Track Checker: Spice 1 "Hard to Kill"

Hi there you fucking clap mouths. Remember not to long ago we caught up with Spice 1 (and found out that he got shot in the face but was okay). Well, playtime's over motherfuckers. Tort team is definitely in motherfucking effect. Know what I'm saying? So raise up and recognize that this blog is hard to kill. We're revisiting this guy for the 1-2...

What I'm trying to say is we're going to check out an old ass song where Method Man dropped in on his friend Spice 1 to lay a verse. This song is from 1994, when Meth was on top of his game and Spice 1 was exactly the same person that he has always been. For some perspective, "Tical" came out just a week before this song was released, so Meth was a new jack...kind of. On the other hand, this is Spice 1's thrid album "AmeriKKKa's Nightmare". So we're dealing with a very new-to-the scene Method Man teaming up with a West Coast veteran. How will they do? Will the new guy choke? Will the veteran get outshined? Let's answer those questions from twenty years ago!

So, is this a good song? I don't remember, it probably didn't hold up well. Let's find out...




Not that good. I mean the lyrics are good, but the beat is wack. I find it hard to believe that this beat was ever considered good. But, what do I know? Maybe everyone thought it was good in 1994 and tried to learn it on the piano. #MUSICLESSONS. Plus, the fake rasta talk is kind of dumb. But Method Man is on point. He sounds hungry. What happened to that guy? Well fed Method Man isn't as good of an MC. #GETHUNGRY Meth. Diet.

I wonder who this appearance was a favor for. I know that after the Wu's first album dropped, people were hungry for Method Man (and anything Wu), so maybe people heard that Meth was on a Spice one album and picked it up. On the other hand, maybe Spice 1 had a huge fan base and somehow the veteran was trying to bring shine to a young gunner. Or, more likely, the record executives knew that Wu Tang was big money, and that by crossing Meth over to the west coast he might gain some traction nation wide. Marketing!

In Conclusion: With a beat that is too crap this song is DOA. Hungry Meth is nice, kind of. I guess just listen to this son once and then move on to something else for twnety more years.

HARD TO KILL SCORE 4/10

Munchies, but not hungry

Vote Cappa 2012: "Milk The Cow"

This blog officially endorses Cappadonna in the 2012 Presidential Election of the United States. Vote Cappa, stupid.

In the run-up to the big election* we've decided to make a mockery of everything and endorse one of our favorite rappers: Cappadonna. We know that he isn't even running for office, but we like him so much that it doesn't matter. So, to help support his platform of Cow Milking and Slang Prostitution, we're going to feature one of his songs every week from now until the election. We're just trying to get out the vote.
*Elections are wack, if you think that you're going to change anything by voting for any of the official wealthy nominees, then you're out of your mind.

Our track today establishes our candidate's early work. "Milk the Cow" was featured on his first (lackluster) solo album "The Pillage". It's a dope song and it demonstrates our candidate's commitment to the American farmer, the heartland, Park Hill, etc..

Artist: Cappadonna featuring Method Man
Song: "Milk The Cow"
Album: The Pillage
Release Date: March 24, 1998

Now, in the official roll call of the tracks, we call the representatives from cow milking:

Yo, new Cappadonna is about to exhale kid
Hold all the phone calls, stop all the mail

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! That just comes to the earpiece right. Salute to True Master for the devastating beat. And Cappadonna himself for having the courage to stand up and doing it milky, just like his mother told him to do. Respect.

Also, this is a fantastic video. One of the best. Classic. This comes from the same era as all the terrible Wu Tang Clan videos. How does Cappa come in and make a good video while the Clan was fucking with magic marker name plates in their videos? The answer: he's mad professional, and he'll bring that level of professionalism to the oval office.

I do have one thing to point out on a bit of a side note: Method Man is not his running mate. Donna runs alone. Method Man is barely on this song. He has like two lines and an outro. Was he paid for that? Check his tax returns or some shit! Was he promoted on the album cover as a guest? Because that wasn't really a guest, it was more of a pop-in. Let's check the rear cover...

Nope. No mention of Method Man. Good. See, our candidate established himself as the honest contender early on. If that doesn't earn your vote then I don't know what will.

So, VOTE CAPPA 2012 - He'll honestly represent who is guest starring on his songs.

IN CONCLUSION: In 2016, we're going to be chanting "4 More Years" as Cappa completes his first term. Ka-Plow!

MILK THE COW SCORE 8/10

U-God's Resume #62, "Rock Steady"

--Official Stats--
Artists: Tony Touch feat. Method Man, Raekwon, and U-God
Song: "Rock Steady"
Producer: RZA
Album: The Piece Maker 2
Release Date: February 24, 2004

Tony Toca. I have high hopes for this shit. Lots of people I respect coming together for a common cause. That sentence was gibberish! TOCA!!!! So how can this be bad? It has Tony Touch's name on it, so this is on him:

"Rock Steady"



See? Good. Nice beat. Short. Raekwon sounds awake. Change ups. Good enough chorus (or a least good breaks between verses). Interesting song structure. Son killed it. All the sons killed it.

I think the stand out here is Method Man. Brah, work with Tony on your albums. He brings a lot better shit than your usual garbage production.

Now for U-God. He brings it rough. Sounds good on the beat. Nice job. Maybe too long (as usual)? I don't know. It's okay.

Hots on the shit, just so we can lock horns
Throw a package in the streets, get the block warm
Something happens when we meet, hit the block strong
Get it poppin' in your face, taste the popcorn
Now that we back on track, can't lose
My back gets huge, bitches Moulin Rouge
The way I move, the Cadillac, so smooth
Battle rap improve shit, light the fuse
Bruised off the booze liquor, doozy kicker
The dynamite style, shinin' lights still flicker
Wu-Tang stickers is a nuclear reaction
Tony Touch scratch the table, RZA on the back end
Pure, the talent, yes, yours truly
The brand combination of jazz, class and beauty
Here to do my duty, up another notch
The gospel according to rap is mega watts
Agenda never stop, dead center, mega hot
Go mop it up, go cop it when it drops..

IN CONCLUSION: Good song. TONY does it as usual. Dope Skills. Rocksteady style.

Track Score: 7/10

U-God’s Score: 7/10

Impact on Rep (+,-,=): None

 

Next Week: THE FUN MIGHT BE OVER. We have to start reviewing U-God's many appearances on the Hillside Scrambler's album called: "Ugodz-Illa Presents: The Hillside Scramblers". 12 WEEKS OF THAT. Oh, the first song is called "INTRO". Maybe we shouldn't prejudge. It might be tight.

About this series: “U-God’s Resume" is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

Someone's peeking at you!

U-God's Resume #58, "The W (Bonus Track)"

--Official Stats--
Artist: Wu-Tang Clan
Song: "The W (Bonus Track)"
Producer: RZA
Album: Iron Flag
Release Date: December 18, 2001

Obvious intro time! The Wu has an entire album called "The W", then on this album, "Iron Flag", they have a bonus track called "The W" too. The thing is that "The W" isn't that good of a title to begin with. It's just a letter and kind of lazy. You used the same crappy title twice? Come on guys! 

But who cares about the title? Not me. The song needs to be dope. So is it? I don't rememeber! Let's watch the video, if you want to... 

"The W (Bonus Track)"





I guess I do remember that song after all! I mean, I remember the beat...and that the GZA sounds really bored, but I don't remember anything else. That's the sign of a bad track. And it is a bad track, that has all of my favorite MCs rapping and my favorite producer. So what happened?

Number 1: If the GZA sounds bored, RZA sounds like he phoned it in. A lot of times when I'm at a loss for words with these boring Wu-beats I just say that they're generic. This beat is worse: it's boring and it sounds like a fake Wu-beat. The bass is nice though.

Number 2: That chorus is the worst. Good gravy Aunt Macie.

"Gotta check out the W . . . Got to . . . check out . . . the W"

Number 3: The verses are all good content-wise, but U and Meth sound like they got cut off mid-verse, and Rae and GZA sound like their verses were edited together from other shit. TWTF? The extra "T" doesn't mean anything. It was just a typo.

Was anything right? Sure.

GZA: "I grew up around block parties ready to rock / behind the rope n---- with my rhymes on cock"

and "My bad weather blow the feathers off a hundred flocks"

Meth brings a decent verse that sounds better than it reads.

U-God brings this:

"The Princess, the Pope, incest, dope

Choke you by the throat, the chrome handle smoke

The man not for joke, we all out for broke

Plus the herbal that I tote, the murder that I wrote

You can't do me none, my Uzi weighs a ton

I'm comin' from the slum, Wu is number one

I stumbled on the drum, the Gods are troublesome

Rumble when we come, boy you better run, run"

That's a good use of U's talent! Nice job.

Rae is on there too. Nice job Rae. That chorus is so bad that I can barely make it to your verse which is just fine. Keep up the good work.

IN CONCLUSION: U delivers on a lackluster track, buster.

Track Score: 2/10

U-God’s Score: 8/10

Impact on Rep (+,-,=): None


Next Week: Iron Flag is DONE. What? Next week it's on to some fucking Killa Beez album called "The Sting". U is in a song called "Killa Beez" . . . I'm sure that it will be great, don't worry.

About this series: “U-God’s Resume" is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

U-God's Resume #55, "Uzi (Pinky Ring)"

--Official Stats--
Artist: Wu-Tang Clan
Song: "Uzi (Pinky Ring)"

Producer: RZA
Album: Iron Flag
Release Date: December 18, 2001{intro}

Hey now! This song isn't so bad! I remember it. Plus I remember that it had a video. So you know what that means? This is a VIDEO REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Uzi (Pinky Ring)"

I guess I should start by saying that this is the first single off of the album, it's produced by the RZA, and it has a verse from every member of the Clan except for Cappadonna (who was in time-out for this album). The beat is pretty good. I mean, it's not vintage Wu (becasue it's got that polished sound that nobody wants to hear), but it's still a good beat. Plus the chours is okay!

Let's get it!

U-God starts us off talking over the intro:

"Yo...yeah. Don't erase none of that good shit in the beginning. Yo.. spill drinks on ya, get stank on ya. Yo.. yo.. pinky ring shit, yo. That pinky ring shit yo."


Then things improve greatly as the song jumps right into a verse. But in the video we're treated to embarassment as a shitty looking CGI bee flys around looking all cheap ass. Here we go again with something wack, the Wu just can't seem to get their shit 100% together.



High Tech Shit.


U kicks off the track with the first verse, and it's good:

"It's that pinky ring shit, the legend of masked kid
Shoot out the speakers when my guns get jurassic
Superbad, who am I? Dolemite classic
The vandal's back, hands on Angela Bassett
I handle my plastic, gunplay I mastered
No coke, dope mixed down with acid on record
Broken down and crafted in seconds
Lady's choice, the golden voice still peppered
Better, respect it, bitch believe
I pull rabbits out the hat, tricks up my sleeves
I air out the showroom, the shit can breathe
Fix your weave, behold my expertise"


What was the budget for this tin foil and marker sign? A MILLION WU DOLLARS?

Things are sounding so right. The "Guns get Jurassic" line is the shit. Shout to U. This is his second appearance on Iron Flag, and his second good verse. He's at 100% dopeness. But, yo, why is the video so wack? Another "club" video? Didn't the Wu just do that with that "Jump Off" bullshit? Plus, Wu music isn't exactly club music, right? It's introspective deep shit. Whatev. So U spits in his winter wear (hat and coat) surrounded by two ladies. Okay.





Somebody call a dentist.



Seriously, this video is just normal and boring AND CHEAP. So the CGI bee that nobody wants to see is back as the average chorus kicks in:

"I got my uzi back -- you dudes is wack, face it the Wu is back"

Was the uzi gone at some point? What do they mean by Uzi? Are they really rapping back with wack and back again? Ehhhh?

HAHhaa! Video art courtesy of Mrs. Dewey's second grade class.

Good old Raekwon is next. His verse is good too. But yo! Where did the money go for this video? Seriously. Rae is also with two ladies in the cheapest set I've ever seen.



It looks great. Nice job, set department.

Next we get the chorus again, then Ghost comes in. Because, of course, would RZA ever not put Rae and Ghost together? No. Apparently there is no other way to order the MCs. Lame. 



Poor Ghost. Mr. Killah, you're too good for this low budget shit. Especially when you bring one of the better verses of the song. Plus, shout to the RZA for the nice change up in the beat. If you close your eyes so you don't see the cheap ass videy, and just listen to the verse, the pain goes away. Weird.



The tradition of Wu-Violence against Women continues.



Ghost spits in a shitty looking "rich guy" apartment with "framed art" and everything. Also, two ladies, AGAIN. I guess it's the theme of the video. "Everyone will have two ladies and it will be great" - The Director.

Plus we get a new twist on the whole "Wu Tang Clan treats women poorly" routine, with Ghost pushing a dancer out of the way by the head (U-God is usually the one beating on the ladies, but the whole clan can do it too). Now all we need is RZA to give the finger and this will be a completely normal Wu video (lame).

Is this your card?

Chorus again. Then RZA stops in to drop science nonsense. But he doesn't get a cheap ass intro sign. Why not? Actually, the verse is fire and so is the segment in the video. Yo. When RZA calls out the playing cards and tosses them in the video, it was over. RZA wins (even though he only has one lady in his cheap ass looking office). 

Then, unbelieveably, things get even better (with the song anyway, the video is still cheap as hell), as Method Mad jumps in over a major change up on the beat and successfully follows RZA's dope verse.



Mad different methods to the way we make the nameplates

Things are very different for Method's segment. He gets a ton of ladies and a set that looks okay. I see who the star is. Plus, his verse is nice with that "same advice that I gave my wife...". Everyone is bringing their "A" game. And a quick calculation tells me that the last three guys are three of my favorites in the clan: Deck, GZA, and Masta Killa.





So Deck is next and of course gets the cheap ass sign treatment too:





Yep. It looks like shit, put it in the video



Deck get's to spit on another generic set, this time it's in a women's boxing gym. Neat. I've only seen that a hundred times before. But at least his verse is on the same level as everyone else - which is good.

Yeah, it is a women's gym, so what?

Hold up, Deck's lines are so good, as usual, that I have to call one of the out:"Creepin' through the states on V8's and 12's / My weight is held, fuck with me then brace yourself"

Masta Killa is next and he somehow escapes humiliation and doesn't get a cheap ass sign. His verse is fire from the first line: "This is grown man talkin, coward I split your head..."



Masta Killa's set: cardboard + 1 Lady



Fuck, Masta Killa is the best. His closing line is supreme:"Floatin' on the 95, sting like a killa bee / your hands can't hit what your eyes cant see..."

Then we have GZA to wrap it up...

You can see the fucking lines from the Sharpie.

Now, GZA does his thing and spits a well crafted verse. But I have to ask: what in the fuck happened to the GZA? He doesn't sound like one of the Clan. He doesn't have any energy, his verse sounds like it was recorded hundreds of miles away from everyone else, and he just is lacking. This was my favorite MC ever. Liquid Swords is my shit. This is not the guy from Liquid Swords. The shit sounds so forced, like he forgot how to spit raw and have fun. It's like he lost his heart. Wizard of Oz shit. 

I don't want to blast the GZA or his master status, but shit. I gotta call it how I see it.

IN CONCLUSION: What a cheap ass video. Crap. Garbage. Everyone delivers a good verse and despite having to deal with a cheap ass video. Skip the video, spin the song. Done. Oh, Masta Killa won best verse.

Track Score: 8/10 

U-God’s Score: 7/10

Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Improves

 

Next Week: On to the next one. Iron Flag's next U-God joint "One of These Days". I seem to remember that it's a good track too! Tune in!



About this series: “U-God’s Resume" is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

Get Lo like a Zombo

U-God's Resume #54, "Soul Power (Black Jungle)"

--Official Stats--
Artist: Wu-Tang Clan featuring Flava Flav
Song: "Soul Power (Black Jungle)
Producer: RZA
Album: Iron Flag
Release Date: December 18, 2001


HO-LY-SHIT. What a way to start Iron Flag - with the Flava Flav song. I know he's somehow related to someone in the Clan, but keep him off Wu Tang tracks. In fact, keep EVERYONE off. Wu Clan Only.


I like Flava Flav a lot. In fact, I think Public Enemy is a million times better because of him. But the Wu doesn't need a hypeman. They had ODB, but he was way more than a hypeman, he was one of the best MCs ever. Flava Flav is not...he is pure hypeman.


I already know that this song is torture and I hate it. But let's listen to it anyway. Why not?




"Soul Power (Black Jungle)"



We're greeted with a TERRIBLE BEAT, and I mean pure garbage with absolutely no redeeming quality. Then we have Flava's distict voice coming in loud with "Two thousand and two". So dissapointing. Then he says it like a hundred times. I get it: 2002! 2002! We'll all remember what year this piece of shit fell out of the Clan. This song is the opposite of everything that I love about the Clan. Maybe the lyrics will save it, right. Let's look past the beat and the Flav and check the content, son.


Flava Flav - Intro: Appalingly distracting.
Raekwon - talking over the intro: indistingusihable from the background noise.
Raekwon - first voice: Doesn't say anything worth listening to.
U-GOD - CHORUS -


It's soul power! (Two thousand and two!)
Soul power! (You know how we do!)
Soul power! (For you and your crew!)
Soul power! (Representin Wu!)
Soul power! (You know how we do!)
Soul power! (Two thousand and two!)
Soul power! (For you and your crew!)
Soul power! (Representin Wu!)



WHAT THE FUCK? Who in the fuck wrote that shit? FUCK! Who thinks that U-God repeating the same two words over and over makes a good chorus? Raise your stank hand! Apparently someone does becasue it keeps happening. Again and again? FUCK! Listen, first of all that's a lazy ass chorus. It's a waste of EVERYONE'S LIFE. Second, the Wu has already done the "repeat one of U-God's words" chorus a bunch of times. It's not played out becasue it never had play - it SUCKS HARD.

Seriously, a BULLSHIT chorus with amateur elementary raps over a festering shit beat? WHERE IN THE FUCK IS THE WU THAT I SIGNED UP FOR?


Well, Masta Killa is next and that guy has the talent to turn this trashit around. That's right, I combined Trash and Shit into one word. Fuck it! Nobody cares anyway.


Masta Killa - Verse Two: Thank God, a good verse. Masta Killa, I owe you one. You deserve better than this beat.
Ghostface - Verse Three: Just a normal verse, which is kind of amazing considering how bad this beat is.
U-GOD - Verse Four: (We'll look up the lyrics later). So how did our boy do (if you ignore him fucking the chorus up)? THE BOY KILLED IT. Yo. That's a dope verse. The best of the song! And It's a long one! So this is the fucking song that U decides to bring a hot verse. Fuck, it's a mixed up world. Fuck it.


"Line Cadillacs to blocks, Richard Pryor, Redd Foxx
Jukebox records, flatfooted cops
Get automatic systematic jumpin in your socks
Mama's apple pie in the park hopscotch
Reunited on the radio, Wu-Tang superb
In the sprinklers girls double-dutchin on the curb
Sinatra, the pop the Jackson 5 recordings
Uptown Saturday, "Cotton Came to Harlem"
Ringmaster circus was, Bailey and Barnum
Crack a Coca-Cola, summer heat was my boredom
Dr. J before Jordan, Al Green on the organ
When Rerun did the dance, the whole world saw him
The blackout fears, Foxxy Brown, Pam Grier
Ford motor gear, your life and times queer
"Smokey the Bear", Burt Reynolds gray hair
Throw 'em some gems, throw up your fists and say yeah, it's"

METHOD MAN / FLAVA FLAV- outro: BULLSHIT. They're family. Reunited. So sweet. Vomit. I hate this so much. Hate. Dispise. Vomit.

IN CONCLUSION: Flaaavaaa Flaaaaaaav ruinnnnnnned thissssss ssoonnnnnnng. So did RZA. I say skip it forever. Maybe pull out U's verse and Masta Killa's verse, and maybe Ghost and put it on a good beat and forget that chorus and then you'd have something. Otherwisee, U-God's journey into Iron Flag territory is off to a bad start, and it's not even his fault.

Track Score: 2/10

U-God’s Score: 7/10

Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Ruins. Nobody could love this song, not even it's mother.

Next Week: Iron Flag rolls on with the last Wu song with parentheses in the title: "Uzi (Pinky Ring)". I hope it's better than this shit (it is).



About this series: “U-God’s Resume" is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

U-God's Resume #50, "Gravel Pit"

--Official Stats--
Artist: Wu-Tang Clan
Song: "Gravel Pit"
Producer: RZA
Album: The W
Release Date: November 21, 2000

You might say that all music is hit or miss. For me, Wu Tang tracks are generally hits, but this song is one of the biggest misses I can think of from the Clan. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I hate the beat. I hate the video, but I especially hate the chorus. This song was one reason I didn't spin this album as much as I might have. In fact, I've only listened to this track a few times since I hate it so much, so I don't even remember U-God being in this shit. I don't remember anyone on this track. Maybe Method Man?

Maybe this is better than I remember. Maybe I'll LOVE IT. Google +1? Google +10!!! Eh, I remember not liking the video at all...Fred Flintstone shit.

Let's see...

"Gravel Pit"

So this video ties directly in with the video from "Protect Ya Neck (The Jump Off)" - the crew starts out in the same time machine elevator, because that was such a fun concept apparently. Only this time instead of the crew trying to keep their eyes open as the RZA blabs about nonsense, the boys are wild! Wildly hitting elevator buttons, it's outta control. Let's transcript this bad boy:

Now I'm not sure who is talking for most of this video, so some of the transcript is just assumptions:

[Scene: Wu Tang Clan enters an elevator]

Cappadonna: "I'm saying, it's my birthday, take me to...

Masta Killa: [inturpting]: "Drop me off."

Ghostface Killah: "Drop me off too!"

Cappadonna [continuing]: "...the top of New York."

Raekwon [loudly]: "Drop us ALL off! ...Where we going, man? We all go together!"

[All argue angrily]

U-God: "Nah, nah, nah."

Ghostface: "I'm going home, man."

Raekwon: "YO! DROPPED OFF!"

[Method Man, impatiently presses an elevator button labeled "1814"]

Method Man: "If we going anyplace, we going to the day I was born."

[Everyone reaches for elevator buttons, "1776" is pressed.
All argue angrily, "2921" is pressed, "20000000 B.C." is finally pressed]



[All surprised]

Raekwon: "Yo! Yo! Yo!"

Method Man [holding back his team and looking at the display]: "OH! 2,000 B.C.!"

Raekwon: "Ya know what I'm saying!"

{Elevator Doors Close, end of scene}

So fun! All of our firends are at it again! Plus, won't Method Man be surprised when they skip past "2,000 B.C." and end up in "20,000,000 B.C."? Probably not, it's all pretty much the same before the 1970's I guess. So what happens next? The Wu Tang Logo carved in stone, of course:

Then a dinosaur busts through it.

So creative. Witty and Unpredictable! Next, the horrible trumpet beat starts with the RZA giving the "1, 2, 1, 2" count. He is sitting at a stone table, surrounded by ladies, and bags of money (with the dollar sign and everything). He's wearing just a normal caveman fur coat.

He invites us to "report to the pit...the gravel pit" and to "leave your problems at home" okay, "leave your children at home" fine, safety is important. More money bags, cut diamonds, it's the jump off! I'll tell you right now, this is not a pit that I want to jump in to. Bags of money? What happened to the Wu? C.R.E.A.M. and whatnot. Bring the Pain and all that. This is nothing. This is saccharine.

NOW WE'RE IN 2,000,000 B.C.! I can see that this video cost a fortune, and mo money more problems getting dates straight, as this is the second time in a row the date is wrong.

Then, BOOM! The whole shit just takes off, and this is not the version from the album. As Method Man just flys right off with a verse. Uh, wait, I guess this is the way the album version starts, kind of, it just has an extra chorus crammed in there. So, Mr. Meth! How do you do?


Remember when Meth refused to rock Wu Wear?

Meth's lead off verse is okay. Is it me or does Meth almost sound like a cartoon of himself, with his silly little quips and common phrases? Plus, I don't know if he does it on this song, but Meth is like the only MC who bites himself. I mean he'll reuse little fragments of rhymes again and again, and it's weird, but he's allowed because he's dope. It's just distracting...but not as distracting as this beat, what the hell is this beat? Are those bells? And why is the shit so fast. SLOW IT DOWN WU TANG. YOU'RE RAPPERS NOT FAST RAPPERS. Seriously, call Twista if you like fast shit. On Tical, Method Man brought the sleepy time flow, now he's scrambling over this crap? WWW.THE.FFF.COM?

Anyway, nice verse. Moving on we have....wait a minute! Did U-God sneak in there? HE DID! And it was FIRE! One line of introduction, uh, fire.


U-God: "I'm the kid with the Golden Arms."



Method Man: "And I'm the Mother Fucking Hot Nikks." + a dinosaur!



Is that it for U-God? That's not much! Method Man's long verse ends with a shout to ODB, who was in jail in real life, and in the video as well!

Then we move on to the chorus, the worst part of the The Wu-Tang Clan for the year 2000. It's sung by "Crystal Diamonds", and lol to that name. She sings it fine, but it's so stupid that it hurts:

"Check out my Gravel Pit / A mystery unraveling

Wu Tang is the CD that I travel with,

Don't go against the grain if you can't handle it..."

Cough, cough, ach...ACH! Plus, Method Man is saying "back and forth" over the top. Quiet down. Calm down. You're making things worse.

Next up is everybody's favorite: FRANK STONEY! Better known as Ghostface. Love the caveman names. So retro (B.C. retro). I've really had it with "themes". Every theme is terrible. Just be normal. Right off, Ghost is much better on a fast wack beat than anyone else. He's just that good, spitting ill as he gambles at the Flintstone's casino. Complete with stone slots and caveman cards. Neat. But Ghost's verse starts stealing the show as he falls into a machine gun flow and rapid spits this shit to death.

Nobody's topping this one, kids. We have a winner.

Once Ghost is done, the song stops dead in its tracks to vomit up a trumpet interlude that nobody wants to hear. This time Raekwon takes over the job of talking randomly during the break...

Now, when I say that the track stops dead. I mean literally dead. Done. No more song. RZA even throws is a goofy sound effect to make sure you know that this break sucks. It does.

Next up: U-GOD! The man of the hour. The subject of our inspection. And he's closing out the song.


STONEFINGERS

 So how does he do? NFL STYLE: "IT'S GOOOOOD!!!!". Golden Arms brings the heat for the fast beat. But I have to mention the video. Remember back to U's video for "Bizarre"? Sure you do. At one point he takes a second to punch the shit out of woman's face as she is being held in a submission hold. Ka-Plow, to that woman - WU STYLEZ. Well, in this video, U-God takes a wooden cave man club, pounds a woman over the head with it, and then has a smile. Sure, it's played for laughs (with the "BOING!" sound effect and the cartoon birds), but still, what's going on with that? Then he drags her around by the hair, until he he's pulled so hard that it rips out of her scalp. LOL?

So the song ends with a long out, with an expanded awful chorus. In the video giant dinosaur birds circle as a woman is tied bewteen two poles. Haha, U-God, you've done it again! Will she be eaten before she is further robbed of her dignity? #NasDaughters. We'll never know (but I think she does get eaten off camera). So Wu.


Let's see what else. RZA is flipping the bird AGAIN! So cool. Method Man is strutting around with the club on the front of his pants, so locker room. There is lots of dancing. Ghost bites an apple with a loud crunch. Dinosaurs are everywhere making sounds. The music fades, now we get a caveman kung fu battle, because why not?

It's Bo Rockhard vs, uh, the Wu? I guess? Rocks are thrown, jumps are made. You know the drill. Sword fighting. Weapons of all types are employed. Balls are racked. Bo Rockhard faces off against the RZA? RZA is saying things, punching sounds, flying aroud. RZA kind of yells "Wu Tang Worldwide" as he shoots an arrow everyone flys back and then he gets eaten by a dinosaur. Of course. Perfect end for a perfect video. No flaws here. Rewind and watch again if you want to, I don't care. I'm going out for breakfast. Denny's! Yum. Maybe I'll invite my brother? Why not?

IN CONCLUSION: This video is just stupid. Too much money was spent. What happened to just going around in a bus and looking fucked up? Huh? This time they went too far. As for the song, it seems like RZA is always putting U-God in line ups right next to Meth and Ghost. That's a tough spot for anyone, but this time U Holds his own. Kills it. Ghost still wins it easily, but Meth and U tie for second (or worst, but let's not mention that).

Track Score: 0/10

U-God’s Score: 0/10

Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Detrimental

  LYRICS:

Yo, step to my groove, move like this

When we shoot the gift of course it's ruthless

Grab the mic with no excuses

In a sec, grab the techs and loot this

Executin, shakin all sets, and I'm breakin all hecks

I'm takin all bets, move all best, who want the dram' next

You all stank, we got the bigger bank

Bigger shank to fill your tank

Still the same kill you for real, while you crank

Slide, do or die, fry to bake

Admire the greats, on fire wit a heart of hate

Bitter shark, every part I take, heavy darts that quake

It's okay, all fakes, get caught by the dropkicks

You know the thrill, yes it's Park Hill

Yo we hit 'em with the hot grits...

On the go, check the flow, sayin Wu don't rock shit...

Stop quick, hold the gossip, stop sweatin my pockets

I hear the hot shit

Next Week: U-God has a song called "Clap", I guess it's on "The W" as well. Too bad.

About this series: “U-God’s Resume" is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.