Macklemore vs. Chief Keef

I'm the shit! At least that's what my neck say.
Least that's what my blog say.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Stick 'em up. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

I know it's spelled "clique", but Hahah. LULZ! Wacky Wednesday. Speaking of click, let's do a RAP BATTLE today, but let's make it tremendously unfair just for fun:

CHIEF KEEF a/k/a Mr. Violent 

vs.

Macklemore a/k/a the worst rapper out of the worst state

Now, let me start out by saying that both of these rappers are pretty bad. Mr. Keef is generally a bad person and his music lacks substance #300 (that's the percent that I don't like Keef, 300%). Macklemore is a jackass who makes stupid music that sucks #npr. 

So let's meet our competitors:

haha posertown

Name: Macklemore
Alias: Professor Macklemore (lol)
Representing: Peattle, Washington
Prediction: Instant Death
The Rich preteen's choice

Say Cheese

Name: Cheif Keef
Alias: Sosa?
Representing: Chicago
Prediction: Easy Win

---- ---- --- ---- ---- --- ---- ---- --- ---- ---- ---

So here we go. Let's start with the victim, Macklemore, who is soon to be murdered by Chicago's "finest". And since I hate him and don't know any of his songs we'll just pick one at random...



A hahahahah! A lousy sentimental song about a city that everyone thinks is a cesspool of meth addicts and (now) bad rappers.

#1 This is a love letter to bad rappers. A LOVE letter, son.

#2 It's so bad that it must be intentional

The beat is so fucking generic. Saccharine beats 101. Plus Macklemore's delivery is subtle and halted, like he's saying something important. Yearning. Yo, son, you're talking bullshit. Maaaaad bullshit. So wack. Your "mountain" is a shit pile and so are the "historic" Washington rappers you cherish (except for Sir Mix-a- Lot). 

"Hi. Let's pull people's heartstrings with a song about Seattle" - Macklemore.
"But nobody's ever heard of anyone you're rapping about"- his doofus sidekick

"EVERY TIME SOMEBODY STEPS OUT ON THE ROAD

THEY BRING A LITTLE NORTHWEST SOUL WITH THEM AMEN"

What a good rap line? I wish that Washington people would just stay in their awful state. Keep your soul and your lame lines in your area, amen. #peeattle.

"THEY'RE TRYING TO SHUT DOWN THE CLUBS THAT MY CITY ROCKS

NOW MR. MAYOR, WHY WOULD YOU ENFORCE AN ORDINANCE?

MUSIC IT SAVES LIVES, THESE KIDS OUT HERE ARE SUPPORTING IT"

Good goof. How is this rap? It's a mouth full of clam bait, I reckon.

The mayor is supporting the ordinance because he's trying to prevent the youth of Seattle from being exposed to trash music. He wants to save them. Also, fuck you for using the word "ordinance" in a rap, you entitled sewer rat poser. Did you scoop that $20 word out of the golden chalice with the silver spoon which you were born with? YES.

WE'VE LEARNED THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNITY

WTF kind of weak ass slap rapper says shit like this? I'm baffled by this garbage. BAFFLED! I mean, I understand that this music is aimed at the upper crust, but holy shit, nobody says shit like that unless they come from privilege and they want other people to write them campaign contribution checks. Hey, Macklemore, you stupid fuck, are you running for office? Mayor of your horrible city? You'll suck at that job too. Walk around looking like a doof noob talking about how you care about the kids. I hope you get that job and then that stupid volcano finishes what it started and cleanses the land. Yes, I want it to erupt and then a lava pool flows 200 miles and takes care of your nightmare city. Wipe that shit off the map. Speaking of volcanoes, having a few in your state would normally be something cool, but just like everything else out of the Pacific Northwest, your volcanoes are weak. Weakattle. 

And fuck, the video (once again) is full of a variety of people rapping the lines, just to show how diverse Mackelmore is. Dumb shit. 

A sappy video, and a sappy song, both filled to the teeth with cliches, just like how Macklemore is filled with wackness (to the teeth). This song is an insult to hip hop, music, and people in general, just like Macklemore. Folks, all Chief Keef has to do is show up to beat this guy.

---- ---- --- ---- ---- --- ---- ---- --- ---- ---- ---

Let's see how Mr. Keef represents his town...



Oh my. We were right about that: KEEF WINS. It's funny because this song sucks too, but it's way better than that Washington shit. The beat is silly. It's so typical. If Macklemore came syrupy, Keef comes boring.

O B for Life? Why not. At least Mr. Keef is trying. Can you say that Macklemore? No. Macklemore is proud of Sewerattle, Keef is proud of O'Block (whatever the hell that is). Both love their hometown, so what's the difference. Keef brings the noise and threatens everyone, Craplemore talks about respect and love.

Craplemore:

Memory Lane, Grandma's favorite street. Also: ACTING.

Chief Keef:

Not sappy.

Honestly, how could anyone prefer Mackrelmore over Keef on this one? Keef, who should never really win anything, is the clear winner. Any thinking man would make that call. Let's break it down, Keefs win is:

Objectively correct
Subjectively correct
Morally correct
Logically correctly
Scientifically accurate
Righteous
Sensable

And most importantly HONEST, something that macklemort has never been.

In Conclusion: Fuck Macklemore and fuck Washington 4 life. Audio of a toilet flushing would have won this battle.
MACKLEMORE MY TOWN SCORE 0/10 (I wish I could go lower than 0)
CHIEF KEEF O'BLOCK 4 LIFE SCORE 1/10

BEST & WORST of 2012



Exactly how we felt for 2012 (we're all Freeway).

Greetings from Knoxville, TN! HAHA just kidding, I would never go there. I assume it's the worst city of 2012! Are you getting an idea of what this is? It's a best and worst of 2012 list. Cool.

WAY BACK in January of 2012, when we published our terrible "Best & Worst" of 2011" entry, I realized that these year-end posts are hard and I should put more effort into them. Well, I didn't. In fact, I put less effort into this post then I did the 2011 post, and i barely put any effort into that at all (look I didn't even bother to capitalize that "i". Lazy). So here is our half-assed look at the best and worst on 2012.

Also, we're not exactly looking at hip hop in general for 2012. We're mainly looking at this lame blog. So fun.

BEST

2012 BEST RECORD RELEASE
Kreayshawn "Somethin' Bout Kreay"

It's hard to believe that when we came into 2012, none of us had any idea who Kreayshawn is was. Way back in January we tried to guess her identity just based on her name (we failed). Now, I don't have any problem with her gender or her race, but I have a major issue with her shit garbage music and her moronic friends. Anyway, her music is appaling and, as evidence of karma, she was rewarded with EXACTLY THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF ALBUM SALES: 4,000. HAHAH! I don't think we even talked about that on this blog friends, and it the best thing of the year! It's perfect. An idiot sells 4,000 records of bad music.

2012 BEST FIRST RESPONDER
Game "Uncle Otis", "Cough Up A Lung",




I'll spit the same 16 at your eulogy.


2012 BEST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE OF THE YEAR
Cappadonna

It's no secret that none of us around here love voting, or elections, or presidential candidates, or rich people, or the system, or police, or wack rappers. I won't go into it, but we found a fantastic alternative to B.O. Bama and the other guy (who was that again?). CAPPADONNA. Who could be a better president? Answer that. Son wouldn't have even needed a VP. If we could turn back time we would rig the election and get our man in there. You fucks ruined the next four years.



2012 BEST STACK BOYS
$tack Boys (not Stack Boys)



Well, 2012 was the year we met both sets of Stack Boys, and decided which one should win the right to use the name "Stack Boys". Well, the preteens lost to some other teens, giving the $tack Boys the win. Nice job fellas. You still suck, but not as bad as some mallwhore rich kids.

2012 BEST NEW ARTIST
Krispy Kreme (or whatever he changes his name to)




I'm sure I'll regret this at some point. But fuck, kid. This guy released track after track and not only did they sucessfully mock all the shit that is wrong with rap, they're also kind of good. It's kind of genius and kind of annoying. Think about this, this track is at about the same quality as most new shit out there, the rhymes just seem more basic. These words alone locked him in a "best" slot: "haters want to be me". Genius and annoying. Gennoying.

-------------------------------------------------------------

WORST
2012 WORST COUNTRY ON EARTH (TIE)

AUSTRALIA & CANADA

CANADA AND AUSTRALIA FUCKING SUCK AT RAP. I've been in fights on Twitter about this. I've been in fights in person about this. I argued with your mom about this. But I stand by it becasue it's a fact. Plus the only people who disagree are from those awful countries.

The only thing I might add is that not only do these two countries SUCK hard at rapping, their citizens are too stupid to know better. This ensures that they'll never lose the crown of terrible rapper nests. Even to England, which is so close to being in a three way tie with these two heaps of shit.

2012 WORST STATE
WASHINGTON

No surprise here. Almost every time I found an embarassing rap song it was from the garbage disposal state of Washington. "Cram your egg shells in the drain along with the waste water and dinner scrapings and grind that shit to go to the sewer" - That's what I say about Washington. #peeattle #spoklame #holempia
"Pugetsoundia" is a prime example.



Go Ka-Bang like Plow!

Runner(s) up: Idaho, Oregon


2012 WORST PEOPLE (TIE)
SCIENTISTS & COLLEGE PEOPLE

These educated people think they're so smart. Teaching us about medical crap, swearing at us about climate change, and restricting our right to smoke. F U, you're the worst. Don't rap anymore.

2012 WORST COLLABOBlondie "NO EXIT"

People, I know that this song is from 1999, but I heard it for the first time this year and it sucks megahard. I've even heard worse collaboration songs this year (French Montana), but this one is stuffed with people I respect, and I was expecting a lot more.

YOU BLEW IT BLONDIE, MOBB DEEP, INSPECTAH DECK, and U-GOD....YOU LOWERED YOURSELF TO COOLIO'S LEVEL LIKE FIFTEEN YEARS AGO - AND YOU EARNED A SPOT ON THIS LIST.



2012 WORST SIDEKICK / PRODUCER
Leatha Face (Leatha Fase)

This guy singlehandedly ruined the end of 2012 for us with his production work on the Hillside Scramblers nightmare that we've been reviewing. His beats are junk. At least his beats from the early 90's are junk...who knows what he's doing today. Plus, as U-God's right hand man, we've heard way to many of his incompetent rhymes from a decade ago. Hopefully, we won't cross paths as many times with this guy in the one-tre as we did in the one-deuce.


2012 WORST MIXTAPE TITLE
"The Cakeover" by Cako

What a joke.

IN CONCLUSION: That's it! This list should be on the "Wost" side of 2012, no? hatever, I hope your 2013 is more like the Stack Boys and less like the $tack Boys.

2012 SCORE 0/10

Track Check: CookieMonsta "IDAHO"

The reality of this post is worse...

We may as well keep on reviewing rap from Idaho because who else is doing that? Maybe we'll find a good track! Today we're going to check out the Idaho anthem "IDAHO" by CookieMonsta. Why not?


LET'S GET IT....


First of all, what in the hot hell kind of name is CookieMonsta? Oh, I can answer that: it's a stupid name. Really stupid. The stupidest? Are you sure you're not from Washington State CookieMonsta? I'm starting to suspect.... Actually, were are you from? Idaho Falls? Let's check the map:

Hahahaha!

DAMMIT! That's right next to Wyoming and Montana. We're not going to hear good music from here. At least it's a "big city", 130k in the entire "metro" area. Yeah, that'll help. I see that hip hop has officially made it to places that it doesn't belong. Listen, Idaho Falls, rap isn't a good fit for your community. I don't know what kind of music you listen to, but stick with that.  Church music or atheist music or whatever. I don't know. Please leave rapping to people who have things to worry about besides corn futures. Or else get mad creative...like blow every one's mind in the world with your awesome beats and rhymes.


Things are looking way down...let's just do the stupid song:


let's get it.



ZzzzzZZZZZzzzzz. That's about the most generic cut and paste rap song I've ever heard. Plus you sound mad timid on your hook, you know, the hook where you say "Idaho" like you're falling asleep. That's your HOME, you don't weakly say that shit with your mouth, that shit is in your heart. I would be pumping that shit up. If I were to say "IDAHO" and I was from there, it would hurt other people and make them scared. Twerk that. Let's check the weaky weakers chorus:

"I'm from...Idaho / I'm from...Idaho
I'm from...Idaho / I'm from...Idaho"

That's neat. Let's try that chorus with a different state and see if it works:

"I'm from...Georgia/ I'm from...Georgia
I'm from...Georgia/ I'm from Georgia"

Well, I'll be. It works the same way and is just as boring with any state. Innovate that mess.

Next? Sigh. Some boasting about being "country", something about "stayin' blown", "Bud Light", "Jungle Juice". Bragging about getting ladies, something, something. HAHAHA. He brags about representing the "208" which is the same area code that Benji has on the other side of the state! Now that's non-specific representing! Yo! Philly has like eight area codes in the metro area. HAHAHAH!

I think I'm half way through the song. Let's see, they get up early in the morning HAHAH. That's a sucka move. Then this:

"I-D-A-HO depending on how my day go

I stay in and lay low or hit the road with that tre-four"

Hahah! No you don't. Wow. The description of the East Idaho ladies is just amazing and gross. Ladies! Gross Ladies! Whew, that's it. The song SUCKS and so does the STATE. Get me outta here.

IDAHO Score 0/10 (song and state)

Stay Cool?

Okay, maybe we neet to post up some examples of how this should be done. Let's go with Philadelphia, PA (the Tort Team's home). Maybe we can find some decent songs about that place:

 

That's how it's done Idaho, even if you're not from Philly you can see that Jakk Frost is proud of his city and he shows you why it's a good place. Lot's of love and respect in this song. So, Idaho, get back to workin' the land and stay off the mic.

Track Checker: Benji "Life is a Struggle"



Put a shirt on already.



It seems like 2012 has been the year of Washington State Rap here at the Tortoise General Blog. We know this is not a good thing. In fact, it's a terrible thing, but what are we gonna do? Change? We can't change. We're here now. I HATE Washington State Rap, so let's try and change. Obama! Today we're going to move east and try to clean things up around here. At least we've got to get out of Washington. So let's go east all the way to Idaho and see what rap is looking like out there. It's gotta be better than Washington right?


So let's start with a rapper named Benji from Lewiston, Idaho. Where? You know LEWISTON. Middle of nowhere. Population 30,000. The main tourist attraction is literally a hill. That place.

So while I'm getting started and gathering information, I'm experiencing something new here as a reviewer...something I don't understand: I'm feeling pity. I don't really want to write a negative review. I haven't heard Benji's music yet, but after looking at his photo and then seeing what city and state he represents, I'm feeling a little depressed. What the fuck can a kid do in Lewiston, Idaho for money? For a career? I mean, there isn't even a highway. Holy shit. I mean, a lot of people have shitty futures where I came up, but at least there were millions of other people near me and we have a lot of highways. What are the jobs in Lewiston?  Agriculture, paper, and timber. And let me add as a guess: Walmart & fast food. Great. Ugh. Hey! You're screwed Benji!

Before we listen to Life is a Struggle I'm going to go ahead and guess that this song is going to suck. Sure, Benji probably has real struggles, but I can't imagine his rhyme game is all that together. He probably hasn't put in the required work. Plus, there's a big difference in artistic output between someone who struggles with his job as  a farmer and someone who is worried about getting shot constantly because they live in the worst imaginable conditions. It is a completely different thing. I'm not saying that someone from Lewiston, Idaho can't rap about the struggles that he is facing, but I am saying that he better be mad creative about it and INNOVATE. Impress. You gotta bring ill rhymes, a new perspective, and you gotta be mad clever son. I don't want to hear your version of New York hip hop, I want to hear dope shit.

So let's go...(you'll have to scroll to it!)...

Oh brother. Dude. I mean, DUDE? What is that? Is the beat stole? Who knows?

I guessed it, the rhymes are awful right from the jump:

"I gotta keep tryin' / stop that cryin'

Live strong 'til you be dyin'

and I be supplyin'/ helpin' all the kids who like fryin'"

It goes on and on like that...for FOUR MINUTES. DUDE you should have never been cryin'. Geez. But not only are the rhymes dumb, the logic is confusing. Late in the song Benji delivers this line:

"I would write a song about my father / he don't deserve more than one line"

Okay, got it. That's crystal clear. Less than one line. Except that the next five lines (at least) are about your father. Say wha? Did you forget already?

And it gets worse, the next portion of the song is dedicated to resolving the conflict between the Bloods and the Crips, which I'm sure are a big problem on the potato farm.

"I ain't no Blood, and I ain't no Crip.

How about we start off and share our perspectives

and then we can kick another puff to help that stressin'" 

Boom! Problem solved. Benji, you should go to California and just get that whole gang situation sorted out. It's a mess down there. Start the perspective sharing, now....WAIT, someone on my staff is telling me that Benji isn't talking about solving the gang problem in those lines, he's just talking about how he can solve some of his personal disputes. OKAY! REALLY? I hope not because that's worse and dumber. Yo! You can't talk shit for an ENTIRE SONG and make a ton of (empty) threats and then talk about problem solving by sharing perspectives. GOOD GRIEF. It's no wonder Idaho hasn't made an impact on the national level: you suck (yeah, the pity is completely gone).

So, the song ends with this:

"That's the end of my song

and one day, my hope's that ya'll be singing along"

Yeah. We'll do that Benji, let's just try that now with the rest of your lyrics on this song...EVERYBODY SING:

"Reppin' the Two-Oh-Eight!

Yeah! Idaho State!

You better not hate!

Yeeeeaaahhh!

It' done."

That WAS nice...and such memorable lyrics! Plus, dream-come-true time for you, right? We all sang together. It was beautiful...probably not as beautiful as your town's hill, but still...it was something.

In Conclusion: Benji may be bad at rapping and may not have the best future lined up, but we were able to help him out make-a-wish style. Also, Idaho sucks at rap but it's not as bad as Washington State, and, uh, Benji: step your game up and MOVE AWAY FROM IDAHO...DON'T GO TO WASHINGTON THOUGH. Maybe Utah? I don't know. Whatever. Get a job as an orthodontist or something. Get the paper on a non-rap career path, you might actually be good at not rapping! IDAHO!

Life is a Struggle Score 0/10 

Put some clothes on, Jeez! And What are you doing out there?

Yo! That's Your Theme Song: Portlandia

This image is relevant...just wait.

Sometimes life takes a strange turn and surprises you with something that you don’t expect. For me that strange turn involved the genuinely funny IFC show Portlandia and the surprise was how the theme song of the show, Feel It All Around by Washed Out, got deeply embedded in my head and continues to be lodged in there like some sort of unmovable stone. I like the song a lot, but at the same time I hate the song because I can’t understand what they’re singing about and when I hear it playing in my head all day and night I just have an impression of the music, not the actual music, the song is just too much like what you hear when you get the gas at the dentist…it's spaced out music. In my head it’s just irritating moaning, but I still love the song even though it's not hip hop. I also love the show.

“Yo! This ain’t got nothing to do with hip hop” – You.

Hold on a minute, friend. Last night I looked up this song on YouTube to try to get it out of my head by listening to it a lot of times. You know, like quitting smoking by smoking a whole pack and getting sick. Well, it didn’t work; the song is still up there. Anyway, guess what I found: a hip hop version of the song! For one thing: oh brother, and for another thing, I didn’t listen to it. I had to hear the original again and again (I’ve got a problem). So today I’m going to go ahead and review the hip hop version. Fun? No way, but what else do you have going on? A rim job*?
*I don't know what that is, so we'll say that I meant that it has something to do with cars.

I would guess that Portland, Oregon is not an incubator for dope authentic hip hop. I mean I’ve heard hip hop from Seattle, and that’s close to Oregon, but I hope this isn’t as bad as that. But on the other hand I’ve also been surprised by great hip hop coming out of weird states like North Carolina and Kentucky, so this might have a chance.

Enough talk, let’s do this thing.

Let’s start with the fantastic and non-hip hop original track: Washed Up’s Feel It All Around, but let me warn you: this song is very dangerous and will get stuck in your head and ruin your life.

Oh man that is too good. Beard! Real whispy!

"Weeee feeeeeel it allllll arooooonnnnnnnd daaaahhhhhh saaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

you'lllllllllllllll knnnnnnooooow it's juuuuuuuuuusss aaahhhhh noooooooo aahhhhh naaaaaaaaayy-aaahhhhhhhhh"

 Now for the hip hop rap version:

HIT THE BREAKS! That song WAS FROM WASHINGTON! DAMMIT. Wha? WHAT? It wasn't a Portland song?  If I had known that I wouldn't have listend to it. We already knew that Washington sucks a rap, so this whole song sucking shouldn't be a surprise.

Otherwise, that was exactly what I expected. OK anTONE? Who are you and why are you here? I noticed your song is called "Puget Soundia", so...anTONE is clearly an idIOT. "idIotia"? What did you say when you watched the show "Portlandia", anTONE? 

"This show is about Oregon and even though that's an entirely different state than Washington, AND even though the two states probably some kind of dumb rivalry I'll go ahead and use that clearly non-rap beat and make terrible lyrics over it about the Puget Sound. Oregon is close enough to Seattle for me."

You know what anTONE? Two things: 1. From now on I'm not spelling "Antone" like a dumbass and 2. Find a fucking beat that somehow represents your city and quit acting like an idiot. "Puget Soundia" is the DUMBEST song title ever in the history of the Earth. It stinks. "You're fired!" - Donald Trump to you. The Puget Sound SUCKS ANYWAY, I learned that from these two dunces.

ANTONE IS A DUMBASS, 206!

As for your lyrics? They suck. Here are the hashtags I would assign to your lyrics:

#fifthgrade #cowardly #lame #lol #weak #biter #poser #fronting #unoriginal #getalife

Let's just skip to the last line of the song so you know what kind of guy we're dealing with:

"If you like what you hear then turn this fucking jam up"

Okay, that's a normal line, but YOU SPIT IT WHEN THE SONG IS FADING OUT. How can we turn it up Antone? The song is over when you say that. You're over. GOOD GRIEF.

Done.com...you're done. What a joke. And why do Seattle rappers talk so much about getting signed? You won't get signed because you SUCK and your state is getting a really bad rap reputation. A bad raputation. Quit talking about it, focus on the raps and quit using profanity just to use it (like a kid), SAY SOMETHING YOU LOW LIFE.

So let's review: Antone sucks at lyrics, Antone sucks at picking beats. Portlandia is a funny show.

Also, WASHINGTON STATE HAS SOLIDIFIED IT'S POSITION AS THE WORST STATE IN AMERICA AT RAPPING AND WYOMING IS A STATE.

Feel It All Around Score 10/10

Portlandia Score 10/10
Puget Soundia Score 0/10

And another hip hop song on this beat...stop it, please. At least this one is actually from Oregon, but that doesn't make it okay. Okay? Okay, I'm guessing that this isn't bad by local Oregon standards, but by big tyme international standards this is shit. It's like rich people rapping about their college. Sustainable hip hop? GOOD GRIEF? Rythmic drip drop? GOODER GRIEF. #eattherich. #sinkoregon. #WAhastheworstrappers

Uh, I guess there is also a whole Portlandia mixtape...we'll have to get to that later. A lot later. We're not that motivated. At least that song is kind of out of my head now.

Don't let these rappers discourage you Fred & Carrie! Keep on joking and picking good theme songs.