Boys and his fame. I mean I'm glad that Bill found fufillment, but this ain't going to sell and it's not that good. I mean it's a little generic. Actually it's really boring. It's nothing that hasn't been done before, if you're going to go full Christian, go big, son. Innovate that business, make nothing stale. Yeh! Keep it so fresh. I mean look how much the Wu innovated and they couldn't be more religious. The well of Christianity is just as deep as that weird Wu stuff (I guess).

In conclusion, I suspect that the trend of stale music will continue with Bill's forthcoming album "The Road to Redemption" which I will also not cop. Anyway, we wish Bushwick Bill the best in life and all success with his music. Peace to the master. And stop drinking and doing drugs, or keep at it, whatever, just make some good music.

My Mind is Playing Tricks Score 10/10
We Can't Be Stopped Cover Score 0/10
Testimony of Redemotion Score 2/10

U-God's Resume #28, Inspectah Deck “Longevity”

2012-01-18T08:00:00.016-05:00

--Official Stats--
Artist: Inspectah Deck featuring U-God
Song: "Longevity"
Album: Uncontrolled Substance
Release Date: September 7, 1999

Well I think I pretty much slammed this album into oblivion last week, but I'll summarize my thoughts for all the new readers: Deck's debut album SUCKED even though Deck brought the ill shit lyrically. Why: Deck has the worst production ever. The last song we checked out was The Grand Prix, which had good lyrics over an awful beat. Deck and U-God just killed the track but there wasn't much to kill except for a generic trumpet loop. Bad beats. Bad trumpets. Bad loops. Will that trend continue into this song Longevity?

Let's find out...

"Longevity"

This beat is much better than last week's mess, but don't take that as a compliment: it's still not that good. It sounds like generic Wu. The chorus is okay, but once again it's Wu Vanilla. Nothing innovative until Deck comes in to spit. His first verse is okay but not that good. But then things change for the better...for the much better. After the second chorus U-God comes in for the second verse and something great happens: he spits a dope verse that completely rides the beat and hits hard like a pimp on a movie. It's nothing that would ever land on the radio, but it's good. Head nod shit...

Yo, the message in my music grab you, stuck in my sentence
Got to spit from the bottomless pit, speakin' my vengeance
Masked avenger never surrender my heritage
Killah Hill resident, 5'10" be my measurement
On land we stand under flags as confederates
You think you rule, pity the fool when the shell drops
It's hot, bodies scream to the extreme, damn, I'm delicate
We livin irreverent, intelligent, dirty habit
They full of fragments, abandon all ten commandments
Damage is done as the records spin, hatred in my features untamed

plus these cold blooded creatures bust
Architect gladiator radiate the power
Erupt with corrupt minds, locked in the tower
The crooks pressure cooked invasion be destroyed
Self-employed paranoid androids

That's good. But Deck smartly follows U with another verse with no chorus split, he keeps the cypher moving and his verse is pure fire. This is the type of shit that Deck is known for, this is Deck playing all his cards and DAMN it's good:

Shit. That is amazing. Those few lines should be singled out, pull their own review, and land a perfect score. It's a shame jems like this gut buried in this pile of trash of an album (production wise). That verse deserved a better beat. It deserved the best beat. Fuck the producers for slacking on this shit. Deck deserves better.

Yo! You mixtape heads out there, you should remix this entire album and keep absolutely none of the original production. That would be a smart move, sucka. So smarten up and remix this shit already, jeez.

Track Score: 7/10

U-God’s Score: 7/10

Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Improves

Next Week: U-God finally drops his solo album! We start with the intro: "Enter U-God".

Hold the planet like Galactus

About this series: U-God’s Resume" is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

My rhyme cold winds clear streets and slams shutters
Basic Instinct to tear the roof off the mother
Drastic verbal gymnastics, far from the averageHold the planet like Galactus

Lone Ranger, ancesters rolled with stone bangers
Never met a force deadly as my own anger
Clutch performer, raised on the blood soaked corners
of real life with real tight heads, that prey on ya

Yo! That's Your Theme Song: Portlandia

2012-01-16T08:05:00.000-05:00

This image is relevant...just wait.

Sometimes life takes a strange turn and surprises you with something that you don’t expect. For me that strange turn involved the genuinely funny IFC show Portlandia and the surprise was how the theme song of the show, Feel It All Around by Washed Out, got deeply embedded in my head and continues to be lodged in there like some sort of unmovable stone. I like the song a lot, but at the same time I hate the song because I can’t understand what they’re singing about and when I hear it playing in my head all day and night I just have an impression of the music, not the actual music, the song is just too much like what you hear when you get the gas at the dentist…it's spaced out music. In my head it’s just irritating moaning, but I still love the song even though it's not hip hop. I also love the show.

“Yo! This ain’t got nothing to do with hip hop” – You.

Hold on a minute, friend. Last night I looked up this song on YouTube to try to get it out of my head by listening to it a lot of times. You know, like quitting smoking by smoking a whole pack and getting sick. Well, it didn’t work; the song is still up there. Anyway, guess what I found: a hip hop version of the song! For one thing: oh brother, and for another thing, I didn’t listen to it. I had to hear the original again and again (I’ve got a problem). So today I’m going to go ahead and review the hip hop version. Fun? No way, but what else do you have going on? A rim job*?
*I don't know what that is, so we'll say that I meant that it has something to do with cars.

I would guess that Portland, Oregon is not an incubator for dope authentic hip hop. I mean I’ve heard hip hop from Seattle, and that’s close to Oregon, but I hope this isn’t as bad as that. But on the other hand I’ve also been surprised by great hip hop coming out of weird states like North Carolina and Kentucky, so this might have a chance.

Enough talk, let’s do this thing.

Let’s start with the fantastic and non-hip hop original track: Washed Up’s Feel It All Around, but let me warn you: this song is very dangerous and will get stuck in your head and ruin your life.

Oh man that is too good. Beard! Real whispy!

"Weeee feeeeeel it allllll arooooonnnnnnnd daaaahhhhhh saaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

you'lllllllllllllll knnnnnnooooow it's juuuuuuuuuusss aaahhhhh noooooooo aahhhhh naaaaaaaaayy-aaahhhhhhhhh"

Now for the ~~hip hop~~ rap version:

HIT THE BREAKS! That song WAS FROM WASHINGTON! DAMMIT. Wha? WHAT? It wasn't a Portland song? If I had known that I wouldn't have listend to it. We already knew that Washington sucks a rap, so this whole song sucking shouldn't be a surprise.

Otherwise, that was exactly what I expected. OK anTONE? Who are you and why are you here? I noticed your song is called "Puget Soundia", so...anTONE is clearly an idIOT. "idIotia"? What did you say when you watched the show "Portlandia", anTONE?

"This show is about Oregon and even though that's an entirely different state than Washington, AND even though the two states probably some kind of dumb rivalry I'll go ahead and use that clearly non-rap beat and make terrible lyrics over it about the Puget Sound. Oregon is close enough to Seattle for me."

You know what anTONE? Two things: 1. From now on I'm not spelling "Antone" like a dumbass and 2. Find a fucking beat that somehow represents your city and quit acting like an idiot. "Puget Soundia" is the DUMBEST song title ever in the history of the Earth. It stinks. "You're fired!" - Donald Trump to you. The Puget Sound SUCKS ANYWAY, I learned that from these two dunces.

ANTONE IS A DUMBASS, 206!

As for your lyrics? They suck. Here are the hashtags I would assign to your lyrics:

#fifthgrade #cowardly #lame #lol #weak #biter #poser #fronting #unoriginal #getalife

Let's just skip to the last line of the song so you know what kind of guy we're dealing with:

"If you like what you hear then turn this fucking jam up"

Okay, that's a normal line, but YOU SPIT IT WHEN THE SONG IS FADING OUT. How can we turn it up Antone? The song is over when you say that. You're over. GOOD GRIEF.

Done.com...you're done. What a joke. And why do Seattle rappers talk so much about getting signed? You won't get signed because you SUCK and your state is getting a really bad rap reputation. A bad raputation. Quit talking about it, focus on the raps and quit using profanity just to use it (like a kid), SAY SOMETHING YOU LOW LIFE.

So let's review: Antone sucks at lyrics, Antone sucks at picking beats. Portlandia is a funny show.

Also, WASHINGTON STATE HAS SOLIDIFIED IT'S POSITION AS THE WORST STATE IN AMERICA AT RAPPING AND WYOMING IS A STATE.

Feel It All Around Score 10/10

Portlandia Score 10/10
Puget Soundia Score 0/10

And another hip hop song on this beat...stop it, please. At least this one is actually from Oregon, but that doesn't make it okay. Okay? Okay, I'm guessing that this isn't bad by local Oregon standards, but by big tyme international standards this is shit. It's like rich people rapping about their college. Sustainable hip hop? GOOD GRIEF? Rythmic drip drop? GOODER GRIEF. #eattherich. #sinkoregon. #WAhastheworstrappers

Uh, I guess there is also a whole Portlandia mixtape...we'll have to get to that later. A lot later. We're not that motivated. At least that song is kind of out of my head now.

Don't let these rappers discourage you Fred & Carrie! Keep on joking and picking good theme songs.

Yo! Check Out My Cover: DJ Coppa "Stay In Your Lane Vol. 14"

2012-01-12T08:00:00.000-05:00

Artist: DJ Coppa
Album: "Stay In Your Lane Vol. 14" (Mixtape)
Available: DatPiff
Uploaded: October 29, 2011
Listens: 4,426

This is where I review an album cover without listening to the album. Enjoy friends.

I can't believe that I didn't find out about the Stay In Your Lane mixtape series until volume 14! I am way out of the loop. Yet I refuse to cave, I shall not listen to this album, I shall just gaze my eyes upon the cover and thusly describe my, uh, what I'm seeing. Hashtag.

So a common theme in mixtape album covers appears to be warehouses. If I were going to make an album cover I doubt I would use a warehouse, it's just weird and uninteresting (yet this blog is weird and uninteresting and I do it like sixty hours a week). In this case, even the warehouse looks computer generated. Good grief, right? Right, DJ Coppa? Is that Coppa like Copper the metal or Copper like 1930's slang for police? Good question? No great question.

Okay, so it's time to figure out who is putting out this tape. Easy right: "DJs are King.com" and DJ Coppa. Whoever those guys are. Is CJ Coppa one of those guys on the cover? Is he one of those guys on the TV screens? We may never know. Speaking of those guys on the TV screens, is that the same guy on all three screens? Are those the desktop images on the warehouse PC's? Probably not. CALL IT! Now my first thought when I saw this cover was that the TV screens were showing images from security cameras. Clearly they need security at their warehouse, I mean look at all that money and red packages, and fine luggage. I mean, DJ Coppa or whoever had better have a security service.

So now it's wild assumption time. I'm guessing that DJ Coppa is the guy on the security monitors. That means one of three things. One, he's doing some kind of security drill (doubtful) and testing the system and his security staff. OR: Two, he's robbing the warehouse (also doubtful). Finally, maybe he is installing the security cameras (again, doubtful). Why is there a different image of him on each screen, and why isn't anyone in the warehouse looking at the monitors? That's mad negligent. Oh, maybe he's waiting outside for them to come out so that he can fight them (he does look pretty mad) and they're waiting him out. "Just chillllll.....He'll leave at some point".

Okay, now for the warehouse crew who have a trashcan of cash, boxes of cash, and bags of money with dollar signs on them (LOOL).

A real thing.

Those are definitely real bags of money. When they load the ATM here at the Tortoise General Headquarters they always have a cart of those.

So one guy is reclined in the chair with his hood on. Good idea! Take a break. The other guys have nowhere to sit...which is probably why they all look mad and have their hands posed in such intimidating ways. Word. One guy has eagle pants (of course), like a thunderbird car and his shirt kind of matches. If I were making a album cover, I would definitely put him front and center because he has the best pants. Then there are a few more guys and what can I say? Chains, foam cups of grape soda, hats, and wrist watches. Normal stuff.

Someone needs to clean up that mess and then use some of that money to rent some clean office space with carpet. Real estate is cheap right now. Move up the property ladder.

So we have one ~~happy~~ guy in a chair, a bunch of dudes angry with nowhere to sit, while DJ Coppa is on mad security cameras waiting them out. Bogus.

Cover Art Score 0/10

U-God's Resume #27, Inspectah Deck "The Grand Prix"

2012-01-11T08:00:00.038-05:00

--Official Stats--
Artist: Inspectah Deck featuring U-God and Streetlife
Song: "The Grand Prix"
Album: Uncontrolled Substance
Release Date: October 5, 1999

So I guess this is where I have to review Inspectah Deck's album "Uncontrolled Substance" which I don't want to do at all. When this album dropped I was amped. Deck came off of "Forever" strong, he really proved himself to be one of the best in the Clan and this album was highly anticipated in my circle. Then I saw the cover and knew right away that things were not looking good, it was big warning sign. A big weirdly photographed and photoshopped warning sign. No matter how you cut it this album cover is embarrassing. I would say that the magnifying glass alone kills it (and it does), it looks like a kids show. Blues Clues. But the "action scene" doesn't help either. All of the Wu's album covers up to this point had been innovative or just plain dope or Tical (whatever that was). When I saw this I knew that the money train had come in and ruined everything somehow. Someone was being cheap or pushing things through too fast. Something. And how did nobody tell Deck that this cover was wack? Is he supposed to be facing off against the police dog? Is he moving toward the dog? Is he being surprised by the dog? Is this the end of our hero? Who knows? It looks more like he's casually climbing up on the hood of a fake police car while someone's pet barks at him for a treat. Weak.

So my fears were confirmed. This album sucked. More specifically, this is when the Wu officially switched from a well oiled and innovative machine to a generic music factory. Sure there was the infamous "flood" at the RZA's lair. But was the RZA so busy pumping the water out of his basement that he only had time to produce two songs for this album? Huh, the RZA? only two songs for your friend Deck? Did the flood force the RZA to add those terrible sound effects to Movas & Shakers? The dissapointing thing is that Deck brings it for the most part, his verses are on point all through the album, but his chorsus are awful and his production is appaling. Especially when he produces his own shit. Inspectah Deck makes terrible beats. I spun this album a little bit and I can honestly say that the beats are unbearable. The production is just lacking son. Tell that. Deck is one of the best lyrcists ever, his production is way below his skill. Don't believe me? Investigate how good deck does when he lands solid production.

So Deck pulled an unbelieveally shallow lineup for his debut album. Besides U-God he also managed to pull Masta Killa. That's it. Two people. No Raekwon, Ghostface, Method Man, ODB, RZA (rapping), or GZA. Not even Cappadonna. He did manage to pull Streetlife (which is good) but he also got stuck with La the Darkman, so he won a few and lost a few I guess. Well that's enough about that, now we'll look at the first track on the album that features another Wu Clansman...our subject: U-GOD in:

"The Grand Prix"

Lyrics

LAMONT! When you and Jason get together it's magic. Actually it's really bad. I mean that trumpet melody by itself is just the worst. I guess 4th Disciple was in a time crunch and just had to get this beat in as soon as possible? What other excuse could their be? The beat is awful. Plus the whole track depends on a dumb gimmick? Racing? Really? With the sound effects and everything? Deck acting like the announcer?

Despite the bad beat both of Deck's verses kill it. Streetlife sounds like U-God Jr. and doesn't add anything (which is odd for him). Then U-God comes in strong for 90% of his verse but loses steam toward the end. Here is his verse...

Fog lights beam, car 99 supreme
A high-powered machine spits sparks of baroline
The smell of gasoline, motor roar, the crowd roars
The rag tuck rip, box cut caught in my jaws
Enforcin my laws, rap mirage in my garage
The grease lightnin, dusty rose, shake him, bon voyage
Now duel of the iron, flyin fued for you writers
The speed demon, rebel talk, triggers, freedom fighters
Was tracked in the cock pit, I'm writin exact
I'm crushin corners, who that kid ridin the track
with the Wu helmet, 6th nigga, 5 cars track
The last but not least, I bliss through the scrimmage
No brakes, I dart, I'm racin for the finish
Understand my hunger for my land down under
It's the thunderous rush, after the sounds get crush
The purse snatchin pound, by all means snatch cream
tear your ass out of town

That's as good as you're going to get on the topic of racing. I want to also add a few of Deck's lines:

I hold many jewels, drop more than I wear
I come in peace, prepare for the warfare
The invincible fold, when they're caught in the square
and then talk mad shit when the coast is clear

Q: How could this album be bad with lines like that?

A: Production.

So at the end of the song the "announcer" says that "Team Wu Tang [is] holdin' down the first, second, and third positions", presumably in the race gimmick of the track. Well, there are only three racers and all of them are Wu affiliated, so that positioning is a given. Deck took first, then U. But I gotta say that 4th Disciple's beat takes last place. If I were in charge I would have fired him for this one or at least sent him back to the drawing board.

Track Score: 3/10
U-God’s Score: 7/10
Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Improves (I guess)

Next Week: U-God and Deck team up again on "Longevity".

Yo! That's a Mixtape: The Dutchmaster "Whats Good?"

2012-01-09T08:00:00.000-05:00

I'm going to let you know up front that I am extremely mad about writing this review. I have nothing against The Dutchmaster* specifically, but I have a problem with writing up a full review of his awful mixtape "Whats Good" for a second time. A few months ago I wrote this thing up and scheduled it for publication. Then a few weeks ago I went back to proof it and discovered that it had been somehow removed. How did that happen Blogger? What's wrong with your interface? This is my bread and butter dudes. Okay, so I know you don't care about the inner workings of some third-rate rap blog and what posts get lost in the shuffle. But if you're reading this then you should care because my mood is the WORST and IT'S DEFINITELY GOING TO COME THROUGH ON THIS REVIEW. I'LL PROBABLY EVEN WRITE IN ALL CAPS FOR AWHILE BECAUSE I'M THAT ANGRY. We're all doomed. Oh, and if THIS review somehow gets erased, I won't be back to write this up again. I can't take it. You'll be on your own Dutchmaster.
*I do have some issues, I mean, did you see that name. Come on.

So let's re-review this piece of shit. I'm sure you can tell that I don't want to write up any background on this mess so we'll keep it basic. The Dutchmaster is an idiot from Chicago (I guess) who thinks he can rap (of course) so he stole a few beats, did some shit on his computer and basically recorded himself rapping terribly and uploaded it to the internet. He thinks he's the best rapper and that he deserves a better life based on his greatness and his rap abilities. That's the story of most high school kid's life today: they're all the best rappers. OF COURSE they think they're able to rap, it's just rhyming words, right? Nothing to it? Anyone can do it.

Well...we see some cracks right away in the Dutchmaster's greatness: he doesn't understand how to use apostrophes (whats up with that?), he doesn't have his own name locked down (it may also be DutchmastaPhatz), he sucks at photoshop, and he uploaded this trash to DatPiff in 2008 and has pulled less than 200 listens (and several of them are from me thanks to Blogger's auto-post-erase function). So the masses have spoken: The Dutchmaster sucks at making mixtapes, he can't even get people interested enough to give him a listen. That is until now, when the dumbest people around, the Tort Team, from this terrible blog not only listen to it, but mock it, and hate on it, and make fun of it. Why? Because we're the worst kind of jackasses: old school hip hop elitists.

Who cares about any of this? Nobody. So we'll just call Dutchmaster "DM" from now on and just try to get through this....

1. "The dutchmaster busy in dis bitch"
HAhahah that's a great title, DM. Nice work. Oh, DM's real name is Eric, so we'll go with that sometimes.

"ERIC!!! What are you doing down there" - Eric's Mom
"Nothin' Ma."
"I hear a lot of rhyming and smell Pepsi...you better not be rapping again."
"MOM! Geez, I'm not rapping, I'm getting busy in dis bitch."

Oh boy, these mixtapes are scary. I'm talking fright night (and I don't know what that means). I mean it's scary that someone made this and thought it was good enough to share. It's funny and sad at the same time, but since Eric should be old enough to know better we'll just say that it's funny.

So Eric pulls from Master P's bag of tricks by starting things off with a classic drawn-out "Yeah" that sounds like a "Ugh", except that his voice sounds so flat that I guarantee that he is embarrassed to be making this tape. He's cowering back into himself. That's what happens when you try to be something your not. When you're fake, you live your life in fear of being revealed for who you are, then your voice sounds like this.

Where was I? Oh yeeeeeeeeeeah. This beat is probably stolen from somewhere. Vocal echo is in full effect. DM talks something about not having a girlfriend, being money sick, and it's all just a mess. I give up on this track. I give up on the blog life.

2. "Cant wait" ft lone gunman
Yo! Dutchmaster, check it out, I'ma put you on: apostrophes! Check 'em out. They can turn your cants into can'ts and then into cans. That's a silly thing for me to say. #keepitreal.com.

Alllllright. Another great title. So what cant you wait for? DM? Ladies? Oh, the dirty deed...DM and Lone Gunman can't wait for that. Well, it's clear that Lone Gunman is way better behind the mic than DM. I would post an example of lyrics but I don't want to hear this again....ah, I can't resist. Here are some DM lyrics for ya mind:

I met a chick in the Chi, she listened to B.I.G. and PAC

Four twenty-five was the time on my wristwatch

Conversation quickly led to a liplock

I can't wait...I think I got a shot...IT'S DUTCHY!

Good grief Dutchy. Let's switch over to Lone Gunman:

You know! Like Redman, "Tonight's the Night"

I'm going to show you girl...I'm going to show you the lights

Everything is terrible. These two together are the worst. Get me outta here.

3. "Look at those shoes"
Hahahahah! Listen, DM, I was done checking out shoes about the time Nelly started spouting off about Air Force Ones. I don't care about shoes. At allllll. "Say What?". It's true. I don't even care about your car or your city. Claim whatever set you want. I don't care. I do care if you can't come sick with the tracks and you're calling yourself an MC. I care a lot. That matters to me. So ask yourself this: why are you rapping about shoes when you can't even rap? Step up your skillz, then I'll listen to you drone on about your shoes (no I won't, dumbass). Shoes are fine and very important to feet, but raps about them are dumb unless you're very clever, which you are not.

I'm not even going to listen to this song. Well, actually I will! Let's check the chorus:

Look at them shoes, look at them kicks

look at them shits, look at , look at, them shits

(Repeat x100)

So DM? What kind of shoes are we talking about here that are so special?

Red Shoes
Blue Shoes
Brand New Shoes
Gray, orange, and white Air Force 2-2s
Fake [somethings] copped off eBay
Four pairs of "cats" (?)
Shoes that are "real fucking old"
Nike Dunks High
Nike Dunks Low (where DM keeps his toes)
Adidas Top 10's
Outdoor Kicks
Gym Kicks
CB-34s
Air Jordan's

Neat. That's a great collection...just like Paris Hilton! DM also says that his shoes are "Epileptic" and I'm not exactly sure what he means by that. Do they have seizures? Are they known to experience fear and total state of confusion? Who knows?

Now lets check the lyrics, son:

Always match my kicks with the shit on my dome

When I see fly shoes I take a pic on my phone

And if you ain't up on these kicks, well, shit you 'bout to learn

When I stroll up in my shoes all you see is heads turn

and if I'm broke and I can't afford 'em

best believe, that some way, I'll earn em

Well with that I can say that I've changed! I Love Shoes Now. Time to buy some shoes just like DM!

4. "Kenny lewis" ft1 dice mobbback to da block
Well, thankfully, this song won't play! We don't have to hear it! I would have loved to hear the rhymes of "1 Dice Mobbback to da block"...with a name like that, he (they?) have to be good. Who is Kenny Lewis? Why did he deserve a song? Who knows? It will be an eternal mystery caused by DM's inability to upload music to the internet. You better figure that out DM, it's important to being an MC in the modern world.

5. "Peace of mind"
This is a decent stolen beat, but it's not decent enough to save DM's terrible rapping. So how does DM get piece of mind? Well, he "flips" "oz's" and earns small money, then the ladies smell the money and are "on" him. Uh, then he gets high. After that there is a full minute of nonsense.

DM also points out that he has "so much heat" that "it force me to sneeze". Okay. That is exactly how I find piece of mind as well.

Then someone else (Lone Gunman?) comes in to spit a verse, and once again DM is massively out shined. But we get lucky again as the song cuts off at about the halfway point. DM you're lack of computer skills is a big help for me. Thanks.

6. "You cant believe it"

We'll see if I can believe it or not, then I'll let you know. DM starts out by spitting his best rhyme ever (his words):

Northpole! All day. Chicago for life.

We hustlas, so cops tryin to ruin our life

I'm paranoid to drive around at night

cuz the blue and red lights keep it cool

like you're transpor-ting white, on a flight

Don't got no more rhymes this tight

I try with all my might

If it fit, just throw ya hands in the air

like ya throwin' in a fight

Well, that's bad. I can't believe that I heard a verse that bad. This whole song is bad. I don't know what DM is doing with his voice but it doesn't sound very good. It sounds like he's timidly reading his lyrics and just trying to get through this song. Same as me. The only time his voice even changes from droning to excitement is when he boasts that he will be the next "rap superstar", which he will definitely not be. Big dreams, small talent. That's why you haven't had an album since 2008.

----

What a waste of time. DM is a terrible at rap. Just awful. If I had to guess his age based on his subject matter and rhyme skill, I would put him in the 8 to 12 neighborhood. But his voice sounds like a 15 year old at least. No matter what age DM is he is still terrible. Now I usually end my reviews by yelling at the mixtaper to quit rapping, or I give a little encouragement and then tell them to put in work. But this time I'll skip all of that, DM hasn't put anything out in a few years so he quit without my advice. Good riddance. Stay quit.

Also, in hindsight I see that Blogger probably erased my original review to save the world from being exposed to this shit. Blogger was trying to help. Thank you?

Whats Good Score 0/10

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Best & Worst of 2011

2012-01-05T08:00:00.000-05:00

Today we're honoring ourselves! TORT TEAM! WHAT! TORT TEAM WHAT?

It's just your typical best of / worst of post. Nothing special. Also, note that this post is ineledgeble for "worst post" because it would easily win that honor since it is literally the worst post we've ever done.

Let's start with the winners:

Track of the year:

Freeway Feat. Tek “Two Kings”

Honorable Mention:
A-Y "Fall Back"

This was a difficult one, especially with Showbiz and A.G. coming out so strong at the end of the year. A-Y could have easily taken it all, but I'm a sucker for anything BCC...add to that the scratching of "the king" at then and nobody else really had a chance (Philly Stand UP).

Disagree or say "I think not" and get got.

Tort Team Best Post of 2011:

This Korean Nonsense

Member of the Wu-Tang Clan of the Year:

Cappadonna for his verse on I Don’t Care from Vast Aire’s "Ox 2010: A Street Odyssey"

Editor's Note: this may have been released in 2010 (hence the title) but it came out so late that it didn't make the play list until this year. This song and Vast Aire are dope 2011 'til infintiy.

Not to mention Cuban Link Kings and other stong work:

Cappadonna - Cuban Link Kings by Justis Hype

West Coast Roller of the Year:

Xzibit for “Highest Form of Understanding (H.F.O.U.)” feat. Trick Trick

We know this came out in 2010 but it’s still the best of 2011 - it will continue to be the best every year until someone comes close to topping it (stand up West Coast). Everyone here officially loves this track.

But we’re not known for our love. Let's get to what we love: HATIN'!

Biggest Wu-Mistake of the year:

Method Man sells out ODB for Sour Patch Kids

Yo Meth, this is absolutely nothing like the St. Ides commercial or even the Super Gameboy commercial. YOU BLEW IT. Scroll up to that Xzibit video (or any of the tracks above) then reconsider your career choices.

Worst Song of the year overall:

LMFAO – Whatever this is.

Worst Mixtape of the year:
Traizey "Daily News Vol.1"

No contest.

Worst Tort Team Post:

OFWGKTA: TCOTCEC - We honestly just gave up.

Blap Blap. Life is good.

2011 Score 10/10

Hip Hop Awards of the Year 2011

2012-01-02T08:00:00.001-05:00

Awards are Important

HEY YO! Without major awards and honors and other ratings how would we, the masses, know what to like? How would I know what to like and review? We wouldn’t and I wouldn't! Grammar time. What I'm trying to say is that we could always check out the dozen songs on the radio but WHO HAS TIME FOR THAT? NOBODY! We don't have time for anything and we don’t know anything at all! We don't know where to look. We need major music industry awards! We need reviews. I can officially say that this blog loves all the major awards. How could we pick a favorite? These honors make a big difference in our lives and let us know what trends to keep our eyes on! Let’s see who’s the best in the AWARDS, HONORS, AND REVIEWS game for 2011.

The Tortoise General Blog Presents:

THE 2011 MAJOR MUSIC AWARD OR REVIEW SCORE OF THE YEAR AWARD

Let’s check out the nominees (in no particular order):

Two Grammy Awards

The Grammy Awards

Let’s start with the Elephant in the room. The grandmaster flash of music awards: The Grammy. A global phonemenon. This is arguably the most coveted award in all of music, and hip hop is even recognized in its own categories. Sometimes hip hop even breaks out into the mainstream categories and contends with the biggest stars on the planet for the highest honors of all time (Record of the Year, Album of the Year, Song of the Year, Best New Artist, that kind of cool cool stuff)!

So here are the winners for whatever year this is:

Best Rap Solo Performance: Eminem “Not Afraid”
Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group: Jay-Z & Swizz Beatz “On To The Next One”
Best Rap/Sung Collaboration: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”
Best Rap Song: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”
Best Rap Album: Eminem “Recovery”
Nominated for Record of the Year: Jay-Z & Alicia Keys “Empire State of Mind”
Nominated for Album of the Year: Eminem “Recovery”
Nominated for Best New Artist: Drake

THEY NAILED IT! That's a lot of hip hop and just a perfect list. That list is going to be hard to beat! We couldn’t stop listening to Drake, “Recovery”, and "Empire State of Mind" this year.

The Best of the Best

The Source “Mic Ratings”

What is a better place to get your hip hop information than the Source Magazine or Website or whatever the hell it has evolved to now? Actually, is the Source even in business anymore? I don’t know. I guess not. It's still a nominee though. Why not? Good luck Source!

What an Honor

Rolling Stone “Stars”

I would say that Reviews by the Rolling Stone Magazine are just as important as the Grammy’s. A five-star review instantly lets the reader know what's important and what’s the best music! If Rolling Stone sees that an album worthy of five stars then you can BET THE MANSION that it's going to blow your mind. Kah-PLOOW! Hip hop is regularly reviewed and awarded stars in these prestigious pages, and although no rappers pulled five stars this year (not even Tyler, the Creator OR Raekwon who both pulled 3.5 stars (as did everyone else almost)) the Beastie Boys managed to WIN EVERYTHING with FOUR STARS for their album “Hot Sauce Committee Part Two”. WOW! :)!

What size is your album?

XXL "Shirt Sizes"

YESSS. Double-X L SON. The other hip hop magazine which I guess is a website now or something. Some albums get a "S" size for small and some get the big prize "XXL" size, that's large son, extra-extra large. Well, no album has recieved the coveted "XXL" size rating since Kanye West and whatever album he released before the one with Otis and Jay-Z, but it looks like 90% of the albums are honored with the "XL" size award! So good system, and great award.

Six Dots!

Spin "Ten Dot Scale"
Spin magazine is yet another magazine that reviews music, and since hip hop is a legitimate form of music it sometimes gets reviewed there! The highest honor that the magazine can bestow is the TEN DOTS OUT OF TEN, which is very similar to the system that we use here at the Tortoise General Blog, so they are already looking like a frontrunner in this competition. Now it looks like J. Cole managed to pull 8 DOTS, that's a lot?

Delighted

BET “Shooting Star Trophy”
Let's be honest, BET should have the win. The awards are mostly hip hop, they know what they're doing in the category, and they had Warren G perform (in 2011)! So the overall winner was Chris Brown with his song Look at Me Now featuring Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes. Those are rappers. Good Choice? Niki Minaj and Kanye West won best artist awards, and Wiz Khalifa won best new artist. Tyler, the Creator wasn't even mentioned. What? Now this award show goes way above and beyond music and also awards movies and acting, and Michael Vick (who won the coveted "Subway Sportsman of the Year" award). That's great. I wish the Tort Team had thought of that award.

MTV = All Smiles

MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS (American) "Moon Man Statue Trophy"

The MOON MAN! A very important trophy, especially with the youth. Hip hop was well represented at this major extravaganza award ceremony, with the Beastie Boys being nominated for "video of the year" with Make Some Noise, which was a good song and thanks to the toady posers at MTV I know it was a really good song. Oh, and your favorite Tyler, the Creator was nominated for Yonkers, DUH (he won for best new artist, duh). Niki Minaj won the hip hop section, and clearly this is going to be tough to beat, awards-wise.

A European Rapper, Lol.

MTV “VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS (Europe)"
"European Moon Man Statue Trophy"
Okay, I know this one isn't going to win because it's really dumb and European, but we'll give it the fair chance that it deserves. Well, the Beastie Boys were nominated for best video EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE NOT EUROPEAN AT ALL, but they lost. Eminem won the hip hop category (also not European), and I'm sure nobody from our side of the pond showed up for any reason (they probably didn't want the plague). So I'm sure the ceremony was filled with languages that nobody understands, Bono, weird techno music, people without clothes, and terrible smells. So who ended beating the Beasties and winning the grand prize? These guys:

MTV Europe Best Artist 2011

--------

So those are our nominees for 2011!

Who will win our newest award? The

MAJOR MUSIC AWARD OR REVIEW SCORE OF THE YEAR AWARD

Let's find out....We wanted to have someone special actually give out the award, so here is a photo of SNOOP DOGGY DOGG (act like he is the presenter).

Howdy!

And the Award goes to:

THE GRAMMY AWARDS!

When it comes right down to it, "Empire State of Mind" won a lot, and that's a song we needed to know was the best. Thanks Grammy Awards. We #Salute you. Everyone congratulate our winners. After parties all around.

MAJOR MUSIC AWARD OR REVIEW SCORE OF THE YEAR AWARD Score 0/10

#NP Dope Cuts 4

2011-12-29T08:00:00.000-05:00

It's been two months since we made our last #NP recommendations. This we're bringing our strongest players, the best of the best. More quality and less quantity. Quality is definitely the name of the game. Also, some of the links might not work so you might have to track some of these down yourself. Quality.

So these are easily the best tracks we've spun since October..in case you forgot that there was still good hip hop dropping....

"Demigodz Is Back"

The Demigodz

The Demigodz- Demigodz Is Back -prod by Apathy by ApathyRadio

“Show & A”

Showbiz & A.G.

"South Bronx Shit"

Showbiz & A.G.

"Guess What"

A-Y

"Blac Magic (Audible Doctor Remix)"

Blacastan

Blacastan "Blac Magic (Audible Doctor Remix)" by audibledoctor

"Back Again"

R.E.A.L. Tha Poet

09 Back Again Prod. Mr. Potter by J-Ideas

"For The Record"

Torae

LIFE IS GOOD. BLAP BLAP.

It 'twas a short list, yet the material was tough. Kevlar.

U-God's Resume #26, "Fast Shadow"

2011-12-28T08:02:00.028-05:00

--Official Stats--
Artist: Wu-Tang Clan
Song: "Fast Shadow"
Album: Ghost Dog: The Way Of The Samurai – The Album
Release Date: April 11, 1999

I know, Wow, we're really scraping the bottom of the Wu barrel now. The only was is up right? I doubt it. So this album is important to me as a Wu-Tang fan is because I didn't buy it. Sure I'm a big fan of the RZA, and I like the Black Knights and the Sunz of Man, not to mention Jeru and Kool G. But not only did I never buy this album, I never even regretted it. I guess this was the exact point in my life that I had become so disillusioned with the Wu that I stopped purchasing just any album that even one member appeared on. Not too many years before this I bought the High School High soundtrack for just one Wu-Tang song, by this time I was skipping entire albums. I could put some of the blame on the Internet, it was taking up a lot more of my time and improving my access to Wu-Material, but I think it had more to do with other disappointing releases from the Wu and their side projects, and hip hop in general.

So was this album bad after all? I don't know, I've never heard it. I'm positive that I've heard a few of the songs from this album over the years through mixtapes and radio and whatever else, but I've never even been curious about the content of this album. I assume that it sucks. As for this specific song? I've definitely heard it more than a few times as it came up on my mp3 rotations, but who knows where I got it.

Okay then, GLHF!

"Fast Shadow"

Lyrics

The first thing I notice is that this beat is directly from the GZA's song Shadowboxin', and that's okay I guess. RZA's done that before with some song off of Raekwon's OB4CL, which pulled the beat straight from some song on Method Man's Tical (nice job research department). The beat is good, but the fact that I've heard it before in a slightly different form is distracting.

So, who is actually on this track? Sure the rear cover says the song is by the Wu-Tang Clan, but who is it really? Method Man (of course), ODB, the RZA, U-God, and Masta Killa. Not a bad line up at all. Unfortunately, U-God has only the chorus, and he really phoned it in. More on that in a second. Everyone who drops an actual verse here sounds good, but I think Meth takes this one.

As for the chorus? It's by far the worst part of the song (and ODB kicks the song off by yelling over and over for something to be sucked). Here is U-God's contribution...

Music makes me lose control
This is not just rock and roll
Hip hop digs right to the soul
Music makes me lose control
Wu-Tang, now we on a roll
On a rise, now here we go
Guaranteed to flip the show
RZA beats is outta control
Outta control, outta control, outta control
Outta control, now here we go

Kind of dumb. Really dumb.

Track Score: 7/10
U-God’s Score: 2/10
Impact on Rep (+,-,=): None, nobody heard this.

Next Week: We cover U-God's first appearance on Inspectah Deck's debut album in the track "The Grand Prix".

About this series: U-God’s Resume" is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

OFWGKTA Mystery: TCOTCEC

2011-12-26T08:00:00.000-05:00

Odd Future Mystery: The Case of the Christmas Eve Caper

'Twas a Christmas tradition for the Odd Future members, to meet up for gifts and feasting with neighbors. At Mike G’s cottage is where they all met, for kindness and love and mutual respect. Friends and families were there on that cold snowy day, gathering together on the coast of L.A.. And so it would seem that Odd Future can’t meet, without encountering a mystery that they must complete. And today was no different as the mystery was brewing, but could this mystery be our favorite groups undoing?

I'm not doing this. What's the point? I hate writing about Odd Future. I hate their stupid names and their unbearable music. Everyone on the Tort Team hates putting together these dumb mysteries that take weeks to finish and then just end up being stupid anyway and nobody looks at them. So if you were hoping for an Odd Future Christmas Mystery then I have to ask you this: What is wrong with you? Either:

You like Odd Future and were hoping for a little fictional fun with your favorite pre-teens
You like the terrible writing on this blog and you were hoping for another mess of a post
You hate Odd Future and you were hoping that this post would reinforce your hate.
You're trollin' the net for LOLZ.

Fine. You do whatever you want to do, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask what's the point? What's the point of anything? Why are you online right now? Why do you enjoy Odd Future? Why do you enjoy any music? It's all the same, right? Nothing really innovates. Odd Future just stirs up the same vomit as everyone else. It's not that different and it is exactly the same amount of shocking as NWA was like two decades ago, just NWA was lot harder and didn't act like they wanted to be cast in Jackass 4. It is the exact same though (excpet NWA may have been doing a lot more innovating and not coping the Neptunes). Whatever, it's all corporate nonsense put out there so some rich fat cats can get richer by exploiting your desire to define yourself by what you consume. They want you to like their garbage music and give them all your $$$$$.

That's the real Christmas Mystery here: why do you care about anything? Why are you passionate about music? Because it moves you? Becasue you can "feel it"? Because it speaks to you? It helps you feel like you're not alone? Listen YOU ARE ALONE. If it weren't for your tiny money stacks these companies wouldn't be pandering to you either. They would leave you to die. But don't fear: you are more than what you listen to. You're more than your bank account. You can innovate. You have it right inside you. Everything you take in, especially the dumb stuff, limits you. Everytime you watch a stupid TV show or spin some insipid song you chip away at your own ability to be free.

So this is solution to the Christmas mystery: leave this blog and never come back. Get off Twitter. Get off facebook. Stop being influenced and trapped. Destroy your TV and radio. Put down the XBOX and the PLAYSTATION and the Wii and whatever else sucks the time and life out of you and do something. DO SOMETHING. Find some real heads who inspire you to do what you want to do and not what you feel like you should do to fit in. STOP BEING FAKE AND STOP FRONTING FOR 2012, JACKASS.

Everything Ever Score 0/10

Ah, here's your problem sir, you've got a bit of MTV here.

5150: Have an Eazy Xmas

2011-12-22T08:00:00.000-05:00

This post is definately a "Track Check" as we are going to settle in with a nice cup of cocoa, gather the grandkids around and enjoy Eazy E's only Christmas song: Merry Mutha****** Xmas! Stay with us to the end of the post for our Christmas Present to you! A nice secret that will really make the season bright! Oh what fun it is to sing a sleighing song tonight!

I'm sure there are a lot of hip hop Christmas songs, and I'm sure they're all terrible, but the only one I can think of right now besides this one is RUN DMC's Christmas in Hollis. That song has Santa, snowmen, and a genuinely cheerful holiday spirit. Eazy-E took an entirely different approach to his Christmas song: profanity, drinking, filthy sexcapades, and extreme violence! You know, Xmas stuff! Holla.

The first appearance of this track was on Eazy's album "5150: Home 4 Tha Sick", which was Eazy's first solo album after the NWA break up. And you can barely call it an album since it only had five tracks and one of them was an intro and another one was this weird muthaphhukkin Christmas song. Sure, this album came out right after Christmas in 1992, but even in a full blown holiday season I doubt people wanted to hear this. But for me, as a kid and an Eazy-E fan, I can say that I loved this album and this song. It'll be interesting to see how it's holding up twenty years later. I suspect that it will be terrible, but who knows? Eazy-E is timeless. Okay, so here is the track (better not play this around ~~your parents...or your kids...or your grandparents / grandkids.~~ anyone)

Wow, right? First of all, who in the hell are all those guest spots? Menajahtwa, Buckwheat, and Atban Klann. Who? I guess we'll get to that as we dig into these verses...

Eazy E kicks things off with the first verse, and he starts that off by wishing us a Merry Christmas and then shooting at us! It goes from there to a sex verse to the tune of Dashing Through the Snow (of all things) with Eazy declaring it "Tis the season to get busy". Nice. Kids just don't do that kind of thing anymore. It's a bygone era or something.

Next up is Menajahtwa and the question "what kind of name is that?". OH HOLD ON, it's Menajahtwa (you have to say it with a Jamacian accent...that makes me think I might remember them from a Naughty by Nature song), the two female rappers who appeared on a couple of Eazy E songs and made no difference! What ever happened to them? I guess it doesn't matter in the long run. Anyway their verse involves listing their Christmas wish list: Sleigh Ride, CD Player, VCR. Normal stuff. But then it gets dirty and turns into another sex verse! Tis the season for that!

Sheesh. Next we have Buckwheat, whoever that is, and his verse is very angry and he just lets kids know that Santa is a lie (spoiler alert kids). Dumb verse. How are the first and second spot on this track filled with dirty, dirty sex raps then this guy comes in and just ruins the secret that Santa isn't real? I STRONGLY doubt that any kid who happens to be listening to Merry Muthaphhukkin Xmas hasn't learned the truth about Santa. Did you think of that Buckwheat? No? Step up your shock value, son.

Finally we have all kinds of crazy stuff with Eazy E running through famous Carols, but inserting his own filthy lyrics. Okay.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas"

"On the third day of Christmas my homeboys gave to me: 3 Pounds of Indo, 2 bricks of Cocaine, and an A Muthaphhukkin K" - Now that's a CHRISTMAS.

"Oh Christmas Tree"

[Ladies singing]: "Eazy E, oh, Eazy E. Show us how you treat those b****es."

"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus"

I think you can guess the lyrics here. "Kissing" is stepped way up and Santa Claus becomes Eazy Claus.

And "Little Drummer Boy" was thrown in there as well. It's a heartwarming Xmas medely.

Now for your Christmas Gift! Here it is:

The last verse on this song is performed by none other than Will 1X, or now known as Wil.i.am from the super sell-out group The Black Eyed Peas! In 1992! That's right! I was spinning Wil.i.am when I was just a lad, apparently. I never knew that. Weird right? I mean, of all people. Wil.i.am. Huh. Things that make you go huh. So how does he do? Just fine. There was a time when Wil.i.am wasn't ruining everything! Maybe he could be visited by the ghosts of muthaphhucking Xmas past and get straightened out? WE can only wish!

Okay, that's it!

"...and they all went to prision and had f***ed up lives ever after. The End."

Merry Mutha****** Xmas Score 2/10