Rap is Weird: EMINEM on ESPN

UH. #1: EMINEM, give up your day job and become a comedian! You're clearly the next Mike Myers (this guy not this guy)!




 #2 - Cool video. Cool song. VMA's we have a new champ.



 #3 - Classic. Typical teenager...doing weird stuff, answering "questions" from adults with cryptic jive.

"I spit A.B.C.'s / skip the D's and rock the mic with E'S(PN)" - Eminem

How's Your Summur?

Macklemore vs. Chief Keef

I'm the shit! At least that's what my neck say.
Least that's what my blog say.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Stick 'em up. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

I know it's spelled "clique", but Hahah. LULZ! Wacky Wednesday. Speaking of click, let's do a RAP BATTLE today, but let's make it tremendously unfair just for fun:

CHIEF KEEF a/k/a Mr. Violent 

vs.

Macklemore a/k/a the worst rapper out of the worst state

Now, let me start out by saying that both of these rappers are pretty bad. Mr. Keef is generally a bad person and his music lacks substance #300 (that's the percent that I don't like Keef, 300%). Macklemore is a jackass who makes stupid music that sucks #npr. 

So let's meet our competitors:

haha posertown

Name: Macklemore
Alias: Professor Macklemore (lol)
Representing: Peattle, Washington
Prediction: Instant Death
The Rich preteen's choice

Say Cheese

Name: Cheif Keef
Alias: Sosa?
Representing: Chicago
Prediction: Easy Win

---- ---- --- ---- ---- --- ---- ---- --- ---- ---- ---

So here we go. Let's start with the victim, Macklemore, who is soon to be murdered by Chicago's "finest". And since I hate him and don't know any of his songs we'll just pick one at random...



A hahahahah! A lousy sentimental song about a city that everyone thinks is a cesspool of meth addicts and (now) bad rappers.

#1 This is a love letter to bad rappers. A LOVE letter, son.

#2 It's so bad that it must be intentional

The beat is so fucking generic. Saccharine beats 101. Plus Macklemore's delivery is subtle and halted, like he's saying something important. Yearning. Yo, son, you're talking bullshit. Maaaaad bullshit. So wack. Your "mountain" is a shit pile and so are the "historic" Washington rappers you cherish (except for Sir Mix-a- Lot). 

"Hi. Let's pull people's heartstrings with a song about Seattle" - Macklemore.
"But nobody's ever heard of anyone you're rapping about"- his doofus sidekick

"EVERY TIME SOMEBODY STEPS OUT ON THE ROAD

THEY BRING A LITTLE NORTHWEST SOUL WITH THEM AMEN"

What a good rap line? I wish that Washington people would just stay in their awful state. Keep your soul and your lame lines in your area, amen. #peeattle.

"THEY'RE TRYING TO SHUT DOWN THE CLUBS THAT MY CITY ROCKS

NOW MR. MAYOR, WHY WOULD YOU ENFORCE AN ORDINANCE?

MUSIC IT SAVES LIVES, THESE KIDS OUT HERE ARE SUPPORTING IT"

Good goof. How is this rap? It's a mouth full of clam bait, I reckon.

The mayor is supporting the ordinance because he's trying to prevent the youth of Seattle from being exposed to trash music. He wants to save them. Also, fuck you for using the word "ordinance" in a rap, you entitled sewer rat poser. Did you scoop that $20 word out of the golden chalice with the silver spoon which you were born with? YES.

WE'VE LEARNED THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNITY

WTF kind of weak ass slap rapper says shit like this? I'm baffled by this garbage. BAFFLED! I mean, I understand that this music is aimed at the upper crust, but holy shit, nobody says shit like that unless they come from privilege and they want other people to write them campaign contribution checks. Hey, Macklemore, you stupid fuck, are you running for office? Mayor of your horrible city? You'll suck at that job too. Walk around looking like a doof noob talking about how you care about the kids. I hope you get that job and then that stupid volcano finishes what it started and cleanses the land. Yes, I want it to erupt and then a lava pool flows 200 miles and takes care of your nightmare city. Wipe that shit off the map. Speaking of volcanoes, having a few in your state would normally be something cool, but just like everything else out of the Pacific Northwest, your volcanoes are weak. Weakattle. 

And fuck, the video (once again) is full of a variety of people rapping the lines, just to show how diverse Mackelmore is. Dumb shit. 

A sappy video, and a sappy song, both filled to the teeth with cliches, just like how Macklemore is filled with wackness (to the teeth). This song is an insult to hip hop, music, and people in general, just like Macklemore. Folks, all Chief Keef has to do is show up to beat this guy.

---- ---- --- ---- ---- --- ---- ---- --- ---- ---- ---

Let's see how Mr. Keef represents his town...



Oh my. We were right about that: KEEF WINS. It's funny because this song sucks too, but it's way better than that Washington shit. The beat is silly. It's so typical. If Macklemore came syrupy, Keef comes boring.

O B for Life? Why not. At least Mr. Keef is trying. Can you say that Macklemore? No. Macklemore is proud of Sewerattle, Keef is proud of O'Block (whatever the hell that is). Both love their hometown, so what's the difference. Keef brings the noise and threatens everyone, Craplemore talks about respect and love.

Craplemore:

Memory Lane, Grandma's favorite street. Also: ACTING.

Chief Keef:

Not sappy.

Honestly, how could anyone prefer Mackrelmore over Keef on this one? Keef, who should never really win anything, is the clear winner. Any thinking man would make that call. Let's break it down, Keefs win is:

Objectively correct
Subjectively correct
Morally correct
Logically correctly
Scientifically accurate
Righteous
Sensable

And most importantly HONEST, something that macklemort has never been.

In Conclusion: Fuck Macklemore and fuck Washington 4 life. Audio of a toilet flushing would have won this battle.
MACKLEMORE MY TOWN SCORE 0/10 (I wish I could go lower than 0)
CHIEF KEEF O'BLOCK 4 LIFE SCORE 1/10

Training Day on Backseat Freestyle Rookies

In tha Matrix 2013. Today we're going after rookies. Like some kind of veteran cop or something who is assigned a rookie and then has to teach them how it really is. Like Denzel Washington in Training Day.


Yep. You a long way from Starbucks homie. We're all a long way from Starbucks today, feel me? We're gooing to see what kind of amateurs are trying to spit over Kendrick Lamar's "Backseat Freestyle" beat, which is one of the best beats. A beat just for big dogs, you feel me?  So here is the original:



Produced by Hit-Boy. The guy who is making a ton of big name shit right now like The Throne's song about visiting Paris, and Kanye's song about his clique. But the real star of the show is Kendrick Lamar (duh). So without anymore delay...

BRING IN THE ROOKIES. Sick 'em dogs.

Now safety is first, you give us shit boom, we give you lead. Let's do this right so we can all go home and do the wife or the girlfriend thing...

First we have Killa Beat - Backseat Freestyle aka Matt Schaffner, who is very associated with the Wu-Tang Clan? He's the lost twentieth member.



Sad. Very few skills. Is identifing a dope beat a skill? Remember how Kendrick started off this song cuttin' heads? This guy's jump off sounds like his mouth is stuck in a vacuum. "Blung, my music blurg overpowerin, shallowin blarg"

Kenderick also has a nice transition from the verse to the hook that starts with "damn I got bitches", it works perfectly in the original since the beat is so basic and it's somewhat melodic. Also, nobody else can do that. Matt tries and fails miserably:

"Damn he got skills, damn he stock bills, stock not stack bills, but damn he got bills"

Say what? So lame. Then he says "smoke does not kill, cuz I got gills".

Goodness me. What a mess.

Shit, then he says that he is "realer than Wikipedia" which is known for being not being real. It's like saying he "smells better than sewer" or he "reads better than infant". Sure, Matt, your a little better than the worst. I'll give you that.

It goes on and on. Hey, Matt, let's chat. How's seventh grade going? Tough, right? Stupid history class and PE? #ditchday2013. Halo 4. Buckwild. Teen mom.  I know the lingo. We know that money is an issue. If you were really "stocking" money wouldn't your vocal production sound better? Cuz right now it sounds like you put this together on your Wii. Selena Gomez. Your mother and I noticed that you talk a lot about drugs. We think you need to lay off the drugs and focus, I think your music would benefit from your sobriety. Whatever you're using is screwing up your mind and making you say really stupid things. We still love you though. Oh and stop affiliating yourself with the Wu, it's pathetic. Actually, give up on rap and focus on some other dream that doesn't offend people. You like Lego still right? Or maybe something with Lady Gaga! You love her. Whatever. Follow your (non-rap) dream!

----------------------------

After that garbage, I don't know if I can handle another rookie track. How about Backseat Freestyle ft. DaveyB, Danny Base, and DollyDaDawg (MUSIC VIDEO)?



I like it. Dancing. A dog rapping! I love it! The perfect video. Maybe we could learn a thing or two from the rookies after all.  #SALUTE.

IN CONCLUSION: Rememeber how at the end of Training Day the veteran cop climbed a crane on the top of a building while the rookie commandeered a Harrier Jet? And the the rookie was like "the problem with veterans? They're really inconsiderate when it comes to people's schedules." Then he kills the veteran Denzel Washington with a missle or something? The End. End spoiler alert.

At first I thought we would teach some new jacks a lesson just like in that movie, and Killa Beat (or whatever that shit is) needs a lesson because he's so fake. Then Davey and Danny and the dog come around and make my day. Guys, Kendrick would be proud. Also, I don't remember the movie Training Day very well I think.

Killa Beat Score 0/10
DaveyB, Danny Base, and DollyDaDawg Score 10/10

Vote Cappa 2012 (You Blew It): "Fire"

I DEMAND A RECOUNT! LADIES AND GENTELMEN OF THE SUPREME COURT: DECIDE THIS ELECTION IN THE FAVOR OF SIR CAPPADONNA.

YES. We're still doing this shit for some reason. Maybe because this song is fucking dope? You think? Hello. OF COURSE THAT'S THE REASON, FLAPJACK.

Look, we did a series of posts where we said we wanted Cappadonna to be President of the United States then we posted up one of his good tracks. We all had a good laugh and heard some good music. But the truth is that I really wanted Cappa to be president. I'm not a fan of any president ever and at least Cappa has good slang. The fucking guy called himself "C-Dipper the Skipper", and that's simply the best. Here's another great one. Plus it's got Masta Killa, who is one of the best in the Clan. Forget Method Man, move on from that (unless you like children's candy and shit beats)...This is where it's at.




See. Energy that. Two pros doing it big over a top choice beat.

FIRE SCORE 10/10

Vote Cappa 2012 (You Blew It): "Put God First"

This blog officially endorses endorsed Cappadonna in the 2012 Presidential Election of the United States. Whatever, you blew it.

Hey genius. I'm sure your either thrilled or devastated about the outcome of the election. Congrats to whoever won? I'm writing this in September, so I don't know who won. I'm going to make two safe bets: one, I don't care who won, and, two, Cappadonna probably didn't win. Now, we put MONTHS into our efforts to get Cappadonna elected, countless hours wasted. And WHY? Because slackers like you sat on the sidelines while the world burned. Here you had an opportunity to do something important and you BLEW IT. Nice job (sarcasm - you suck).

So, we're taking this opportunity to rub it in your face. THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO MISS OUT ON FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS. This is a later track by the great Cappadonna, and it's an understated banger. Lyrically, it's top notch. It couldn't be any topper notch. No chance.

Artist: Cappadonna feat. Solomon Child & Inspectah Deck
Album: The Pilgramage
Release Date: November 15, 2011



That's new shit! This is how Cappadonna is rolling today. I don't know who produced that shit, but the production is presidential. It's one of the best beats you'll hear. Cappa's friends Solomon Child and Deck KILL IT DEAD. They just do a good job. Cappa brings his A game. And I'll go ahead and hand this song its crown based on the switch off between Cappa and Deck.

Cappa: "Get your money and turn savage, you fucking backstabbers:"
Deck: "Backstabbers, yo..."
Cappa: "Put God first, that's the only way to survive..."
Deck: "Cynthia's son, I'm all in, give me the gun / cuffed to a treadmill, you couldn't get me to run."

Deck doesn't relent for his whole shit. He just keeps stabbing.

Now let's take a second and look at the chorus:

"The average black man dies at the age of twenty five / put god first that's the only way to survive"

Simple. Conscious. Dope. Real shit. These are things that you don't like apparently, since you voted for the other guy.

Well, Cappa will still be around in four years, and he'll probably be dropping even hotter shit. That's the bright side. The question is this: will you have your mind right by 2016? Probably not.

PUT GOD FIRST SCORE 10/10

Vote Cappa 2012: "97 Mentality"

This blog officially endorses Cappadonna for the 2012 Presidential Election of the United States. Cappa stays fat like Roseanne. Vote on that shit.

YO! WORD! Ladies and gentelmen: CAPPADONNA!

"YO! My devastatin' hot 97 mentality, keep me on point for my four digit salary. Heavy weight lyric, never lost one calorie, I'm soon to be seen, on a TV screen..."

This is it. The big moment. Who will you choose in the most important* election in our great nation's history? Will you vote for the rich guy? Or the other rich guy? I'm sure whoever you choose will make a huge difference! #votebig. Now, I'm sure you've guessed that our blog series supporting Cappadonna for president has been paid for by several super PACs, with a total value of $1.37billion. Full disclosure. The super PACs want you to vote for real hip hop, and we've decided to support the great CAPPADONNA.
*Everyone says that every election.

This song is his final appeal. His best work. His best foot forward. Please listen:

Artist: Cappadonna featuring Ghostface Killa
Song: "97 Mentality"
Producer: The RZA
Album: The Swarm

Release Date: July 21, 1998

 


Another Wu-Banger.

This song is clearly trying to duplicate the genius of "Winter Warz", and guess what: it does. It's not quite as impactful since it's basically a solo track and we already know what Cappadonna is capable of. Yet, Cappa basically directs lightening to strike twice. So, what was the genius of Winter Warz? Cappa drops a two minute verse and bodies every second of it. It came out of nowhere and hits like fast punches in boxing (whatever that is called, look it up).

"97 Mentality" is basically the same thing except for three major differences. One, I already mentioned: Cappa is basically solo here. Two: the beat is one of the best ever. Three: Ghost drops one of the best hooks ever at the end of the track.

To the year, born god / All the gods strike hard
Fast from the swine, hold down the boulevard
Father-U to C-Cypher, Start the revolution
Middle finger in the air for slang prostitution

Game over man. Try to keep that from getting stuck in your head. But aside from that, we have Cappadonna speaking on his platform:

"So what up with that kid? danger when I attack kid
Watch how the slang hits you, just like a bat kid
Form another pyramid, look how we slid
All over Park Hill, Stapleton politic
On a twenty dollar bill all in it together
You can't fuck with the stormy weather, yaknahmean"

I DO KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. Case closed. If that doesn't hit you then maybe you should vote for one of the other losers. I know what I'm doing on voting day: filling in the bubble for Cappa, 2012. Bust the system right in the wrinkle.

97 MENTALITY SCORE 10/10

Get Smart About Twerking with French Montana's "Pop That"

TWERK OR DIE

GREETINGS YOU STINK NERDS.

Today we're going to get smart about whatever the fuck twerking is. Fuck it. You know you want to know. But who can teach us? YOUR STINK MOM? Hell no. We need an expert. How about French Montana? Whoever that is. His world famous number 1 song "Pop That" will answer all of our questions about twerking. Let us go to him and have our questions answered (mystical shit (not the rapper Mystical)).

Let's see. French Montana is somehow a Moroccan Somali, so he's worldwide. He is the CEO of Cocane City Records, which is the place that everyone wants to get a job once they score their MBA. So good on that, French. He's somehow involved with Maybach and Bad Boy, so you know he's making hit after hit. This is one of those hits!

LET'S GET AT THIS A-HOLES.



Well that was a let down. Blowin' out the drum machine with a million pops and snaps every second.

Also: surprise! This song features Drake, Lil Wayne, and Rick Ross. All of your favorites together in one place. Personally, I'm not a fan of anyone on this roster, but I am a fan of Rick Ross's fucking necklace of his own face. That's boss shit. STUPID SHIT!!!! Could you say that Rick Ross twerks with his own face on his neclace? Yo! Rick Ross, twerk your fucking face. Is that what twerking is? Let's check the chorus:

Don't stop, pop that, don't stop
Pop that pop that pop that
(What you twerkin' with)
(repeat x 1000000)

HOOOOOLY SHIIIIIT! That doesn't answer anything. What is twerking? Is it that face thing with Rick Ross fucking his own face? Probably not. Is it working and bouncing? What do you think? I don't know. I think it has something to do with ladies. Am I right? Don't answer...my sister's kids read this blog. Oh, don't show them that terrible video either, they're both under 6.

I think that I'm making a pretty safe guess that twerking has something to do with ladies. That guess is based on the fact that 40% of this song is about ladies. But the other 60% is about how much money all the rappers have. Nice. It's so fun to listen to rich people rap about their posessions. I can relate! I love to hear about expensive shit! Don't stop, don't stop. Maybe Mitt Romney should rap? What do you think?

So, since we cracked that "ladies" thing. Let's see what the fella's are rapping about money-wise.

French Montana:
1. Rolls-Royce Phantom
2. Drinking that top-shelf Vodka that Diddy makes at his apartment (Ciroc)
3. Throwing money on the floor.
4. Having a "Brinks" truck in his pocket - LOTS OF CASH ON HAND (COOL!)
5. Wearing 30 chains
6. Having two convertibles with no mileage
7. Being generally rich
8. Having a Bugatti
9. Buying lots of drugs


Well, that was neat. I love it. Who's next?

Ah, Rick Ross (HAHAHAHA):
1. Having a four door Bugatti
2. Spending a "stack" every minute of fifty's or one hundreds


Not too much bragging! Uh, STEP YOUR GAME UP RICK ROSS. Who's next?

Drake (ugh):
1. He makes three times as much money - whatever the heck that means
2. Money is coming and going
3. He bought a house
4. He loves champagne
5. He's got one watch that could "pay for all your chains"
6. He buys drinks for everyone at some swanky Hollywood bar or something


I'll tell you one thing: Drake has a lot of moooonnnneeeeeyyyy. He also is pretty mad at people who don't. Hateful. That's fine! Last up:

Lil' Wayne:
1. Shouts out his clothing line
2. He's just "rich"


Lot's of dineros. Lot's of bragging. So if you want to learn more about twerking, get a lot of money. Then I guess you can twerk with the best of them.


IN CONCLUSION: I don't know how anyone could listen to this festering pile of shit. Do people who listen to this want to be rich? Are they rich people? Are they poor people? Listen, these guys are exploiting you. They stick you for your money on some empty ass shit that they call music. You know who likes this shit? People with low self confidence. People who are so beat down by the world that their only escape is to listen to rich people describe how they control everything. They key is control. These weak ass nerds feel powerful when they hear shit like this. Nobody can step on a rich guy. Ladies can't reject a rich guy. Everything goes right for the rich.

Well here is my advice to you. Figure out who you are and where society is actually forcing you. Then make a change. Dont accept it. You're not a failure. You're exactly the same as the dorks who made this garbage song. SO CHANGE. I'm not talking weak get out the vote nonsense, I'm talking beat the system somehow. Stop listening to these clowns and fill your head with real wisdom.

FIGHT THE POWER AND FUCK FRENCH MONTANA, RICK ROSS, DRAKE, AND LIL WAYNE. Pop that, fat cats.

POP THAT SCORE 0/10

We Got Something New! Krispy Kreme and Money Maker Mike "Halloween"

It's Halloween! Do some tricks. Get some treats. Get Yours. Word. Well, it's not actually Halloween, TOMORROW is the big day, but we already have a fucking Hillside Scramblers / U-God review scheduled for that day since it's a Wednesday. #tradition. So we had to post this today.

Anyway, so what are you going as? A scary vampire? That guy from "Saw"? A headless horse, man? Santa? Good luck. Be safe out there. Have fun.

Me? I'm dressing as the Notorious B.I.G.! The ladies will love that!

Now, let's talk about this song that came out like two weeks ago but I put it on hold until the big day. Here it is....




WHOA! James, I know you're an evil guy and all, but please don't dance with knives! I doubt you have health insurance and our medical system is overburdened or some shit.

That song was good! Nicely done. Again and again. For a guy who's clearly jacking around, his lyrics are strangely good...

Forget the candy Mike, go and grab your stinkin’ bike

Plus we got a bunch of candy I don’t even really like

Mike, he’s got a stinkin’ knife, we’re about to loose our life

Pedal Mike, Pedal Mike! PEDAL MIKE! With all your might.

Krispy Kreme, keep doing ya thang. 

HALLOWEEN SCORE 8/10

Vote Cappa 2012: "Pistachio"

This blog officially endorses Cappadonna for the 2012 Presidential Election of the United States. Get out the Donna vote, stupid.

Well, this is it. Almost our last chance to get the message out there to you: Vote Cappadonna 2102. Forget those rich guys, we need a man of the people to lead us, a man of principle, a man of honor: Cappadonna. We know that he isn't even running for office, but we like him so much that it doesn't matter. So, to help support his platform of Cow Milking and Slang Prostitution, we're going to feature one of his songs every week from now until the election. We're just trying to get out the vote.

This song is the illest. It's from an album that I'm sure you skipped: Slang Prostitution, and it hits like a pile driver. Sure, it's got a lot of guest spots, but just think of that as Cappadonna introducing his cabinet? They all do a dope job. King Just is a Wu regular. Lounge Lo is Cappa's younger brother. And Mega Don (I thought that was one of Cappa's aliases) is from the Shaolin Soldiers (with King Just and everyone's favorite Letha Face!). What a team? But they come together well:

Artist: Cappadonna featuring King Just, Lounge Lo and Mega Don
Song: "Pistachio"
Album: Slang Prostiution
Release Date: January 27, 2009



This song is murder. A jewel in Cappa's crown.

While every verse is solid, and the beat is basically illy, the high point of this song is the chorus. And when I say "high point" I'm talking Mountain Everest. A fucking multiple way trade off talking some "what the streets like" shit. It's a chorus with a message I can really stand behind:

"We write lyrics that the streets like
We don't come with that bullshit
that y'all n****s thinkin' is right"

Word. Why are so many wack ass MCs coming with that bullshit. And why are so many of y'all thinking it's right. Shit. I'm glad Cappa is calling you out. That's why I'm voting for him.

PISTACHIO SCORE 10/10

Vote Cappa 2012: Born Divine "Peace God"

This blog officially endorses Cappadonna for the 2012 Presidential Election of the United States. Vote Cappa, stupid. The people's candidate.

THIS IS IT. The final countdown. You already know the deal: we think voting is the stupidest thing ever (unless you love rich people telling you what to do), so we've decided to support one of our favorite rappers: Cappadonna. We know that he isn't even running for office, but we like him so much that it doesn't matter. So, to help support his platform of Cow Milking and Slang Prostitution, we've been featuring one of his songs every week running up to the election. We're just trying to get out the vote. Today we're going to get a quick smack from Cappa and Born Divine. It's a newer short one. GET IT:

Artist: Cappadonna featuring Born Divine
Song: "Peace God"
Album: The Cappatilize Project
Release Date: January 27, 2009




UH! Park Hill Productions! FUCK, YOU CAN SLAM THAT PEACE GOD SHIT.

But hey, is this two songs? I thinks so. Peace God is just the first minute. But what a minute, right? A quick back and forth between two dope cats. What could be better? The whole shit is amped. Then boom, a switch up to another decent song ("One Night Love Affair"). Love Song!? Not as much my taste, but if you jump off with scratching I'll give you some slack. Plus the loop on both songs is stupid. The chorus on the second song is literally stupid, but I'll let it go since I kind of like it and it might get the ladies vote (I guess). You know, this is an odd connection, but that second song reminds me of a Pun beat, or maybe even a DJ Scribble beat. I don't know. Let me look into it...how about this one? Never mind. I got nothing and I'm not listening to this whole shit:

Dj Skribble - Traffic Jams ('97) by Dj Postl on Mixcloud

If you vote Cappa in, you can expect four years of this shit. Saying he'll deliver on thing (a dope track), and then giving you more than you expected (two dope tracks). Get your mind right. This is like a fresh pair of shoe with some new tags.


PEACE GOD SCORE 10/10
ONE NIGHT LOVE AFFAIR SCORE 6/10

Vote Cappa 2012: "Somebody's Got To Go"

This blog officially endorses Cappadonna for the 2012 Presidential Election of the United States. Break that face in at the wrinkle.


It's 2012. Voting time. The Tortoise General Blog is officially going against the grain and shunning all of the major contenders (rich guy and other rich guy). Instead we're supporting Cappadonna for president. That's right. We know that he isn't even running for office, but we like him so much that it doesn't matter. So, to help support his platform of Cow Milking and Slang Prostitution, we're going to feature one of his songs every week from now until the election. We're just trying to get out the vote.

None of us here want to publish any more of this shit anymore. It sucks. It's hard writing about U-God week in and week out, but we do it to make some money. It's a living. Anyway, just when I was at my lowest point, we decided to publish Cappadonna's best songs. Listening to this shit picks me right up. This is good hip hop. This is presidential hip hop. Let's do it.

Today we've selected a choice cut off of Slang Prostitution, actually one of the best from a decent album. I hope you like it.

Artist: Cappadonna featuring Lounge Lo and Ghetto Philharmonic
Song: "Somebody's Got To Go"
Album: Slang Prostitution
Release Date: January 27, 2009






That beat, nah mean? It's "ananymous".

Fuck. I love this shit right from the intro talk:

I'll break that ni*** face in, right there (I'm listening)

Right there at the wrinkle (Who over there?)

Yeah, this is the body snatchers (Buddha, get him, man)

Invasion, slang gargoyles (Right right)

Ni***, we eat tracks for a living (Tell him again, Don)

The beats ananymous
Ya'll ni***s is taking up space, straight up
Snatching one of ya'll ni***s up from the background
Drag you over there, to one of the movie sets
The new movies that's out right now, with the fucking...
People on the juggle, straight up and down

What? The lyrics take off from there. This sounds like "Ironman" era Wu. Cappadonna's brother Lounge Lo is on there somewhere I guess, he's another decent MC who should be getting more press, but I think he's just on that opening crawl.

Anyway, this beat, by G-Clef, is very good. And one of the reasons that I think Cappadonna has gained so much credibility lately while his fellow clansmen flounder: he's connected with mad good underground producers who bring fire like this. Shit is dope.

#VOTECAPPA

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO GO SCORE 10/10

Track Checker: Pier 1 Imports "Let's Coaching"

If you're a regular to this blog then you know that we love to bash any no-talent clown who thinks they can rap. Usually that means attacking university students, people from Idaho, and scientists. No big deal. Well, today we're turning our sights on some bullshit from Pier 1 Imports. You know, that terrible garbage store that sells outright junk to suckers who think that buying cheap crap makes their house look lavish. THAT STORE. Well, they're doing corporate raps. Do you think it will be good?


AWESOME

Honestly, in my life I haven't been in many Pier 1 stores (are they even around anymore?), but I did quickly notice the low, low quality of their products when I did visit. I'm not kidding, any manipulation of a product in their store will cause permanent damage. Set your keys on a table, it will scratch instantly. Sit in a chair, the wicker will break. It's all junk. 4 Realz.

It's safe to say that this track will be of the same quality as their products: a nightmare that nobody wants to exist. And yet here it is. Let's power through together. If you want...




We did it! No harm done. I guess I could learn from this video instead of mock it. Like how to connect with my readers.

"The key to the sale is to make a connection.

Why not start with a humorous question?"

Fucking great idea! Here is my humorous question for my readers (act like we just  met):

"The FUCK you doing here? I thought you were illiterate."

HAHAHAH! "You're great! You must have trained at Pier 1 Imports" - you.

Wow. It feels good to know how to do this shit. I'm already winning people over! Look at those "hits" on my "links"! Next, something about chairs.

"Might I suggest this Arapahoe?

You can mix and match the chairs, don't you know?

I know the type of chair that your looking for.

How about the Arapahoe? Or maybe the  L'amour?"

Boom! You sold me "The Arapahoe" as soon as you mentioned it twice.

This is a learning experience for me, so please allow me some time to review. If someone is new to my blog, I just make a joke, then suggest something to make the sale. Making the sale is easy! Right? Bam! Emeril! What's that? Your house has a lot of stairs? Well, since you'll hate climbing them all the time, might I suggest this blog post about BONE Thugs-N-Harmony, from our Arapahoe collection?

Wow! I made the sale! I CAN DO IT!

"Thanks for making this so much fun!

 I'm definitely coming back to Pier 1!"

I might have what it takes to work at Pier 1! If I can sell this blog, I can sell anything. Thank you Pier 1.

In Conclusion: Some people are born with the gift of rhyme. Some people practice and earn it. Some corporate entities try to be hip and wrap their sales approach in an affront to music to earn the hatred of their employees for something other than low pay. F-U P1I. I hope ALL your stores go out of business (if they haven't already). Are you so low that you manipulate your lonely customers with fake friendship only to take their hard earned money in exchange for a sweatshop chair? Yes. Please, cease to exist, both for this "rap" and for the gutter furniture you try to unload on people. Choke on your duck.

PIER 1 IMPORTS SCORE 0/10

Nice.

Ultimate Rebel Machine Gun Kelly Does it Again! Breaking News!

Franklin Mills Mall, Do Not Allow Admission to MGK

OH BROTHER. Remember our friend Machine Gun Kelly, also known as our generation's Ultimate Rebel? The guy who fearlessly stood on a table in a Ohio mall food court and irritated shoppers in line the Talbots? Well, he's done it again, AT ANOTHER MALL, this time in Atlanta. Let's get the scoop.





Wild out! Great show. Actually, I did kind of like it. I think my reaction would have been a lot like the guy who recorded that video. At first I would have been quiet. Then I would have wondered why MGK was just flipping everyone off. Then I would have been laughing. Then I would have said "what did they expect".

UH-OH! Does this mean that I will now stop hating on MGK? I don't know! I still don't like his music, and I still don't like his "BAD BOY" image. And I even think that someone big should have slapped him down from that table and headlocked him until he started crying. But I do like when he performs at an event put on by Microsoft and yells "Fuck these computers and shit!" HAHAH! YES! SCORE! Maybe he even stomped on some expensive laptops before flipping off everyone!

Look, Microsoft and The Source (is that still around?), what in the fuck did you expect when you invited this guy to perform? Of course he's going to go bonkers, that's his thing. Of course he's going to use foul language and refuse to follow orders. That's what he does best.

"CUT OFF THAT MUSIC! MGK IS GOING CRAZY. Get him off the stage place we display expensive computers and into the employee restroom." - Microsoft Store




Let's see what the fallout was.

From Microsoft: The Source held a private event at the Microsoft Lenox Square Store. "We offer our stores as a venue for the community to use, and this event was not sponsored by Microsoft," says a spokesperson. "While the artist’s behavior was appropriate for a concert, some of it was not appropriate in a store environment."

HAHA! What a crock of dumbasses.

As for MGK:

“Last Friday, I was asked to perform at The Source’s Power 30 reception and honored to do so...My only goal was to give a great performance...Contrary to what is being reported by the media, I did not stomp on any computers, damage any store property nor were the police called on my behalf...There was some confusion as to where I should perform. But, in the end, it was all resolved. I’d like to thank The Source for the opportunity and let the people at Microsoft know I meant no disrespect.”

HAHA! Sure. You're forgiven I guess. If Microsoft can forgive you for saying to fuck their computers, why can't we?

IN CONCLUSION: Tearing up this shit is a pure hip hop move, but it's also kind of a jackass move. Grow up, MGK. But also break this fucking system down and teach these rich fat cats a lesson.

MGK WILD OUT SCORE 6/10 

Brought to you by the people of Microsoft.

 

Vote Cappa 2012: "Milk The Cow"

This blog officially endorses Cappadonna in the 2012 Presidential Election of the United States. Vote Cappa, stupid.

In the run-up to the big election* we've decided to make a mockery of everything and endorse one of our favorite rappers: Cappadonna. We know that he isn't even running for office, but we like him so much that it doesn't matter. So, to help support his platform of Cow Milking and Slang Prostitution, we're going to feature one of his songs every week from now until the election. We're just trying to get out the vote.
*Elections are wack, if you think that you're going to change anything by voting for any of the official wealthy nominees, then you're out of your mind.

Our track today establishes our candidate's early work. "Milk the Cow" was featured on his first (lackluster) solo album "The Pillage". It's a dope song and it demonstrates our candidate's commitment to the American farmer, the heartland, Park Hill, etc..

Artist: Cappadonna featuring Method Man
Song: "Milk The Cow"
Album: The Pillage
Release Date: March 24, 1998

Now, in the official roll call of the tracks, we call the representatives from cow milking:

Yo, new Cappadonna is about to exhale kid
Hold all the phone calls, stop all the mail

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! That just comes to the earpiece right. Salute to True Master for the devastating beat. And Cappadonna himself for having the courage to stand up and doing it milky, just like his mother told him to do. Respect.

Also, this is a fantastic video. One of the best. Classic. This comes from the same era as all the terrible Wu Tang Clan videos. How does Cappa come in and make a good video while the Clan was fucking with magic marker name plates in their videos? The answer: he's mad professional, and he'll bring that level of professionalism to the oval office.

I do have one thing to point out on a bit of a side note: Method Man is not his running mate. Donna runs alone. Method Man is barely on this song. He has like two lines and an outro. Was he paid for that? Check his tax returns or some shit! Was he promoted on the album cover as a guest? Because that wasn't really a guest, it was more of a pop-in. Let's check the rear cover...

Nope. No mention of Method Man. Good. See, our candidate established himself as the honest contender early on. If that doesn't earn your vote then I don't know what will.

So, VOTE CAPPA 2012 - He'll honestly represent who is guest starring on his songs.

IN CONCLUSION: In 2016, we're going to be chanting "4 More Years" as Cappa completes his first term. Ka-Plow!

MILK THE COW SCORE 8/10