Our 1,000th post: FU!

Welcome to our 1,000th blog post! I got 999 problems and they're all my other posts. The problem is that they are all terrible. This post will be terrible as well! Stay the course.

So.......what should we do to celebrate lucky number 1,000?

How about we meet a Polish MC named Fu and see what he's all about. Poland! Y1K?

Wake up Fu! You're on!

We all know Fu from his time with ZIP Skład and Zipera right? Well, I don't, but I'm sure that his time with them was important. That was way back in 1998. Since then he's been featured on unforgettable songs like Ja mam to co ty and Wyjść na prostą. You might have heard of those songs but I haven't. I've been busy. I even missed Fu's six many  solo albums (even Wrodzony Instynkt!). Where has the time gone? I'll even let you in on a secret: I've never even heard of Fu! I wasn't even sure that Poland had hip hop, I just assumed that they all listed to either weird European techno or old timey piano music, but here we are. Polish hip hop. I'm sure it's as good as the American stuff. Right?

Let's check out his latest album De facto which is described as having a "classic hip hop feel". Good. I like that. It also boasts "a variety of musical surprises". Good again, this will fit perfectly in with our surprise party for our 1,000th post! What kind of surprises can we expect? Guests! "First-class" guests like Adam Zeńczewski from Daab and Bas Tajpan, Pyskaty, Pono, Olsen, Chada, Felipe, Brahu and Hades. All of those people! We're in for a treat. I can't wait any longer, let the review begin!

Like a mirror, and something bad happens.

Well...I should have expected problems when dealing with European rap. Once again it's the language barrier, but this time Google might be able to translate some of this shit.


Actually, hold up again. I don't want to listen to over twenty hip hop songs in a language that I don't speak. That's nuts! So I'll give you the track list, the song title translations, then I'll review the "hits". Sa-sa-slam dunk.


Here is the track list with Tort Team Official translations and reviews of a few tracks:

1. Intratny początek (intro)   [Translation: Cushy Beginning]

2. De facto    

Okay, well we start with some scratching. That's good! I guess that there is a lot of scratching. They get it! Good choice. Now, of course nobody is going to understand this mess, but it doesn't sound as bad as I had hoped. Judging from the video I would say that Poland has picked up a lot of the American tricks. Walking down the street in slow motion, lots and lots of shots of the city (whatever city Poland has), putting your hands next ot the camera, wearing shorts, etc.. He walks next to a store called "KOMIS" which I would bet either means "Payday Loans", "Pawn Shop", or "AT&T". You know, city stuff. It's hard out there for a początek!


Besides the required hip hop stuff (listed above + nice cars & sunglasses) we get a lot of the typical European rap problems. First of all, it doesn't sound like anything is rhyming. Sure, I can't understand a single word that Fu is saying, but I know if one thing sounds like another thing. It's basic. I wonder if Europe has evolved past rhyming in rap, or if they never really understood that it was a key component (I'm betting the second one). Next, the "tough" neightborhood looks weak. Like, better than "good" American suburbs. So, basically a nice place to live and grow up. Third, all of the "tough guys" posing and posturing in the video look like American IT professionals. Which means not intimidating at all. Those guys would definately help you if you had a flat. NEXT, there is a point early in the song where we have a police siren and the video shows some kind of car racing down the street. Uh, is this a Polish police car?

If it is then HAHAHAHA! Why does it have a roof rack? Why does it look like something that an IT professional would drive? HAhaha! I know, becasue there isn't any crime in Poland apparently. So is crime some kind of requirement for good hip hop? No. Does it hurt your tough-guy image to live in an affluent area? Yes. Want proof this neighborhood is safe? How about this:

I see Fu rapping. I see some "tough guys" doing something. And I see a regular lady riding a bike with a basket on the front, riding carefree like it's a beautiful day. So, I guess I'm starting to wonder if Fu is frontin'?

"If he were fronting why would he put the lady on the bike in his video?" - You.

Duh, he's European. He has no idea what is going on.

Let me stop here and say that it's honestly taken me like three hours to get to this point in the review and I haven't really stopped working on it. It's just taxing. I don't think my brain is equipped to process this. Now we see a real police car and it looks like you would expect. So what was that other car? Was it a police car or wasn't it? What are the police up to over there? Actually, what are the police doing in the video? Helping someone find their way or issuing a parking ticket? One of those things, nothing major.

FU! FU? What are you doing? What is this video? It's just weird. Later we see a saw shaking on the ground. Why? A saw? Then Fu is looking at his reflection in windows. Whaa? Why?

I can't finish this post. I know I say that all the time, but this time I really can't. Maybe that should be theme of this blog: quitting. I quit my posts at like the 10% point. And Europe calls this kind of music "hip hop" and is 10% accurate. They should quit and I should quit. FOREVER!

1000 Posts Score 0/10
Fu Score 0/10
Poland Score 0/10



Here are the rest of the songs on the album and my translations of the titles. I honestly planned to review all of this:

3. Mam na to wyjebane [Translation: I have it wyjebane]
4. A co gdyby było inaczej? feat. Pyskaty, Agnieszka Bil [Translation: And what if it were otherwise]
5. Uliczny blues (skit) [Translation: Street Blues]
6. Do trzech razy sztuka [Translation: Three Strikes]
7. Tak bardzo trudno feat. Spalto [Translation: So it is very difficult]
8. Zmęczone oczy [Translation: Tired Eyes]
9. Jak pitbull (wersja 1) [Translation: As Pitbull (Version 1)]
10. Filozofia życia (krwawy sport) [Translation: Philosophy of Life (blood sport)]
11. Lepiej budować niż burzyć feat. Olsen, Pablo [Translation: ]It is better to build than destroy
12. Obudź się, Fu! [Translation: Wake up, Fu!]
13. Bez limitu feat. Mista Don [Translation: Unlimited]
14. Ku przestrodze [Translation: As a warning]
15. Nie zaprzeczysz mi feat. Chada, Brahu [Translation: Don't Deny Me]
16. Zawsze jest nadzieja feat. Felipe, Sylwia, Dynek [Translation: There is always hope]
17. Permanentne upojenie [Translation: Permanent Intoxication]
18. Takie życie ziomuś feat. Hades [Translation: Such a Life Kid]
19. Pamiętaj synku [Translation: Remember Sonny]
20. Przesłanie z daleka feat. Daab (Andrzej Zeńczewski), Pono, Bas Tajpan [Translation: Message from Afar]
21. Jak pitbull (wersja 2) [Translation: As Pitbull (Version 2)