Mixtape Review: So Motivational "The Most Skullduggery of Mixtapes"

Hellloooo! Today we're checking out a mixtape that I discovered thanks to my colleague Justa. Check out his tumblr (it's a lot better than this crappy blog - do people even have blogs anymore??? loLLL)!

Now for this mixtape. It got my attention from the cover (is that Wreck it Ralph?), but I blogged about it because of the music. Decent. Check it out.




Also, I don't now what the rapper is called or if this is from a group called "So Motivational". It's not clear. Who made this? WTFFFF is skullduggery? Nobody knows. I like my hip hop smart, but maybe dumb that word down a little bit? Does it have something to do with working in a grave yard and digging up skulls?

NO MATTER.

THE MOST SKILLDUGGERY OF MIXTAPES SCORE 7/10

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Bay Bay "Guap-A-Holic"

Sup nerds? Are you chillin’ at the D-Hall or are you up in the dorms with your slam piece? #YOLO – If you understood any of that then FUCK YOU! Get the fuck out of this blog. This shit is for the common man, not you college fuckers.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, we can begin.

Here we go again with another Tort Team mixtape review! Classic Shit! Everybody loves these except for two groups: the people who review the “music”, and the people who make the “music” and get insulted when we hate it and mock it.

Today we’re looking at “Guap-A-Holic” by Bay Bay, and I can honestly say that I’ve never heard anything off of this before. No one has.  I don’t even know where he’s from. But I do know that he’s like an alcoholic, only with guap (whatever the f that is) and with extra hyphens. Maybe a shop-a-holic? #malls

So I looked up Bay Bay’s profile on Datpiff and discovered that he is from “Cincinnati, Ohio/Nc/Florida”. So, three states.  I also noticed that he has three mixtapes on there, and this one is by far the most popular (with 270 listens). So maybe it’s his best one! I hope so, I could go for some good hip hop today.

Let’s get it.

1.Intro

“Guapamole’s on deck.” – HERE WE GO. This is just a normal intro. "Stupid" guap. Gun shots. Air Horns. Cash register sounds. Oh Brother. At least it's short.

2.Guap-A-Holic

Are you getting’ guap? Am I getting guap? I don’t know. Who in the heck is that robot talking on the track? The further I got into this song, the less I understand what was going on. By the time the beat dropped, I’d lost track of almost everything. I get that Bay Bay says that he is a Guap-a-holic, but I didn't understand much else...it’s mostly gibberish. Is your money getting stacked high, or is it steady fallin’? I don't know! Once the verse starts – I’ve got no idea what Bay Bay is talking about at all. It’s not that the slang is tricky, it’s that the production is awful and Bay Bay sounds like he has a mouth full of gravel. Hey, Bay Bay, it’s cool you use slang and all that jazz, but the listener has to understand some of what you are saying. It’s the law.

I think this song is mostly about money. Guap on guap.

“Guap-a-holic, I’m fantastic / Money super long stretched out like plastic”

Fine. Go to rehab.

3. Wow

Bay Bay takes this chorus very mellow…like he was telling it to his grandma on the phone:

“my neck like wwooowww
my wrist like wwooowww
oh you gettin mad cuz your boy likes the styyyyyle
my hat like wwooowww
my shoes like wwooowww
oh you gettin mad cuz your boy likes the styyyyyle”

Wow. When he says “wow”, I say “stop that annoying stuff”. The echo is stupid on this song, especially in the second verse. But, I'm not getting mad Bay Bay, like you thought I would. In fact, I'll call out a line that I actually like:

“My clothes super fresh, like I’m sponsored by Crest”

Good one! Well, I don’t really care about your clothes at all. In fact, I bet they’re dumb looking, but that line made me smirk. And in the end, that decent line is balanced out by this piece of shit.

“Y’all n***as rap cool, but I’m hot like a volcano”

And this:

“Canary yellow, red ruby, diamonds like tomatoes
I’m fresh to death, brown Tims look like a potato
I’m shittin on you n****s, clogin’ shit, fuck Draino
The Diamonds in my ears the same size as mangoes”

That’s fruity and stupid. A tomato red diamond is terrible. Potato shoes are terrible. Mangoes are huge. What color are we talking about here? Yellow? Red? I have to know! WTF color is a mango?

A tomato colored diamond this size is on your ear asshole?

It gets worse from there. Bay Bay sounds like he is on the other side of the room from the mic for the second verse. Plus he’s just talking played out jazz (make it rain). Please, do that (sarcastic).

4.Wow Remix

When you have a big hit like “Wow” the “fans” always demand a remix. It is odd to put the original and the remix back to back on the album, but I see why Bay Bay did it. The first time I heard the hook on this remix I almost spit out my coffee. HOLY SHIT! Bay Bay blew the fuck out of autotune. It’s hilarious. If the original version of “Wow” was too restrained this one is too over the top. I mean he blows that chorus up.

Then we get autotune for the whole song, and it is just blasted into your ears.

This is a first: I'm going to recommend this song. IF YOU WANT A LAUGH PLAY THE ORIGINAL VERSION OF “WOW” THEN PLAY THE REMIX. If you don’t laugh, then you should probably go to the doctor.

5.Swag So Stupid

It really delights me to hear a person who I have no respect for boast about how stupid his whole life is. I agree, your shit is stupid. This song is kind of nice in that way. Swagtastic. The autotune is so stupid. The chorus is so stupid. This whole album is so stupid. Fuck ya life.

6. Its' Showtime Cincinnati

Ohio has established itself as a good state for hip hop. Besides the obvious Bone Thugs, we also have the more credible Killarmy from somewhere over there. So, that’s big time. (I think Machine Gun Kelly is also from there, but fuck him). I don’t think anyone has come from Cincinnati specifically though. So I guess this is showtime. I’ve said it before, if you're calling out your home as the focus of a track, you had better go big. You are representing a lot of people. This song will be my first exposure to Cincinnati rap. Don’t screw it up.

OH WAIT A MINUTE. Hi-Tek is from Cincinnati and he’s a fucking master. He’s made several of my all-time favorite beats, so if this song is bad it will only tarnish his city.

And, guess what: THIS SONG IS A DISASTER. Bay Bay delivers the chours like hes yawning. Where is that energy from the Wow Remix? Let's take a look at the Cincinnati boasts, "it's showtime 'nati - I ain't talkin HBO"...

"My city dirty, but we clean like H2O" - what?

"Steady grind, put it on for my state /

my city eatin' good, takin' scraps off ya plate" - neat.

 

"My city gon' be good (Nah!) / my city gon' be great (Yeah!)/

this is our year / big up Ohio State

I'm gettin' hella bread / I'm gettin' hella guap

What's my city home? My city can't be stopped "- so cool

All of that is from the first verse. So then we have another listen to the (terrible) chorus, then Bay Bay just kind of rambles about how he needs a second verse, but he doesn't deliver one. The beat just kind of rolls on for like a minute straight. So Bay Bay gave up. He did it half-assed.

WAY TO REPRESENT YOUR CITY!

7.Pills Burry

Pills Burry? Like Pillsbury! "Let the making begin". Poke that little dude in the stomach. Hahaha! Splendid!

Air horns! Gun Shots! DJ Marrow gets big respect at the beginning of this track from whoever the hell is talking! And I'm glad to DJ Marrow as well, even though I don't know who he is. At least this track has some energy. And lot's of money talk. Money! Money! Money! Money Money! Money! THIS SONG IS ABOUT MONEY!

Bay Bay isn't making it rain, he's making it STORM! NO DUH!

The chorus sounds like it's saying that Bay Bay is "eating" money. DO THAT! Choke on it.

So this is a normal song, the best so far, but still pretty dumb. Unless you like hearing about someone talk about clothes, which I do not.

Now the last guy to rap on here has a very annoying voice.  Is Chris Tucker on here? With his joke voice? I doubt it, but he does say

"Money got me comfy / My chain is retarded,
they call my diamond dummies"

Skip this track!

8. Pop Lock An Drop It Freestyle
I love freestyles. When a talented dude drops one, it's like magic. But they're like poison on rookie mixtapes. They make a guy who already sounds awful look dumb too. Let's see if Bay Bay can do it.

Nope. He sounds confident, but his rhymes stink. In fact there aren't many rhymes on here at all. Oh wait, the first guy isn't Bay Bay! That joke was on me. Mybad.com. Who rhymed first? Noody knows! Well, whoever it was, that guy can't rhyme. The second guy (whose voice sounds bad) is Bay Bay, and does a lot better, but his shit is clearly pre-written. Step ya freestyle skills up, boys.

9.Off Da Meter

A Rasta jump off and a hook that sounds a little more professional than the norm for Bay Bay? What is this? Did Bay Bay get some str8 talk? Did he get scared straight by some older rappers who have already been spit out the tail of rap? Even Bay Bay's first lines are okay:

"Black beater, yeah I'm fly like Peter Pan
Keep a tool on my waist like a meter man.
And fuck a bulletproof vest, I'm shootin head shots
have ya brain hangin from your head like dreadlocks"

Not bad! But still this song isn't that good. Bay Bay just doesn't have the delivery skills. I think he needs a little bit better beat, and a lot better finishing. But otherwise this is the best song so far, but it's still not good.

Eh, and the Foghorn Leghorn clip at the end needs to be ejected.

10.Im Still Fly
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is the beat and hook from the Drake song of the same name. It's so dumb. Bay Bay does okay, but still - expand ya subject matter, sir. This whole thing is a disappointment - and that's really saying something for someone who I expect to fail at everything.

Bay Bay mentions that he is "strapped like a car seat", which is okay, but at the end of the verse he says that he stays "strapped, call me same sex", and I don't know what that means exactly, and I don't want to know.

Also, Bay Bay, what cities are you shutting down?

Other than that, you can skip this song and move on with your life and you won't be missing anything.

11.Let Me Hold Suhn
Hi! Is "hold shun" supposed to be like hold something, or hold son? What is your customer service hotline number so I can ask?

Let me tell you right off, reader, that you're not going to like this at all. Besides a loop that sounds like it was taken from Tron and fucked up, it also features Bay Bay's "homegirl", "Little Miss" from "California". And she's on almost the whole shit. Not much rapping! And guess what: Little Miss has the best song. In fact, she's the high point of the album. She sounds good on the beat. If you could just get Bay Bay off of this shit you'd be in good shape!

12. Bitch I Got It
Oh no. What is this Kreayshawn? V-Nasty? Now we've got rookies copying that shit. I STAY HATIN THAT MESS. You can take this song and jettison it into space. Ejection. What a crap shoot. And by that I mean shit shot into my ears. Fuuuck this. I'm hoping that BAY BAY can save this one, but that's like hoping that Gargamel will save the Smurfs. He isn't going to help - he's going to fuck everything up.

Well, Bay Bay does exactly what I expected - he Hurricane Katrina's this shit with autotune. It's so overwhelming and awful that you just want to get it over with and move on. When the auto-tune levees broke.

13. my chain got pneumonia

HOLD ON BAYBAY, pneumonia is a serious medical condition. Pneumonia is the leading cause of death  in all age groups, especially in children under five and the elderly. Pneumonia kills 4 million people a year, and most of them live in poverty. So: clever title, Baybay’s chain has pneumonia, and so does 150 million children in the developing world.  Baybay’s chain is sick, and 30% of small children sick with pneumonia will die. YOU NAILED THAT TITLE.

What was I saying again? Oh yeah, your song sucks. Don't worry about putting this on your greatest hits CD Bay Bay.

14.Till I Fall
How in the fuck can you fall when you haven't even been up yet? So far Bay Bay has bit every shitty rap move that a person could bite, so why not take a chomp off of "chopped and screwed"? Take a big juicy bite Bay Bay. Sink your teeth in. Copy some established shit. 

Bay Bay, you weak ass fucking clown, can you make a song without sounding like everyone else. Are you trying to be popular? "AH YEH BAYBAY IS AS GOOD AS DRAKE OMG #YOLO" - kids. This is almost the last song on here and I can safely say that your whole shit is wack.


15. Outro
Well, Bay Bay told us that we were going to feel this. He lied. I felt disappointed with the direction that hip hop in general is going. I felt bored. I felt irritated.

Bay Bay says that this is a movement. It is not. Trash rap is a movement, and you're definitely hanging onto that like a crab.

If I were from Ohio I would be ashamed of this shit. Please sign out. Sign out forever.



IN CONCLUSION: Why would someone put airhorn in every song? Why would someone put autotune in almost every song? Immature? Head Injury?
Lack of talent? Sure all of those things.

I think this should be retitled Fake-a-holic.

When you spend your life coping other people, it's because you're afraid to be yourself. Who are you trying to impress Bay Bay? Really think about it. Why did you make this? Do you want people to respect you the way that they respect Drake? Do you have a hole inside you that you can't fill? Listen, buddy, trying to be someone else won't help. Tattoos won't help. Cars and money won't help. You have to figure this out for yourself. Go to therapy.

Bay Bay, please try to work through your self esteem issues, but don't do it on wax.

GUAP-A-HOLIC SCORE 0/10

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Yo! That's a Mixtape: Mikkey Halsted "Castro"

I'm a keep it short and sweet. This shit is dope. Check it out.

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IN CONCLUSION: If you read this blog regularly you'd think that there is no longer any good hip hop dropping. That's mostly true: most of the shit coming out is weak. This is good as hell. Strong shit! An exception to the norm.

Also, if you sample Biggie at any point you get an automatic boost in your score by at least a point (the sample has to be dope though).

CASTRO SCORE 9/10




#SALUTE



Yo! That's a Mixtape: RAIG ENT. "New York State of Mind 2009 / 5 LEAKED TRACKS"

Stop. SPOILER ALERT! This mixtape is 5 LEAKED TRACKS! Stop everything!

If you want to be surprised by whatever this is, STOP READING NOW! Also, if you expect this post to be written at a fourth grade reading level or better: STOP READING NOW!!! As for the tracks: who leaked them? The MEDIA? Bloggers? The Triad? Who knows? But they're out there now, and we'll have to deal with it.

WAIT, MORE!! We have another problem: THIS MIXTAPE HAS 7 TRACKS EVEN THOUGH IT SAYS 5! STOP THE PRESSES! We don't have presses! 

If you're uncomfortable with either of those facts, go ahead and leave. MOVE! Get out the way. Otherwise, we're finally reviewing "New York State of Mind 2009 5 Leaked Tracks (Featuring The Cipher: CEO of Real As It Gets)" presented by "Real As It Gets Entertainment"!

We've got to get going on this bad boy, I don't even have time to type this sentence!

Let's skip the bullshit. I don't know anything about this guy or anyone associated with this music. I've never heard any of this before, so I'm a rookie to this crap. I assume he/they are from New York. Here are some people who might have put in work (guessing): Ryan G, Slim Goody, & Sterling Reynolds. All your favorites! The leaked tracks mixtape is from 2009 and it has less than 100 listens. So fun.

One final thing, this mixtape might be called "New York State of Mind 2009" but I don't think that it's a follow up to "N.Y. State of Mind" by Nas. That song came out way back in 1992 before any of these gentlemen were born. But at least we have an idea where our subjects are coming from creatively (the cesspool). Not to mention that Jay-Z came out with a song called "Empire State of Mind" in 2009! Same thing. And Billy Joel came out with a terrible song called "New York State of Mind" in like 1945. So Cipher is just churning up old shit by biting Nas,  Billy Joel, and Jay-Z. WACK.

Enjoy the review:

1. "Want You Forever" - The Cipher ft. Ryan G
PLEASE, oh please, I hope this isn't a love song. You don't start your album with a love song. Glaaak, it is! They started the mixtape with a love song! "OH NO YOU DIDN'T" - Tyler Perry and everyone else.

The beat is sooo smooooth. It's "shit you ride to" as someone talking on the album suggests (with a lot of echo). Why is it that these amateur rappers use so much echo?

The first guy on the mic sounds a little lost, and he kicks off the album by saying that he "displays" emotions "like a trophy". Really? He might mean that he displays ladies like a trophy after he plays with their emotions, but that's not what he says. Besides that, the rest of the first verse is almost indecipherable. "But how is the chorus?" you ask. Well, here it is, decide for yourself:

"I try to make it up to you / I want you forever (x4)
Cuz if it didn't happen / then you recognize my treasure"

Hahaha? HAHAHAH! FAIL BLOG.COM. What a joke. Was someone singing on there? HAHAH! Stop it. You sing terrible. The second verse isn't much better than the first. In fact, it's MUCH WORSE. I can't even understand that guy at all. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED WITH THE PRODUCTION ON THE SECOND VERSE, KIDS? It's so bad that I'll just skip it and only repeat what I can clearly understand:

"...that I got from overseas....forty five keys /
on my own private ship, yeah we ballin' bitch /
haters... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...
... ...good / picked up a pen they thought I wouldn't make it /
... ... upside down ... ... ... like I'm sittin' on muffins /
... ... .."

Awful. Awful. Awful. 3 awfuls.

2. "Do Ya Thang (Freestyle) - Ryan G

Do my thang? DO  MY THANG? How dare you talk to me like that, Ryan. You do not tell me what to do. Do your own thang, a-hole. What do you have to say for yourself now?

Let's check the track: Here's the start

"YAH! WHUSS HAPPENNINN?? . . . My n---a smell goody on the track. YA. Ruluzz a Blizz bag less go."

Then the beat drops, the verse starts, and nothing happens...no rapping. What? Then in the back I hear someone saying that they're "checking to see if [their] levels are right". WHAT? DO THAT FIRST? AND THEY WEREN'T RIGHT BTW. Listen, nobody smells goody on a track when your levels are wrong and you miss your start.

Finally we start, and the verse isn't that bad! I mean, I always have a problem with small timers who act rich on a shit mixtape. It's a crock of shit. But the rhymes aren't that bad. The beat goes on for a really, really long time with no rapping....so that might be a problem. Either shorten up the track or lenghten up the rhymes. Shit, do another verse. Don't just let the beat ride out for three fucking minutes. Jerks. FREESTYLE MORE. AND SMELL MORE GOODY MAYBE?

3. "Get This Money" - The Cipher ft. Ryan G

ANOTHER SMOOTH SONG. ":(" - my face.

Hello! THIS SONG IS SINGING! HAHAHAHAH! YESSS!!! This is the best. People who can't sing, and seriously make an effort and singing, is my favorite kind of singing. AND THESE GUYS SUCK AT SINGING! Why record yourself singing when you're the worst singer?


"♩  ♬ Get this money...Gotta get this goddam money
You know it controls me, baby...Gotta get this goddam money ♪ ♫ "

"Mercy me!" That's hilarious. Guys. Stop. Stop everything. No more singing. No more echoing, no more rapping. The first verse is competent enough, the second verse is crazy. It's like Skee-Lo raps 2012. Awful.


So we've got bad singing + Skee-Lo raps + some jackass talking over the track (at the end) trying to be like Puffy. It's a joke. So is this:

 

"Cash rules everything around me...CREAM get the money

Real as it getz y'all"

Perfect.

4. "Stay Focused" - The Cipher
How did this leak? The word "leak" suggests two things: (1) the public is very interested in the work, to the point that they can't wait for the release date; (2) someone on the inside something, something. Who cares? This shit wasn't leaked. But maybe this song is, in fact, good enough to leak...let's listen.

"See everybody got a trade man...everybody might be...
You know what I'm saying?
Somebody might be a dope boy, you feel me?
Somebody might hoot.
Somebody might be in school, man.
But you feel me? Everybody gotta get grimey with that shit, dog.
Everybody do something man, you feel me?
While some n----s trap, I might be on the court.
While some n----s trappin, I might be in the bricks.
But everybody got a trade, don't look down on my n---- for that.
Shit. You feel me? Get grimey, n----."

My trade is reviewing rap, and , son, I get mad grimey. I'm so deep they got a lifeguard on the side in case some weak ass clowns wade out here and get in over their heads. Don't look down on me for that. It's what I do. Fuck up weak raps and trash beats on the daily.

Gess what? We have a trash beat and lousy production. The lyrical content is above the musical content, but I don't think that you should be calling yourself a "CEO" if your not actually running some sort of company (you know with revenue and leverage and employees and shit). More people would like your music if they could relate to you. I appreciate the lines about, uh, working on your lines...that's good stuff and your work shows. But you gotta work on your production.

Once again we have a chorus featuring singing. And, hahahah. Seriously, HAHAHAH! You gotta stop the singing. Nobody wants to hear that.

Then the track ends with some talking about how you "gotta stay focused". First of all that's not really novel advice. It's just normal common sense. Plus, don't give people advice on how to make it when you yourself haven't made it. And, yo, this is very crappy advice: "don't let nobody take you out your comfort zone". Maybe focus on smartening up, The Cipher.

5. "I Ball" - T Lo
Who doesn't ball? I don't. Most people do, I think. Do you ball? Sure. What is balling? I don't know for sure. Let's ask T Lo!

Oh my. What is going on with your voice T Lo? You sound terrible. It sounds like something is getting coughed up during the chorus. Now these lyrics might not be 100% correct (because they are tough to understand), but we'll do our best...
 

"YA!

I show at, and throw at

airythang...

kid want airythang, kid get nay

Ya hear me? I . . . I . . . I . . . ball (hey whatchu doin?)

I . . . I . . . I . . . ball (hey whatchu doin?)"

Eh. You talk about how much things cost, lots of drums....what are you talking about T Lo? The CLUB? Poppin' BOTTLES? LAMES being MAD? CASH? WEAK SHIT? SWAG? A CHAIN? SHORTY? GUCCI Bag? KICKS? T-SHIRT? PAPER? GAME? Never CHANGE? SO MANY NUMBERS! ALL CAPS!

Good topics. So fresh. Farmer's Market.

6. "Rule the World" - The Cipher ft. Lazarus
From the first few notes it's clear that this song is going to be a delight. So smooth. Sooooooo Smooooooth. That is until some jerk yells "REAL AS IT GETS!". Once the song starts there is no way that anyone could hear anything on this track but the shitty beat. HOLY SHIT. What sound is that? Keyboard obviously, but why use it?

The rapping sounds like so much work. I mean these guys sound weighed down by their words. The goal of this track is okay, I mean, it's a social track. Fine. I like those, but these guys might not have the knack. Whatever that means.

 7. "By Way of Expression (Freestyle)" - The Cipher

Last song! (Air horn)!

Piano. Coughing. It's going to be a deep track. Maybe will we hear some singing? Not yet. But wait. The piano is a little lame, and the keyboard is way too much, but the drums are good. Nice beat!

One verse and that's it! So easy! How was it? Bad - NO DUH.


IN CONCLUSION: We did it! We reviewed "New York State of Mind 2009 / 5 LEAKED TRACKS"! It gave me an appreciation for my free time and how I could be doing other things besides listening to straight sewer trash. And whoever put this album together, YOU could be doing so much more with your time besides making "music". How about just not rap? Try it!


NEW YORK STATE OF MIND 2009 / 5 LEAKED TRACKS SCORE 0/10

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Yo! That's a Mixtape?

Editor's note: This is a rewrite of a mixtape review we accomplished at some point in 2011. The artist requested that we take down our negative review of his mixtape or he would contact "higher authorities" (like God?). Hahaha! What a pansy! If you don't want a negative review then don't make awful hip hop. Right? AND don't post it on the largest mixtape sharing site around, dumbass. Anyway, we took it down! But it's back baby, but since the artist pulled his own awful mixtape off the internet, and asked us nicely (at first), we are removing all specific references to the artist and his work. So this is the most worthless post we've ever done. Enjoy!



Yo! That’s a Mixtape: (title removed at request of artist) 

--Official Stats--
Artist: Removed (It was a really common name that a Meth addict would give an unwanted kid, followed by a really dumb "street name").
Title: "Removed" (It was realllllly dumb)

Uploaded to DatPiff: Removed (about four years ago)

Listens: Very few, less than fifty

Artist Aliases: A really stupid variation of his already stupid rap name. Stupid!
Affiliations: Arby's

Location: A rural area of an eastern state

Editor's note: We'll call the artist "Bunko" just so I can call him SOMETHING in this review. Bunko is not his real name.

 “Bunko, where have you been?” – Bunko's mom (not hip hop fans).

It’s no secret that one of my favorite elements of hip hop is MCing. It's the best. There’s not much that can top hearing an established MC tear up a track. But one thing that might be a little better is when a guest appearance by a small time MC blows your mind. We've seen it tens of times: a single good verse by a small time cat turns into a career. It feeds the beast of hip hop through cross promotion and makes the whole genre better. Cool for that. On the other end of that spectrum are the kids in the suburbs who upload mixtapes that they made in their nice house mansion using their Rockband microphone for fun. These are not serious MCs, they are misguided morons who think that anyone can rap. Bunko is one such moron, as proof he describes his debut mixtape as follows:

 a few tracks i recorded with my rock band mic and audacity.
nothing to special just tryna b heard

Yep.  Because anyone can rap with any kind if equipment, right?  If you’re talented it will shine through, no matter what video game accessories you use as recording equipment. Right?  That’s how the RZA started out, RIGHT?  I assume by "audacity" Bunko means the freeware (that usually includes a capital letter, Bunko), but I would point out that it takes audacity to put your name on a mixtape this bad.

Now, I know it’s kind of unfair for a seasoned idiot like myself to review someone’s hobby, but that’s my job.  If you don’t want it reviewed, don’t upload it to a public site.  Obviously Bunko thinks he has something special here and he is “tryna b heard”, so, dream come true time. Ya heard!

For the record, I’m not out for blood. If a track is good, I’ll give it the respect it deserves. That's how I roll. Credit where credit is due or whatever.com. However, if something catches my ear as being a little off, I’ll call that out as well. I’m taking into account all of the elements of hip hop, and I’ll just go ahead and spoil this for you now: Bunko is terrible. I would use a word worse than terrible if I could, but I’m not that smart (you can go to thesaurus.com if you want, I don’t have time).  

So, here we go. Bunko is bad at making up rhymes, his flow is appalling, his beat selections are questionable, and his topics are juvenile. This album sounds like it was made using a Rockband mic and audacity freeware (by someone without talent).  

“Ouch,” you say, “But, he's just a kid!  A sensitive one at that.”

To which I reply, “How can someone have bad beats on a mixtape? They can pick any beat they want? ANY BEAT. What about Rump Shaker? That’s a good beat.  It’s instantly familiar, nostalgic, easy to amp up, and easy to spit over.” Not into Wreckx-N-Effect?  Then use Ghetto Jam by Domino. Same Difference, Bunko. You see, Bunko’s beats are so bad that it’s like he wanted to fail at this.  He wanted this to be mocked on the Tortoise General blog!  Well guess what Bunko, YOU GOT IT.

So let’s examine his selections:

Thankfully, Bunko decided to keep it light and only offer five tracks:

1. “Hear Them Calling (Remix Ft. Kid Cudi)”

Our friend Bunko takes the lackluster beat from I Hear Them Calling by Kid Cudi and rhymes over it. Bunko demotes Cudi from “copyright holder” to “featured guest” and proceeds to ruin everything by adding a few verses to the track (which originally appeared on Cudi’s “Nasa Music 2: Space Dreams Mixtape” (seriously, that’s a mixtape name)). I’ve got to point out that this track is terrible to begin with, it is nothing anyone would ever listen to, much less use as the first beat on a mixtape. A point for Bunko though: the official version is basically an instrumental, so it was probably easy to finish…so, nice efficiency, maybe he should go into business management.

Our first exposure to Bunko as an MC is abysmal. His first verse is a poorly written verse about writing verses. Get it? The second verse is about how lonely our host is, and how it’s driven him to, uh, not do anything. “I’m done done, so my best bet is to run run.” Hahahhahaha!

Kid Cudi and Eminem are rolling over in their grave over this one (not the same grave). Eminem produced the original.

2. "Red Skys"

Skys or Skies, the choice is yours. Wow, so Bunko starts out with some big observations, some big questions, and some unintelligible mumbling, but this is what I got: everyone is fake, and "what is life all about?". Okay, thinking big! Once the music starts (Brandon Heath's terrible "Red Sky" on krunk) Bunko has the opportunity to spit from the heart. I gotta say that Bunko is probably going through some tough times (suburban teenager stuff) and doesn't really know how to express himself because this track is a cry for attention: "look what I've been through, I'm important, listen to me, etc".. Sure, that's what a lot of music is, but Bunko is so straightforward with his raps that he comes off as desperate.

Verse 1: Bunko responds to being "laughed at and questioned" by challenging his unnamed nemesis to keep talking because "your mouth is your only weapon" and "talk is cheap". But maybe the words have hurt him more than he let on because he mentions that he "was flyin' until somebody clipped [his] wing." Turns out Bunko is depressed, he ends the verse with some self pity, but he is also able to fondly reminisce "I remember smiling when I got them sideburns, I remember sayin' fuck the world, it's my turn." Your turn for what? Sideburns? Making bad mixtapes.

Verse 2: Bunko lists his friends, notes that it's hard to tell who's fake, then connects that to the murders of Biggie and Pac and the current state of hip hop. Of course!

Verse 3: This is literally a cry for help. "Even myself doesn't know me / so now I'm at the bottom feelin' lonely / people always threatening me". Editor's note: I'll also add this on there: his cry for help is met with ridicule from the worst blog on the internet, this one.

3. "I cried Today"

I can already tell that we are continuing to walk down depression street with Bunko. This time I'm not going to track down the beat. Needless to say it's a stunningly generic melancholy piano, which perfectly fits a song about a broken family, which this is (I think). Now, I'm not going to dive in too deeply (after that last song I just don't have the energy), but I think Bunko needs a parent or some kind of elder to take an interest in him and guide him. Mentor him. I'm not up for the job (did you see that album cover...I would be in way over my head), but you might be. You could say, "hey kid, give up on the rapping, improve your photoshop skills, and stop eating at Arby's." This is your chance to make a difference, you could turn Bunko's tears to confidencence!

4. “Darkness”

Really? Another depression track. A mournful synthesizer provides the canvas for Bunko to sing about depression stuff, with some ill advised self harmonizing. In his Bone Thugs-flow raps Bunko misses the good old days, you know, last year when he was fourteen and elaborates on his situation at home (divorce and "creepy" boyfriends). Sheeeesh, uh, skip.

5. "She Was Only Fifteen"

A happy guitar! Bunko giving advice! Maybe things are looking up for Bunko! He's obviously in love and wants a certain young lady to give up on her current boyfriend and take a look Bunko's way. The lyrics are complex to say the least: "If I tell you 'I Love You', you better believe it. Cuz' your only fifteen you don't gotta believe it". Whhaaaatttt? It's a lot of that. Terrible. TERRIBLE. THESARUS.COM: abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awful, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing, dread, dreaded, dreadful, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hideous, horrendous, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, vile (that goes for the whole album).

IN CONCLUSION: I’m sorry Bunko, you're probably a good kid. I know this might be the only review your debut mixtape will ever get and it’s not very good (I mean both my writing and your album). So, don’t show this to your friends in homeroom. Oh, and get a mentor. Maybe a non-rap related hobby that you can take up with an adult, like chess or movies. I don't know. Good luck with the rest of high school (or your GED, whatever).

Also, Audacity is the worst for allowing things like this to be made. Shame on you, Audacity. For shame.

Score: 0/10


After seeing his 0/10 score (or at his tenth birthday last year)

Editor's note: We're happy to remove any post at any time.

I want to point out this tape was four years old when we reviewed it.  The guy who made it had clearly grown up and no longer stood behind this work (I don't blame him cuz it sux). However, the way he approached us to take this down contained the same cowardace and timidness that drew our attention to him in the first place. He cried his way through this mixtape, and then he came crying to us to take down our review. I guess some people never change. So, to the real Bunko: GROW UP. Know this: if this one offends you somehow, we'll only take it down if your mom contacts us, but I'll tell you this: she didn't seem to care last night.

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Daniel Joseph Miller, Comedy Collection



The Weird Al of Hip Hop




It's time to take a break from all the hatin' we do around here and just have a laugh. Hip hop is usually very serious and it's about time that someone decided to have a little fun and lighten up. That someone is Daniel Joseph Miller*, a native of Missouri who decided to record a few fun tracks just so that we can have a laugh and then get back to our terrible lives reviewing real music.
*Not to be confused with the legitimate (and dope) Newark MC Daniel Joseph


So who is Daniel Joseph Miller (who I will now call DJM)? Who knows? He doesn't have a bio, so all we have is the photo posted above and his hilarious Weird Al rap parody music, which I will review here. He didn't even post it in a mixtape, he just uploaded song by song on SoundCloud. So this post shouldn't really be titled "Yo! That's a Mixtape", it should be called "Yo! I found a bunch of your songs". Same difference incorporated.

So kick off your shoes, turn up your headphones, and don't drink any milk because it will spray out of your nose from laughing!

Let's go! DJM in the PLACE:

1. "Peso5"
Hahahahahahhahah! See what I mean? Right away you can tell that DJM has a natural comedic sense. The long pauses over the stolen beat are too funny. The vocal production and the crappy beat are almost too much. DJM, just sign up for Def Comedy Jam now. You're a shoe in!

"I come from the 'burbs / ain't nothin' wrong with that

big house, nice cars / my pockets still fat, bitch"

Hahaha! If you have a "big house" and "nice cars" then I think it's safe to say that your pockets are, in fact, fat. That's like normal people saying that they "barely make it check to check" and that they "have trouble feeding their kids".  Classic LOL.

Peso5 by Daniel Joseph Miller


2. "MGDM"
"OKAY! Oh shit." - DJM. I don't think a voice could sound worse over a beat then what we have here, but I think that's part of the joke: "How bad can we get?". Very bad! The voice control is very funny and very bad, the lyrics are funnier, but the joke is taken to the next level when the song just kind of cuts out mid-line. It's like a dramatic pause, but its played perfectly for laughs.

"Got the city on my hat, wear it 'til I die.

If you don't know, you won't know

steady ridin' always on the look-out

reside in the G / hope in the G

bitch you know me

Getin' buckets / just say fuck it"

LULZ!

MGDM by Daniel Joseph Miller

3. "Tired"
"They're always talkin' shit" - DJM. I KNOW right! This song is full of double-time rapping and long stretches of no rapping. Plus lots of talk about freestyling and throwing up. Hahaha! DJM you nasty!


Tired by Daniel Joseph Miller

 4. "Freesty"
Well, just when I thought that the jokes could go no further I see that our friend has taken the beat from K$ Kreayshawn's "Gucci Gucci" and decided to show her how we all feel about her: her work is a giant joke. Yo! Let's kick that freesty. I'll give it to DJM, this makes K$ sound like KRS-ONE.

"Dude thought he was a beast

but it's misspelled, but I correct him

before I called him bitch"

That might be good, but this is better (it's the chorus, and it's the funniest thing ever in the history of this blog (also, I may not be quoting all of the lyrics quite right - the production makes it hard to hear)):

"DJ Mitch is in the building and we're throwing up

Got that STL tattoo and I'm throwing up

bitches all over me like I'm ratted up

bitch I'm tatted up...are you tatted up?

Tat, tat, tat me up

every day I'm tatted up

every day I'm getting new shit

will you hit me up?"

Wow. It's just great, and it just goes on and on with the jokes. MDJ is terrible at using profanity, plus he blatantly takes Odd Future lines just to show us how stupid this whole system is.


Our hats are off to you MJD - this is too funny.

Freesty by Daniel Joseph Miller



5. "Free"
I honestly need a bit of a break from the laughing, but MDJ would never allow that: "Party, party, we came to party - you got the guap, I got the hotty". That's good, this is better: after one of his trademark silences he slams us with this:

"So you scared, huh? Don't be a bitch.

I heard you snitch, now don't twitch, unless your brain's out"

Conclusion: this is great. It's like Ali G is in da house.

Free by Daniel Joseph Miller

 6. "Hope"
This is the same song as the previous track, maybe some of the lyrics are updated, and the title is different. But I don't know. I guess the joke is that it's the same song a second time. Not that funny. KEEP YOUR JOKE GAME UP DJM and quit being abstract. I do like that the song ends with DJM asking "Yo! Who's that?" Then answering himself "DJ Mills..........DJ Mills". Okay! I'll take your word for it (is DJ Mills sneaking in your house?).

Hope by Daniel Joseph Miller


7. "Sick Rap"
I would guess that DJM is using this song to make fun of people who have a bad break up and then make a song about their ex out of anger and the song sounds terrible. Nice observation DJM! A lot of mixtapers have really bad songs about ex girlfriends and how they'll be back. It's a classic rookie mistake and perfect to parody. Good joke DJM? I don't know.

Sick Rap by Daniel Joseph Miller

8. "Pause1"
Well, DJM is back at his old tricks: once again, this is the same track as the previous one, but this time the beat sounds unfinished. That's exactly how all the terrible mixtapes are: bad at beats. You've nailed it again my friend. Also, DJM is again confused at who his DJ is, but he clarifies it for himself just like last time.

Pause1 by Daniel Joseph Miller

9. "Tyrell"
Now we make fun of sex raps. Most of them are pretty bad (unless your name is Ghostface) but this song takes it to a whole new level of awful. Pretty funny dude.

Tyrell by Daniel Joseph Miller


10. "Ain't messing with me"
Between the last track and this one I took a bit of a break and wondered what DJM could make fun of next. That Bone Thugs flow? Maybe? European rap? I wish. I didn't even consider that he might take confusion to the next level. This is ugly funny:

"Call me Pac Man...DJ Enuff

You ain't fuckin' a real dude, you fuckin me.

What the fuck? I'm extra-ordinar-E.

You ain't fuckin' with a real dude like me

bitch come and get it, I'ma let you get it"

Is he real or not. Hahaha. I guess not.

"I'm an OG. Roger That!

Fuck you mean? FUCK YOU MEAN?"

Good questions? No, great questions. Great song.

Aint messing with me by Daniel Joseph Miller

 11. "NIKE"
I'm sure that both Nike and myself are interested to hear what DJM has in store with this song. Will it make a mockery of songs about shoes? Probably. Let's find out. Well, we start with a sample of Nas' "Nikes on my feet keep my cipher complete", and it's pretty dope - Whoa - stay focused, DJM.  Try to keep it wack. I hope this song brings the funny like a NBC sitcom and the rest of this collection. Whew, this is a dumb song after all. Some braggin' about shoes or something, it's upper-level comedy. I agree with DJM: people who make songs about shoes are the worst; we should all make fun of them. As usual, the jokes are taken to the next level with DJM spitting the most bland chorus in his most unenthusiastic voice:

"yo. watch Nikes man.

yo. watch the, watch the Nike's man.

yeh. watch Nikes man.

watch the, watch the Nike's on my feet.

watch the Nike's on my feet."

So dumb. Also, so nailed it, comedy club.


NIKE by Daniel Joseph Miller

12. "I Do It Remix"
DJM makes fun of another classic rookie mistake, the remix of a song that nobody has heard. Great. And as usual, very funny lyrics:

"If you coming, come and get it / too legit to quit"

It's line after line of comedy gold, here are some examples:

"They say I'm a wigger, but ain't scared of a trigger"

also

"I'm about to go off, spreading like a cough, better yet a yawn.

Keep listening gonna be drunk cuz I am artist

yeh me the smartest" 

Plus, our friend claims to be repping both STL and CHI! HAHA! Great. It just doesn't stop:

"Fuck it. Come and get it,

If you want it, I'ma split it. Yeh that wig.

Find that, el-ick, uh...oil rig"

What more can I say?


I do it remix by Daniel Joseph Miller




13. "Racks 1"
More of the same and DJM ends big. Actually, I think that this is another version of another song in the collection, but who knows? It's just a joke song and not that important (or good). I guess we gotta publish some quotes:

"What is up? You ain't never seein' me

You got the money man..........

You ain't seein' me, and I'm a get that STL-la up

Yeh, you know I got that fitted,

Yeh you know I snap that too."

More...

"You know how I do it, this ain't Wendy's

I ain't rollin' them stacks, cash stacks"

We'll wind this up with a classic quote: "Eat that shit like cat food" - DJM.




Racks 1 by Daniel Joseph Miller




In Conclusion:
Wow! What a breath of fresh air. Very funny fresh air. If you don't know how to rap and can't make beats or even make your voice sound okay in a recording then you might want to go full funny and just make a comedy album like our boy DJM. You'd have also have to force yourself to be really bad a using profanity, and it would be tough to write rhymes this bad, but if you really put your mind to it and dumbed it WAY down, you might be able to go the DJM route, but let me warn you - it would take a lot of effort to make hip hop this intentionally bad. On the other hand...


If I ever find out that this album wasn't supposed to be a rap comedy parody album I will be very upset. Daniel Joseph Miller will jump to the top of our list of fake ass posers who should never be taken seriously and who should never rap. I would also have to say that this is one of the worst collections of songs that I have ever heard in my life and I've heard a lot of bad songs. If these songs are supposed to be taken even a tiny bit seriously then Daniel Joseph Miller will solidify St. Louis as the worst city ON EARTH for hip hop, shit, it might even allow Missouri to replace Washington State as the worst state for hip hop. It might also make STL the best place for frontin'. So on that note: keep is silly Daniel Joseph Miller, keep up the joke music - we're all laughing here.

Daniel Joseph Miller Comedy Rap Songs Collection Score 4/10