Hip Hop: Australia

What time is it Australia?

If you’ve read this blog at all you know that we hate hip hop that is not from North America (not including Canada). Why? It’s terrible. It sounds bad. It’s full of posing and fronting. It’s just bad. Apparently nobody on our giant planet knows how to make proper hip hop music.

So we had a company meeting and I understand that we are being awfully shallow and narrow about this, so we’ll go ahead and give international hip hop another chance. I’m open to the possibility that somewhere out there someone is making good music. So let’s start by taking a look at a country that is kind of like America: Australia. I’ve already encountered one rapper from the ‘Stralia: RAED. He is easily the worst rapper that I have ever heard, but I understand that everyone knows he stinks. Let’s see some real hip hop. What does Australia really have to offer?

So how do we see what Australia is producing in terms of hip hop. Well, they have a music award called the ARIA Awards (which somehow stands for Australian Recording Industry Association Music Awards). This is the largest award that an Australian artist can receive. Plus, it is voted on by the people of the country, so the people of Australia will tell me who the best Australian rappers are in their “Urban Music” category! Perfect! Let’s go…

So here are the nominees:

• Drapht “The Life Of Riley”
• Illy “The Chase”
• Koolism “The Umu”
• Phrase “Babylon”
• Vents “Marked For Death”

I haven't heard of any of these. Drapht won (if you were wondering), but we'll go ahead and look at everyone. Let’s get to it and get our feet wet with the Vents and their hit song “Marked for Death” from the album of the same name.

The Vents “Marked for Death” 

The track starts with some samples of Rakim and Biggie. Why not? Aren’t there any Australian rappers you could sample (nope). Then a really dumb beat kicks in, but it has nothing on the terrible rapping. Wow. Look how political the Vents are. Look how subversive the Vents are. Please keep opening our eyes to the injustice of the world Vents. This is the most straightforward conscious rap that I’ve ever heard. The vents directly tackle sweatshops (opposed to), uh, colonization (opposed), child labor (opposed), pollution (opposed), making “jamming” records (in favor of), tobacco (opposed), Israel (opposed), crack (opposed, I guess), police (opposed), oppression of women (in favor of), uh, religion (opposed, I guess). So that was fun and very subtle! I love lyrics that are so simple that I can just be hit over the head with them. You’re doing this exactly right! Another party jam? The Vents: YOU’RE THE WORST.

Phrase “Apart” from the album Babylon

OH BROTHER. You’ll know this song is the worst from the first “Yeeeeaaaahahhhh!!!!”. Actually, you’ll probably be tipped off by the awful music that sounds like something Beck would barf up. This isn’t rap. It’s like when Bono or someone decides to do a rap during a live performance of “With or Without You”. How is this in the “Urban” music category? This should be in the “Waste of bandwidth” category. And it should win that.

Koolism “Jam Hot” from The Umu

Well I think we’ve found the Australian version of  LMFAO. I’ll tell you what, that first song on this list (that I hated) is looking better and better. The beat sounds like a Casio Keyboard set to “Bass Breakdown” and the rapping sounds like if a class of middle schoolers got together and made a rap for an economics class. “But they don’t mention economics!” – you. Of course they don’t and neither would middle schoolers, they would just talk about afterparties and whatever other inane nonsense popped into their heads. This song is another turkey….SHOOT IT.

Illy “The Chase”

Two songs left. This one can’t be any worse than the last three, right? That’s what I thought, and then I heard the unsurprising piano beat. It sounds like a zany soap commercial. I want to quit this post, I should just walk away. But I can get through it, right? I mean this song might have more to offer...the rapping might be good. Sigh. Nope. It sounds like the Black Eyed Peas without Fergie. What a disappointment. Is this seriously the best you have to offer Australia? If so, this is not very good. Your country should retire from rap. Just throw in the towel. Start collecting retirement. You didn’t earn it with this trash, but we can’t let you just live in poverty eating stale bread or whatever the impoverished and untalented elderly do. I don’t know. Just stop with the rap.

Well folks, this is our last chance. Australia’s last chance to impress a first-rate American hip hop blog. Good luck. Fortunately you’re putting up your “Urban Music” champion for me to evaluate. You established that this is the best of the best you have to offer, and in doing so you also established that the other songs I’ve looked at here aren’t as good. This is Jay-Z level for Australia. WE CAN’T WAIT.

Drapht “Sing It (The Life of Riley)" from The Life of Riley

Latest tracks by Drapht

I have a big red button on my desk. If I push it I get ejected through the ceiling and into space or into the parking lot or something. It’s very powerful. I had it installed just in case I came across a post that was so hopeless that I couldn’t finish.  Music so bad that I couldn’t take it. Deep despair and hopelessness……So I know you’re wondering if I’m going to press that MFer. I didn’t. It got automatically engaged by my computer when five horrible songs were played in a row. It’s a failsafe to make sure that I don’t suffer any kind of brain injury from terrible music. I’m writing this sentence as I float safely to earth in a silent ejection pod. All I can say is that Drapht must have been really bad for the safety to kick in.

In summary: Australia is terrible at rap. I mean worse than Europe (probably), and definitely worse than Canada. I would go so far as to say that Austraila has the worst at rap on Earth. So avoid Austrailan hip hop at all costs. You won’t be missing anything at all.

Australia Score 0/10

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Soldjasoulz "Soldjasoulz"

Official UK Mic Wreckerz

Every American without exception agrees that hip hop from other countries is just trash garbage. I mean, ha hahaha, seriously Italy? Seriously Australia? Hahaha! Ninety percent of American hip hop is trash and someone from another country thinks that they can rap good! HAHAHAH! WRONG! YOU ARE WRONG. Hey, everyone but America*: STOP TRYING. YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT RAPPING! Seriously, focus on the style of music from your own country and do good at that. I know you hear that hip hop is worldwide and universal (and it is), but when we say that we mean AMERICAN HIP HOP IS WORLDWIDE, DUH.

*Maybe Mexico and some islands in the Caribbean are okay.

So now that that’s out of the way, let’s look at some British hip hop, HAHAHAHA! I’ll tell you right now that the accents are going to be an issue. Not because I can’t understand them (I can’t), but because it sounds weird and not tough. So, we’re reviewing Soldjasoulz’s self titled British album or mixtape or whatever they call it.

I already have two serious issues and they both involve the cover of the album, more specifically: my issues are with these guy's heads and what is on top of their heads. One guy is wearing a very weird New York Yankees cap. Why? The Yankees don't play in Bristol! Represent your own city or whatever. Wear a Leeds cap or something. Maybe a Bowler. The Yankees hat is disrespectful to whatever hamlet you represent and also leave the American hats to Americans (and Puerto Ricans). Ya dig? Speaking of disrespecting your hometown, the other guy's hair looks like a costume. “Hey, Edward we’re going to need a picture for the album cover, make sure you don’t get a haircut for two years and try to look gross”. “Aye, Governor!”

Well, let’s get to the music chaps…

1. New Danger Remix

It figures that the boys would start with some weird French fugue or something like that. Europeans always stick together! So the first guy rapping sounds like a preteen and also sounds timid. But what is he shyly saying? Oh, something about breaking in to Jay-Z’s house and taking his Blueprints. DUMB. Jay-Z lives in a different country than you. He goes on and on about pink t-shirts and trainers (what else would you expect from Europeans?). Then the other guy comes in and now we have a big problem. The question right away is this: can a voice have too much echo? Yes, of course there is such a thing as too much echo. But for these guys the answers is “most definitely not”…MORE ECHO. Let’s echo the shit out of the voice to the point that it cannot be understood. Why not? Not-not-not-why-not-not-why-not-not-why (that was an echo, fyi). This song is the worst worst worst worst worst worst worst worst worst (that was not an echo, it was a honest estimation of how 'worst' this song is.).


2. Joke’s on YOU

An oddly appropriate title for anyone listening to this and expecting something good. Everything about this song is awful. And you know what, I felt a deep anger when I heard that they had sampled the RZA's laugh from After the Laughter: "He ran but he didn't get far, cuz I dropped 'em - Ah haha hahaha ha". Please, please, PLEASE don't sample good music fellas, okay. The echo game is stepped up AGAIN.

3. Run Dis Stings
Now that's a British song title if I ever saw one! So the beat is okay I guess. Now this is going to be really obscure but I'll go there anyway because who cares. I'm a big fan of OGC (of the Boot Camp Clik), I've bought all of their albums and I noticed a significant change in the production style between their first album and second album. Things went from grimy and rugged to slick and overproduced (and orchestral) and that hurt their overall sound. This is a common trend that has impacted many other artists as well (even the Wu, rugged at first, slick production later). I would guess that it has to do with the adoption of new technology or whatev's. Anyway, I'm not a fan of the clean sound that a lot of rappers have adopted, that's what I'm trying to say. Well, this song is exactly what I'm talking about. The violin fuled beat is a hollow echo of real hip hop. It sounds terrible. Soldhasoulz, you're trying too hard. Quit using a computer for production and QUIT TRYING TO SOUND LIKE YOUR HEROES. Other than that, do I really need to say that the lyrics are indechiperable trash? No? Good, let's move on.

4. Now Shush
Ohhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeah! This song breaks out the gate hardcore, and GOOD GRIEF it's hard to believe that this is a song from the 2000's, it sounds like bad rap from the US in 1991. That is uintil they start rapping, then you realize that you couldn't even dream of a song this bad in a night terror dream, and that's the kind of dream where the worst stuff happens.

Early on in the song one of the rappers says that he has "never sold" his "soul", yet he's basically begging to be signed for this entire mixtape. He should change that line to "I'm desperate to sell my soul, I have no credibility and I'm timid". That would make more sense.

Finally, the title of this song is exactly how I feel about Soldjasoulz! Now Shush Soldjasoulz. Please. I wish something could come in and cheer me up. Wait: Bongo Solo!

5. All I Ever Wanted

"Aye, blokes! What kind of beat do you want?"

"Aye, something random, just press random keys and loop it ya soap dodger."

"Sounds proper you cheeky monkey!"

Let me ask you, could this beat be any worse? NO. Soldjasoulz trademark echo is in full effect and when you add that to an "amazing" beat this song becomes absolutely unbearable. Now the first guy rapping mentions something about all the internet hate that Soldjasoulz experiences (hey, some of that is from us!) Let's check it out...

"Hate is on the Internet

They can't take the vibe of these roughnecks with intellect."

He's right. I can't take it! I believe that I am detecting a hint of autotune on the chorus which is a sign of excellence. And when you consider the fact that I couldn't understand these guys if they were speaking English, we can officially say that this song is a massive failure for everyone involved including me.

6.  Cuntstoppable
A pun title. I'm not even going to listen to this. Review it yourself, Soldjasoulz.

"Aye, it's right proper then." - Soldjasoulz.. I think not.

7. Sourface

This beat isn't the worst! Don't get excited though, it's not good either, it's just, uh, something.  It sounds kind of like an old Keith Murray beat (don't think that's a compliment, Soldjasoulz). I think I've finally pinpointed one of the major problems with the rapping. We've got two bloke rappers here: the echo guy and the timid guy. And the timid guy tends to half-heartedly sing the rhyming word in the second line of his flow. You can hear an example within the first ten seconds of this song...I'll italicize the singy flow:

"When I make a move I make it undeniably slick /

The second coming of Christ, you think that I could be it? /

I'll have a gold plated pen for writing my shit /

It'll be the same pen that Sony 'll be signing me with"

Besides the bad-sounding singing stuff, he also crowds the words that start his first line. It SOUNDS BAD! THAT'S A REALLY IMPORTANT PART OF RAPPING: SOUNDING GOOD. Also, these guys really want to be signed. PLOP! That was the sound of this song falling into the abyss, where it belongs, never to be listened to again (yes, the abyss is full of water).

8. The Burial

Sigh! So we start off with some backwards lyrics (which is never a nice touch unless your name is ODB, which it isn't). Then the reggae themed beat kicks in, rude boy. Here we go...

"Me? I'm just so slick, so sick on the mic.

So dope with the flow, you could stick in a pipe.

I got...more bounce than a kangaroo

and a better buzz than a point eight ticket of white."

A kangaroo reference? Who do you think you are? Outkast? It's a tough call, but I'll be honest: this is probably the best track on the album. Now don't go out trying to buy this shit because you'll be enormously dissapointed. Air Horn!!!! Some of the lyrics are clever which is a nice touch but I honestly don't think that these guys have the voice for rapping, especially with the singy song flow.

Hey blokes, let's cap it off with a little joking around...

"It's DPF...if you don't know me by now...your mum probably does."

HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Get me and my mum out of here.

9. New Danger
I'm going to let you in on a little secret of this blog: I am reviewing this song on a different day than the whole rest of the album. Why? Becasue I can't take so much bullshit in one sitting. Why is this important? Becasue I'm in a tremendously bad mood right now. I'm very angry so this song had better be great becasue I need my hip hop fix. Nothing weak. Here we go.


Thank goodness! I'm hearing scratching! That by itself is like medicine for my soul. Sure the beat once again sounds like 1994 Erick Sermon, but I can accept that for a few minutes (although this song will never be played again if only because the beat is awful). Oh for fucks sake! This is the original version of the track that kicked off the album. Dammit! I'VE BEEN TRICKED BY SOME BRITS. I've already heard this appaling song! While this shit version sounds a lot better than the shit remix it's still not good at all. I'm glad they dropped the vocal echo, and the other guy sounds less timid but still a little wonky! They both sound wonky! Plus this whole track is only like a minute and a half long, what a relief! Hooray! See you tomorrow!

10. Rumors  (remix)
I'm so happy that we finally get a remix of Rumors. Right? I mean who could forget the original version? Wasn't it great? Yea, I never heard it. I'll assume that this version is better than the original, in which case the original must have been terrible because this song is really lousy.

So I guess Soldjasoulz is/are really sick of hearing "chatty, chatty nonsense" (as they say) and this song is meant to address that. Each line in the first verse starts with "rumor has it" which is clever and everyone should do that because it hardly gets old at all. The rumors being addressed here are really important! For example, there is a rumor that Soldjasoulz has "fallen off", WRONG. Also, they were going to battle Pharoahe Monch until they "called it off". WRONG AGAIN! That was never a rumor. Then there's this:

"Rumor has it that I'm badder than you,

when you want to prove otherwise you get to the back of the queue.

See, now Rumor has it that I'm not as bad as you

cuz if I was I'd have a rap video on channel U, right?"

Oh boy. So let's assume that he's saying 'bad' to mean good. If so, what is he talking about there? If he means "bad" like "bad" then what is he talking about there? It's just confused nonsesne, or should I say chatty, chatty nonsense? "Gasp" - Soldjasoulz (for turning the tables yet again). And who says "Queue"? Nobody I know.

Well, then then we get to the really European stuff: dressing up like the police, sex changes, weird singing with a Jamacian accent, having "fifteen dicks", smoking crack, a terrible beat, and a LESSON. That's right, Soldjasoulz wants you to learn a very important lesson: the rumors about Soldjasoulz will stop if YOU refuse to listen. OH! Well, I can't say that I've ever heard a rumor about Soldjasoulz (except from this song), but I can say that I will refuse to listen anything involving Soldjasoulz from now on. Your rumors and music are the worst. PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP.


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In summary, the UK really needs to lock this down. I'm not sure what that means, but I think the UK needs to outlaw rapping. That's it...leave it to America. Some of us know what we're doing (not me)! And the internet should be ashamed for having this mixtape (and this review) as content. FOR SHAME. I can see why they're only charging ₤2 for it, because nobody knows what '₤' means, and also 2 of those can't be much...I guess ₤2 = 2¢ American, but who knows?


Usually I take the last line of a mixtape review and drop a little encouragement for the artists involved. After all, I live for underground hip hop and I really want to hear good stuff. I want new jacks to master their craft and drop ill shit. This time, however, I want to discourage Soldjasoulz from rapping. That is until you find your own sound and stop trying to copy other people. Nobody wants to hear Wales answer to the Wu or Eminem, we want to hear fresh shit. Fresh American shit, that is. USA! USA! USA!

Soldjasoulz Score: 0₤/10