Wednesday, February 29, 2012

U-God's Resume #35, "Bizarre"

--Official Stats--
Artist: U-God
Song: 6. "Bizarre"

Producer: Bink
Album: Golden Arms Redemption
Release Date: October 5, 1999

So far my complaints with this abysmal album have been the lyrics (to some extent) and the production (to a lot of extent). So everything I guess. And seeing that the producer of this song is a guy (?) named "Bink" is not a good sign of things to come. Bink? Who? Let's investigate. Oh, he's produced a lot of songs for people who I respect. So, even though I don't specifically remember any of his work, I have some hope that this will be a good song. Plus, it is so buried on the album that I probably checked out mentally by the time it came up in the rotation the first (and only) time I heard this album. Let's notch those hopes a bit higher, shall we. Not to mention I see that this song was the second single off of the album PLUS it contains a Marvin Gaye sample, so $$$ and high hopes. I could really use a dope Wu Tang song right about now.

HOWEVER, on the flip side, the title Bizarre is a bit unsettling. By that I mean it sounds dumb. I hope that the chorus isn't U-God just saying "Bizarre" or "so bizarre" or something like that. Plus all of the preceding songs on this album have been awful, so let's adjust our expectations accordingly. This track will be tolerable. Done. Live. Let's hear it...(it has an official video!)...

6. "Bizarre"

Hey! That wasn't too bad. But it was also very tedious. Also, what did you expect? I guess the production was good. But the video, did you see that? Let's talk about that first. WTF for real? Right? Why is the Wu so sucky at videos?

Okay, so "AGENT GOLDEN ARMS" is sitting in his weird Wu throne watching TV and he gets a "mission". He has to "retrieve top secret data". Okay! That sounds reasonable. So we see him leave his lair (in an office building) and with his weird hat and even weirder outfit he sets off in a very paranoid way. Is someone following him? OH! His lair isn't in the office building, his mission is in the office building. He's already going at it. No duh I guess, it was a very fast transition. So he finds a computer by a nice lamp and an American Flag and he "accesses" the data. He's that good and that was so easy for him.

Next we see some dudes sitting around a different computer. Are they at a community college? Is this an "Introduction to Computers" class? Wait! Once U gets that data the alarm sounds and the beat drops. The students scramble! U-God has infiltrated your defenses. Why is it that the alarm flashes the regular lighting? Who knows? Maybe it's just Jason Hunter flashing the light switch.

So we have U-God in a football field (again! just like his other video) ...and we also have him in the office at the community college on his mission getting surrounded while he puts his Wu Belt Buckle in your freaking face. I'm not sure if U-God is a bad guy or what, but some people race up to him and point something at him that doesn't look like a gun. I guess it's their mood rings. U responds by throwing two Wu logos at three guys. It works: the guys hands are pushed away kind of. Then we have some "fist fighting" cut into U rapping in an elevator. Cool? Bizarre? Then U jumps on the table and disappears in a swirl of lightening. Then he does some flips on the roof, wouldn't you?

He's happy he got the data.

So then we have some more "fighting", more mood ring shooting, and some laser dodging.

Ring shoot and dodge.

Then U jumps off a building near the Empire State Building! The people chasing him might be calm, but the guy who owns the data is not happy.

Hahhaha? That guy is in big trouble now! Then U-God goes down a manhole! Is that manhole in the football field? Is that sewer bigger than your average mall? Yes to both questions! Let's move on. So the worst bad guy is on U's trail and goes right to the manhole. Then he does what we all did and laugh at the whole concept.

Hahahhaa, a manhole!
Will that guy go down there and give chase? Of course not. But now we see U going up a ladder and right back out of a manhole. Is it the same manhole? Or was it a quck in and out? Whatever it was, the elaborate escape plan doesn't work for long, there is a bad guy waiting for him right outside the manhole, so U hits him with the manhole cover. Ka-Plow! But U is surrounded (again) and goes down at the business end of a tazer (I guess, it's hard to tell). So then U's limp body is brought before that angry guy from before, but now he's happy becasue he's going to get his data back!

So then they electroude U-God's head as he sits slumped in his throne. Then some lady starts sneaking around a mansion, probably the mansion where U is being kept.

Who Dat?
She sneaks into the room where U-God is slumped? And starts fighting! Huzzah! U-God wakes up and starts fighting too! Excitement! X-Citement! Then, uh, U-God's girlfriend puts another woman in some sort of submission hold and while holding her U-God plows her face with a mega-punch...while she was being held down and unable to defend herself. Ka-Plow! Dat's Gangsta!

Then U and his girlfriend jump through a wall with an explosion of dust. Then they are in a car or something, the main henchmen is back on the case. Uh, there is a motorcycle or something. Finally, the main henchmen does like ten flips onto the football field where U has been rapping and they start the hand-to-hand combat. U-God atomic kicks him in the face with a flash of light and the video ends. Mission Accomplished!

"Our nation thanks Baby U!" - G.W. Bush, 1999

So I guess we should just summarize the everything we just saw. The long version: U-God, wearing dumb costumes, is activated to "retrieve data". He walks right up to a computer and steals the data, alerting the owner. Then, when confronted, U-God jumps on a table and teleports to a rooftop, then he jumps off of that and goes into the sewer like a ninja turtle. The main henchmen figures out where he went and ambushes him when he comes out. U-God is captured and is tortured. He comes aroound just as a woman starts rescuing him. He punches a woman who is basically defenseless in the face, then he jumps through a wall and drives off. Then he fights in a football field.

Okay, now for the short version: that was wack.

I have a lot of questions, like, for example, why didn't U-God use that teleportation ability more often? What's with all the jumping? Why is U doing missions instead of assigning missions? Did the RZA assign that mission? What was the data? Why did U break that woman's jaw? Who knows, but at lea...HOLY SHIT WE STILL HAVE TO REVIEW THE ACTUAL SONG! THAT WAS A MAJOR SIDETRACK!

EH! It's crap. I mean, the beat is not too bad...definitely the best of the album so far, but the whole thing is just kind of boring. The chorus is also the best of the album so far, but even it's just boring. So this track sucks and makes me feel bored. And the video stinks. Done. Get me outta here...

Feel the heat from the streets, I got to eat
Talk what I walk, I stomp with bronze feet
Ancient spells, yell doo rag sheet
Jump on the jam [when 36 peak]
Beat up the beat, overload rap street [kicks]
Cape in the wind like the John Woo flix
Now, [take the] spirit, crash more clearer
The spreadin of body, covers the man in the mirror
Kick down the door, unleash the Terror Fam
Cracklin', screamin', crime who I am
[We hails crush gold rush] eye on the tiger rap
Rule the rough mind snap, [fire this nine] strap
Beneath clothin, prehaps be [goalin']
The gold and wise dome poems, [blizzard unknown]
The unforbidden, got to live, wildstyle begun
To uplift the mind, boy I'll bring out the sun

[Chorus x2: U-God]
You trapped in this raps in this world bizarre
And ya hit pretty hard in the city of frauds
but uplift the mind and I heal ya scars
Cuz risk pullers small, we all shinin stars

Now, first of all, yo, we ain't no saints
Can we lay in the trench and rock the war paints?
The same villian, scheme, [pimp-agate] the rhythm mean
My self-esteem, my '98 team hit 'em
Link spot blast, even though I shot last
The underdog stranger, superfreak hot blast
The hard drop rip is a hostile swing
Kiss my Redemption with a fist full of sting
Swift with the gifts, it's the God Body Squad
It's not a myth, we defy all laws
Now, reach for the stars, now top to the limit
but, all in the all be grateful to be livin
While we work the muscle, we meditate the hustle
Serious the world, experience this struggle
The razor voice,  [flavor choice team, we steam]
We feelin calmy now to dominate the scene
The grass more green, attack speed dem
The cliffhanger vaccine, man in machine

Now from round one, mayor style sum
I won't stop the war till y'all drown in my drum

[Chorus x2]

Now, here come the rhythm, style that's moist
Now, it's up from the Hell with the olive oil voice
Now hurry my hurt, bury dirt deep within
Against witty rap war startin, robbin in the wind
Great blue skies and the great red birds
From the pitch black city with the long length verbs
Golden Arms song truly to restore the Earth's beauty
Grant me a beast, stamp kill me with the jury
When I tone a capell, Hell has no fury

A force has awakened, breath-takin vengeance
Midnight power plant, seekin the menace
My wrestlin vest, lyric fresh, dry bone
My appetite distruction is official cyclones
Thai poems, my throne
One shot deal, bigger homes, bigger stones
It's on now!!!

[Chorus x2]
Track Score: 3/10
U-God’s Score: 3/10
Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Harms

Next Week: U-God's wrath continues with the next track on the album:"Rumble"

About this series: U-God’s Resume is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

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