Track Checker, University of Portland "Mission Muscle Fizz"

I don't have an education at all, but I have learned that awesome stuff happens at universities. Awesome people go to universities, and those amazing people are way better than us in general and also try to make a lot of raps. It seems like half of the mixtapes I listen to are from affluent college kids who have no choice but to prove their skills behind the mic. And, you know what? It makes a lot of sense. The people who actually have something to rap about can't afford the equipment required to upload mixtapes to the internet, so we get to hear what the rich and unskilled have to rap about. Great.

This rap video is exactly that: rich people who have promising futures just rapping away. It’s nothing new and nothing to get upset about. It is what it is. Life happens. But this video features the richies taking it to the next level since they are rapping about things that only affluent people think about: college stuff! Hey, everyone involved, this is just a great video for you to help one another stay rich and oppress everyone! Keep us down while you look out from your beautiful mansions in a part of town that is off limits to the poor. You’re the best ever! College!

Let’s get to the video which I’m sure you won’t be able to sit through unless your bank account is so full of money that it overflows into investments or IRA’s or whatever.

"Hey, those guys are college kids and are probably drowning in debt. They’re not rich at all.” – Educated readers.

Yeah, but by learning raps like this, they’re on their way and deserve our contempt …



Let’s be honest, this video starts so weird that it may as well be in Russian. Something about agents and people in suits? Action potential? Exercise equipment and people exercising in professional attire? Impoverished people just don’t understand.

So this is clearly supposed to be some kind of “Men in Black” something, except that song was the worst. Who remembers that song anyway? Not me. I forgot it on purpose (at first) and then I forgot about it naturally (because it is so bad that it faded from everyone’s collective memory). Apparently rich people who go to universities still remember this song and think it’s great for putting their physical fitness raps over in 2011. Good thinking rich people! At least someone still loves Will Smith!

Then the rapping starts and I can honestly say that this guy’s raps make less sense than almost every other rap song ever. It’s all dumb nonsense. If you think you can understand what these people are saying you’re fooling yourself. It’s all made up bullshit created by people who want to prove how smart they are and then regurgitated by unimaginative puppets. The chorus of the song says that this is to “help you remember”! Yeah, now I’ll remember whatever they're rapping about. Good pneumonic device University of Portland. You nailed it. The sarcolemma is very fast! LGC’s!

Ladies?

“We’re having a party at the ICF!”
Fellas?

“Calcium joins up and it’s all a big mess”

YEAH! Oh man, this video just decided the “nature versus nurture” debate: everyone is born with top notch rap skills! Nature takes the trophy. No practice or consideration necessary for lyrics. Just vomit up whatever is in your heart, even if it is about Tropomyosin. Some people rap about growing up in crime infested neighborhoods with no opportunities and some people rap about myosin “like a boss”. Well, University of Portland and everyone else who learned about this stuff: you’re the worst but you have a bright future in oppression.

"Oh yeah? You're all talk. I suspect that you want your doctor to know about the topics in this rap." - smart people.

Nope you morons. I can't afford a doctor, I live in America! I don't care what doctors know about. I know about the bottom of their expensive loafers pressing against my neck as they try to bleed me and everyone dry while they complain about corporate tax or some shit. They let us starve and then they use hip hop to help each other remember rich-people medical bullshit. You know, I hope that all of the doctor's in America never learn this or anything else...that way they might not be able help the other oppressors of the poor stay alive. Get STUPID doctors! Also, stay in your Whole Foods Market and your hybrid car and keep away from hip hop / rap / me.

Mission Muscle Fizz Score 0/10
University of Portland Score 0/10
Action Potential Score 0/10
AcH Score 0/10
Sarcolemma Score 0/10
Professional Attire Score 0/10
Rich People Score 0/10
LGC Receptor Score 0/10
Ion Channel Score 0/10
Sodium Score 0/10
T-tubule Score 0/10
Intracellular Fluid Score 0/10
Calcium Score 0/10
Troponin Score: 0/10
Tropomysoin Score 0/10
Actin Score 0/10
Myosin Score 0/10
Cross-Bridge Cycling Score 0/10
Ion Score 0/10

I just disparaged all of your mumbo-jumbo. Smarten up jackwads.

Yo! That's Your Theme Song: Portlandia

This image is relevant...just wait.

Sometimes life takes a strange turn and surprises you with something that you don’t expect. For me that strange turn involved the genuinely funny IFC show Portlandia and the surprise was how the theme song of the show, Feel It All Around by Washed Out, got deeply embedded in my head and continues to be lodged in there like some sort of unmovable stone. I like the song a lot, but at the same time I hate the song because I can’t understand what they’re singing about and when I hear it playing in my head all day and night I just have an impression of the music, not the actual music, the song is just too much like what you hear when you get the gas at the dentist…it's spaced out music. In my head it’s just irritating moaning, but I still love the song even though it's not hip hop. I also love the show.

“Yo! This ain’t got nothing to do with hip hop” – You.

Hold on a minute, friend. Last night I looked up this song on YouTube to try to get it out of my head by listening to it a lot of times. You know, like quitting smoking by smoking a whole pack and getting sick. Well, it didn’t work; the song is still up there. Anyway, guess what I found: a hip hop version of the song! For one thing: oh brother, and for another thing, I didn’t listen to it. I had to hear the original again and again (I’ve got a problem). So today I’m going to go ahead and review the hip hop version. Fun? No way, but what else do you have going on? A rim job*?
*I don't know what that is, so we'll say that I meant that it has something to do with cars.

I would guess that Portland, Oregon is not an incubator for dope authentic hip hop. I mean I’ve heard hip hop from Seattle, and that’s close to Oregon, but I hope this isn’t as bad as that. But on the other hand I’ve also been surprised by great hip hop coming out of weird states like North Carolina and Kentucky, so this might have a chance.

Enough talk, let’s do this thing.

Let’s start with the fantastic and non-hip hop original track: Washed Up’s Feel It All Around, but let me warn you: this song is very dangerous and will get stuck in your head and ruin your life.

Oh man that is too good. Beard! Real whispy!

"Weeee feeeeeel it allllll arooooonnnnnnnd daaaahhhhhh saaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

you'lllllllllllllll knnnnnnooooow it's juuuuuuuuuusss aaahhhhh noooooooo aahhhhh naaaaaaaaayy-aaahhhhhhhhh"

 Now for the hip hop rap version:

HIT THE BREAKS! That song WAS FROM WASHINGTON! DAMMIT. Wha? WHAT? It wasn't a Portland song?  If I had known that I wouldn't have listend to it. We already knew that Washington sucks a rap, so this whole song sucking shouldn't be a surprise.

Otherwise, that was exactly what I expected. OK anTONE? Who are you and why are you here? I noticed your song is called "Puget Soundia", so...anTONE is clearly an idIOT. "idIotia"? What did you say when you watched the show "Portlandia", anTONE? 

"This show is about Oregon and even though that's an entirely different state than Washington, AND even though the two states probably some kind of dumb rivalry I'll go ahead and use that clearly non-rap beat and make terrible lyrics over it about the Puget Sound. Oregon is close enough to Seattle for me."

You know what anTONE? Two things: 1. From now on I'm not spelling "Antone" like a dumbass and 2. Find a fucking beat that somehow represents your city and quit acting like an idiot. "Puget Soundia" is the DUMBEST song title ever in the history of the Earth. It stinks. "You're fired!" - Donald Trump to you. The Puget Sound SUCKS ANYWAY, I learned that from these two dunces.

ANTONE IS A DUMBASS, 206!

As for your lyrics? They suck. Here are the hashtags I would assign to your lyrics:

#fifthgrade #cowardly #lame #lol #weak #biter #poser #fronting #unoriginal #getalife

Let's just skip to the last line of the song so you know what kind of guy we're dealing with:

"If you like what you hear then turn this fucking jam up"

Okay, that's a normal line, but YOU SPIT IT WHEN THE SONG IS FADING OUT. How can we turn it up Antone? The song is over when you say that. You're over. GOOD GRIEF.

Done.com...you're done. What a joke. And why do Seattle rappers talk so much about getting signed? You won't get signed because you SUCK and your state is getting a really bad rap reputation. A bad raputation. Quit talking about it, focus on the raps and quit using profanity just to use it (like a kid), SAY SOMETHING YOU LOW LIFE.

So let's review: Antone sucks at lyrics, Antone sucks at picking beats. Portlandia is a funny show.

Also, WASHINGTON STATE HAS SOLIDIFIED IT'S POSITION AS THE WORST STATE IN AMERICA AT RAPPING AND WYOMING IS A STATE.

Feel It All Around Score 10/10

Portlandia Score 10/10
Puget Soundia Score 0/10

And another hip hop song on this beat...stop it, please. At least this one is actually from Oregon, but that doesn't make it okay. Okay? Okay, I'm guessing that this isn't bad by local Oregon standards, but by big tyme international standards this is shit. It's like rich people rapping about their college. Sustainable hip hop? GOOD GRIEF? Rythmic drip drop? GOODER GRIEF. #eattherich. #sinkoregon. #WAhastheworstrappers

Uh, I guess there is also a whole Portlandia mixtape...we'll have to get to that later. A lot later. We're not that motivated. At least that song is kind of out of my head now.

Don't let these rappers discourage you Fred & Carrie! Keep on joking and picking good theme songs.