Track Check: CookieMonsta "IDAHO"

The reality of this post is worse...

We may as well keep on reviewing rap from Idaho because who else is doing that? Maybe we'll find a good track! Today we're going to check out the Idaho anthem "IDAHO" by CookieMonsta. Why not?


LET'S GET IT....


First of all, what in the hot hell kind of name is CookieMonsta? Oh, I can answer that: it's a stupid name. Really stupid. The stupidest? Are you sure you're not from Washington State CookieMonsta? I'm starting to suspect.... Actually, were are you from? Idaho Falls? Let's check the map:

Hahahaha!

DAMMIT! That's right next to Wyoming and Montana. We're not going to hear good music from here. At least it's a "big city", 130k in the entire "metro" area. Yeah, that'll help. I see that hip hop has officially made it to places that it doesn't belong. Listen, Idaho Falls, rap isn't a good fit for your community. I don't know what kind of music you listen to, but stick with that.  Church music or atheist music or whatever. I don't know. Please leave rapping to people who have things to worry about besides corn futures. Or else get mad creative...like blow every one's mind in the world with your awesome beats and rhymes.


Things are looking way down...let's just do the stupid song:


let's get it.



ZzzzzZZZZZzzzzz. That's about the most generic cut and paste rap song I've ever heard. Plus you sound mad timid on your hook, you know, the hook where you say "Idaho" like you're falling asleep. That's your HOME, you don't weakly say that shit with your mouth, that shit is in your heart. I would be pumping that shit up. If I were to say "IDAHO" and I was from there, it would hurt other people and make them scared. Twerk that. Let's check the weaky weakers chorus:

"I'm from...Idaho / I'm from...Idaho
I'm from...Idaho / I'm from...Idaho"

That's neat. Let's try that chorus with a different state and see if it works:

"I'm from...Georgia/ I'm from...Georgia
I'm from...Georgia/ I'm from Georgia"

Well, I'll be. It works the same way and is just as boring with any state. Innovate that mess.

Next? Sigh. Some boasting about being "country", something about "stayin' blown", "Bud Light", "Jungle Juice". Bragging about getting ladies, something, something. HAHAHA. He brags about representing the "208" which is the same area code that Benji has on the other side of the state! Now that's non-specific representing! Yo! Philly has like eight area codes in the metro area. HAHAHAH!

I think I'm half way through the song. Let's see, they get up early in the morning HAHAH. That's a sucka move. Then this:

"I-D-A-HO depending on how my day go

I stay in and lay low or hit the road with that tre-four"

Hahah! No you don't. Wow. The description of the East Idaho ladies is just amazing and gross. Ladies! Gross Ladies! Whew, that's it. The song SUCKS and so does the STATE. Get me outta here.

IDAHO Score 0/10 (song and state)

Stay Cool?

Okay, maybe we neet to post up some examples of how this should be done. Let's go with Philadelphia, PA (the Tort Team's home). Maybe we can find some decent songs about that place:

 

That's how it's done Idaho, even if you're not from Philly you can see that Jakk Frost is proud of his city and he shows you why it's a good place. Lot's of love and respect in this song. So, Idaho, get back to workin' the land and stay off the mic.

Track Checker: Benji "Life is a Struggle"



Put a shirt on already.



It seems like 2012 has been the year of Washington State Rap here at the Tortoise General Blog. We know this is not a good thing. In fact, it's a terrible thing, but what are we gonna do? Change? We can't change. We're here now. I HATE Washington State Rap, so let's try and change. Obama! Today we're going to move east and try to clean things up around here. At least we've got to get out of Washington. So let's go east all the way to Idaho and see what rap is looking like out there. It's gotta be better than Washington right?


So let's start with a rapper named Benji from Lewiston, Idaho. Where? You know LEWISTON. Middle of nowhere. Population 30,000. The main tourist attraction is literally a hill. That place.

So while I'm getting started and gathering information, I'm experiencing something new here as a reviewer...something I don't understand: I'm feeling pity. I don't really want to write a negative review. I haven't heard Benji's music yet, but after looking at his photo and then seeing what city and state he represents, I'm feeling a little depressed. What the fuck can a kid do in Lewiston, Idaho for money? For a career? I mean, there isn't even a highway. Holy shit. I mean, a lot of people have shitty futures where I came up, but at least there were millions of other people near me and we have a lot of highways. What are the jobs in Lewiston?  Agriculture, paper, and timber. And let me add as a guess: Walmart & fast food. Great. Ugh. Hey! You're screwed Benji!

Before we listen to Life is a Struggle I'm going to go ahead and guess that this song is going to suck. Sure, Benji probably has real struggles, but I can't imagine his rhyme game is all that together. He probably hasn't put in the required work. Plus, there's a big difference in artistic output between someone who struggles with his job as  a farmer and someone who is worried about getting shot constantly because they live in the worst imaginable conditions. It is a completely different thing. I'm not saying that someone from Lewiston, Idaho can't rap about the struggles that he is facing, but I am saying that he better be mad creative about it and INNOVATE. Impress. You gotta bring ill rhymes, a new perspective, and you gotta be mad clever son. I don't want to hear your version of New York hip hop, I want to hear dope shit.

So let's go...(you'll have to scroll to it!)...

Oh brother. Dude. I mean, DUDE? What is that? Is the beat stole? Who knows?

I guessed it, the rhymes are awful right from the jump:

"I gotta keep tryin' / stop that cryin'

Live strong 'til you be dyin'

and I be supplyin'/ helpin' all the kids who like fryin'"

It goes on and on like that...for FOUR MINUTES. DUDE you should have never been cryin'. Geez. But not only are the rhymes dumb, the logic is confusing. Late in the song Benji delivers this line:

"I would write a song about my father / he don't deserve more than one line"

Okay, got it. That's crystal clear. Less than one line. Except that the next five lines (at least) are about your father. Say wha? Did you forget already?

And it gets worse, the next portion of the song is dedicated to resolving the conflict between the Bloods and the Crips, which I'm sure are a big problem on the potato farm.

"I ain't no Blood, and I ain't no Crip.

How about we start off and share our perspectives

and then we can kick another puff to help that stressin'" 

Boom! Problem solved. Benji, you should go to California and just get that whole gang situation sorted out. It's a mess down there. Start the perspective sharing, now....WAIT, someone on my staff is telling me that Benji isn't talking about solving the gang problem in those lines, he's just talking about how he can solve some of his personal disputes. OKAY! REALLY? I hope not because that's worse and dumber. Yo! You can't talk shit for an ENTIRE SONG and make a ton of (empty) threats and then talk about problem solving by sharing perspectives. GOOD GRIEF. It's no wonder Idaho hasn't made an impact on the national level: you suck (yeah, the pity is completely gone).

So, the song ends with this:

"That's the end of my song

and one day, my hope's that ya'll be singing along"

Yeah. We'll do that Benji, let's just try that now with the rest of your lyrics on this song...EVERYBODY SING:

"Reppin' the Two-Oh-Eight!

Yeah! Idaho State!

You better not hate!

Yeeeeaaahhh!

It' done."

That WAS nice...and such memorable lyrics! Plus, dream-come-true time for you, right? We all sang together. It was beautiful...probably not as beautiful as your town's hill, but still...it was something.

In Conclusion: Benji may be bad at rapping and may not have the best future lined up, but we were able to help him out make-a-wish style. Also, Idaho sucks at rap but it's not as bad as Washington State, and, uh, Benji: step your game up and MOVE AWAY FROM IDAHO...DON'T GO TO WASHINGTON THOUGH. Maybe Utah? I don't know. Whatever. Get a job as an orthodontist or something. Get the paper on a non-rap career path, you might actually be good at not rapping! IDAHO!

Life is a Struggle Score 0/10 

Put some clothes on, Jeez! And What are you doing out there?