J Melon "Call Me Melon"

And another one. It's J Melon Bitch. Coming for you 2012.

First of all, who? J Melon Bitch? Never heard of you.

Second of all, HAHAHHA HA did you see that cover? Wow! Album cover of the year. It has bullet cylinders on cantaloupes. Let me repeat that:

Bullet cylinders on cantaloupes.

Melon! Then the triple picture! Three J Melons! And they're looking at the gunaloupes like "that's captivating". HAHAH! Then it says this:

MELON ON THE RISE

What? That is so weird. I know it's his name or something, but still, it's odd.

Can life get any better? No. Well, I see that he has a song on here called "Call Me Melon", it's track 5, let's check that out. I wonder if he is making a request like "My preference is to be called Melon" or if it's a demand like "CALL ME MELON OR ELSE". I would have a hard time calling anyone Melon. It's silly.

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Ah, this is a song where J Melon "tells em who [he is]". Dude, we can read your fucking stupid name. Plus, the song is just normal. Like he said I want to make a song like every mixtape rap song ever.

"I'll mention how good I am at fighting! And I Can't forget the ladies! I'll rap about them too! Hmmmm. What else? Ah, drugs! Everyone like that. And getting signed. How smart I am. How much I shoot. How good I rap. How much money I have. How little money everyone else has. Uh, how I drive around town...I won't mention my lack of photoshop skills....or naming myself skills."

So normal. I will call you Melon Bitch, since that's what you want to be called. I'll also call you wack (behind your back).

IN CONCLUSION: Get more creative. A lot more creative.


CALL ME MELON SCORE 0/10

Yo! Check Out My Cover: French Montana "THE ‘MAC & CHEESE 2’ APPETIZER"

This is the series of posts where I evaluate some cover art without hearing an album, and then I pass judgment on entire states. Well, we’re changing things up this time. I’ve actually heard one of the tracks off of this album (and it was awful), and when I went to pull the art I was amazed at how bad it was. This is from French Montana. A big name guy (I guess)! Why is it so bad? Let’s try to figure this stinky bastard out:

Wholly Cow! You might guess that this album is called “Black Friday” right? That was my first guess. But nope. It’s called “THE ‘MAC & CHEESE 2’ APPETIZER”. What?

Let’s start with the legend, the man himself, French Montana. Who has apparently decided to go to the worst store on earth: Best Buy. We all know that Best Buy is a nightmare to visit any time of year, but on Black Friday it’s even worse: it’s a horrible store packed to the gills with pushy cheapskates.

Actually, this sign makes me think that he’s at a Walmart…which is way better than Best Buy, but still awful.

So what is our hero doing at Walmart on Black Friday? Shopping, doy. It looks like he’s purchased a grocery bag full of Mary Jane. Wait, that doesn’t make sense. He’s in a Walmart, in the crowd, on Black Friday, at the deli…

So he’s probably buying seasoning or some shit. It’s got to be a great deal because the crowd is intense. Doorbuster shit:

HOLIDAY SEASONING, 1 POUND BAG, $1.00

It looks like he got a few bags, but he didn’t really need to rush because there are like two pallets full right behind him.

Now, I’m sure he’s somewhere cold since he’s dressed so warm. But he’s also dressed like an idiot. Dude, you’re inside a crowd. It’s hot and sweaty. Take the nerd hat off. I’m sure it was a rush to get to the deli but still, I don’t want you to have a heat stroke or something.

Now, how classy is it to get to the Black Friday Deal, get a load of discounts, and then turn around and flip off the crowd? That’s a jerk move.

Also, I see you’re at the register, but please, put your giant wad of money away and just pay with your ducking debit card. You’re holding up the line. No wonder the crowd is looking upset; some jackass is paying with cash. They’re probably yelling at him to hurry up, so he flips them the bird.

“HEY DOOFUS! HURRY UP! I GOTTA GET TO KOHL’S”
 

Finally, why are the names on the sale signs in Walmart? Do they have CD’s on sale? I think not. It’s just a stupid cover. The worst.

THE MAC & CHEESE 2 APPETIZER COVER SCORE 0/10

Yo! Check out my Cover: Ronnie Block "Swag Talk"

YO! I thought we would take a break from the election and the politics for a second a see what's really going on out on these streets. So I decided to review a mixtape cover without listening to the music. Then we can just guess what the music is like! Today we're checking out Ronnie Block's "Swag Talk", this will be so fun!

--Official Stats--
Artist: Ronnie Block
Title: "Swag Talk"
Uploaded: June 11, 2009
Spins: 750

Right away, I bet you and me noticed the same thing first (because you're very smart): THE SMART PHONE. That looks perfectly normal! The hand is a normal size compared to the body, the phone is a normal size comapred to the hand. The screen is normal. All natural.

Let me ask you this, Ronnie: why is that image on your phone? Is it an app? Is it your wallpaper? Is it a text message from DJ Tank? "Ronnie, we need to talk...swag talk." I don't know, it's a weird thing to just have on your phone.

It's VERY Common

Speaking of phones, what's up with the payphone? I haven't even seen a pay phone in years. Plus, why are you using a payphone when you have a smart phone? Also, TracFone, son, they exist. Use them.

Is that a bag of money and gold coins in there? That looks like pirate booty! Is Ronnie some kind of swashbuckler? Who in the hell uses gold coins? Did he leave them in the pay phone so that he can make long distance calls? Call collect.

Moving on to the non-phone portions of the cover. I see that you're moving a wheelbarrow full of drugs into a trailer right downtown. I would call this a rookie move. Put a cover on that shit idiot.

What if there is a gust of wind? What if accidentally tips that shit over? It's in plain view, what if ANYONE sees this? Holy crap, I have so many questions:

1. Where is he going to put that? In the truck? THE TRUCK IS FULL OF TRASH!
2. Where did he get that? The "Lambo"? IT DOESN'T HAVE MUCH CARGO ROOM!
3. Where did you find that guy? How can you trust him? He might see all the pirate booty laying around and just take a gold coin or two. To keep them safe push the coins down into the ground, make a map, and come back later. Treasure Map Shit.
4. Why isn't Ronnie watching that guy? He's seems like he's a good worker and all, but Ronnie is just fucking around on his celly. Ronnie Block is a bad people manager.
5. Is he just going to dump that load? Or is he going to bag it? ANSWER ME!

Now let's talk about all the shit piled up at the bottom of the cover.

Trash bags. Piles of powder. A gun. "Bricks". Cash. GOOD GRIEF! RONNIE WHY IS THIS SHIT OUTSIDE? It could rain. It sure as hell won't fit in the Lambo, and the tuck is full as shit.

With all that, I don't even need to mention the stack of suitcases, do I? WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT THOSE, GUYS? Once again, the Lambo is too small and the truck is full. Think, guys. Use your melons. 

Look, I have to take charge here. I can't just let this go. Ronnie, get off your fucking phone and clean up this fucking mess. Get the cash in shoe boxes, put the gold coins in a safe place and ditch the bag with the dollar sign. Drive that fucking lambo into the river and get a car that doesn't draw attention to you. How about a Buick? Wheelbarrow guy: bag all this shit up and take a stack of cash to keep quiet. From now on all business will be done inside and on TracFones, ditch your Droid, stupid.

IN CONCLUSION: Don't hire Ronnie Block the rookie to manage your job site, he's an idiot. I hope his raps are good, because his future in business is bleak (nothing to do with Memphis Bleek).

COVER ART SCORE 0/10

Buy it and lay low, stupid.

Yo! Check Out My Cover: ONE-i "The Rap Barry Bonds Flow on Steroids"

Welcome to the Tortoise General Blog! Tort Team, what? This is another post in our ongoing series which examines the cover art of mixtapes. Dumb shit! We don't listen to the album at all, we're just jerks all around with eyes that see bad covers. Enjoy.

---Official Stats---

Artist: ONE-i

Album: "The Rap Barry Bonds Flow on Steroids" (mixtape)

Released: June 1, 2009

Listens: 211

Good old One Eye. I had a dog named that once. Well, he was actually named "Max" but we called him One Eye after he chewed out one of his eyes. So sad. But what is this guy's excuse for having such a dumb great name?

"But his name is ONE-i, not one eye." - you.

Fine, but let's get to this cover. It looks pretty basic, but I think we have a lot to examine. Okay, let's start with the basic design. The corners are peeling up, indicating that this is supposed to be a poster or a piece of paper. But what is the poster stuck on? Nothing in the lower corner (just black), and a big city in the upper corner. Perfect.

Next we have ol' ONE-i gently hitting a baseball, and, of course, it's goes right for the camera and breaks a window. Now, is this window in the peeling poster, or is it outside of the poster, or does it even matter? It does look like he put a lot into that swing, and that ball is really flying. Is he even standing near home plate?

Oh, and his shirt is on backwards! Kris Kross.

AND HE HAS A DUPLICATE STANDING BEHIND HIM. Two ONE-i's! Do my two eyes deceive me? But the other ONE-i put his shirt on properly. What?

So, the rap Barry Bonds appears to have dragged a microphone out onto the baseball field. He tipped it over and then he went up for his turn at bat, where he broke a window that was two feet in front of him. Hey, ONE-i, how was that ball pitched to you? Through the window? Didn't think that one through, did you?

IN CONCLUSION: The Microphone isn't plugged in. Ol' ONE-I looks half asleep, and that baseball looks so 3-D I tried to catch it the first time I saw this image.


THE RAP BARRY BONDS FLOW ON STEROIDS COVER SCORE 0/10

P.S. Check the video at 1:00, ONE-i and see what the world thinks of your name.

Futurama
Get More: Comedy Central,Funny Videos,Funny TV Shows

"One Eye, One Eye. Stupid as a French Guy. One Eye. One Eye"

34 Tracks!

Yo! Check Out My Cover: Opposite Day



Welcome to ongoing series where we review just the cover art of mixtapes. We don't listen to the album at all! We just like to point out that a lot of the album covers are hilariously bad.

So today we'll check out some mixtape covers with Tort Team Official Ruff G., let's go.

Ruff G: Yo, yo, yo, POP!

Dag Dilignet: Yo, Yo!

RG: Yo! I got a good idea for a post.

DD: Yo, word?

RG: Check this out: We do a "Check Out My Cover" post, but we feature a good cover instead of a bad one.

DD: What?

RG: We're trying to be more positive, right? Cut back on the hate mail and death threats? Let's just find a good amateur mixtape cover, and give respect. Like an album with less than 200 listens.

DD: Not going to happen.

RG: ??

RG: What's not going to happen? The post? OR the blog respecting something?

DD: You're not going to find a good mixtape cover.

DD: Listen pal, I'm open to the idea, but I don't think that you'll find even one good cover. Not one.

RG: You're kidding right?

DD: No. I don't joke and I don't kid (jk ;P).

DD: For realz: All of these small time cats either use a shit uncreative photograph or some photoshopped garbage.

DD: OR they bite the shit out of a good cover.

RG: There are like a million small time mixtapes...you think that they are ALL BAD? ALL OF THEM?

DD: Yes. Find a good one.

RG: Hold on.......

RG: Here you go, I found it in like twenty seconds.

DD: You're joking right?

RG: Not at all. What's wrong with it?

DD: What's wrong with it!? What's good about it? Nothing. It's just normal.

RG: Yo! That's a good cover. It looks mad professional, you could see that shit at Target's music department and it would fit right in.

RG: It makes me want to check out the music.

DD: I agree that it is like a million times better than most mixtape covers, but it is also about a million times as generic as anything else - whatever that means.

RG: YO! It's got the Top Gun font. TOP GUN SON. Plus it's the "Street Album". Street albums are the best kind of albums.

DD: Agree. But dude looks like he's leaning on the railing of a boat. Disney Cruise. He's the Top Gun of the Donald Duck slide...and he's getting tired of you not enjoying the slide.

RG: Everything's a joke all the time with you. I think this is a great mixtape cover.

DD: Competent, maybe. Not great. It is very good. Do you have any more "good" ones?

RG: I DO

DD: Really? Sk8 or Die 2010.

RG: Your comment is the worst. This cover is nice.

DD: Your mom is nice.

DD: THE SAME DUDE IS DUPLICATED TWO OR THREE TIMES. Each time the hat is pointed in a new direction. It spins like the hands of a clock.

RG: The guy without the hat might not be the same guy.

DD: Oh, WORD? Plus this is bites iron (bites very hard).

RG: What's it biting?

DD: I don't know...a lot of things.

RG: Show me.

DD: Yo. It's just the style right now. EVERYONE'S DOING IT. SAME SHIT DIFFERENT MIXTAPE COVER. I'll get back to you. Anything else?

RG: ...

DD: What the hell?
RG: I like it.
DD: I do not.
RG: You don't like anything.
DD: True, but I especially don't like this. It's so in-your-face.
RG: That might be the point.
DD: This is some sort of new jack social bullshit. Fake-up to the make-up.
RG: You're an idiot.
DD: First of all. It's not while I was sleeping, there is clearly a homeless guy sleeping. Not me. I'm not even tired.
DD: Or more like a regular guy that is trying to look homless. It should be called "While this normal guy was acting like he was homeless and sleeping"...
DD: Plus, what happened while this guy was sleeping? He got homeless? Someone left him newspapers.
DD: It would be funny for Sense Wondah to pay this actor to act like he was homeless and sleeping, and then the actor was really tired and actually fell asleep (because the photo shoot was taking so long). And then he woke up and was actually homeless.
RG: Yeh. Hilarious.
DD: Or if something insignificant happened. "Hey, actor, while you were sleeping I found a fiver!"
DD: OH! SHIT: WHILE  I WAS SLEEPING SOMEONE DREW AN UNMENTIONABLE PART OF THE MALE ANATOMY ON MY FACE. <--THAT'S A COMMON ONE! College!
RG: Your mom goes to college.
RG: Maybe this means that while you were sleeping on the social problems of others, your situation got worse.
RG: You didn't care about other people and now you're screwed. You're homeless morally.
DD: Deep.
RG: I know. Maybe we should listen to the album and see if it shed some light on our questions.
DD: That is not going to happen ever. I'd rather have the anatomy drawn on my face.
RG: Of course you would.
RG: Okay hotshit. You find a mixtape cover that you like.
DD: No. This is your idea.
RG: Just find one that is passable. Remember, we're trying to be a positive force in hip hop and you've just shit on a ton of young guns.
DD: Fine...hold on.
DD: I like this one

RG: Me too.

DD: It's not the best ever, but at least it doesn't make me sick.

RG: Doesn't it remind you of Blueprint 3?

DD: Shit.
DD: I hate it now.
RG: No you don't.DD: I like it better than the Blueprint 3 cover. But I see now that it is still biting pretty hard.
RG: You will never win at anything with your bad attitude.DD: At least I won't go around biting other people's work.
RG: Really? What about this shit?

DD: Yo. When I made that banner I didn't think of The Documentary at all.
RG: Looks pretty similar to me. White Background. Fancy Rims. Biting.
DD: I used the Dayton as a sign of respect to the West Coast, nothing more. If anything, my art is respecting The Game and what he stands for.
RG: Biter.
DD: No biting Incorporated.
RG: Whatever, maybe you should give people some leeway since that's what you expect.
DD: No chance.
RG: Maybe that green Fresco cover up there was made to show respect to Jay-Z. Or maybe it was a coincidence, like your biting.
DD: This is the worst idea for a post. We're done here.

IN CONCLUSION: EVERYBODY BITES EVERYTHING.

Here are links to all the mixtapes we looked at today:
Terminal A "Street Album"
Strike One
Sense Wondah "While You Were Sleeping"
Fresco "The Influence"

CONVERSATION SCORE 0/10

Yo! Check Out My Cover: Ill Boyz "We Want In Volume 1"

This is where we review an album cover without listening to the album. So Fun!


Artist: Ill Boyz
Album: We Want In Volume 1
Available: DatPiff 
Uploaded: September 29, 2010
Listens: 140


"DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR, MOM!"
"Why not? It might be your Auntie Frita."
"NOOOOOO! IT'S THE ILL BOYZ, FIVE DRUG ADDICTS WHO ALSO RAP*!"
"Why are they here? Do they want to play baseball with you?"
"OH! Maybe. I'll just open the door and ask... ... ...YEP, they do! C-YA later mom!"
"Bye, Love you. Have fun."
"I love you too!"
"Make sure you invite the Ill Boyz back here after the game for some snacks!"
"Okay!"
*jk, addictions and rapping are editorial assumptions
Once you're done sighing so loudly, we can get on with this review. I understand that this cover is supposed to look like the view through the peephole of your front door, but I would like some clarification. First of all, why is that guy in the front holding up his fist? Is he supposed to be mid-knock? If so, he's standing way too far back from the door and looks completely unnatural. Imagine you are that guy, you are at the photo shoot for the album cover and the photographer tells you to “look like you’re knocking”. HAhhaha. Pose for the picture. Show your talent! DUMB. Then the photographer tells your crew to “stand in close” and “look bored.” HAhaha! Mission accomplished.

Second, the guy in the back with the gang sign. Stop it. You look silly. Just put your hand down and act natural. You’ve already got a prop (the bat), and interesting costuming (the hat down over your eyeglasses), you don’t need a third thing to draw attention to yourself. Some of the other guys are doing just fine without trying to draw extra attention to themselves. Just chillllll.

Third, is that guy in gray (on the far left) supposed to be in the picture? He looks lost. 

Fourth, what is that background? Clipart?

Uh, fifth, and MOST IMPORTANTLY: the Ill Boyz are clearly there to commit an act of violence, hence the baseball bats and the scowls. So, if they want in, as the mixtape title suggests, why are they all standing there looking menacing? Nobody is going to open the door to that. Even without the bats you would look like a bunch of crooks. Yo! Guys! Just kick the door in. OR, have one guy knock (and look unthreatening at the peephole) while the other guys hide. Then, when the door opens, everyone shove in, and ta-da, you wanted in, you got in. Now, go crazy with the baseball bats or rap or whatever you were planning on doing.

Otherwise, good luck with your rap careers and being ill, boys, we hope you make it to the TOP OF ILL (Illinois)! Go Ill Boyz! Get some people to listen to your work!

COVER ART SCORE 0/10

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Yo! Check Out My Cover: CAKO "The Cakeover"

Hi there. Welcome to the Tortoise General Blog! This is another post in our ongoing series which examines the cover art of mixtapes. Dumb shit! We don't listen to the album at all, we're just jerks all around with eyes that see bad covers. Enjoy.

---Official Stats---

Artist: CAKO

Album: "The Cakeover" (mixtape)

Released: January 25, 2010

Listens: 143

Let me start with a little message to all the CAKO fans out there: I mean no disrespect, I've never heard of CAKO or FOUR OH EIGHT and this cover caught my attention becasue what is that dripping off of the title? Mayo?

Well, the guy looks normal enough (is he on Storage Wars?), except for that scarf. A Scarf? What is the world coming to? Kids today right? CAKO today. I suppose that I can look past whatever fine fabrics a man drapes around his neck. Let's move on to the expression on his face. He's clearly confused. "How in the fuck did I end up here and what is this shit all around me?" - CAKO. I'm sure he's happy though. He has a ton of cake boxes filled up to overflowing with money. That's a lot of cash. Plus the boxes are nice...hearts and shark fins (for DJ KEN). It's a nice situation. Normal rap stuff. Loads of pink boxes piled all around filled with cash and a confused rapper. Perfect.

Let's see...what else. Oh! Why not get a bank account? Might I interest you in a savings account? Yields and whatnot?

Were the cash stacks obtained illeagally? Sure they were. Why not. CAKO looks shady enough for me. But why not put the cash in neat stacks? It would be easier to manage. Speaking of managing. Does CAKO manage a cake bakery? So he uses the boxes to distribute illegal money somehow? Are kids in the streets selling something then sending the cash back to him in the boxes? Or does he send out the boxes of cash from his bakery? What if a young couple came in and wanted a wedding cake, could CAKO help them out? Maybe the boxes are just for strorage of cash from his bakery. I don't know. I do know that if someone sees a cake box the're probably going to open it to get some cake. Mayby CAKO should use boxes for something people like less and aren't as tempted to open...maybe mixtape cases?

So that's it. EXCEPT FOR THE CAKE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM: WHAT IS WITH THAT ALBUM NAME? The Cakeover? That's the worst. I mean CAKO is an okay rap alias. I guess. Who cares, but the CAKEOVER is just terrible. It sounds like an ice cream flavor, or maybe a gum..i don't know. When did it become okay to be so weak on your title? How about just calling it the Takeover? That doesn't sound dumb at all. Sure it's tired, but at least it doesn't have anything to do with cake. This new genreation has me dissapointed.

Coover Art Score 0/10

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Yo! Check Out My Cover: Loady in Japan

This is where we review an album cover without listening to the album. Enjoy.

Artist and/or Album: Loady in Japan Deezy Dolla Panda

Available: DatPiff 
Uploaded: July 1, 2011
Listens: 2,456

I know what you’re probably yourself asking right now: “How will I get in touch with Dag Diligent once Google shuts down his gmail account? I mean he’ll probably overload the system with all the hate email he gets for disrespecting on this shit.”

That is a good question! But in my defense, I’ve never heard of anyone involved with this project, and I can’t even decipher the cover…so I don’t even know who I’m disrespecting this time. Honestly, none of the words on this cover belong together. Let’s just take a look at what we’ve got:

“LOADY”

“IN”

“JAPAN”

“DEEZY”

“DOLLA”

“PANDA”

What? I mean, WHAT? Uh, you guys (pictured on the cover), is “Loady in Japan” the name of your mixtape or your group, or is the mixtape titled “Deezy Dolla Panda”? They both make an equal amount of sense. Next, what is “Loady”? Slang? I guess, but still…whaaa? Why are you doing that in Japan? MAYBE KEEP YOUR LOADY IN AMERICA? USA! USA! Maybe we should see what "loady" means. Internet, help us out...it's "a person who is a habitual user of alcohol or drugs". Well that's just normal stuff I guess. I think we need more information...let's get more information from the datpiff page. Holla…

Okay, the mixtape title is “Loady in Japan” and the artists are “Panda Vuitton” and “Deezy Dolla”. So that’s sorted out. What a relief, right? Maybe not, we still have the entire cover to deal with.

So, is that Japan in the background? Are Panda and Deezy from Japan? Why does that one guy’s hat say “Kids” and what’s up with his shirt? That doesn’t look like a shirt that you would wear in Japan. Dude. Then we have that other guy in the background. You know, with the dumb hat drinking out of a red cup (sentence structure!). Why aren’t you drinking out of your friend’s Styrofoam cups? He's got plenty. Are/were you at a different party? Do you endorse the wearing of that dolphin shirt? If you do then you lose as much credibility as the wearer. What's the deal with that airplane?

So is this a rooftop party? A rooftop airplane spotting party? Now that’s a good question.

“Yo, Dizzy Dolla, let’s head up the roof and split a few boxes of Chinese food filled with wrapping paper! We can snap a pic for the cover of our loady mixtape and watch the planes fly by.”

“I’m wit it.  Where’s my Sureshot?”

“I don’t know. Yo! Wear your trademark Dolphin tank top and try to look like you’re eating something sour.”

“Done, son.”

“I’ll wear this ski hat I found in the trash and bring my own cup…when you take my picture try to catch me off guard.”

“No problemo. We’re taking it to the top of Japan, baby Panda.”

“No doubt....WHOA CHECK IT OUT A PLANE!"

Oh, was the neon font really necessary? And the airplane?

Dolphin Shirt Score 0/10

Cover Art Score 0/10

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Yo! Check Out My Cover: DJ Coppa "Stay In Your Lane Vol. 14"

Artist: DJ Coppa
Album: "Stay In Your Lane Vol. 14" (Mixtape)
Available: DatPiff 
Uploaded: October 29, 2011
Listens: 4,426

This is where I review an album cover without listening to the album. Enjoy friends.

I can't believe that I didn't find out about the Stay In Your Lane mixtape series until volume 14! I am way out of the loop. Yet I refuse to cave, I shall not listen to this album, I shall just gaze my eyes upon the cover and thusly describe my, uh, what I'm seeing. Hashtag.

So a common theme in mixtape album covers appears to be warehouses. If I were going to make an album cover I doubt I would use a warehouse, it's just weird and uninteresting (yet this blog is weird and uninteresting and I do it like sixty hours a week). In this case, even the warehouse looks computer generated. Good grief, right? Right, DJ Coppa? Is that Coppa like Copper the metal or Copper like 1930's slang for police? Good question? No great question.

Okay, so it's time to figure out who is putting out this tape. Easy right: "DJs are King.com" and DJ Coppa. Whoever those guys are. Is CJ Coppa one of those guys on the cover? Is he one of those guys on the TV screens? We may never know. Speaking of those guys on the TV screens, is that the same guy on all three screens? Are those the desktop images on the warehouse PC's? Probably not. CALL IT! Now my first thought when I saw this cover was that the TV screens were showing images from security cameras. Clearly they need security at their warehouse, I mean look at all that money and red packages, and fine luggage. I mean, DJ Coppa or whoever had better have a security service.

So now it's wild assumption time. I'm guessing that DJ Coppa is the guy on the security monitors. That means one of three things. One, he's doing some kind of security drill (doubtful) and testing the system and his security staff. OR: Two, he's robbing the warehouse (also doubtful). Finally, maybe he is installing the security cameras (again, doubtful). Why is there a different image of him on each screen, and why isn't anyone in the warehouse looking at the monitors? That's mad negligent. Oh, maybe he's waiting outside for them to come out so that he can fight them (he does look pretty mad) and they're waiting him out. "Just chillllll.....He'll leave at some point".

Okay, now for the warehouse crew who have a trashcan of cash, boxes of cash, and bags of money with dollar signs on them (LOOL).

A real thing.

Those are definitely real bags of money. When they load the ATM here at the Tortoise General Headquarters they always have a cart of those.

So one guy is reclined in the chair with his hood on. Good idea! Take a break. The other guys have nowhere to sit...which is probably why they all look mad and have their hands posed in such intimidating ways. Word. One guy has eagle pants (of course), like a thunderbird car and his shirt kind of matches. If I were making a album cover, I would definitely put him front and center because he has the best pants. Then there are a few more guys and what can I say? Chains, foam cups of grape soda, hats, and wrist watches. Normal stuff.

Someone needs to clean up that mess and then use some of that money to rent some clean office space with carpet. Real estate is cheap right now. Move up the property ladder.

So we have one happy guy in a chair, a bunch of dudes angry with nowhere to sit, while DJ Coppa is on mad security cameras waiting them out. Bogus.

Cover Art Score 0/10

Yo! Check Out My Cover: OJ Da Juiceman "I Got Tropicana Flow"

Artist: OJ Da Juiceman
Album: "I Got Tropicana Flow" (Mixtape)
Available: DatPiff 
Uploaded: March 3, 2011
Listens: 2,889

This is where I review an album cover without listening to the album. Enjoy.

Well, we all like to look at good album covers and we all like Orange Juice! So this post will appeal to everyone and probably get a million hits! And don't think that this post was paid for by BIG ORANGE JUICE BUSINESS, because it wasn't (drink tropicana!)! Okay, so let's try and figure out who is responsible for this mixtape and all the orange. I would guess OJ Da Juiceman (wouldn't you?) since it says that, but then who are DJ Envious Styles and DJ Faded? And which one of the three has Tropicana Flow (probably OJ, DUH). Now, I know what you're saying already: all of "OJ DA JUICEMAN'S album covers usually look exactly like this, so this post is dumb." And you're right! All his covers really bank on that orange juice theme, and seriously how weird is that. It's a weird gimmick, Eminem kills his girlfriend or wife or something, that's his gimmick, Snoop Dogg is drugs, and this guy is orange juice. It's a wholesome approach.


Lets break this cover down!

I see a mansion and palm trees, so that's something. Florida, I guess. Then we have a bunch of giant juice boxes. That's weird. And Waka Flocka is on there (of course), just sitting on a giant juice box and holding up a backpack (or his image was pulled from his "Ohletsdoit" video, which it was, whatever). He looks a little irritated that someone would just superimpose a construction zone safety backpack on his hand. But it must be really important to do all that photoshop work so let's just say that it's full of oranges for an orphanage.

But now we get to the main point of this review. OJ DA JUICEMAN AND HIS ORANGE JUICE NECKLACE! OH BROTHER! I mean that necklace is bananas.

HAHAHAHAH!

I'm not saying that it's not nice, but I would say that it's creepy and weird. Weird in itself, and weird that someone would (1) buy that or make it (2) wear it (3) show it to the camera all the time. I don't have a turtle necklace, but now I see what I have to do to make it in this industry (blogging), and that is get a XXL turtle necklace and flash it at every camera like a police badge.

Jewelry courtesy of Target's Dollar Spot

Wow, so that necklace really hijacked the post here. It is a great necklace, and one of many apparently, and the eyes are numbers and the mouth looks terrible. Plus it has muscles and feet! If I were making that necklace I would definitely skip the feet...and probably skip the arms. Speaking of the arms, the orange is holding the chain like a jump rope...or like he's trying to strangle OJ. Look, little orange necklace, OJ Da Juiceman gave you life, he created you so that you could have number eyes and jump rope all day. Show some respect. He's proud of you, as proud as any father could be. He kisses your straw (see photo below). Who else would do that for you? Now OJ, just keep that little guy away from water, keep him out of bright light, and noooooo food after midnight. What a happy team.

Wait, what were we talking about again. Oh yeah, the cover of some mixtape. It's terrible. There is a guy floating or something in the background. Is he an angel? And some oranges in the sky, are they fruit angels? That's all I have. Another failed post. A waste of everyone's time.

We sincerely wish OJ Da Juiceman and his necklace all the best. Vitamin C! BFFS!

Orange Juice Score 7/10

Cover Art Score: 0/10

Not weird at all.