Thursday, November 15, 2012

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Bay Bay "Guap-A-Holic"

Sup nerds? Are you chillin’ at the D-Hall or are you up in the dorms with your slam piece? #YOLO – If you understood any of that then FUCK YOU! Get the fuck out of this blog. This shit is for the common man, not you college fuckers.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, we can begin.
Here we go again with another Tort Team mixtape review! Classic Shit! Everybody loves these except for two groups: the people who review the “music”, and the people who make the “music” and get insulted when we hate it and mock it.
Today we’re looking at “Guap-A-Holic” by Bay Bay, and I can honestly say that I’ve never heard anything off of this before. No one has.  I don’t even know where he’s from. But I do know that he’s like an alcoholic, only with guap (whatever the f that is) and with extra hyphens. Maybe a shop-a-holic? #malls
So I looked up Bay Bay’s profile on Datpiff and discovered that he is from “Cincinnati, Ohio/Nc/Florida”. So, three states.  I also noticed that he has three mixtapes on there, and this one is by far the most popular (with 270 listens). So maybe it’s his best one! I hope so, I could go for some good hip hop today.
Let’s get it.

“Guapamole’s on deck.” – HERE WE GO. This is just a normal intro. "Stupid" guap. Gun shots. Air Horns. Cash register sounds. Oh Brother. At least it's short.

Are you getting’ guap? Am I getting guap? I don’t know. Who in the heck is that robot talking on the track? The further I got into this song, the less I understand what was going on. By the time the beat dropped, I’d lost track of almost everything. I get that Bay Bay says that he is a Guap-a-holic, but I didn't understand much’s mostly gibberish. Is your money getting stacked high, or is it steady fallin’? I don't know! Once the verse starts – I’ve got no idea what Bay Bay is talking about at all. It’s not that the slang is tricky, it’s that the production is awful and Bay Bay sounds like he has a mouth full of gravel. Hey, Bay Bay, it’s cool you use slang and all that jazz, but the listener has to understand some of what you are saying. It’s the law.
I think this song is mostly about money. Guap on guap.
“Guap-a-holic, I’m fantastic / Money super long stretched out like plastic”
Fine. Go to rehab.

3. Wow
Bay Bay takes this chorus very mellow…like he was telling it to his grandma on the phone:
“my neck like wwooowww
my wrist like wwooowww
oh you gettin
mad cuz your boy likes the styyyyyle

my hat like wwooowww
my shoes like wwooowww

oh you gettin mad cuz your boy likes the styyyyyle”
Wow. When he says “wow”, I say “stop that annoying stuff”. The echo is stupid on this song, especially in the second verse. But, I'm not getting mad Bay Bay, like you thought I would. In fact, I'll call out a line that I actually like:

“My clothes super fresh, like I’m sponsored by Crest”
Good one! Well, I don’t really care about your clothes at all. In fact, I bet they’re dumb looking, but that line made me smirk. And in the end, that decent line is balanced out by this piece of shit.
“Y’all n***as rap cool, but I’m hot like a volcano”
And this:
“Canary yellow, red ruby, diamonds like tomatoes
I’m fresh to death, brown Tims look like a potato
I’m shittin on you n****s, clogin’ shit, fuck Draino
The Diamonds in my ears the same size as mangoes”

That’s fruity and stupid. A tomato red diamond is terrible. Potato shoes are terrible. Mangoes are huge. What color are we talking about here? Yellow? Red? I have to know! WTF color is a mango?

A tomato colored diamond this size is on your ear asshole?
It gets worse from there. Bay Bay sounds like he is on the other side of the room from the mic for the second verse. Plus he’s just talking played out jazz (make it rain). Please, do that (sarcastic).

4.Wow Remix
When you have a big hit like “Wow” the “fans” always demand a remix. It is odd to put the original and the remix back to back on the album, but I see why Bay Bay did it. The first time I heard the hook on this remix I almost spit out my coffee. HOLY SHIT! Bay Bay blew the fuck out of autotune. It’s hilarious. If the original version of “Wow” was too restrained this one is too over the top. I mean he blows that chorus up.
Then we get autotune for the whole song, and it is just blasted into your ears.

This is a first: I'm going to recommend this song. IF YOU WANT A LAUGH PLAY THE ORIGINAL VERSION OF “WOW” THEN PLAY THE REMIX. If you don’t laugh, then you should probably go to the doctor.
5.Swag So Stupid
It really delights me to hear a person who I have no respect for boast about how stupid his whole life is. I agree, your shit is stupid. This song is kind of nice in that way. Swagtastic. The autotune is so stupid. The chorus is so stupid. This whole album is so stupid. Fuck ya life.

6. Its' Showtime Cincinnati
Ohio has established itself as a good state for hip hop. Besides the obvious Bone Thugs, we also have the more credible Killarmy from somewhere over there. So, that’s big time. (I think Machine Gun Kelly is also from there, but fuck him). I don’t think anyone has come from Cincinnati specifically though. So I guess this is showtime. I’ve said it before, if you're calling out your home as the focus of a track, you had better go big. You are representing a lot of people. This song will be my first exposure to Cincinnati rap. Don’t screw it up.
OH WAIT A MINUTE. Hi-Tek is from Cincinnati and he’s a fucking master. He’s made several of my all-time favorite beats, so if this song is bad it will only tarnish his city.

And, guess what: THIS SONG IS A DISASTER. Bay Bay delivers the chours like hes yawning. Where is that energy from the Wow Remix? Let's take a look at the Cincinnati boasts, "it's showtime 'nati - I ain't talkin HBO"...
"My city dirty, but we clean like H2O" - what?

"Steady grind, put it on for my state /
my city eatin' good, takin' scraps off ya plate" - neat.
"My city gon' be good (Nah!) / my city gon' be great (Yeah!)/
this is our year / big up Ohio State
I'm gettin' hella bread / I'm gettin' hella guap
What's my city home? My city can't be stopped "- so cool

All of that is from the first verse. So then we have another listen to the (terrible) chorus, then Bay Bay just kind of rambles about how he needs a second verse, but he doesn't deliver one. The beat just kind of rolls on for like a minute straight. So Bay Bay gave up. He did it half-assed.

7.Pills Burry

Pills Burry? Like Pillsbury! "Let the making begin". Poke that little dude in the stomach. Hahaha! Splendid!

Air horns! Gun Shots! DJ Marrow gets big respect at the beginning of this track from whoever the hell is talking! And I'm glad to DJ Marrow as well, even though I don't know who he is. At least this track has some energy. And lot's of money talk. Money! Money! Money! Money Money! Money! THIS SONG IS ABOUT MONEY!

Bay Bay isn't making it rain, he's making it STORM! NO DUH!

The chorus sounds like it's saying that Bay Bay is "eating" money. DO THAT! Choke on it.

So this is a normal song, the best so far, but still pretty dumb. Unless you like hearing about someone talk about clothes, which I do not.

Now the last guy to rap on here has a very annoying voice.  Is Chris Tucker on here? With his joke voice? I doubt it, but he does say

"Money got me comfy / My chain is retarded,
they call my diamond dummies"

Skip this track!

8. Pop Lock An Drop It Freestyle
I love freestyles. When a talented dude drops one, it's like magic. But they're like poison on rookie mixtapes. They make a guy who already sounds awful look dumb too. Let's see if Bay Bay can do it.

Nope. He sounds confident, but his rhymes stink. In fact there aren't many rhymes on here at all. Oh wait, the first guy isn't Bay Bay! That joke was on me. Who rhymed first? Noody knows! Well, whoever it was, that guy can't rhyme. The second guy (whose voice sounds bad) is Bay Bay, and does a lot better, but his shit is clearly pre-written. Step ya freestyle skills up, boys.

9.Off Da Meter

A Rasta jump off and a hook that sounds a little more professional than the norm for Bay Bay? What is this? Did Bay Bay get some str8 talk? Did he get scared straight by some older rappers who have already been spit out the tail of rap? Even Bay Bay's first lines are okay:

"Black beater, yeah I'm fly like Peter Pan
Keep a tool on my waist like a meter man.
And fuck a bulletproof vest, I'm shootin head shots
have ya brain hangin from your head like dreadlocks"

Not bad! But still this song isn't that good. Bay Bay just doesn't have the delivery skills. I think he needs a little bit better beat, and a lot better finishing. But otherwise this is the best song so far, but it's still not good.

Eh, and the Foghorn Leghorn clip at the end needs to be ejected.

10.Im Still Fly
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! This is the beat and hook from the Drake song of the same name. It's so dumb. Bay Bay does okay, but still - expand ya subject matter, sir. This whole thing is a disappointment - and that's really saying something for someone who I expect to fail at everything.

Bay Bay mentions that he is "strapped like a car seat", which is okay, but at the end of the verse he says that he stays "strapped, call me same sex", and I don't know what that means exactly, and I don't want to know.

Also, Bay Bay, what cities are you shutting down?

Other than that, you can skip this song and move on with your life and you won't be missing anything.

11.Let Me Hold Suhn
Hi! Is "hold shun" supposed to be like hold something, or hold son? What is your customer service hotline number so I can ask?

Let me tell you right off, reader, that you're not going to like this at all. Besides a loop that sounds like it was taken from Tron and fucked up, it also features Bay Bay's "homegirl", "Little Miss" from "California". And she's on almost the whole shit. Not much rapping! And guess what: Little Miss has the best song. In fact, she's the high point of the album. She sounds good on the beat. If you could just get Bay Bay off of this shit you'd be in good shape!
12. Bitch I Got It
Oh no. What is this Kreayshawn? V-Nasty? Now we've got rookies copying that shit. I STAY HATIN THAT MESS. You can take this song and jettison it into space. Ejection. What a crap shoot. And by that I mean shit shot into my ears. Fuuuck this. I'm hoping that BAY BAY can save this one, but that's like hoping that Gargamel will save the Smurfs. He isn't going to help - he's going to fuck everything up.

Well, Bay Bay does exactly what I expected - he Hurricane Katrina's this shit with autotune. It's so overwhelming and awful that you just want to get it over with and move on. When the auto-tune levees broke.
13. my chain got pneumonia
HOLD ON BAYBAY, pneumonia is a serious medical condition. Pneumonia is the leading cause of death  in all age groups, especially in children under five and the elderly. Pneumonia kills 4 million people a year, and most of them live in poverty. So: clever title, Baybay’s chain has pneumonia, and so does 150 million children in the developing world.  Baybay’s chain is sick, and 30% of small children sick with pneumonia will die. YOU NAILED THAT TITLE.

What was I saying again? Oh yeah, your song sucks. Don't worry about putting this on your greatest hits CD Bay Bay.
14.Till I Fall
How in the fuck can you fall when you haven't even been up yet? So far Bay Bay has bit every shitty rap move that a person could bite, so why not take a chomp off of "chopped and screwed"? Take a big juicy bite Bay Bay. Sink your teeth in. Copy some established shit. 

Bay Bay, you weak ass fucking clown, can you make a song without sounding like everyone else. Are you trying to be popular? "AH YEH BAYBAY IS AS GOOD AS DRAKE OMG #YOLO" - kids. This is almost the last song on here and I can safely say that your whole shit is wack.

15. Outro
Well, Bay Bay told us that we were going to feel this. He lied. I felt disappointed with the direction that hip hop in general is going. I felt bored. I felt irritated.

Bay Bay says that this is a movement. It is not. Trash rap is a movement, and you're definitely hanging onto that like a crab.

If I were from Ohio I would be ashamed of this shit. Please sign out. Sign out forever.

IN CONCLUSION: Why would someone put airhorn in every song? Why would someone put autotune in almost every song? Immature? Head Injury?
Lack of talent? Sure all of those things.

I think this should be retitled Fake-a-holic.

When you spend your life coping other people, it's because you're afraid to be yourself. Who are you trying to impress Bay Bay? Really think about it. Why did you make this? Do you want people to respect you the way that they respect Drake? Do you have a hole inside you that you can't fill? Listen, buddy, trying to be someone else won't help. Tattoos won't help. Cars and money won't help. You have to figure this out for yourself. Go to therapy.

Bay Bay, please try to work through your self esteem issues, but don't do it on wax.


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