Yo! Check Out My Cover: "Quap Gettaz"

--Official Stats--
Artist: Parlae, Yo Gotti, Starlito, Young Buck, SlickPulla, GucciMane+ More
Album: Quap Gettaz True Trap Xcluzives (mixtape)
Release Date: September 3, 2010
Listens: 490

This is where I review an album cover without listening to the album. Enjoy.

Imagine you're walking around Zoo Atlanta with your family. You're making friends and checking out the Parakeets when you venture off a bit to get a Coke. Suddenly you are snared in a trap and find yourself blindfolded in the back of a crunk van. After a short drive you're pulled out and the blindfold is removed. It turns out that you're at some abandoned "parts and salvage" building. Is this a nightmare or a mixtape album cover? Wait, you're surrounded! Your captors introduce themselves (as listed in the album description):

Parlae of Dem Franchize Boyz
Yo Gotti - A/K/A Lil Yo from J Records
Starlito - A/K/A the All $tar Cashville Prince, from Cash Money Records
Young Buck
Slick Pulla from United Streets Dopeboyz of America and the Corporate Thugs
Gucci Mane
and you also see the Bo$$ Ri¢k Ro$$ (without his famous chain of his own face)

This is serious. But it gets worse, the mastermind behind the whole operation is called "http://mrelectriccity.wordpress.com/" (a website!) who you immediately know by his alternate name "U Know I Got Them Xcluzives". It doesn't look good. (That website is hilariously listed as presenting the album, wtf?)

So let's examine the scene. All of these rappers are known as "Quap Gettas" and trappers, and everybody knows what those two terms mean. Actually not many people do, but from your experience "Back Door Boomin'" with Young Buck you know that Quap Gettas are quick money makers and trappers are rappers who wear t-shirts.

The abandoned building is just a common place that trappers use as a hideout and to keep their wheelbarrows of cash and to rap (seriously, wheelbarrows? I hope there isn't a gust of wind). It looks like a dreadful place, and, trust me, you're not getting rescued if you're a hostage there, I mean there is trash everywhere and nobody wants anything to do with Quap Gettas. But you notice something odd as you cower in fear, among the five hostage takers standing before you (one has a vest and a machine gun, so he was probably in the Navy Seals...Also, is he kneeling in the Wheelbarrow? Because his legs don't touch the ground.) There are stacks of money that have fallen to the ground. Rick Ro$$ (the guy on the far left with the sunglasses who looks like he is saying "I have an idea!") is standing near some money that fell out of a wheelbarrow, but the stack is bigger than his shoe! You realize that these aren't real people, they've been poorly superimposed! And that's not real money, it was also superimposed, it's not even kind of flying around that middle guy at all (or is it falling out of his hat?). Those guys were never even there! It even looks like their chains were superimposed on their chests. You're all alone. Or are you?

You soon realize that you were never really a hostage, you were still at the zoo and everything was superimposed the whole time (that building even looks somehow fake). It was a birthday surprise from your loving wife. Happy Birthday, this cover is awful.

Art Score: 0/10
Review Score: 0/10

 

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Yo! That's a Mixtape: Joshua Egbuson "Hang Loose"

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Joshua Egbuson "Hang Loose"

"I'm thinking of a name."

--Official Stats--

Artist: Joshua Egbuson

Album: “Hang Loose” (Mixtape)

Release Date: January 10, 2011

Number of listens: 9

I’m in a good mood today. I just got through listening to a terrible mixtape by a couple of kids who really did a bad job at everything. It was really bad, but you know what? These guys had some clever punchlines and clearly had fun making their tape. They knew their album wasn’t the best and I could hear their good attitude in their raps, it turned out to be a good listening experience even though it was bad rap. It put me in a good mood, which is why I come here today feeling merciful toward my next official review: “Hang Loose” by Joshua Egbuson (great title). But hold on, “Hang Loose” might also be “a musical group by Joshua Egbuson and Jason Sebera”. Oh boy. Let the chaos begin, right?

So, Joshua Egbuson (also known as Josh.e) is a Rwanda based Nigerian Rapper, he just appeared in the online hip hop community in December of 2010 and a few weeks later released this album (his debut). Then he started talking about going to South Africa and disappeared. I hope he’s okay. Also, isn’t that just the way nowadays with rappers and Dave Chappelle?

Well, not much else to say so let’s dig in…

1. (Intro) Hang Loose

Instantly I see that Josh.e is better at production than most of his peers. The vocal production is very close to being right. How did that happen? I’m already impressed. Good Mood! Okay! Well, even with decent production Josh’s vocals are a little too sleepy and laid back for my taste, but they actually sound okay for this slow beat. What is going on here? Things are actually okay? I can review this like a regular album? Great, here we go…

So, right off: breath control is an issue with Josh.e to the point that it’s distracting. Also, Josh could use a little more vocal force in his rhymes. He sounds like he reading them while reclined in his easy chair (do they have those in Rawanda or Nigeria or whatever?). Also, the production breaks down significantly around the chorus. "Ya gotta keep ya tempo up and ya mic distance steady, son" - me. Also, the chorus isn’t bad.

I’ll just be straight; the lyrics are weak (and juvenile). Okay? Well, just look at this:

“It’s easy to find me, cuz, as for the guy with the nicest bars,

probably chillin’ on Mars,

you two days from ninth and tenth grade

Sittin on a shade, roll play…waitin’ for that day

For some superstar to pick me up

Lookin better than ever, call me Donald Duck”

Huh? Does Donald Duck look good? NEXT…

2. In The Moment

“Uuuuuuhhhhhhhh”-Master P (and the pain sound I made when I heard this track start). So this is a typical Rawandan poppy-teen rap song (I guess). Josh.e sounds all of twelve, and the beat sounds all of bad. WAIT!!! HOLY CRAP! HE ACTUALLY IS 12! HE SAYS IT IN THIS SONG! I GUESSED IT! I’M OFF TO BUY A LOTTERY TICKET, JACKHOLES!

So…what else? Oh yeah, the lyrics are awful. Maybe they’re good for a twelve year old or maybe not. Who knows (twelve year olds I guess)? I do know they are bad for me:

Sittin’ on my skyscraper writing math class papers

Eh.

Caught you there, sorry. This ain’t no Toy Story

Seven-four-seven flight on my way to Flori…

Duh! You [roger dat*]?

Me comprendo. I live like a ‘G’ - Not a gringo

Moving on…Duh!

*Probably not actual lyrics

3.Fast Lane

Whoa there! This track really picks up the pace, yet somehow Josh still sounds lazy on the mic. He mentions that he is five-foot-three, and he says that it means something (but what exactly it means is incomprehensible). Okay. And here is the chorus:

Live the fast lane, every eye on me

Live the fast lane, more bread than a patisserie

Livin’ fast (in the lane)

Livin’ fast (in the lane)

Livin’ life (in the lane!)

Livin’ fast (fast lane)

4.Coolin'

Back to that smooth sound that Josh.e is known for, and you know, Josh’s twelve-year-old voice sounds kind of like Kidz Bop, so that’s not a good thing.

Well, this is a bit of a mystery. Josh’s horrible chorus is way overproduced while the production on his verses is very sloppy. What? Plus, it’s kind of hard to understand what he talking about as his words are unintelligible. He definitely mentions girls a lot (your girl in particular), flights to Peru, haters, getting paper, and “real ‘ish’” – you know, normal Coolin’ stuff.

5.Class Memories

“Yeah! Big dreams. That’s all I got to say. Class memories.” – Josh.e

Remember your school days? Sure you do. Lot’s of fun right? Fun and memories. Well, let’s let Josh lead us down memory lane (unless you’re currently in high school, then it’s more of currently lane?). This beat is unbearable, as is Josh’s singing. Even if you had the lyrics to this song printed out, there would still be no way that you could understand what you’re hearing.

Oh, and what memories does Josh.e call to mind: waking up early, breakfast, picture painting, Cinderella, midterm grades, doing poorly in a class, having a talk with your teacher, getting hit by your dad and getting a “blue nose”, Kill Bill, and especially big dreams. For real!

The song ends with some advice to “be on your way to stardom”: “Always follow your dreams and dream big. Hang loose…keep it fresh too, and keep it ‘G’.” Okay! I’m going to start that right now. New Year’s resolution.

6.Laid Back

Allright! A ‘Maybach Music’ beat (and it’s not bad and it’s kind of upbeat, so good "using someone else's beat" skills). But, this has a terrible chorus (laid back is rhymed with eight track). I mean awful, like lots of off-beat singing and repeating.  The lyrics aren’t much better either:

I’m superfly, as I said I’m super high

I’m flying in the sky like some kind of bird

Coming from the words…words of my mouth that I spit like errdoo*!

*Sounds like errdoo

7.Outro

A little Kanye West for the outro. That’s just a nice touch. Also, I could hear that on Kanye’s album, so not that nice of a touch. No touching!

8.Christmas Carol

Jingle Bells! We get a Christmas bonus track! I love Christmas! All the gifts and the cheer and whatever. Now, we’ve got a high tech beat from...eh, who cares (that applies to all these beats), and some lyrics…

Uh! Christmas here, I’m fin’da shoutin’ cheer

Get up on the dance floor there is no beer

Turned up, I’m fully geeked out

Can’t wait for New Year’s Eve

Happy people stand up (stand up!)

You know what it is. Get da boot.

We ‘bout to go ape like we bumpin’ in the zoo

Camo shorts on tryin to keep it coo’

Got a nice Christmas, think about it in the coupe

Pass the cups all around me like a three-six

[knock wood*] so fly like a G6

People say I’m mature for my age but

I’m just a [sewer town*] learnin’ different ways hey

No [sauce or a barrel*]

Josh.e givin’ you the Christmas Carol

*Probably not actual lyrics

So this Christmas Carol is about looking forward to New Years and other non-Christmas related things. Merry Christmas!

Well, this was a big waste of time. Seriously, we’re reviewing very bad mixtapes by twelve year olds. Worse, with all the other garbage we listen to here, this actually sounds kind of good. Is this the bottom? Can it get any worse? Seriously, this kid is decent at using his Macbook Pro to make his raps sound not awful over other people’s beats (he is a “Macbook Pro Flippa” after all, as he says). But he is a kid and his raps sound like a kid rapping. I can’t believe I’m writing this. Is that what you want to hear? A kid rapping? No. Of course not, nobody wants to hear that ever. You know what else? We judge the success of our blog based on how many “hits” we get, this post will bring in nothing. Honestly, nobody will read this. Zero hits. Well maybe Josh.e will spot his name in a search and come and read through this mess, but he’ll just get angry at our largely negative review. So what’s the point? What’s the point of anything? My good mood is officially gone.

Keep rapping Josh.e, at least you know someone is listening carefully.

Score 0/10

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Check the Bio, Son: Ludacris

Check the Bio, Son: Ludacris

Get back to the sex room!

It looks like Def Jam is quickly becoming my favorite place to look at terrible rap artist biographies. Why? They use their artist biographies to market albums (which is dumb), and the person who writes them comes off as some sort of starving artist lowlife...you know big words and grand ideas. So, after “doing” Method Man with an embarrassing bio, Def Jam decided to "do" Ludacirs the same way. Huzzah (well, huzzah for everyone but Ludacris)! The funny thing is that Luda probably doesn't even know about this mess since it's just record company bullshit and nobody would ever look an official bio becasue bio's are stupid and boring. Let's go!

Now, I’m relatively indifferent to Ludacris, I don't like him or hate him, his music has never appealed to me. He comes across as a gimmicky rapper who can throw punchlnes like Mike Tyson but doesn't have much depth. A lot of people do like him though. A whole lot. So nobody can argue with his success. He's sold a ton of records, he's maintained strong sales for over a decade, and he has a dedicated fanbase. He has the ability to change with the times and he's just got a good thing going. Good for him! Now with all that, I’m not saying I don’t like him, I just don’t listen to his music. So let’s see if his official biography can change my mind.

Well, right off things are looking good (bad)! As usual, the record company is using the biography to promote an album, but this time it’s actually a current album, kind of! March of 2010! The album is “Battle of the Sexes”, an album that I haven’t heard (I know! Do I even listen to hip hop?). So the bio says that Luda’s goal for this “spirited” album was to give “men and women equal billing”. Good grief. So, definitely not sexist then? That’s like the CEO of Coors giving a lecture on the evils of alcohol. It just doesn’t make sense. No comprende. I don't even listen to Ludacris and I know that he's talking shit. Prediction: this is a typical chauvinistic rap album.

So Ludacris's biography really starts to dig into the contents the album, and it sounds really awful (like me as a person). The second paragraph describes how there are two sides to every relationship (really?), and that “male artists” tend to give the “male perspective” (do they?). Apparently Luda thought that hip hop needed a balance and “that’s why this album had to come out”. Trust me, this is exactly what hip hop fans want.

Now we get into the shit:

Given his penchant for taking humorous approaches to potentially incendiary topics, Ludacris felt that he needed to address one of the most puzzling double standards between men and women. Enter the feisty "Hey Ho," featuring Lil’ Kim. "Why is it that when men sleep around they’re considered players but when women sleep around they’re considered hoes?" Ludacris says. "It’s just putting that question out there and it’s almost waiting for discussion and debate."

Enter the pompus biographer. Who wrote this? Really? “Perchant” for “humorous approaches” to “potentially incendiary topics”…that’s exactly how I would describe Luda. Apparently Def Jam is trying to impress Luda’s PhD fan base (Dear Def Jam, Nobody talks like that and you’re stupid. Sincerely, Everyone). And that “feisty” song Hey Ho, really sounds good (terrible). Hey Luda, EVERYONE has ALWAYS noticed that promiscuous men are labeled players and honored, while promiscuous women are derided. IT'S NOTHING NEW. IT'S NOT EVEN NEW IN RAP.

There’s no debate that men typically feel a sense of pride regarding their woman. On the muscular, screw-accented "My Chick Bad," Ludacris boasts about his lady’s physical attributes and her ability to bring the ruckus before passing the mic to Nicki Minaj, who energetically trumpets her own super hero-like badness.

Nicki Minaj energetically trumpeting and Luda boasting about a lady's physical attributes? Typical ATL shit! So, Ludacris's biography? Where is Ludacris from? Isn't that what biographys are for? How did he come up in the game? We may never know. But I wouldn't be surprised if this biography started promoting other Def Jam albums or artists. This isn't a biography, it's a biased album review you corporate losers.

"Is the hair in the biography at least?" - Your Hairdresser

It continues…

It’s one thing to be bad, and another to be naughty. Ludacris and longtime collaborator Shawnna create an ultra erotic atmosphere on "Feeling Sexy." Played out like an intense episode of phone sex, the rappers tag-team lines to one another describing the sensuality racing through their minds. For Ludacris, it was the thought that counts.

Ludacris gets ultra erotic with Shawnna?! Finally, a song that everybody can relate too (don’t deny it hater). Don’t we all just love “intense episodes of phone sex"? Yes. And listening to “rappers tag-team lines to one another describing the sensuality racing through their minds”? YES! We all love that. Hip Hop, you’ve finally grown up and become a man, no more baby stuff. Now it's time to step your phone sex game up. But wait, what is this line: “For Ludacris, it was the thought that counts," that makes no sense. We’ll never know what that was supposed to mean.

Well, if I were holding a stack of business papers I would throw them up in the air at this point and walk out of the room. "I'm done with this." Why? Because next Ludacris describes sex itself, it's his bio after all. He can do what he wants:

"The anticipation of sex may be close to or better than actually having sex at certain times," he reveals. "You know why? As a man, what it takes to get us to a point is really what gives us the rush that we need to feed our egos. When you actually do it and are done with it, you’re actually wondering what’s next. You look for the rush that got you to the point to want to do it in the first place. The actual act can be good, but what’s in your mind and your ego telling you that you want to do it is much greater at certain times than the actual act itself. That’s a drug. That is what can drive you insane."

Just like an article from Glamour Magazine! Cool. Great points. Go on "Dr. Drew" as an expert witness for the sexecution! This is a sexy, sexy bio. We’re learning a lot about Luda and our bodies! Let’s go on.

Remember that whole equal voices for men and women thing? Well, in any Battle of the Sexes women need to remember one thing: men play dirty. Want proof? Ludacris drops a song with Flo-Rida, who is definitely NOT A WOMAN! Ha haha double team.

Indeed, the chase is often the most exhilarating portion of the conquest. The playful "Gotta Man" features Ludacris and guest Flo-Rida letting the woman they’re targeting know that they could care less if she’s in a relationship, engaged or married. They simply have to have her. Once the woman is his, Ludacris would surely invite her to his "Sex Room" and see "How Low" she could go. The former unites him with R&B crooner Trey Songz for a sex tutorial, while the latter takes a comical approach to watching a girl shaking what her momma gave her.

Ha haha! Take that, women! These boys don’t care about you at all. Well, except for “how low” you can go in the “sex room”. Any response women? Nope.

SEX ROOM! (AIR HORN)

In fact, "How Low" showcases Ludacris’ dazzling rap skills, as he mixes and matches complex flows and rhyme patterns with remarkable ease over a hyperactive beat. "I have so many different sides of my personality and my artistry and they all came out in that one record," he says. "It was extremely simple for me, which lets me know that that’s me. It’s a fun record."

“Dazzling rap skills”! We all use the word “dazzling” to describe things. It’s common, right? It’s just a dazzling word. And how was the album to make? “Simple”! “It’s a fun record!” Especially for the women confined to the sex room!

WAIT! STOP EVERTHING. STOP THE BIOGRAPHY/ALBUM REVIEW/SEX ROOM. This album also has a serious side:

But Battle Of The Sexes also has a more serious side. The spare, guitar-accented, Swizz Beatz-produced "Tell Me A Secret" with Ne-Yo invites women to release their inhibitions and confide in Ludacris.

Of course, it’s a thin line between love and hate, and "Can’t Live Without You," a smooth duet with Monica, could serve as the soundtrack to that truism. "It’s the craziest thing," he says. "No scientist could ever completely make an understanding of how the human mind works when you want to get rid of a woman but you want to be with her at the same time. There’s no explanation that could ever describe it better than that song can describe it."

By “serious” I mean, MORE POINTS FOR THE MEN IN THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES! HAhaha! With Ludacris women finally have a man they can “confide in” and “release their inhibitions to”. Women need that! They can’t live without men! Ha ahah. But now we get really serious: scientists and neurologists, you can quit your jobs! Ludacris and Monica have finally cracked the question of why, “you want to get rid of a woman but you want to be with her at the same time”. Yep. Take out the trash, Luda, except for what you want to keep. You see, “no scientist could ever completely make an understanding of how the human mind works… There’s no explanation that could ever describe it better than that song can describe it.” Yep, and now no scientist needs to make an understanding of anything ever. Thank you Ludacris and Monica. Response women? NOPE! Swish, one point for the men.

Now I’m going to jump to the last paragraph of the bio for a second. Luda points out that nobody has ever done this type of album before. That’s (not) true (at all). There has never been anything like Battle of the Sexes ever. The album will “create lively debate given its groundbreaking nature”. Sure it will, has the debate ever stopped since this album came out? No. Finally, Luda points out that men and women will never completely understand each other. I’ll give him that. But then the author of the Bio points out that this album will “provide plenty of insight.” I agree, psychologists and marriage counselors take notice, a new authority is here! Just play this album in your counseling sessions and all the problems will be solved (that'll be $700 American).

Ludacris’ career can best be described as remarkable. He has sold more than 12 million albums domestically thanks to the blockbuster success of such singles as "Stand Up," "Get Back," "Number One Spot" and "Money Maker," all of which had imaginative videos that accented Ludacris’ far-reaching imagination and his willingness to stretch the boundaries of what rap videos should look and feel like. With an unrivaled match of lyrical acumen, wit and imagery, Ludacris has solidified himself as one of music’s premier entertainers. Although he’s best known for his infectious tunes, Ludacris has shown that he’s equally adept at writing powerful songs with serious subject matter, including runaways on "Runaway Love."

Holy crap. Back to the article and we are just now getting to the part of the biography that is actually about Ludacris (10 paragraphs in). His career is “remarkable”, of course. He has sold “more than 12 million records”, thanks to a lot of huge hit singles, and all the “imaginative videos”, of course. Then there’s this:

“With an unrivaled match of lyrical acumen, wit, and imagery, Ludacris has solidified himself as one of music’s premier entertainers.”

Why not say that? A lot of Ludacris's rivals have lyrical acumen, but none can match him. Now, I’m pretty dumb (really dumb) and I couldn't help but notice all those college words and I hate them. You think you’re so smart Def Jam, M.D.? Well, you are I guess, I'm too dumb to know. Also, who did you write this for anyway?

So, now we get to hear how great Ludacris is at acting thanks to his “artistic complexity”. I guess he’s okay at acting, but I’ve never heard “Hollywood and critics alike buzzing about his increasingly impressive screen resume.” In fact, whaaaat? In the same paragraph we get to read about Luda’s big business ventures: Conjure Cognac and his record label, which are hugely successful companies! Don’t say they’re not. But our boy isn’t all about the business, he also gives away a lot of money to charity and unflinchingly boasts about it. What a hero. He raised $4 million here, $100 thousand there, and he gave away twenty cars. Great! And watch out Oprah!

And we end the biography with even more promotion, this time for “Ludaversal”, Luda’s next album. And don’t forget the “media mogul has grand plans to expand his brand on an increasingly global basis.” That’s exactly what everybody wants. Keep at it Ludacris. We love you.

Name Dropping: Lil’ Kim, Niki Minaj, Shawnna, Flo-Rida, Swizz Beats, Monica, Trey Songz, Ne-Yo

Bio Score: 0/10
Battle of the Sexes Scores:
Men: 10/10
Women: 0/10

"McCain don't belong in any chair unless he's paralyzed,
Yeah I said it cause Bush is mentally handicapped" - Ludacris

Full Text of biography:

Ludacris knows that rap is essentially a man’s world -- and the three-time Grammy winner is doing something about it. On his eighth album, the multi-platinum rapper wanted to level the playing field a bit, so he crafted Battle Of The Sexes, a spirited collection that gives men and women equal billing.

"Battle Of The Sexes is getting a male and a female perspective all on one album," Ludacris says. "If it’s a male artist, you get a male perspective for the most part. If it’s a female artist, you get a female perspective. That’s why I chose Battle Of The Sexes, because in relationships, there are battles that go on every single day. There are only two types of people in this world: males and females. That’s why this album had to come out, because you’re going to hear from both of them on many different issues."

Given his penchant for taking humorous approaches to potentially incendiary topics, Ludacris felt that he needed to address one of the most puzzling double standards between men and women. Enter the feisty "Hey Ho," featuring Lil’ Kim. "Why is it that when men sleep around they’re considered players but when women sleep around they’re considered hoes?" Ludacris says. "It’s just putting that question out there and it’s almost waiting for discussion and debate."

There’s no debate that men typically feel a sense of pride regarding their woman. On the muscular, screw-accented "My Chick Bad," Ludacris boasts about his lady’s physical attributes and her ability to bring the ruckus before passing the mic to Nicki Minaj, who energetically trumpets her own super hero-like badness.

It’s one thing to be bad, and another to be naughty. Ludacris and longtime collaborator Shawnna create an ultra erotic atmosphere on "Feeling Sexy." Played out like an intense episode of phone sex, the rappers tag-team lines to one another describing the sensuality racing through their minds. For Ludacris, it was the thought that counts.

"The anticipation of sex may be close to or better than actually having sex at certain times," he reveals. "You know why? As a man, what it takes to get us to a point is really what gives us the rush that we need to feed our egos. When you actually do it and are done with it, you’re actually wondering what’s next. You look for the rush that got you to the point to want to do it in the first place. The actual act can be good, but what’s in your mind and your ego telling you that you want to do it is much greater at certain times than the actual act itself. That’s a drug. That is what can drive you insane."

Indeed, the chase is often the most exhilarating portion of the conquest. The playful "Gotta Man" features Ludacris and guest Flo-Rida letting the woman they’re targeting know that they could care less if she’s in a relationship, engaged or married. They simply have to have her. Once the woman is his, Ludacris would surely invite her to his "Sex Room" and see "How Low" she could go. The former unites him with R&B crooner Trey Songz for a sex tutorial, while the latter takes a comical approach to watching a girl shaking what her momma gave her.

In fact, "How Low" showcases Ludacris’ dazzling rap skills, as he mixes and matches complex flows and rhyme patterns with remarkable ease over a hyperactive beat. "I have so many different sides of my personality and my artistry and they all came out in that one record," he says. "It was extremely simple for me, which lets me know that that’s me. It’s a fun record."

But Battle Of The Sexes also has a more serious side. The spare, guitar-accented, Swizz Beatz-produced "Tell Me A Secret" with Ne-Yo invites women to release their inhibitions and confide in Ludacris.

Of course, it’s a thin line between love and hate, and "Can’t Live Without You," a smooth duet with Monica, could serve as the soundtrack to that truism. "It’s the craziest thing," he says. "No scientist could ever completely make an understanding of how the human mind works when you want to get rid of a woman but you want to be with her at the same time. There’s no explanation that could ever describe it better than that song can describe it."

Ludacris’ career can best be described as remarkable. He has sold more than 12 million albums domestically thanks to the blockbuster success of such singles as "Stand Up," "Get Back," "Number One Spot" and "Money Maker," all of which had imaginative videos that accented Ludacris’ far-reaching imagination and his willingness to stretch the boundaries of what rap videos should look and feel like. With an unrivaled match of lyrical acumen, wit and imagery, Ludacris has solidified himself as one of music’s premier entertainers. Although he’s best known for his infectious tunes, Ludacris has shown that he’s equally adept at writing powerful songs with serious subject matter, including runaways on "Runaway Love."

This versatility and artistic complexity enabled Ludacris to make a seamless transition to acting. His acclaimed performances in film (Crash, Hustle & Flow) and television (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit) have Hollywood and critics alike buzzing about his increasingly impressive screen resume. The recently launched Conjure cognac joins Ludacris’ Disturbing Tha Peace Records as yet another successful venture of the business mogul. It’s not all strictly business for Ludacris, though. Indeed, his philanthropic efforts rival his entertainment accomplishments. He recently partnered with Crash writer-director Paul Haggis and the Artists for Peace and Justice to help raise more than $4 million for Haitian relief efforts. Ludacris has also raised more than $100,000 for Atlanta flood victims through his The Ludacris Foundation and recently partnered with a local Atlanta automobile dealer to give away 20 cars to people who have been adversely affected by the recession.

Of course, it all starts with music for Ludacris. With his next album, Ludaversal, already in the works, the media mogul has grand plans to expand his brand on an increasingly global basis. But for now, though, Battle Of The Sexes stands as a landmark release that should create lively debate given its groundbreaking nature. "This has not been done before," Ludacris says. "There’s only two types of people in this world and for thousands and thousands of years we have tried to understand one another and we still don’t 100 percent understand each other."

Though Battle Of The Sexes does provide plenty of insight.

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Traizey "Daily News Vol.1"

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Traizey "Daily News Vol.1"


Not An Actual Newspaper Cover


--Official Stats--
Artist: Traizey
Album: "Daily News Vol. 1"
Uploaded to Datpiff: December 12, 2009
Listens: 24

Right off, this mixtape is either called "Daily News" as the cover states, or "Daily Newz" as uploaded. I prefer Newz because it's stupid, but that's just me. However, I think the two spellings are interchangeable for a scholarly analysis such as this (fart sound).

Okay, so Traizey, right?  I know your impression of him is already bad, probably from that appallingly bad cover. I mean, how long did that take to put together? You know? I hope as much care went into the album itself. Also, GET OFF THE PHONE TRAIZEY, WE'VE GOT AN ALBUM TO PUSH THROUGH!

Traizey is probably twelve years old. He gets good grades in school maybe. He loves to play 360 I guess. And he loves to rap and he even put out a few mixtapes!  Now for the bad news: his production on "Daily News Vol. 1" is the worst I've ever heard anywhere on any mixtape at any time ever. "But Traizey doesn't have the right equipment to do it big like he wants to." - Traizey's mom.  Well, what equipment does he have? I would guess the bare minimum required to record a voice over music and then post it online...maybe a voice recorder that was designed for recording lectures at a college. Remember that track on "The War Report" called Capone Phone Home Outro where Capone raps over the phone from jail? This mixtape sounds worse. Way worse. Maybe this was recorded on some kind of cellphone. I don't know. Neither do you. We'll just be left to wonder how this level of lack of sound quality could even be accomplished.

Anyway, for every track just assume that it has the absolute worst production imaginable. The best comparison I can make is this: imagine you walk into your little brother's room and his alarm clock is going off but it's set to 'radio', and the station is somehow set to "Bounce and Snap Instrumentals". Also, since it's an alarm clock and meant to wake people up, it's set so loud that it's distorting the sounds coming out of the tiny little speaker, but it's still not that loud, it just sounds terrible and has no bass. So you hear this and decide to start rapping over the Bounce and Snap beats. Then you record it on an answering machine and upload it. That's this mixtape.

What about Traizey? Well, he didn't upload a bio or any information about himself, so we'll have to leave that as a mystery as well. All we have to go on are his cover and his raps, which we'll soon dive into. "Daily News Vol. 1" has 18 tracks (holy crap). I'm going to listen to them all (probably more than once) just to see what the new generation of emcees is all about. I've already checked out the freshman class, now it's time to move on to the middle school class!

Ok, Swizz Beatz*, let's go!
*Swizz Beatz is in no way associated with the Tortoise General Blog.

1. Intro
Immediately I'm wondering if this is a joke. Traizey takes the idea of a intro to the next level, in fact to the next galaxy. I guarantee that you would never do this if you were making a mixtape. At first you think he's going the traditional route and just giving the obligatory shots out (Outer Space Kids, ENT, BMW), it sounds weird but it's short. When it ends, it goes silent for a second, and starts up again. It repeats! Then it repeats again and again. The exact same clip is played five and a half times! It's amazing. It's genius.  Is it genius? Is this a production error? Is it intentional? Nobody will ever know. Traizey makin' it hot from the jump.


2. Do What It Do ft. Hunter
Everybody knows that it's kind of risky to start your album with a guest spot. You should save the guests for the middle of the album for when things start getting monotonous. But we all know Traizey (no we don't), he breaks all the rules. Rules like having music and vocals that can be clearly heard on a mixtape.


Once again I'm wondering if Traizey is a genius because even though there is no way in hell I could understand the words in the song playing in the background of this song, Traizey still tries to work his vocals into them.  In fact, I can barely even hear the music, much less make out any distinct sounds. 


I'll hold off on a full lyrical analysis for a track that I can tolerate a bit more, but I will go ahead and quote Traizey's call at the end of the song to get the crowd moving:

"Put your hands up if you are a single lady / let's go, let's go, let's go"

Now imagine that line said at a normal tone of voice with absolutely no enthusiasm. Traizey!  Also, who the hell is Hunter? Was he even on here?

3. Fly Shit
I love fly shit. I really do. Air horn! Now, I would say the biggest problem with this track, besides being unable to hear the beat, is Traizey's flow. It's really rough fella. I mean, keep practicing. But, wow, your flow is one the worst I have ever heard. So, yep, bad rhymes, beats, and flow...you know, typical fly shit.

4. Freestyle [Chewy]
I can't really see how this freestyle is different than the previous two tracks as they sound exactly the same. If this means that the other tracks were not freestyles, then you need to step up your rehearsal game. Seriously, practice BEFORE you record. Okay, well this is a sex freestyle, so, everyone loves that! Everyone loves hearing kids rhyme about that.


5. Im So Wealthy
Before I even listen to this track I would like to call into question Traizey's wealth. I'm sure he has some level of wealth compared to the rest of the world, but I don't think it would fit into what Americans would typically call "wealthy". 


Traizey mentions that he wrote this when he was twelve years old, so it's definitely an old one (probably written this year). I was going to quote the chorus but I honestly can't understand what he is saying.  I'll do my best though...

"I'm, I'm so wealthy / I'm, I'm so wealthy /

Money every week, money on time,

money all day, so you know we gon' shine"

Okay, that's something. Now check out the consistency between the first and second verses:


verse one:

"It's about my time, Traizey in the building /

stayin so high making me no feeling /

I am the man so you cannot play me /

I'm stacked up from my feet up to my head up..."

verse two:

"It's a-bout my time, I'm in the building /

stay so high make it be no feeling / I said it before but I said it again /
I'm back at one, number one on that chart man..."

Genius? I don't know. Traizey, I'm speechless.

Also, Traizey has a special knack for screwing up these crowd calls at the end of a track:

"All the ladies in the place to be, put your hands in the air as you can see /

All the ladies in the place, put your hands up...if you g-always...gone

...it ain't gon' be no second chance or try / I'm a be your number one guy.

So holla at me, go! ...I'M SO WEALTHY!"

6. Im Still Fly Remix
I can't describe anything on this track  without repeating myself....so, here are the first lines...

"I'm still F-L-Y to the fullest!  N-Y-C to the fullest! /

Murfreesboro, Tennesee that's where I'm just from! /

Party all night thats what I want to be-come"

Then we've got some bragging about skills which is okay, a lot of rappers do that. In the end I would call this just another terrible track that ends abruptly.


7. Kick It Up In My Stand
Well, I like that title. I don't know what it means, maybe our host can help, see if you can make anything out of this:

"Kick it up in my stance. While I'm pulling up my pants. 

...Kick it.  Kick it in my pants. Kick it in.

In the kicky-kicky kick. Kicky-kicky-kicky-kicky-kicky-kick /

Kick it up in my fands as I'm pullin up my pants.

 On my tippy-toes I'm tippin. Man, I tink my fitted down. 

Made sure my jez are fresh-and-right, fresh-and-right,

fresh-and-right, fresh-and-right, fresh-and-right, fresh"

Now go back and read that out loud. Seriously, do it. Oh boy, right? Then there's something about being in a Chevy (new 2009 status). Rappers throwing garbage. Whatever. Whatever forever.


8. Kush ft Lil Wayne
SOL (Sigh out loud).  Did anyone want to hear Traizey rap over a Lil Wayne song? Yes. I'm glad to hear that, because you can check that off your bucket list now. I don't understand how you can press play on your CYBER GEAR MP3 player in your kitchen and have the sound cut out while you're recording a song for your mixtape and then you keep that as the final cut. It doesn't seem possible. Plus, Traizey has done nothing but talk about how much money he has (even in this song), but then he says this: "Don't call me sonny / I'll get money someday."  What is going on? Are you wealthy or not Traizey? Let's just have the truth.


AND this:

"Yeah, I hit the sack.  I ain't talking about hibernation. 

Call me bear cuz I hibernate up in the win-ter.

Through stormy weather I am just a normal winner." 

Okay! Okay? So are you talking about hibernation or not? Either you hibernate or you don't.

AND THIS:

"I'm on deck like a pirate....captain......sparrow,

I am the man...on TV I'm the man.

Everybody know, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ON Demand!"

This is reminding me of Eli Porter from Iron Mic. I love that guy (I'm the best mane, I deeeed it!).


9. Lambo Love ft. Hunter
This one is dedicated to a girl! "AAAAAAYYYYYEEEE!" (that's what Traizey yells a few times to the muddled background music).  That's before like three minutes of "love 'em and leave 'em" raps". Traizey, you scad. This song is excruciating, if you're trying to win a girl over with this she'll have to either be very forgiving or very deaf.


10. Me Singing BlackBoy WhiteBoy
Take this title as literally as it sounds.  This is Traizey singing Blackboy Whiteboy, add the word "horribly" to the end of the title and this song would review itself. Oh, and at the very end of the track you can hear the next song start. Not the next song on this album but whatever the next song was on Traizey's CD player. Cool?


11. Money 2 Blow
This could quite possibly be one of the worst things that a human can be asked to endure. "Cash Money Records should sign me after this blow, might as well find me, Murfreesboro, Tennesee, that's where I just be". Listen, I'm right on the edge of giving up here. Not on this album but on today's youth. Traizey actually boasts about his "nice flow" at some point in this atrocity. My friend, flow is one thing that you absolutely do not have. Do you want proof? Here is the next line in the song after bragging about flow:

"All the way turned up. All the way. All the way. All the way turned up /

I'm all the way turned up, turn me down.

Everybody hear my speakers banging when I come down the street."

Not a nice flow. Case closed, forever.

12. One More Chance ft. Hunter
I can't take this. Hunter again? I don't think Hunter has been anywhere on here despite the promises.


Unsurprisingly, I can barely hear the beat (a.k.a. the music Traizey is playing on his alarm clock), but even so, I can still his source music is awful. Who listens to crap music like that? Clearly Traizey does, but who else? 


So this is more of the same.  Exactly the same. In fact a lot of these lines we've heard before, like the your "number one guy" line.


This song is basically an apology song to one girl (Tiffany Laughlin, to be specific), so why are you dedicating this song to all the single ladies.  Isn't that what (probably) got you in trouble to begin with? Paying attention to all the ladies instead of Tiffany? Hey, Ho! Laser Sounds.

13. Prettiest ft. Drake
Well this is frustrating.  I'm not a Drake fan, but I can kind of make out some of his raps in the music that plays in the background during the beginning of this track and it's making want to hear a rapper who can rhyme coherently. One thing Traizey has firmly established: he wants sex. A lot of sex. More than most people I'm guessing from his content.  Plus he loves to repeat lyrics.


I guess I can't make it through a track without a quote, so here we go:

"I am the man, I got the phone plan / Put me up on my cell-ure device /

 Everybody know your boy just nice / Got a nice flow, this is how we go... "

Nope, still not a nice flow...and here is an example of Traizey getting everything he says wrong:

"Yeah, I'm back with another one, another hit.

You gotta admit, man, this is your favorite girl's song isn't it? 

Request this on the radio."

14. Ready To Fly
This is just noise. I'm not some cranky old man or anything like that, this really is just noise. If you're not suffering from a headache and you want to change that, listen to this song. It's one step away from listening to the radio and driving through a tunnel (where you lose the signal and it gets all loud and distorted). PLUS, MORE OF THE SAME LINES FROM BEFORE. Hey Traizey, you gotta use new lines in every song. Every time new line.


15. Star Struck Shawty
Traizey can barely be bothered to rap this time. He's just saying words. Fragments of thought. It's not as noisy as some of the other tracks, but it's equally unbearable. This is one of the worst things I've ever heard. It's incompetence on the highest level.


16.Threw With It
Okay Traizey, just when I think I've had enough of your nonsense you use the word "threw" like that, now we're friends again. No we're not. I don't know if I mentioned that Teaizey sings a lot.  Not like dramatic singing, just slight vocal changes. It's grating. This song has a lot of singing, and just trust me, it's not worth it, don't listen to this, you'll regret it.


At least we have the return of the appalling crowd calls:

"If you tired of your friends, throw your ones up.

 If you a single woman, throw ya hands up.

 If you single lady, throw your ones up.

 If you single lady, go on throw your ones up.

 If you single lady throw ya hands up. 

 Throw ya hands up.Throw ya, throw ya Hands up.  Crazy!"

I'm threw with it. I threw up.


17.Waffle House Flo
Flo or Flow? "Waffle House flow, this is how it go" Okay, that's decent. A rap about ordering at Waffle House! That's not a bad idea either. Then there are raps about how great Traizey is? Not so good.


Traizey makes sure to tell us that this track is just for fun, but it's of the same quality as the rest of the album. The funny thing is, I think "Waffle House Flow" is his best idea. I really do like it, unless he stole it, then it's just sad. Well, it's sad either way. I'm sad.


18.Outro
A typical outro.  There is music playing in the background, but we have a disheartening silence from Traizey. Spooky. Traizey has left the room.








You know, this mixtape is a disaster in every way. NOTHING IS GOOD ABOUT IT AT ALL. It's worse than you can imagine, and when you read that you probably imagined worse. Well, it's worse than that. Every hip hop element is terrible: lyrics, flow, speaking clearly, beats, choruses, originality, not repeating yourself, and everything else. Plus, every standard musical element is terrible, and I'm just talking about simple qualities that make music bearable to listen to: music you can hear clearly, some level of sound balance, vocal production, ability to understand what is being said. It's the worst mixtape that I have ever heard in my life. There is no way a person would ever intentionally listen to anything on here unless your name is Traizey, or you are some sort of idiot blogger like me.


I know Traizey is just a kid. But he had to notice a difference between the quality of what he was uploading to the Internet, and what others upload. He had to know that this was severely lacking on every level.  I mean, there is no way that anyone could listen to even a few seconds of this and know that it wasn't somehow different than everything they've ever heard. I mean, you can't miss it. There is something odd going on here: this should have never been uploaded anywhere, but here it is. It takes a lot of confidence to put an album online of work you did at your house. But what does it take to put an album online that is this bad? Is there something wrong with Traizey? Is he just that stupid, or just that confident? Did he not have one friend or family member tell him how bad this is? I'll say it then, directly to him: Traizey, this mixtape is so bad that it cannot be classified as rap or music. Whether or not you were having fun while making it, it should not have been uploaded or played for anyone ever. Delete it from the Internet and from wherever else it is.


One last thing, Traizey, just maybe the confidence that allowed you to rap like this and then upload it for all the world to hear will pay off someday. But I think you need to put in some serious work, PRACTICE, get a little more experience under your belt, and change your name.


Go Traizey (eventually)!


Never ever listen to this mixtape.


SCORE: 0/10
  

Someday this might be the real newspaper headline.



"I just want to be the best I can just be" - Traizey, I'm So Wealthy

"Stop rapping." - Dag Diligent, The Tortoise General

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