U-God's Resume #63, "Intro"

--Official Stats--
Artists: The Hillside Scramblers
Song: "Intro"
Producer: Que Tracks
Album: UGODZ-ILLA Presents The Hillside Scramblers
Release Date: March 16, 2004

Okay. Everybody pay attention. Eyes on me. Can anyone tell me who the Hillside Scramblers are?

Breakfast line cooks?
Football something?

No.

Rappers?

Yes! And that's all I know about them, except for they are associated with U-God. Let's see who is in the Scramblers (this is just a guess based on the track list):

Leatha Face - of course, he's U-God's bestie
King Just - The biggest name besides Letha Face (also a good spitter)
Black Ice - ???
INF-Black - ???
Kawz - ???
Autumn Rue - ???
Desert Eagle - ???
Ja Mal - ???

That's a lot of people! I hope they're all good and still rapping today. What was my point again? Oh yeah, I don't know who most of these people are. Let's spend like ten weeks and get to know them. Cool?

Now, this leads us to our first problem. I can't find their music. Oh NO! The intro, (which features an appearance of U-God talking) does not exist as a YouTube video. I can't post it. I did find a video of the entire album, and you can hear the intro on there, but I have a feeling that these videos are going to get more and more difficult to find now that we're moving out of Wu's glory days.  So sit back and enjoy UGODZ-ILLA Presents The Hillside Scramblers's "Intro". I'm sure you'll love it.

Just listen to the first 40 seconds or so...

"Intro"

SO DUM. HERE IS THE TRANSCRIPT.

(Background): Crowd Cheering…

Announcer (background): New York City, let’s make some nooooise!

U-God (in awe): Daaaammn.

Various (talking over each other): Apprehensive and excited, noticing the “ladies”.

Scrambler #1: “Over here, son. Look at all them b****es!”

U-God: “Ni**as ain’t feelin’ Wu no more like that, god.”

Various (talking over each other): Same as before, pointing out a specific “lady” who is waving, commenting on her “figure”.

Scrambler #1: “Lookin’ crazy great. Look at that b**** right there waving at you, son…look…look...I heard her say U-God, kid.”

U-God: “I’m rusty, I’m rusty right now, god.”

Scrambler #2: “Come on son, that ain’t nothing new, you did this before, man.”

Scrambler #1: “Come on, man.”

U-God: “They ain’t…They ain’t feelin’ Wu like that, man.”

Scrambler #2: “Get out there man! Go get your ass out there.”

Scrambler #1: “…Hillside Scramblers. Let’s go out there and do this, man.”

Scrambler #2: “…one for the team.”

Scrambler #1: “Come on! Let’s go! Grab that mic, son. Grab that mic, son.”

U-God: “Yeah. Pop that bottle. Pop that bottle for me.”

Scrambler #2: “YEAH!”

Sound of a cork popping.

Crowd cheers.

END.

What was the point of that??? U-God is "rusty".?! Is he nervous? Why does he keep pointing out that the Wu's time has passed? Who does he work for? Why would anyone start an album like this? Did the RZA approve this?

There is nothing I want to hear more than a rapper who thinks that he's "rusty" and who is feeling down about his team...Let's look at Amazon and see if the reviews from the people can cheer me up...

Oh boy. This is from someone who liked U's first solo. Next...

AVOID? Worst member of the WU? Maybe I should skip this whole deal.

Again with that  "worst of the WU" shit? Holy shit, this might be bad... 

This is more of an attack on U-God...it's not really a fair evaluation of the Hillside Scramblers album. We'll just act like we didn't see this one...NEXT!

Good grief people. Maybe I should filter the comments "BEST to WORST" and see if a positive review cheers me up...

That was positive? Although it doesn't really get me excited to hear this shit...best release since "Legend of the Liquid Sword"? That shit sucked. EEEEhhhhh..............................

IN CONCLUSION: This is going to be a long few weeks.

Track Score: 0/10

U-God’s Score: 0/10

Impact on Rep (+,-,=): None


Next Week: We get to the first Hillside Scrablers song "Pain Inside". Frowny face.

About this series: “U-God’s Resume" is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

U-God's Resume: Album Review "Golden Arms Redemption"

HOLY CROW! We just spent like three months reviewing U-God's first solo album "Golden Arms Redemption". That's a LOT OF TIME. Too much time. Way too much time. In the end, this exercise only hurt our opinion of U-God. Let's be honest, Golden Arms Redemption SUCKS. But I don't know if it's fair for me to just say that - we're just one small, stupid, insignificant blog that wastes a lot of time being really dumb. Maybe we should check ourselves.

"Good idea" - Ice Cube.

Let's start by taking a look at the score we gave each song of this album, track by track, to see what our average score is:

1. "Enter U-God" 0/10
2. "Turbulence" 0/10
3. "Glide" 0/10
4. "Dat's Gangsta" 0/10
5. "Soul Dazzle" 4/10
6. "Bizarre" 3/10
7. "Rumble" 6/10
8. "Pleasure or Pain" 7/10
9. "Stay in Your Lane" 3/10
10. "Shell Shock" 3/10
11. "Lay Down"1/10
12. "Hungry" 0/10
13. "Turbo Charge" 0/10
14. "Knockin' At Your Door" 0/10
15. "Night the City Cried" 5/10

Golden Arms Redemption Score 2/10

(an average of all track scores)

That's not a surprise. In fact I think that's exactly accurate. The production on this shit ranged from bad to worse for the entire album, even tracks that the RZA produced stunk it up. No beat was particularly banging, and while the rawness was there, it wasn't good raw...it was boring raw or at best mediocre raw. Plus, I think U's style overwhelms anything he spends a lot of time spitting on, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but when there are no change ups, and U is just stringing together random thoughts, it gets a little hard to listen to.

I remember seeing a RZA quote that said something like after Wu Tang Forever, solo projects would be more like solo projects, and not feature everyone from the Clan. He thought that each solo album gave away the whole team, so he reduced the Wu guest lists on all followoing albums, including this one. That was probably the dumbest move in Wu history. Why? Before Forever, each solo album was like a Wu Tang project. That was a good thing. With the exception of Tical no album got weighed down by any one MC, that's part of what made them so good. Then we have this change of philosophy, and the number of classic solo albums dropped from "common" to "rare". Golden Arms and Deck's solos were the first casualities of the "go it alone" attitude. Pretty much everyone else in the Clan after this suffered thanks to this boneheaded idea (except for Ghostface and RZA).


Let's also not forget the large scale incorporation of the Wu Tang production team, which is good at what they do, no doubt, but in the end they're just making beats to sound like the RZA. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. A producer should have their own distinct sound. I can identify a RZA beat almost instantly. I can also pick out Wu-Tang production staff beats instantly, but I usually have no idea who does what. It's Jell-o of from the same packet. Let me be clear, the Wu production team has made some of the best beats in hip hop, but I would have much preferred that RZA hire a team with distinct sounds and innovative ideas rather than clones*. That didn't happen.
*don't kill me

Anyway, this album was really hurt by U doing all of the heavy lifting by himself, and the producers doing very little lifting. This was the first bad Wu Tang album, along with Uncontrolled Substance, and Immobilarity which all came out at the same time. Oh, wait, Tical 2000: Judgement Day was the first bad Wu Tang album, this one was second.

So that's that.

But how did other people review this album? What does our competition say?

The People Have Spoken with their $$$

THE PUBLIC
Well, first of all, this album sold gold, so half a million people bought this album (including me). That's a lot. That says something about the respect for the name. The album hit #58 on the billboard top 200, and #15 on the hip hop and R&B charts, if you care about that, and you do.

I would say that the public liked it!

THE RECORD COMPANY
According to the RZA's book, U-God got a million dollars to sign with Razor Sharp records. That's a ton of money, they must have been expecting big things, and thought pretty highly of our boy. (For the record, the entire clan only got $200k when they were first signed to Loud). So the record company liked this (or at least the marketability of it). P.S. I didn't read RZA's book because that is so booooring, I just saw that fact on the internet which is so interesting. 


Fat Cat record company people liked it!

ALLMUSIC

allmusic, which is some kind of online music review warehouse, gave it a 3/5 (or a 6/10), way higher than us and way out of line. What album were they listening to? Where is this warehouse?



Boy I'm having trouble finding other reviews...



AMAZON
Uh, Let's look at the public reviews on Amazon:

49 People gave the album an average of 3.5 / 5 (or a 7/10). WTTFFFF? Let's get into the details from the reviewers comments:

"This CD has to be one of the best to come out of the clan lately"

"This CD is tight. The beats are tight, and U-God's rhymes are sharp. This sounds like a classic wu album...You better recognized."

"...this album is Wu classic. Raw hip-hop, classic. So far it's one of the best Wu-Tang solo, don't sleep on this LP please, it's magnetic."

Magnetic! WHAT? Well, I guess the fans disagree with us too. Except this guy:

"Yall going to Hell for lying....The Whole CD is Whack"

Thank you, guy.

HIP HOP ISN'T DEAD BLOG

Okay! Let's move on to everyone's favorite hip hop blog: Hip Hop Isn't Dead for Max's review:

"BUY OR BURN? Neither. Don't even bother; nothing on here is that good anyway. "

Ah, that one makes sense. At least another blogger agrees with us.

NME
Okay,we'll finish strong with NME, whatever the hell that is.

I guess NME is some UK shit. What do they know? Nada. Proof: they gave it a 7/10 too! WHY?

"...his debut solo album, coming out as raw as anything from The RZA's stable since 'Protect Ya Neck'."


Good GRIEF. Go back to worshiping your royal family and being generally snooty...and stop reviewing hip hop ya plonkerz.




IN CONCLUSION: I QUIT! We apparently don't know what we're doing. We give this album a 2 out of 10, everyone else (mostly) calls it their generation's "Protect Ya Neck". We're out of touch. We're too old for this. We don't know what we're doing.


OVERALL TORT TEAM SCORING ABILITY SCORE 0/10

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Joshua Egbuson "Hang Loose"

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Joshua Egbuson "Hang Loose"

"I'm thinking of a name."

--Official Stats--

Artist: Joshua Egbuson

Album: “Hang Loose” (Mixtape)

Release Date: January 10, 2011

Number of listens: 9

I’m in a good mood today. I just got through listening to a terrible mixtape by a couple of kids who really did a bad job at everything. It was really bad, but you know what? These guys had some clever punchlines and clearly had fun making their tape. They knew their album wasn’t the best and I could hear their good attitude in their raps, it turned out to be a good listening experience even though it was bad rap. It put me in a good mood, which is why I come here today feeling merciful toward my next official review: “Hang Loose” by Joshua Egbuson (great title). But hold on, “Hang Loose” might also be “a musical group by Joshua Egbuson and Jason Sebera”. Oh boy. Let the chaos begin, right?

So, Joshua Egbuson (also known as Josh.e) is a Rwanda based Nigerian Rapper, he just appeared in the online hip hop community in December of 2010 and a few weeks later released this album (his debut). Then he started talking about going to South Africa and disappeared. I hope he’s okay. Also, isn’t that just the way nowadays with rappers and Dave Chappelle?

Well, not much else to say so let’s dig in…

1. (Intro) Hang Loose

Instantly I see that Josh.e is better at production than most of his peers. The vocal production is very close to being right. How did that happen? I’m already impressed. Good Mood! Okay! Well, even with decent production Josh’s vocals are a little too sleepy and laid back for my taste, but they actually sound okay for this slow beat. What is going on here? Things are actually okay? I can review this like a regular album? Great, here we go…

So, right off: breath control is an issue with Josh.e to the point that it’s distracting. Also, Josh could use a little more vocal force in his rhymes. He sounds like he reading them while reclined in his easy chair (do they have those in Rawanda or Nigeria or whatever?). Also, the production breaks down significantly around the chorus. "Ya gotta keep ya tempo up and ya mic distance steady, son" - me. Also, the chorus isn’t bad.

I’ll just be straight; the lyrics are weak (and juvenile). Okay? Well, just look at this:

“It’s easy to find me, cuz, as for the guy with the nicest bars,

probably chillin’ on Mars,

you two days from ninth and tenth grade

Sittin on a shade, roll play…waitin’ for that day

For some superstar to pick me up

Lookin better than ever, call me Donald Duck”

Huh? Does Donald Duck look good? NEXT…

2. In The Moment

“Uuuuuuhhhhhhhh”-Master P (and the pain sound I made when I heard this track start). So this is a typical Rawandan poppy-teen rap song (I guess). Josh.e sounds all of twelve, and the beat sounds all of bad. WAIT!!! HOLY CRAP! HE ACTUALLY IS 12! HE SAYS IT IN THIS SONG! I GUESSED IT! I’M OFF TO BUY A LOTTERY TICKET, JACKHOLES!

So…what else? Oh yeah, the lyrics are awful. Maybe they’re good for a twelve year old or maybe not. Who knows (twelve year olds I guess)? I do know they are bad for me:

Sittin’ on my skyscraper writing math class papers

Eh.

Caught you there, sorry. This ain’t no Toy Story

Seven-four-seven flight on my way to Flori…

Duh! You [roger dat*]?

Me comprendo. I live like a ‘G’ - Not a gringo

Moving on…Duh!

*Probably not actual lyrics

3.Fast Lane

Whoa there! This track really picks up the pace, yet somehow Josh still sounds lazy on the mic. He mentions that he is five-foot-three, and he says that it means something (but what exactly it means is incomprehensible). Okay. And here is the chorus:

Live the fast lane, every eye on me

Live the fast lane, more bread than a patisserie

Livin’ fast (in the lane)

Livin’ fast (in the lane)

Livin’ life (in the lane!)

Livin’ fast (fast lane)

4.Coolin'

Back to that smooth sound that Josh.e is known for, and you know, Josh’s twelve-year-old voice sounds kind of like Kidz Bop, so that’s not a good thing.

Well, this is a bit of a mystery. Josh’s horrible chorus is way overproduced while the production on his verses is very sloppy. What? Plus, it’s kind of hard to understand what he talking about as his words are unintelligible. He definitely mentions girls a lot (your girl in particular), flights to Peru, haters, getting paper, and “real ‘ish’” – you know, normal Coolin’ stuff.

5.Class Memories

“Yeah! Big dreams. That’s all I got to say. Class memories.” – Josh.e

Remember your school days? Sure you do. Lot’s of fun right? Fun and memories. Well, let’s let Josh lead us down memory lane (unless you’re currently in high school, then it’s more of currently lane?). This beat is unbearable, as is Josh’s singing. Even if you had the lyrics to this song printed out, there would still be no way that you could understand what you’re hearing.

Oh, and what memories does Josh.e call to mind: waking up early, breakfast, picture painting, Cinderella, midterm grades, doing poorly in a class, having a talk with your teacher, getting hit by your dad and getting a “blue nose”, Kill Bill, and especially big dreams. For real!

The song ends with some advice to “be on your way to stardom”: “Always follow your dreams and dream big. Hang loose…keep it fresh too, and keep it ‘G’.” Okay! I’m going to start that right now. New Year’s resolution.

6.Laid Back

Allright! A ‘Maybach Music’ beat (and it’s not bad and it’s kind of upbeat, so good "using someone else's beat" skills). But, this has a terrible chorus (laid back is rhymed with eight track). I mean awful, like lots of off-beat singing and repeating.  The lyrics aren’t much better either:

I’m superfly, as I said I’m super high

I’m flying in the sky like some kind of bird

Coming from the words…words of my mouth that I spit like errdoo*!

*Sounds like errdoo

7.Outro

A little Kanye West for the outro. That’s just a nice touch. Also, I could hear that on Kanye’s album, so not that nice of a touch. No touching!

8.Christmas Carol

Jingle Bells! We get a Christmas bonus track! I love Christmas! All the gifts and the cheer and whatever. Now, we’ve got a high tech beat from...eh, who cares (that applies to all these beats), and some lyrics…

Uh! Christmas here, I’m fin’da shoutin’ cheer

Get up on the dance floor there is no beer

Turned up, I’m fully geeked out

Can’t wait for New Year’s Eve

Happy people stand up (stand up!)

You know what it is. Get da boot.

We ‘bout to go ape like we bumpin’ in the zoo

Camo shorts on tryin to keep it coo’

Got a nice Christmas, think about it in the coupe

Pass the cups all around me like a three-six

[knock wood*] so fly like a G6

People say I’m mature for my age but

I’m just a [sewer town*] learnin’ different ways hey

No [sauce or a barrel*]

Josh.e givin’ you the Christmas Carol

*Probably not actual lyrics

So this Christmas Carol is about looking forward to New Years and other non-Christmas related things. Merry Christmas!

Well, this was a big waste of time. Seriously, we’re reviewing very bad mixtapes by twelve year olds. Worse, with all the other garbage we listen to here, this actually sounds kind of good. Is this the bottom? Can it get any worse? Seriously, this kid is decent at using his Macbook Pro to make his raps sound not awful over other people’s beats (he is a “Macbook Pro Flippa” after all, as he says). But he is a kid and his raps sound like a kid rapping. I can’t believe I’m writing this. Is that what you want to hear? A kid rapping? No. Of course not, nobody wants to hear that ever. You know what else? We judge the success of our blog based on how many “hits” we get, this post will bring in nothing. Honestly, nobody will read this. Zero hits. Well maybe Josh.e will spot his name in a search and come and read through this mess, but he’ll just get angry at our largely negative review. So what’s the point? What’s the point of anything? My good mood is officially gone.

Keep rapping Josh.e, at least you know someone is listening carefully.

Score 0/10

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Yo! That's a Mixtape: Traizey "Daily News Vol.1"

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Traizey "Daily News Vol.1"


Not An Actual Newspaper Cover


--Official Stats--
Artist: Traizey
Album: "Daily News Vol. 1"
Uploaded to Datpiff: December 12, 2009
Listens: 24

Right off, this mixtape is either called "Daily News" as the cover states, or "Daily Newz" as uploaded. I prefer Newz because it's stupid, but that's just me. However, I think the two spellings are interchangeable for a scholarly analysis such as this (fart sound).

Okay, so Traizey, right?  I know your impression of him is already bad, probably from that appallingly bad cover. I mean, how long did that take to put together? You know? I hope as much care went into the album itself. Also, GET OFF THE PHONE TRAIZEY, WE'VE GOT AN ALBUM TO PUSH THROUGH!

Traizey is probably twelve years old. He gets good grades in school maybe. He loves to play 360 I guess. And he loves to rap and he even put out a few mixtapes!  Now for the bad news: his production on "Daily News Vol. 1" is the worst I've ever heard anywhere on any mixtape at any time ever. "But Traizey doesn't have the right equipment to do it big like he wants to." - Traizey's mom.  Well, what equipment does he have? I would guess the bare minimum required to record a voice over music and then post it online...maybe a voice recorder that was designed for recording lectures at a college. Remember that track on "The War Report" called Capone Phone Home Outro where Capone raps over the phone from jail? This mixtape sounds worse. Way worse. Maybe this was recorded on some kind of cellphone. I don't know. Neither do you. We'll just be left to wonder how this level of lack of sound quality could even be accomplished.

Anyway, for every track just assume that it has the absolute worst production imaginable. The best comparison I can make is this: imagine you walk into your little brother's room and his alarm clock is going off but it's set to 'radio', and the station is somehow set to "Bounce and Snap Instrumentals". Also, since it's an alarm clock and meant to wake people up, it's set so loud that it's distorting the sounds coming out of the tiny little speaker, but it's still not that loud, it just sounds terrible and has no bass. So you hear this and decide to start rapping over the Bounce and Snap beats. Then you record it on an answering machine and upload it. That's this mixtape.

What about Traizey? Well, he didn't upload a bio or any information about himself, so we'll have to leave that as a mystery as well. All we have to go on are his cover and his raps, which we'll soon dive into. "Daily News Vol. 1" has 18 tracks (holy crap). I'm going to listen to them all (probably more than once) just to see what the new generation of emcees is all about. I've already checked out the freshman class, now it's time to move on to the middle school class!

Ok, Swizz Beatz*, let's go!
*Swizz Beatz is in no way associated with the Tortoise General Blog.

1. Intro
Immediately I'm wondering if this is a joke. Traizey takes the idea of a intro to the next level, in fact to the next galaxy. I guarantee that you would never do this if you were making a mixtape. At first you think he's going the traditional route and just giving the obligatory shots out (Outer Space Kids, ENT, BMW), it sounds weird but it's short. When it ends, it goes silent for a second, and starts up again. It repeats! Then it repeats again and again. The exact same clip is played five and a half times! It's amazing. It's genius.  Is it genius? Is this a production error? Is it intentional? Nobody will ever know. Traizey makin' it hot from the jump.


2. Do What It Do ft. Hunter
Everybody knows that it's kind of risky to start your album with a guest spot. You should save the guests for the middle of the album for when things start getting monotonous. But we all know Traizey (no we don't), he breaks all the rules. Rules like having music and vocals that can be clearly heard on a mixtape.


Once again I'm wondering if Traizey is a genius because even though there is no way in hell I could understand the words in the song playing in the background of this song, Traizey still tries to work his vocals into them.  In fact, I can barely even hear the music, much less make out any distinct sounds. 


I'll hold off on a full lyrical analysis for a track that I can tolerate a bit more, but I will go ahead and quote Traizey's call at the end of the song to get the crowd moving:

"Put your hands up if you are a single lady / let's go, let's go, let's go"

Now imagine that line said at a normal tone of voice with absolutely no enthusiasm. Traizey!  Also, who the hell is Hunter? Was he even on here?

3. Fly Shit
I love fly shit. I really do. Air horn! Now, I would say the biggest problem with this track, besides being unable to hear the beat, is Traizey's flow. It's really rough fella. I mean, keep practicing. But, wow, your flow is one the worst I have ever heard. So, yep, bad rhymes, beats, and flow...you know, typical fly shit.

4. Freestyle [Chewy]
I can't really see how this freestyle is different than the previous two tracks as they sound exactly the same. If this means that the other tracks were not freestyles, then you need to step up your rehearsal game. Seriously, practice BEFORE you record. Okay, well this is a sex freestyle, so, everyone loves that! Everyone loves hearing kids rhyme about that.


5. Im So Wealthy
Before I even listen to this track I would like to call into question Traizey's wealth. I'm sure he has some level of wealth compared to the rest of the world, but I don't think it would fit into what Americans would typically call "wealthy". 


Traizey mentions that he wrote this when he was twelve years old, so it's definitely an old one (probably written this year). I was going to quote the chorus but I honestly can't understand what he is saying.  I'll do my best though...

"I'm, I'm so wealthy / I'm, I'm so wealthy /

Money every week, money on time,

money all day, so you know we gon' shine"

Okay, that's something. Now check out the consistency between the first and second verses:


verse one:

"It's about my time, Traizey in the building /

stayin so high making me no feeling /

I am the man so you cannot play me /

I'm stacked up from my feet up to my head up..."

verse two:

"It's a-bout my time, I'm in the building /

stay so high make it be no feeling / I said it before but I said it again /
I'm back at one, number one on that chart man..."

Genius? I don't know. Traizey, I'm speechless.

Also, Traizey has a special knack for screwing up these crowd calls at the end of a track:

"All the ladies in the place to be, put your hands in the air as you can see /

All the ladies in the place, put your hands up...if you g-always...gone

...it ain't gon' be no second chance or try / I'm a be your number one guy.

So holla at me, go! ...I'M SO WEALTHY!"

6. Im Still Fly Remix
I can't describe anything on this track  without repeating myself....so, here are the first lines...

"I'm still F-L-Y to the fullest!  N-Y-C to the fullest! /

Murfreesboro, Tennesee that's where I'm just from! /

Party all night thats what I want to be-come"

Then we've got some bragging about skills which is okay, a lot of rappers do that. In the end I would call this just another terrible track that ends abruptly.


7. Kick It Up In My Stand
Well, I like that title. I don't know what it means, maybe our host can help, see if you can make anything out of this:

"Kick it up in my stance. While I'm pulling up my pants. 

...Kick it.  Kick it in my pants. Kick it in.

In the kicky-kicky kick. Kicky-kicky-kicky-kicky-kicky-kick /

Kick it up in my fands as I'm pullin up my pants.

 On my tippy-toes I'm tippin. Man, I tink my fitted down. 

Made sure my jez are fresh-and-right, fresh-and-right,

fresh-and-right, fresh-and-right, fresh-and-right, fresh"

Now go back and read that out loud. Seriously, do it. Oh boy, right? Then there's something about being in a Chevy (new 2009 status). Rappers throwing garbage. Whatever. Whatever forever.


8. Kush ft Lil Wayne
SOL (Sigh out loud).  Did anyone want to hear Traizey rap over a Lil Wayne song? Yes. I'm glad to hear that, because you can check that off your bucket list now. I don't understand how you can press play on your CYBER GEAR MP3 player in your kitchen and have the sound cut out while you're recording a song for your mixtape and then you keep that as the final cut. It doesn't seem possible. Plus, Traizey has done nothing but talk about how much money he has (even in this song), but then he says this: "Don't call me sonny / I'll get money someday."  What is going on? Are you wealthy or not Traizey? Let's just have the truth.


AND this:

"Yeah, I hit the sack.  I ain't talking about hibernation. 

Call me bear cuz I hibernate up in the win-ter.

Through stormy weather I am just a normal winner." 

Okay! Okay? So are you talking about hibernation or not? Either you hibernate or you don't.

AND THIS:

"I'm on deck like a pirate....captain......sparrow,

I am the man...on TV I'm the man.

Everybody know, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ON Demand!"

This is reminding me of Eli Porter from Iron Mic. I love that guy (I'm the best mane, I deeeed it!).


9. Lambo Love ft. Hunter
This one is dedicated to a girl! "AAAAAAYYYYYEEEE!" (that's what Traizey yells a few times to the muddled background music).  That's before like three minutes of "love 'em and leave 'em" raps". Traizey, you scad. This song is excruciating, if you're trying to win a girl over with this she'll have to either be very forgiving or very deaf.


10. Me Singing BlackBoy WhiteBoy
Take this title as literally as it sounds.  This is Traizey singing Blackboy Whiteboy, add the word "horribly" to the end of the title and this song would review itself. Oh, and at the very end of the track you can hear the next song start. Not the next song on this album but whatever the next song was on Traizey's CD player. Cool?


11. Money 2 Blow
This could quite possibly be one of the worst things that a human can be asked to endure. "Cash Money Records should sign me after this blow, might as well find me, Murfreesboro, Tennesee, that's where I just be". Listen, I'm right on the edge of giving up here. Not on this album but on today's youth. Traizey actually boasts about his "nice flow" at some point in this atrocity. My friend, flow is one thing that you absolutely do not have. Do you want proof? Here is the next line in the song after bragging about flow:

"All the way turned up. All the way. All the way. All the way turned up /

I'm all the way turned up, turn me down.

Everybody hear my speakers banging when I come down the street."

Not a nice flow. Case closed, forever.

12. One More Chance ft. Hunter
I can't take this. Hunter again? I don't think Hunter has been anywhere on here despite the promises.


Unsurprisingly, I can barely hear the beat (a.k.a. the music Traizey is playing on his alarm clock), but even so, I can still his source music is awful. Who listens to crap music like that? Clearly Traizey does, but who else? 


So this is more of the same.  Exactly the same. In fact a lot of these lines we've heard before, like the your "number one guy" line.


This song is basically an apology song to one girl (Tiffany Laughlin, to be specific), so why are you dedicating this song to all the single ladies.  Isn't that what (probably) got you in trouble to begin with? Paying attention to all the ladies instead of Tiffany? Hey, Ho! Laser Sounds.

13. Prettiest ft. Drake
Well this is frustrating.  I'm not a Drake fan, but I can kind of make out some of his raps in the music that plays in the background during the beginning of this track and it's making want to hear a rapper who can rhyme coherently. One thing Traizey has firmly established: he wants sex. A lot of sex. More than most people I'm guessing from his content.  Plus he loves to repeat lyrics.


I guess I can't make it through a track without a quote, so here we go:

"I am the man, I got the phone plan / Put me up on my cell-ure device /

 Everybody know your boy just nice / Got a nice flow, this is how we go... "

Nope, still not a nice flow...and here is an example of Traizey getting everything he says wrong:

"Yeah, I'm back with another one, another hit.

You gotta admit, man, this is your favorite girl's song isn't it? 

Request this on the radio."

14. Ready To Fly
This is just noise. I'm not some cranky old man or anything like that, this really is just noise. If you're not suffering from a headache and you want to change that, listen to this song. It's one step away from listening to the radio and driving through a tunnel (where you lose the signal and it gets all loud and distorted). PLUS, MORE OF THE SAME LINES FROM BEFORE. Hey Traizey, you gotta use new lines in every song. Every time new line.


15. Star Struck Shawty
Traizey can barely be bothered to rap this time. He's just saying words. Fragments of thought. It's not as noisy as some of the other tracks, but it's equally unbearable. This is one of the worst things I've ever heard. It's incompetence on the highest level.


16.Threw With It
Okay Traizey, just when I think I've had enough of your nonsense you use the word "threw" like that, now we're friends again. No we're not. I don't know if I mentioned that Teaizey sings a lot.  Not like dramatic singing, just slight vocal changes. It's grating. This song has a lot of singing, and just trust me, it's not worth it, don't listen to this, you'll regret it.


At least we have the return of the appalling crowd calls:

"If you tired of your friends, throw your ones up.

 If you a single woman, throw ya hands up.

 If you single lady, throw your ones up.

 If you single lady, go on throw your ones up.

 If you single lady throw ya hands up. 

 Throw ya hands up.Throw ya, throw ya Hands up.  Crazy!"

I'm threw with it. I threw up.


17.Waffle House Flo
Flo or Flow? "Waffle House flow, this is how it go" Okay, that's decent. A rap about ordering at Waffle House! That's not a bad idea either. Then there are raps about how great Traizey is? Not so good.


Traizey makes sure to tell us that this track is just for fun, but it's of the same quality as the rest of the album. The funny thing is, I think "Waffle House Flow" is his best idea. I really do like it, unless he stole it, then it's just sad. Well, it's sad either way. I'm sad.


18.Outro
A typical outro.  There is music playing in the background, but we have a disheartening silence from Traizey. Spooky. Traizey has left the room.








You know, this mixtape is a disaster in every way. NOTHING IS GOOD ABOUT IT AT ALL. It's worse than you can imagine, and when you read that you probably imagined worse. Well, it's worse than that. Every hip hop element is terrible: lyrics, flow, speaking clearly, beats, choruses, originality, not repeating yourself, and everything else. Plus, every standard musical element is terrible, and I'm just talking about simple qualities that make music bearable to listen to: music you can hear clearly, some level of sound balance, vocal production, ability to understand what is being said. It's the worst mixtape that I have ever heard in my life. There is no way a person would ever intentionally listen to anything on here unless your name is Traizey, or you are some sort of idiot blogger like me.


I know Traizey is just a kid. But he had to notice a difference between the quality of what he was uploading to the Internet, and what others upload. He had to know that this was severely lacking on every level.  I mean, there is no way that anyone could listen to even a few seconds of this and know that it wasn't somehow different than everything they've ever heard. I mean, you can't miss it. There is something odd going on here: this should have never been uploaded anywhere, but here it is. It takes a lot of confidence to put an album online of work you did at your house. But what does it take to put an album online that is this bad? Is there something wrong with Traizey? Is he just that stupid, or just that confident? Did he not have one friend or family member tell him how bad this is? I'll say it then, directly to him: Traizey, this mixtape is so bad that it cannot be classified as rap or music. Whether or not you were having fun while making it, it should not have been uploaded or played for anyone ever. Delete it from the Internet and from wherever else it is.


One last thing, Traizey, just maybe the confidence that allowed you to rap like this and then upload it for all the world to hear will pay off someday. But I think you need to put in some serious work, PRACTICE, get a little more experience under your belt, and change your name.


Go Traizey (eventually)!


Never ever listen to this mixtape.


SCORE: 0/10
  

Someday this might be the real newspaper headline.



"I just want to be the best I can just be" - Traizey, I'm So Wealthy

"Stop rapping." - Dag Diligent, The Tortoise General

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