Kendrick Lamar "Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe (Remix JAY Z)"

This is the song where Kendrick Lamar RIPs Jay-Z. Bodies. DOAs. Whatever.

You can call me a Kendrick Lamar fan...I'll accept that label. You can also say that I respect Jay-Z, but at the same time, the last time I thought he killed it was when "In My Lifetime, Vol. 1" dropped, after that it's been all downhill. Like skiing.

Anyway. One of Kendrick's standout tracks is "Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe". It's a perfect song. literally perfect. If you make a song like this, you don't fuck with it. Just put it out there and let it be. Here it is.






See. That's some laid back shit with masterwork on both production and lyrics.

So what is the worst thing that could happen to this song? Why not bring in Jay-Z for a guest.


Why is this a terrible idea?? First of all, like I already said, the track is perfect. It doesn't need anything else. Second, Kendrick kills it all by himself. He holds this shit down and anyone trying to hang is just going to get steamrolled. Third, this sounds like a Kendrick Lamar track, it has all his elements that nobody else has. If you try to hang on this track, you're going to look like a biter. So, this track is a minefield, if any other MC sets foot on it, they're going to die a humiliating death.

Now, whoever came up with this idea clearly knew that this would be a tough track to guest on, but they wanted to get Kendrick some sales so they went big. The biggest. Jay-Z. Everyone loves Jay-Z, and he should be lyrically talented enought to keep up with a rookie like Kendrick , right? WRONG.






Right away I noticed that Kendrick went off topic for the remix, I think he's trying to set up his guest (Mr. Z). Anyway, it sounds a little flat until he starts bringing up other MCs and then it turns to fire. A+ level lyrics. Then we have Jay-Z.

Jigga.

Dude sounds so out of touch with reality that I can't believe that he still moves units. Who buys this shit?

"Up in the clouds, me and my spouse"

Ugh. So weak. Then he has the Kendrick Lamar echo thrown onto his voice and it sounds like biting. A fucking old rich dude rapping about having cocktails on a private jet and hanging out with the former Secretary of state. "I'll buy a song about that" - all the kids (but not me). He's like the Mitt Romney of rap, rich, elderly, and out of touch.

Just look at what Jay-Z said in his famous '47%' quote:

"There are 47 percent of the people who like real hip hop no matter what. All right, there are 47 percent who recognize real, who are dependent upon the underground, who believe that real music is a victim of the mainstream, who believe the artists have a responsibility to drop dope tracks, who believe that they are entitled to decent lyrics, to ill beats, to hard shit, to you-name-it. ... My job is not to worry about those people. I'll never convince them they should just accept commercial rap as hip hop." - Jay-Z in a secret recorded something something...

What a mess.

Fortunately, Kenny comes back in just stabbing. Every line is tough. I think he knew that he had to clean up Jigga's mess, so he borught a mop...and mopped the floor with Jay-Z.

In the end, Jay is killed by his host. KILLED. He's out of touch lyrically. He sounds like a biter. He sounds like a phony. So he gets murdered. Dead. Without a trace. In fact, please remove Jay-Z from the Jay-Z remix. Thank you.

 
BITCH, DON'T KILL MY VIBE SCORE 10/10
BITCH, DON'T KILL MY VIBE (JAY-Z REMIX) SCORE 7/10
BITCH, DON'T KILL MY VIBE (JAY-Z REMIX) SCORE WITHOUT JAY-Z 10/10

Drake "5AM In Toronto" Video Review

Think about the dentist. You know that little water gun they put in your mouth to wash out the bad tastes and chemicals? That little spritzer thing? Well, you're probably going to need one of those because we're about to gather together and watch Drake's video for "5AM in Toronto". And you're probably going to vomit into your mouth a lot (like a gallon). Then you can use that dentist water sprayer to clean out the terrible taste of Drake's shit video.

So, I don't think we've talked too much about Drake, except to identify that his fans are complete idiots. They're the absolute worst (both Drake and his fans). Personally, I'm not a fan. I think his music caters to the ladies and also to stupid kids or something. Whoever he makes his music for, it's not me (the hip hop professional blog owner and official hater). Plus, I haven't ran the numbers yet, but I suspect that Canada is the worst at rap. Oh, wait. I have ran the numbers. Canada sux at rap. Just look at these two images from our archives:

See? That's proof positive. Anyway. Let's get to video. Hopefully it will be amazing and erase all of the bad feelings we have about our stupid neighbor to the north.




In hindsight, who gives a shit about Toronto in general, much less what happens at 5am there? Nobody. I mean this in the nicest way, but Toronto is a shit city. Nobody ever thinks about it. And at 5am there people are sleeping or getting ready for work. They're fucking grumpy. Especially in the endless winter of Canada. So is it any surprise that nothing fucking happens in the video? 

So what happens at 5AM in Toronto accoring to Drake?

Standing around, barley moving, while having a smoke and a drink. Moththerfucker, I call this break time for the kitchen crew at Denny's. Not hip hop shit. This is every bus stop in Philly ALL THE TIME. Fucking drunks freezing and smoking while waiting for nothing to happen. #philly #allday


So real.

This is just normal shit. And those two dudes in the background. How much did you have to pay them to get up at five in the fucking moring to stand around while you rap. You all look tired. "Just get some sleep and we'll pick this up later" - what the director should have said, but the director was clearly Drake's mom.

Things get exciting when Drake decides to walk across a parking lot and enter a building! WOW! Amazing visual. Give that director all the MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS. In fact, cancel the mtv awards, this video just won them all.  So where is Drake going? Is he on grill? "Break's over, deadbeat, clean the tables. Oh, and breaks are only ten minutes Jimmy Brooks." - Denny's manager.

Oh. Now the video cuts and we're following someone inside a club. It's so sick in there. What do we see? Bar. Bikini. Smoke. Stupid hat. What a cool place. Toronto.

See the background in that picture? It's a beach volleyball court. Because Toronto is known for its beach volleyball. Nothing else happens in the video or in Toronto. Drake Raps at a tea table while four girls stand around looking cold and tired in the Volleyball pit. Then the power goes out and they break out the flashlights.

Thanks for showing the world Toronto's famous unreliable power grid. Fuck it. Then Drake leaves the volleyball beach party alone (well, with his boys). Sad.

"Volleyball" is one word. All Canadians are stupid.

Done. So let's review how Drake represented Toronto: Looking tired as hell. Standing in a cold parking lot looking lonley. Showing a pretty shitty and normal bar. Showing the saddest beach "volley ball" that the world has ever known. Suffering through a brown out. And showing that Canadians can't spell and are stupid. Perfect video Drake, you make my job easy.  you're basically making fun of yourself and your horrible city for me. Easy street. I wrote this in less than a minute. I have time to go out in a real city and get mugged by real hooligans, none of that watered down Toronto shit.

You know the stupidest thing about this video? I didn't give a shit what Drake was rapping about. Not because of the video (which was dumb), and not because of the beat (which was dumber, except at the end when the break drops), but because his raps were uninteresting. How is this shit a hit song? How does this deserve a video? You can do better than this Drake. Canada can do better. We can all do better. Give me my 3:37 back, jackass.

5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (song)
5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (actually being there)

Visit one of Canada's two shit holes*: Toronto
*the other one is Vancouver

"Can't Truss It" + A Chat

Hi guys. Dag here.  I just want to chat at you for a second about mother fucking spring break which we are taking for the next week or so even though I don't go to school and my grandkids are homeschooled (so no posts). Whatever. Let's chat.

Dag Diligent: Yo. yo. yo.
Readers: Yo!
DD: What's clappin' choads?
R: Not much, how are you.
DD: Well, friends, I've had it. 1hunna.
R: It looks like you need that spring break.
DD: Yeh. Fuck, I'm ready to quit this whole shit.
R: Wha?? What will happen to everyone's favoirite blog? With all the venom and music that nobody careas about and the comments that don't get published.
DD: I'll retire that shit. All of it.
DD: And I don't publish comments (usually) because fuck if I'm going to read that mess. It's like 75% spam, 2% real comments.
R: What's the rest?
DD: How should I know? I said I don't read it.
R: But why? Why quit?
DD: Have you fucking heard Macklemore? That's enought right there, but there is so much more bullshit. French Montana and that guy...Rick Ross. The fucking prision guard. Are you kidding me?
R: I don't think you understand Macklemore.
DD: You're right. Fuck him.
DD: But it's not only that. On the other end we have all these terrible kids who suck at everyhting except biting.
R: You've said all this stuff like a million times before.
DD: I know. That's why I want to quit.
DD: Shut 'em down.
DD: Public Enemy
R: Well, I - - -
DD: I'm just going to cut you off right there and take some medicine in the form of Public Enemy. Ease my suffering.





CAN'T TRUSS IT SCORE 10/10

Rampage "Flipmode iz da Squad"

Drop it! Ladies and gentlemen. Yo. Yo! YO! Remember Rampage? No. He had an album in like 1998? Besties with Busta Rhymes? Founding Member of the Flipmode Squad. Still no. Shit.

Well, kids, sometimes you might hear old timers talk about the Flipmode Squad (or even Busta Rhymes) with reverence and you're like "nah". Well, believe it or not, they had some decent shit. Even some classic shit. This song is their best work, and it was buried on Rampage's generally weak album. But fuck, I bought "Scout's Honor... by Way of Blood" when it came out and I thought it was worth it for this track. It's a crew track where everybody brings heat for almost seven minutes. Everyone kills it. You'll have to see for yourself.

 If your song name boasts how good your crew is, the fucking song had better be dope. This song title boasts that Flipmode is THE squad, and then backs it up on so many levels. Let's check the track first.

That beat is insane. Honestly one of the best beats ever. So ill. Shout to the Electric Prunes (look it up).

So the MC's are Rampage, Serious (who?), Spliff Star, Busta Rhymes, and Lord Have Mercy. Everyone steps up, Busta goes too long and Lord Have Mercy and Serious have a crazy voices. That's their thing. And where in the fuck is the best rapper in the crew Rah Digga? How can you have a Flipmode posse cut and not have your best spitter? That's like going to see the Heat and the LeBron is not playing.

I wonder if Rah was anywhere on Rampage's crap album? Nope. No wonder it sucked.

FLIPMODE IZ DA SQUAD SCORE 10/10

Coma Niddy "Antimatter Rap"

Good morning readers. You might think this is a normal Thursday Tortoise General update, but, in fact, it is abnormal. Why? Well, first, it's a Monday, and second, we're going in on fucking science nerds who think they can rap (again). In hindsight, this is an exactly normal post because I hate rap that tries to teach and I hate wack shit and I write about it a lot.

This is from Coma Niddy university. And HOLY SHIT #1 that's not a college (I looked it up) and #2 it's an idiot who thinks he's a university. Would you shitty college rappers just back off with your rapping. Listen, we get it, you pay a lot of money for a degree and you think that the degree means that your smarter and better than everyone else. Well your not.

COLLEGE GRADUATES ARE PIGS AND ALSO GET A LIFE 

You suck at rap. You suck at life. You don't have the right to teach me shit. I don't give a fat fuck regarding whatever the fuck this video is about. I hate the topic. FUCK U.




OH. Thank heaven you enlightened me about this very important concept that I will apply to my everyday life! Just joking. I hate it. Here is a fake conversation that uses the lyrics to this sorry song:


Tortoise General: Hi Coma, how are you today?
Coma Niddy: Great!
TG: I see we're meeting in a library, that fantastic. When I was younger I did lines off of the copier.
CN: HAHAH! You cray.
TG: When I was ten minutes younger...I just finished actually. Do I seem fucked up to you?
CN: . . .
TG: Whatever. I hate your fucking pretentious song. Why do you think people want to learn useless shit?
CN: Dude, haven't you ever wondered what e=mc^2 really means?
TG: No. I have to work a double shift at the blog mill to feed my children. Einstein doesn't pay my billz.
CN: Come on. Science is fascinating. Just think about that number I mentioned: 90,000,000,000,000,000. It's amazing.
TG: Fuuccck. It's just bullshit. It doesn't mean anything. That number is how bullshit it is.
CN: It's so confusing, but it's so beautiful. You know, scientists have been making antimatter for years. That's just amazing.
TG: You know what's amazing? My friend's sister was killed by her alcoholic boyfriend.
CN: That's not amazing. It's terrible, and incredibly sad, and irrelevant.
TG: No, the amazing part is that he was on parole. He had been in prision for a previous assult that had to do with his drinking. He had a history of that shit. She wanted to move out but she couldn't get a job that paid enough and she was too embarassed to ask for help. All you fuckers go on and on about antimatter and all that science trash and meanwhile people like her are fucked by the broken system you a-holes created with all your social science. My grandmother boiled saltines in tap water and called it soup because she couldn't afford to buy food.  Fuck you and fuck your electrons.
CN: I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I've got other things to do. Thank you for watching my rap video.
TG: Where's that copier?

IN CONCLUSION: Eat glass.

ANTIMATTER RAP SCORE 0/10

DJ Honda + Jeru tha Damaja "El Presidente" Video Review

Today we're going to review the video for a little known Jeru the Damaja song from 2000 called "El Presidente". 2000! That's almost Jeru's heyday.

Before we start I want to be very clear: we highly respect Mr. Damaja around here and refuse to shit on his work. He's a legend. He's also very good at Twitter:

Hoover Damaja instagr.am/p/Jdi3RmkNJU/

— Jeru The Damaja (@Jeruthedamaja) April 16, 2012

HAHAH? Anyway. The song is illy even though I'm not much of a DJ Honda fan. Enjoy the track, then we'll examine the weird ass video...






Well, the first thing that I notice is that this is from DJ Honda Films. The powerhouse of Hollywood.

Next we see Jeru, dressed in his traditional sun touching gear: camo. Perfect. Plus the minds at DJ Honda films decided to go innovative and have the video take place under a bridge. Very industrial. Nothing surprising at all here. This is grade A generic. Why in the hell are they under that bridge? Was it the only parking available? "Yo Son, Joy Garden is having a coupon or some shit, we had to park way over on Newport and hoof it. It's mad dank and musty under here." - Jeru (probably).

Then we have the normal street corner "club" set up with lots of logos and not many people in the crowd. Remember when Public Enemy had a street concert and the shit was packed? Look at this: Are they just rehearsing?

DJ Honda: 8 People Max

PE: Loads of people

I guess it's to be expected. Who's heard of DJ Honda anyway? Nobody. Get ya crowdz up.

Then it's a lot of normal spittin' in the street. That's pretty much the deal with rap videos, right? 

Now, Jeru's hat isn't normal for videos, but there it is. And everything else: par for the course.

Then we finally get something new, and it ties into the El Presidente theme! Jeru is making a political speech...at a podium and everything. So professional.

Looky...he's got guards (hey ladies) and everything. A guy (secret service) is even talking on a walkie talkie!

There is a lot more rapping, then Presidente Damaja orders his Secretary of Wax to play in traffic (literally)!

"GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU DARN PUNKS, I'LL...oh, Mr. Presidente....I didn't realize..." Then DJ Honda is riding around the city in a stretched Navigator limo. He's poppin' bottles, and scratching records on his guard's lap.

Now that's a party? Then, suddenly, Jeru is in the limo with a lady. Where's ya turntable, lady? Also, what happened to Honda? Was he carjacked? Was the limo commandeered for official presidential business? Is this a different limo?

Jeru is in the limo for for exactly one second, then it cuts to Presidente Damaja taking a lady, uh, "upstairs". She drops rose pedals on him while he raps.


So romantic


Then he's back at the limo, then he's back at the podium, then he's back in the hotel. Presidente, you scad. But wait. Suddenly, flower pedal lady assassinates Jeru while DJ Honda watches. WHAT? I thought you two were bros. I thought Jeru and that lady were truly in love. Now this. WHAT A SHOCKING TWIST.

Was DJ Honda was against you all along Jeru? Maybe because you made him spin in traffic? Or because you didn't pack out that block party? OR MAYBE BECASUE YOU JACKED HIS LIMO? I don't know! Is Jeru dead? Nope. He's at the podium. BUT NOW HIS GUARDS GET A MESSAGE ON THEIR EARBUDS (not Air Bud). They are probably being told that Jeru just got assassinated in the previous scene.

What is going on? Is someone else going to assassinate him? I'll hand it to these guys, when Honda and Jeru get together anything could happen (like one of them gets stabbed).

What might happen? Where is this all going? Well, if you guessed that Jeru would smoke a cigar with the guy who just watched him get stabbed, you were right! Have a cigar!
 

UH. Did he try to kill you or not?

Then there is more rapping and DJing. Specifically, more backseat DJing.

"Is that the Statue of Liberty?"   --or--
"I have to figure this DJing thing out before I get to Jeru's house"

Then there is a shit ton of scratching. And finally Jeru's guards just wander off. A perfect fitting end to a perfect nonsensical video.

Uh, ladies, where are you going?

IN CONCLUSION: Jeru comes correct, but that video was shit.

EL PRESIDENTE SONG 8/10
EL PRESIDENTE VIDEO 3/10

Jeru tha Damaja "Scientifical Madness"

There's a hole in the ozone layer
I'm dippin vampires
You think I give a fuck who's the biggest player?
Or who got the fattest bank roll?

What be it if a man gains the world and lose his own soul?

And with that one line I was permanently a Jeru fan:

You think I give a fuck who's the biggest player?

Shit. It's Monday. Let's start the week off right with a little Scientifical Madness...



You know the drill. Primo on the beat (which is dope is hell, but it sounds like something got stuck in the soundboard). Jeru killz the whole shit. I can't expand on the math Jeru drops, so I'll just let him speak for himself.

Warlocks keep the covenant
And the souls of the ignorant ones empower it
It's transparent
You see Uncle Sam as your parent
When America has beef you jump up to defend it
But you can still be a defendant

Shhiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt.

SCIENTIFICAL MADNESS SCORE 10/10

Flo Rida "Wild Ones"

HAAHAH! I'm Reloaded. Florida.

So we've been watching a shit ton of that cooking show with that loud mouth Scottish dude. No, not Jason Statham, I mean Gordon Ramsay...you know the guy with all the profanity and all the ramping it up for TV. Him.

What does that have to do with your favorite rapper Flo Rida? Nothing. Except that I'm going to make this review food based and I'll call Flo Rida "Chef" maybe? Or maybe just Flo? Mr. Rida? Chef Rida? Florida? It don't matter. Food. Let's cook!

So...Let's say that Mr. Rida is a new flavor of pop tart. Right? I would never eat a pop tart. Ever. They are full of sugar and sodium and have like a thousand ingredients. Yuck. Plus they taste like garbage and belong in the garbage (or the sewer (uneaten)). So gross. "But when they are hot, they're delicious!" - teens (playin' 360 and drankin' Pepsi). No, they're not delicious, they're a disgusting piece of cardboard, filled with "cherry" petroleum jelly, sprayed with antifreeze, and brought to a temperature that can put you in the ICU. Flo Rida is that.  

Wild Ones, now made with "Real Fruit"

Teens live for it. I've haven't eaten a Pop Tart for many years, and I actively avoid them. I don't even know what they taste like. Similarly, I haven't heard a Flo Rida song at all (I think), and I don't know what they taste sound like (either). I'm sure it's like that Three 6 Mafia song I just checked out (trash).

Now, let's find out. Chef Rida, set the table:




What? Chef Rida makes potatoes like that? Sour cream, chives, and lots of gross pop singing? This is way more poppy than I thought it would be. I honestly thought I had the wrong song when it started. It's like a shit "rap" song they put in blockbuster movies. So smooth. Preteens, your dinner is served. Enjoy all that terrible singing

Is this really the song? I still kind of don't believe it. Did I get the wrong version. It's like a dance song from so many years ago. LMFAO? I thought Flo Rida was a rapper? Is this rap? My mind is scrambled like eggs (we're still doing that cooking show thing).

Well, I can't review this. It's not music. It's pure marketing or something. Pure fluff. No substance. Pizza without the crust or the sauce (or the topings). It's just the box. An empty box.

That beat is the most basic, generic, flem, bronchitis, dance, pop, throat cancer, awful, nightmare ever. It's like those ASPCA commercials where they show all the dogs that are abused and your like "daaaaammmmmnnnnn". Those dogs are how I look after I heard this beat + singing + "rapping". Fuck. Just put me in a cage then put me the fuck out of my misery. Or maybe I could get adopted by Masta Ace and not be exposed to this shit anymore.

IN CONCLUSION: I'm not a wild one, and I do not like wild ones. Grow the fuck up. Get a job. Quit party rocking and make something of yourself. There is more to life than ruining it by not sleeping, getting wasted, getting prego, making trash music. In fact, Flo Rida, your stupid name (which is the worst ever, btw) reminds me of orange juice, get a job at a fucking breakfast bar making eggs to order and pouring juice. Cook, you fool. Quit infecting us with you waste-water talent "music". Your music is a couch left outside in the city that gets rained on, starts stinking, gets used as a toilet (by homeless, duh), and then some clubber passes out on it because they're so drunk and tired from listening to this shit music and dancing all night. Then their face is pressed against the soiled couch all night and they get some kind of face rash. That is "Wild Ones" by Flo Rida. Face rash.

Your goose is cooked, Rida. You got served. Uh, supersized.

WILD ONES SCORE 0/10

Krazy Legs "Us the Teens"

Hi folks, Dag here. Valentine's Day is coming up quick, so you better go  out and get your lady some strawberry Qream Liqueur right away! She's a beautiful, independent, and sophisticated lady of today right? RIGHT? No?

We'll as most of you know I'm a bachelor with no prospects, so Valentine's Day is dead to me. It's soggy bread (like #yourmom). So I'm going to celebrate by listening to a song by everybody's favorite northerner Krazy Legz and his #1 hit song "Us The Teens"  featuring OZ. Trust me...you're not ready for this. Go ahead and skip on down to track #14.

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Okay. Mobb Deep Beat. Dope. What a great choice. Let's revisit the masters at work with their chorus:

"Yo! It's hell on Earth. Who's next, or going to be first. The projects is front lines - and the enemy is one time. I ain't gotta tell you, yo, it's right in front og your eyes."

Now let's see what Krazy Legs and Oz are spitting.

"So many teens . . . tryin'a  keep their dreams. . . be-cuz . . . we're the proof for you got the truth for ya"

"YEAAAAH" - Lil' Jon. Are you kidding me fucking OZ? Why is your voice like that? So timid. Teens and dreams? Hahaha. Listen, nobody cares about teens or their dumb ass dreams. "I want 2b Eminem" - every teen. Why not dream about having confidence when you rap?

The first verse by old Krazy Legs is the worst and the same as every verse on every mixtape from the awful northern states (WA, ID, MT and now Minnesota). Something about his parent's not asking him how his day is going. Hey, Krazy Legs, why in the hell would your parents want to ask you anything?

Mrs. Legs - "Honey, how was your day."
Krazy - "Rappin' all day, you wouldn't understand"
Mrs. Legs - "Try me, mister, maybe over this hot cocoa I made for you."
Krazy - "Everyone's callin me names. And UR dissin' me everyday about my wayz. Wishin' one day I could change. I sit all alone and pray for better days. Ur always fighting so u don't notice me cryin' all day. . . people take one glimpse at me and look away. I'm never  givin' the chance or time of day. And..."
Mrs. Legs - "Eh, I have to go...I have something in the oven...I think your father's home and we really need to fight...so you just sit here and maybe get into sports? Find a hobby that suits you besides that rapping you're so bad at. And stop hanging out with OZ, maybe? He's an idiot...good talk"
Krazy - "What about the cocoa? Mom?"
**door closes quietly**

Fuck. What a sappy verse. Now for Oz, the worst rapper on the song.  I'll publish his whole lyrics, but try to imagine this shit rapped out of breath and with lots of awkward pauses.

"Here...let me ask you something have you...
seen a grown man cry?*
...or say that he wishes he could fly...
as a angel in the sky...
or his child just died
deep inside
Cuz his parents took his pride have you looked inside
to see ... all ... that you can ... see
on the outside ... and you would see
if you could see
that I'm dying slow...dying to go.
So what are you going to do
when you wake up and walk through
by bedroom door to see me lying on the floor
I'm no longer here
and it'll be all because of you
mastubeckutations
your questions your investigations
ask whats wrong
why'd it take you so long to do this and do that
most of them answers you knew that
just jealous of everything you wish to be"

*Yes, when I seen a man die.

Great verse! Sarcasmo! The worst verse, more like it. Oz, dude, I can honestly say that I've never seen a grown man all that upset about his parents. Sue me. Lot's of sorry teens who think they're grown, but no grown men. Grown men handle biz son and don't make weak raps. To your point though, Oz: fucking parents. Who needs 'em? Asking you questions and shit...caring about you and shit...what a bunch of BS.

IN CONCLUSION: Clearly, for you to end up making this song, your parents suck. Real talk. So let me coach you. Man up. Quit the crybaby nonsense and grow a pair. Do something with your life. No girls want to be around sorry losers with no confidence. Actually, nobody wants to be around people like that. And your parents. Shit. Everybody has them and everybody gets hassled by them. They're just people and they screw up too but they've got to ask you questions and get on your case. It's their job, dumbass. Just stop.  Also stop rapping. Start doing good in school so that you can get a good job someday.

US THE TEENS SCORE 0/10

Driicky Graham "Snapbacks & Tattoos"

Can you believe that we've been around for twenty-five years and we haven't reviewed a Driicky Graham song yet? No. FUCK YOU. We haven't. In fact, we haven't reviewed a classic Snapback song since the Stack Boys. We're slackin' on the snapbackin', sonny.

If you don't know, Driicky Graham is an eleven year old North Carolina native who is bitter rivals with both T.I. and AZ because they both just use letters for their names. That's 100% true, look it up on your search engine.

Anyway, if there is one thing I like it's Snapbacks because they just look so nice for any occasion. Riding with your mom to BK, buying Halo 3 used at the pawn shop, or even skipping out on synagogue cuz it's so boring (#YOLO), the snapback is the preferred look if you want to make a statement (that you're a dunce bag club poppler).

And Tattoos. So cool. Just get a ton of them and you'll never regret it. Ever. And if you want to upgrade just tattoo over that shit. Boom. A mom heart easily becomes a dragon. A tribal easily becomes a dragon. An owl (for the ladies) easily becomes a dragon. Why would you not have a tattoo?

OH SHIT! What about a tattoo of a snapback? Perfect. If that isn't in this video I'm going to shit on it with a "0/10" score, because a smart artist like Driicky Graham should have definitely thought of that before.

What else? Oh, I've never heard of this guy before, and I would never listen to this song except to kick the shit out of it in a review. Let's listen/watch.



Snapbacks and tattoos
Penelope and Tom Cruise
sick grab the tissues
NyQuils®and DayQuils®
Go to the hospital
Roll on ya stretcha
Holla at the ladies
Caught up in traction

HAHAHA. I still haven't listened to it. I was just doing some B.S.. #sorry. I'll listen to it now.

ME

Eeeee. Yikes. Absolutely nothing new here. Except maybe a stupid way about singing about tattoos. Hats. Cars. Girls. Money. Repeat. Driicky let's me know that I'm now in Swag School. Dude, don't you know I dropped out of school and I'll continue to drop out of all schools.

cool?

 So, Driicky. Can I call you Driicky? Let me get this straight. You say:

"Snapbacks and tattoos. Nice whips, fly chicks, all that, because cash rules."

How exactly is cash ruling connected to Tattoos? I don't understand the connection. Costco Connection? Explain. Explain why your raps suck. You say nothing new at all. Shit, this is just nonsense. Just like that little rap I wrote before. Fuck. Just listing things you like (that everyone likes (honestly)) then you just say things that are in every mixtape ever. So stupid.

IN CONCLUSION: Look, this is pretty basic. No tattoo of a snapback = no points.

SNAPBACKS & TATTOOS SCORE 0/10

tat #swag where ur snapback at