Track Checker: Chingy "Let It Go"

Guess what friends. I'm writing this post without a topic in mind. I don't have a song, I don't have an artist. I haven't even written the title yet (it's blank right now). I'm just excited about an idea I have for a review, and that idea goes something like this: I pick a terrible rap song, post a link for it, mock it (no duh), and then say something like this:

"The beat is a mess, I suspect that the wiring in the boards got crossed because nobody would ever make a beat like this on purpose."

See! LOOL! It's a perfect review plan. Blaming crossed wiring for a bad beat is something, I guess. It's funny to me that someone is trying to make a beat for a big name rapper and it's just sounding terrible because they had a guy in to work on the boards and he mixed up the wires. HAhaha! It can't be fixed so the beat is what it is. "I guess we have to put it on the album." - music industry head honcho.


GREAT! SO FUNNY! Now, let's put this bad boy plan into action...


So I just did a little searching and decided to do something off of Chingy's latest mixtape "Jackpot Back" hosted by DJ Noize (why not). Because he's an easy target (since he makes crappy music) and he's from Missouri (the third worst*), and I want to go to lunch but I have to pound this out. So, here is the album cover.
*after Washington State and Oregon

Uh, let me quickly scroll the songs and look for something that will be funny to review. Hold on, this takes forever since I have to actually listen to them and pick the perfect one....


OK! Done. I picked "Let It Go"


And the title becomes "Track Checker: Chingy "Let It Go" (I just added to the top of the post).


Let's review this POS (it's track 16):

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That wasn't a disappointment at all for anyone. I think we all agree that Chingy is bad at rap. I mean, some people like him so he's not bad at making music that some people like. He's just bad at making good hip hop in a traditional sense. Word up squad. He is good at making sound effects "skkkiirrrrtttt" but that's not enough. Actually, I appreciated a few lines in the song, but mainly because they're variations on the oldest shit ever: how shiny diamonds are. "Like sunrays, fuck up your eyes." Hahah! Nice job? It's gotta be tough coming up with a new line that says the same thing every album. Plus he says that cowards are trying to die. Really? I think not.

So what in the hell is went wrong with this track. First of all, how many times does somebody say "let it go" during this song? Like 50? Fine. I'm sure the lyrics are saying something but for some reason it just sounds like a lot of noise. I don't want to sound like an elderly old man, but holy crap this track is loud. It's like the Las Vegas Strip of music. Just little sounds trying to get your attention all the time. Bass sounds, little tinkling sounds, deep voices, loop echos, hand claps, fast snaps, explosions (?), voice echos, call and replys, key changes, too much twerking, piano, rapid spit, slow spit, and an OD of Missouri slangy slang. Good Grief. Too noisy. Too Noizy. DJ NOIZE. Noize.com. That beat is a mess:

I suspect that the wiring in the boards got crossed because nobody would ever make a beat like this on purpose.

"There's your problem with the song: someone wired this thing in backwards!"

Wow. (I DID IT. POST ACCOMPLISHED). So Chingy ends this song by saying exactly what EVERYONE WAS THINKING. "HEY YO! NOIZE, STOP THE MUSIC." Yes, please stop the music. Yo! Noize, STOP THE MUSIC FOREVER or get your board rewired correctly. Please listen to Chingy (his advice to stop the music, don't listen to his music). Listen to me: just stop.

LET IT GO SCORE 0/10

Layzie Bone Sued in Missouri - Breaking News!

Hold on to that mic!

Q: How can you tell that it’s a slow news day and also a Monday (frowny face)?

A: When we are breaking old news about Layzie Bone injuring the face of a fan in Missouri! That’s what happened at some point recently, I guess!

Let’s get to the story. Kick us off CBS news from St. LOLuis:

Lead singer Layzie Bone, and his traveling rap group “Bone, Thugs-n-Harmony” are being sued by a Columbia Missouri woman.

HAhahaha. Yep. “lead singer”! “traveling rap group”! “Missouri”! Hahaha. CBS has it's finger on the pulse of Missouri hip hop. Being sued is not a good thing at all, but maybe we should see what happened exactly?

Let’s ask ContactMusic.com/news:

“she alleges the star "lost control of the microphone, launching it into the crowd" and it struck her on the head.“

I’m sure that hurt really bad and you’ll probably get all the money from Bone (which at this point is probably about 35 bucks – they are playing in Columbia, Missouri, after all...not Madison Square Garden. Geez.” I’ve never even heard of Columbia, Missouri, where is this hip hop magnet?

Hahahha! I'm pretty sure there are two cities in Missouri (St. Louis and Kansas City, and this is as far away from both of them as possible). I see the come-back strategy that Bone was probably going for: Start touring in the middle of the country and let the Harmonious Thuggary spread. Then make some new good songs and then get the paper. It was so easy and it would have worked if Layzie Bone could have kept that microphone under control. CBS:

[the plaintiff] was standing near the front row at the Blue Note in Columbia when Layzie Bone began flinging the microphone, hitting her in the head.

I want to make it clear that we’re not blaming or doubting the victim or accusing Mr. Bone of any wrongdoing, but still. If you’re on stage you’ve only got a few responsibilities: (1) rap good AND (2) don't lose control of the one thing you’re holding (haven’t you been doing this for like thirty years, Layzie?).

I have to wonder what song was being performed? Was it Crossroads? Or this maybe:

Definitely! "Incoming!" WHAT IN THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT VIDEO / SONG? IT'S THE WORST! THROW THE MIC! EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE!

IN CONCLUSION: I like Bone just fine (in 1998), but this news is a little depressing for all of us. I mean, why is Bone performing in some crappy city in one of the worst states? Is Missouri the best you can do? Are you that hard up for money fellas? Also, are there people who still want to pay to see Bone perform? Really? You still need your 1^st of Tha Month and Creepin’ on ah Come Up fix? Foe tha Love of $? Good GRIEF! Uh, also to the victim: Bone ain’t got no money. Duh.

#savebonethungnharmony #BTNHworldwide #11523 #Layzie #Bizzy #Flesh-n #Krayzie #Wish #teachtheworld

Line vs. Line: Murphy Lee "My Shoes" vs. Ali "Boughetto"

Why yes, this is my new hat Derrty!

Lookin' sleepy Derrty!

Well, well, well.  The legendary Missouri crew 'The St. Lunatics' finally make an appearance in the court of the Turtle General.  Murphy Lee and Ali are both members of Nelly's St. Lunatics crew and stand before me to be judged today. These guys are the worst. Well, maybe not the worst but they are definitely in the running. For those of you who don't know, the St. Lunatics are the crew that Nelly came up with from St. Louis, MO. Nelly has sold like twenty million albums (seriously), and has had some combination of these guys on several of his singles, which means you have definitely heard both Ali and Murphy Lee rap at some point in your life even if you didn't want to. They were on Nelly's Air Force Ones, and they threw that song in the mix at Walmart to attract young affluent shoppers with bad judgement. So you know these guys.

For this post I'm going to skip any attacks on Nelly (since I already gave his album Nellyville a full review and it ruined an entire month of my life) and go right to the second tier Lunatics: Murphy Lee and Ali. Confession time: a few months ago I tried to review Murphy Lee's debut album "Murphy's Law" and I couldn't go through with it. It wasn't that it was bad (it was), it was more like I felt bad for the guy for so obviously trying to cash in on the Nelly fame-wave. The whole experience was just depressing. I had sympathy or empathy or something and I had to stop. So I'm not going to put myself through anything like that again, I'm too fragile. This time I'm just going to look at Murphy Lee's latest single, My Shoes (2008) and compare it to fellow Lunatic Ali's latest single Boughetto (2002). Mono e mono or whatever. Battle!

"But why are you doing this?" you ask nervously.

Well, I'm not a fan of Nelly or the St. Lunatics, they represent the some of the worst commercialization of hip hop ever, they suck, and I love to review bad rap. These singles represent some of the worst out there. Lee's My Shoes came out in 2008, well after the Nelly bandwagon fell apart. So it's a combination of going for a payday, trying to stay relevant, and clinging to a passed fad. As for Ali, his single came out almost a decade ago and it represents a talentless rapper that just got an album because of his association with a multiplatnum artist.  And trust me, this guy has very little talent, hence him not having any albums since 2002.

Well enough typing about that...onward to the rap battle!

Anticipation for the battle.  Wait a minute, where is your mask Slow Down?

"My Shoes"

So we'll start this battle off with Murphy Lee's "My Shoes", there is a version featuring T-Pain, but I don't know if this is that version (or care)...



HOLY CRAP. Those cars look like monster trucks! It IS amazing how real Murphy Lee is and how lame I am. I realize that now. In the song Murphy Lee bets that I "never ever seen wheels shinin like these", he's right: I haven't! I also have "never ever seen kicks change colors like these". What can I say, I'm sheltered and I don't even know what anything in this song means. I DON'T CARE ABOUT RIMS OR SHOES. I wish I had something in my life I loved as much as Murphy Lee loves shoes, but I don't.

Remember Nelly's song Air Force One's? This is the same track basically. IT'S THE SAME EXACT IDEA MURPHY LEE, YOU MEATHEAD. We get it: YOU LOVE SHOES. Shoes! If you ever meet Murphy Lee and have a conversation with him, chances are good that the subject of shoes will come up at some point, even if you are at a funeral, or your kids flute recital, or a gang jump-in. Nike Air. We even get to revisit the idea that I could NEVER find shoes like his, which is a shame I suppose. Er, wait, when he says shoes dies he mean rims? That makes sense in the context of the video KIND OF...or maybe shoes means anything that touches the ground? WHO CARES? AND who would listen to this song anyway? Would you? I know I wouldn't. I hate that singing chorus. I HATE THIS SONG.

CAPITAL LETTERS! 

 "Boughetto"

Now for Ali.  Poor Ali, the second worst in the St. Lunatics crew. Ali is checking in with his single "Boughetto" whatever that means. And don't act like you know because you don't.  Nobody does. What a great idea for a song.


Ali Feat. Murphy Lee - Boughetto by Drunken-Li-Dragon

That was fun wasn't it? Especially when that one guy looks in the microscope and sees the microbes and bacteria shape up like a lady and start dancing all boughetto. Fun. So, I can review this song quickly: boring and forgettable.  Also, is this a McDonald's commercial? What's with that word Boughetto? I see it's defined in the song as "bourgeois and ghetto", so what is bourgeios, professor? That doesn't even look like an American word. What the heck is going on in St. Louis? Then they take it to the next level with "beautif-hetto"! Beautiful and ghetto. Thank goodness they take the time to define the terms otherwise I would be lost like if I went to college or something.

Now, you may have noticed that Boughetto features Ali's enemy for this contest Murphy Lee!  "Foul" you cry, "Is that against the rules? Murphy Lee is kind of in a competition against himself." Well, first of all there are no rules here. Second of all, who cares? SPOILER ALERT: Murphy ruins any song he appears in and so does Ali. I decide how things go here. In a future post I might have Murphy Lee battle only himself, or a tree or something! I am a general after all, I can get things done.  #Slaute (hashtag).

In your defense, Murphy Lee might indeed have figured that some day, some high ranking turtle might have a battle of singles between "Boughetto" and "My Shoes" so he intentionally rapped poorly on this track to improve his chances of winning. I mean he says that he "don't like the hood" whhhaaatttt? I believe it, but I've never heard a rapper say that before. We all know Murphy Lee has expensive taste, after all his rims are the size of a Oregon Trail wagon wheel. He also mentions that some of his friends are at Riker's Island prision.  Hey, that's in New York! Missouri is shipping their inmates all the way to New York? MURPHY LEE, YOU'RE AN IDIOT. You might be right, reader, he is rapping especially poorly, even for a St. Lunatic.

The problem with the idea that Murphy Lee is intentionally rapping bad to ruin the song (and win this contest) is that both rappers do a appalling job behind the mic, meaning that not only did Murphy Lee undermine Ali, Ali undermined himself!  Double jeapordy or something with two bad things.

UH-OH!

FINAL RESULT: Tie for worst?  Nope.  Murphy Lee wins.  Why?  "My Shoes" would lose in a battle against almost every other song ever made (it would even lose against some sounds like crickets or a waterfall), but in the case of "Boughetto" he wins. In the end I don't think Ali really lost though, you and I lost. Hip hop lost. Humanity lost. Mankind lost. Existence lost. Actually, I guess Ali did lose because he had the worst track. And he lost against a song called "My Shoes" so that's really bad. Maybe even the worst kind of loss a human can endure. My sympathy goes out to Ali and his family. You can make it through this. Maybe start rappin about shoes more often...just an idea.



The losers in this contest.


Score: 0/10 for the St. Lunatics, Ali, Murphy Lee, Me, Nelly, and music in general