Monday, April 22, 2013
This is the song where Kendrick Lamar RIPs Jay-Z. Bodies. DOAs. Whatever.
You can call me a Kendrick Lamar fan...I'll accept that label. You can also say that I respect Jay-Z, but at the same time, the last time I thought he killed it was when "In My Lifetime, Vol. 1" dropped, after that it's been all downhill. Like skiing.
Anyway. One of Kendrick's standout tracks is "Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe". It's a perfect song. literally perfect. If you make a song like this, you don't fuck with it. Just put it out there and let it be. Here it is.
See. That's some laid back shit with masterwork on both production and lyrics.
So what is the worst thing that could happen to this song? Why not bring in Jay-Z for a guest.
Why is this a terrible idea?? First of all, like I already said, the track is perfect. It doesn't need anything else. Second, Kendrick kills it all by himself. He holds this shit down and anyone trying to hang is just going to get steamrolled. Third, this sounds like a Kendrick Lamar track, it has all his elements that nobody else has. If you try to hang on this track, you're going to look like a biter. So, this track is a minefield, if any other MC sets foot on it, they're going to die a humiliating death.
Now, whoever came up with this idea clearly knew that this would be a tough track to guest on, but they wanted to get Kendrick some sales so they went big. The biggest. Jay-Z. Everyone loves Jay-Z, and he should be lyrically talented enought to keep up with a rookie like Kendrick , right? WRONG.
Right away I noticed that Kendrick went off topic for the remix, I think he's trying to set up his guest (Mr. Z). Anyway, it sounds a little flat until he starts bringing up other MCs and then it turns to fire. A+ level lyrics. Then we have Jay-Z.
Dude sounds so out of touch with reality that I can't believe that he still moves units. Who buys this shit?
"Up in the clouds, me and my spouse"
Ugh. So weak. Then he has the Kendrick Lamar echo thrown onto his voice and it sounds like biting. A fucking old rich dude rapping about having cocktails on a private jet and hanging out with the former Secretary of state. "I'll buy a song about that" - all the kids (but not me). He's like the Mitt Romney of rap, rich, elderly, and out of touch.
Just look at what Jay-Z said in his famous '47%' quote:
"There are 47 percent of the people who like real hip hop no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who recognize real, who are dependent upon the underground, who believe that real music is a victim of the mainstream, who believe the artists have a responsibility to drop dope tracks, who believe that they are entitled to decent lyrics, to ill beats, to hard shit, to you-name-it. ... My job is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them they should just accept commercial rap as hip hop." - Jay-Z in a secret recorded something something...
What a mess.
Fortunately, Kenny comes back in just stabbing. Every line is tough. I think he knew that he had to clean up Jigga's mess, so he borught a mop...and mopped the floor with Jay-Z.
In the end, Jay is killed by his host. KILLED. He's out of touch lyrically. He sounds like a biter. He sounds like a phony. So he gets murdered. Dead. Without a trace. In fact, please remove Jay-Z from the Jay-Z remix. Thank you.
BITCH, DON'T KILL MY VIBE SCORE 10/10
BITCH, DON'T KILL MY VIBE (JAY-Z REMIX) SCORE 7/10
BITCH, DON'T KILL MY VIBE (JAY-Z REMIX) SCORE WITHOUT JAY-Z 10/10
Monday, April 15, 2013
First a Drake video and now a J. Cole video? How we gone soft? No. We were mocking Canada's "finest" and now we reviewing a song by a guy we genuinely respect: J. Cole (due to his skills) and, plus, I wanted to see his new video. Is that a crime, detective? No.
Actually, even though I like J. Cole, I haven't been spinning his shit much lately because even though he has skills, he still raps A LOT about the LADIES and he has a lot of singing. No thank you. Call me for Grown Simba 3 or whatever.
So this video is new to me, as is this song. But it will surprise you to discover that we're not reviewing the video, we're going to see what the commenters have to say on youtube. People are dumb and their comments are worse. So let's check out the video and then see what people had to say about it.
So the video is that Cole kills a dude. Whatever.com.
I pulled these comments on April 10, 2013 from the official YouTube upload.
wtf happen indeed. Next.
Hahah! Brian, never change. Except maybe get an education. You're an idiot.
Okay. So there is a lot of this:
I guarantee that this video makes sense without seeing "dreams". Cole is obsessed, Cole murders the boyfriend. What's so hard to understand? Does everyone online think that they're smarter than everyone else (like me)? Does everyone think they have the inside scoop? Good grief. Cole makes this connection in the lyrics of the song, stupid. You suck and your ability to figure out that this song ties into another song is silly, and then you tell everyone like you cured cancer? Did you also know that R. Kelly has a shit load of songs that fit together? Did you?
But these countless idiots are no match for the stupidity of the people who actually need to point out that Miguel is not actually dead:
Are you kidding me, whatsupin2012, you freaking jackass?
Really? That is so interesting. A makeup artist! Is her day job at Macy's or a funeral home?
And some good news:
Keep it up, Nyjae!
Yeah. I hate those two groups of people and I'm definitely not in either group at all.
Gary Perkins, do you have anything smart to add?
HAHA! Classic Gary. This video shows police harassment at its worst: a cop pulls over a suspicious vehicle (and checks the trunk (with consent apparently)) and then he lets them go. What a jerk. The funny thing is that the cop was actually right about his suspicions...he had two murderers there, so he was literally doing the job the community pays him to do. I'm no fan of police, but in this case, Muguel's family might want some answers.... Anyway, Gary, you're a genius. We might be able to be friends! Let's check your other comments...
HOLY SHIT! Never mind. I'm a WELL DOCUMENTED Nelly hater, and this is unforgivable. We can never be friends. I hope you end up in St. Louis some day. It's the worst.
IN CONCLUSION: What a lot of fun we had together doing this. To J. Cole, make better music. To J. Cole's fans: you're stupid, 3 hunna.
POWER TRIP SCORE: 3
J. COLE FAN AVERAGE IQ: 3
Monday, April 8, 2013
Think about the dentist. You know that little water gun they put in your mouth to wash out the bad tastes and chemicals? That little spritzer thing? Well, you're probably going to need one of those because we're about to gather together and watch Drake's video for "5AM in Toronto". And you're probably going to vomit into your mouth a lot (like a gallon). Then you can use that dentist water sprayer to clean out the terrible taste of Drake's shit video.
So, I don't think we've talked too much about Drake, except to identify that his fans are complete idiots. They're the absolute worst (both Drake and his fans). Personally, I'm not a fan. I think his music caters to the ladies and also to stupid kids or something. Whoever he makes his music for, it's not me (the hip hop professional blog owner and official hater). Plus, I haven't ran the numbers yet, but I suspect that Canada is the worst at rap. Oh, wait. I have ran the numbers. Canada sux at rap. Just look at these two images from our archives:
See? That's proof positive. Anyway. Let's get to video. Hopefully it will be amazing and erase all of the bad feelings we have about our stupid neighbor to the north.
In hindsight, who gives a shit about Toronto in general, much less what happens at 5am there? Nobody. I mean this in the nicest way, but Toronto is a shit city. Nobody ever thinks about it. And at 5am there people are sleeping or getting ready for work. They're fucking grumpy. Especially in the endless winter of Canada. So is it any surprise that nothing fucking happens in the video?
So what happens at 5AM in Toronto accoring to Drake?
Standing around, barley moving, while having a smoke and a drink. Moththerfucker, I call this break time for the kitchen crew at Denny's. Not hip hop shit. This is every bus stop in Philly ALL THE TIME. Fucking drunks freezing and smoking while waiting for nothing to happen. #philly #allday
Things get exciting when Drake decides to walk across a parking lot and enter a building! WOW! Amazing visual. Give that director all the MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS. In fact, cancel the mtv awards, this video just won them all. So where is Drake going? Is he on grill? "Break's over, deadbeat, clean the tables. Oh, and breaks are only ten minutes Jimmy Brooks." - Denny's manager.
Oh. Now the video cuts and we're following someone inside a club. It's so sick in there. What do we see? Bar. Bikini. Smoke. Stupid hat. What a cool place. Toronto.
See the background in that picture? It's a beach volleyball court. Because Toronto is known for its beach volleyball. Nothing else happens in the video or in Toronto. Drake Raps at a tea table while four girls stand around looking cold and tired in the Volleyball pit. Then the power goes out and they break out the flashlights.
Thanks for showing the world Toronto's famous unreliable power grid. Fuck it. Then Drake leaves the volleyball beach party alone (well, with his boys). Sad.
|"Volleyball" is one word. All Canadians are stupid.|
You know the stupidest thing about this video? I didn't give a shit what Drake was rapping about. Not because of the video (which was dumb), and not because of the beat (which was dumber, except at the end when the break drops), but because his raps were uninteresting. How is this shit a hit song? How does this deserve a video? You can do better than this Drake. Canada can do better. We can all do better. Give me my 3:37 back, jackass.
5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (song)
5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (actually being there)
|Visit one of Canada's two shit holes*: Toronto|
*the other one is Vancouver
Monday, April 1, 2013
Before we jump in, who in the heck is Professor Green? OH SHIT! He's a British rapper. Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to score this song right now, before I've even heard one shit line:
2. Tried a freestyle at a friend's house
3. Won a freestyle contest
4. Signed the next day
5. Droppin' the #1rap hit in Ireland (lol)
Oh. HAHAHAH! It's WAY WORSE than I thought. Emeli Sande, I don't know who you are, but you're way better than this crap. I'm not going to get into the daddy issue / dumb teenager content of the song because that would be disrespectful, but I will say that ur neck tattoo is lol. And your beat is so generic. Did you get that music from a drug commercial? I was waiting for the voice to come on at the end and give all the side effects from taking this medication / listening to the rap.
- Call your doctor if your depression worsens from listening to Professor Green, or if you have unusual changes in mood, behavior, or thoughts of suicide (which you will).
- Professor Green may be especialy dangerous for elderly patients suffering from dimentia or other psychosis.
- Listening to Professor Green music may cause malignant syndrome whic includes: A high fever, stiff muscles, confusion, irregular pulse or blood pressure, a fast heart rate (tachycardia), sweating, irregular heart rhythms (arrhythmias).
- Professor Green can cause tardive dyskinesia -- a condition involving unusual, uncontrollable body or face movements. NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH DANCING.
- There is an increased risk of stroke in elderly people who listen to Professor Green.
- Professor Green makes sweet music for young children, and may increase in blood sugar levels and increase the risk of developing diabetes
- Professor Green can cause a drop in blood pressure when going from a sitting or lying position to standing.
- Professor Green may increase the risk of seizures. Before listening to Professor Green, tell your healthcare provider if you have epilepsy or a history of seizures.
- Professor Green is considered a pregnancy Category C medication. This means that it may not be safe to listen to during pregnancy.
- Generally, alcohol should be avoided while listening to Professor Green, as the listeners judgment may be impaired.
What else can I say? The song is wack. Everybody grow up. The end. My predicted score stands: 0/10.
Eat shit England and quit rapping.
You know, before we leave, let's check in with an American who goes by the name Green as well. But he's no "professor"...just a Mister, and he's very good at what he does.
Fuck. That's how you do it. Real hip hop.
Philly. USA. FUCK YOU.