Check the Bio, Son: Ludacris

Check the Bio, Son: Ludacris

Get back to the sex room!

It looks like Def Jam is quickly becoming my favorite place to look at terrible rap artist biographies. Why? They use their artist biographies to market albums (which is dumb), and the person who writes them comes off as some sort of starving artist lowlife...you know big words and grand ideas. So, after “doing” Method Man with an embarrassing bio, Def Jam decided to "do" Ludacirs the same way. Huzzah (well, huzzah for everyone but Ludacris)! The funny thing is that Luda probably doesn't even know about this mess since it's just record company bullshit and nobody would ever look an official bio becasue bio's are stupid and boring. Let's go!

Now, I’m relatively indifferent to Ludacris, I don't like him or hate him, his music has never appealed to me. He comes across as a gimmicky rapper who can throw punchlnes like Mike Tyson but doesn't have much depth. A lot of people do like him though. A whole lot. So nobody can argue with his success. He's sold a ton of records, he's maintained strong sales for over a decade, and he has a dedicated fanbase. He has the ability to change with the times and he's just got a good thing going. Good for him! Now with all that, I’m not saying I don’t like him, I just don’t listen to his music. So let’s see if his official biography can change my mind.

Well, right off things are looking good (bad)! As usual, the record company is using the biography to promote an album, but this time it’s actually a current album, kind of! March of 2010! The album is “Battle of the Sexes”, an album that I haven’t heard (I know! Do I even listen to hip hop?). So the bio says that Luda’s goal for this “spirited” album was to give “men and women equal billing”. Good grief. So, definitely not sexist then? That’s like the CEO of Coors giving a lecture on the evils of alcohol. It just doesn’t make sense. No comprende. I don't even listen to Ludacris and I know that he's talking shit. Prediction: this is a typical chauvinistic rap album.

So Ludacris's biography really starts to dig into the contents the album, and it sounds really awful (like me as a person). The second paragraph describes how there are two sides to every relationship (really?), and that “male artists” tend to give the “male perspective” (do they?). Apparently Luda thought that hip hop needed a balance and “that’s why this album had to come out”. Trust me, this is exactly what hip hop fans want.

Now we get into the shit:

Given his penchant for taking humorous approaches to potentially incendiary topics, Ludacris felt that he needed to address one of the most puzzling double standards between men and women. Enter the feisty "Hey Ho," featuring Lil’ Kim. "Why is it that when men sleep around they’re considered players but when women sleep around they’re considered hoes?" Ludacris says. "It’s just putting that question out there and it’s almost waiting for discussion and debate."

Enter the pompus biographer. Who wrote this? Really? “Perchant” for “humorous approaches” to “potentially incendiary topics”…that’s exactly how I would describe Luda. Apparently Def Jam is trying to impress Luda’s PhD fan base (Dear Def Jam, Nobody talks like that and you’re stupid. Sincerely, Everyone). And that “feisty” song Hey Ho, really sounds good (terrible). Hey Luda, EVERYONE has ALWAYS noticed that promiscuous men are labeled players and honored, while promiscuous women are derided. IT'S NOTHING NEW. IT'S NOT EVEN NEW IN RAP.

There’s no debate that men typically feel a sense of pride regarding their woman. On the muscular, screw-accented "My Chick Bad," Ludacris boasts about his lady’s physical attributes and her ability to bring the ruckus before passing the mic to Nicki Minaj, who energetically trumpets her own super hero-like badness.

Nicki Minaj energetically trumpeting and Luda boasting about a lady's physical attributes? Typical ATL shit! So, Ludacris's biography? Where is Ludacris from? Isn't that what biographys are for? How did he come up in the game? We may never know. But I wouldn't be surprised if this biography started promoting other Def Jam albums or artists. This isn't a biography, it's a biased album review you corporate losers.

"Is the hair in the biography at least?" - Your Hairdresser

It continues…

It’s one thing to be bad, and another to be naughty. Ludacris and longtime collaborator Shawnna create an ultra erotic atmosphere on "Feeling Sexy." Played out like an intense episode of phone sex, the rappers tag-team lines to one another describing the sensuality racing through their minds. For Ludacris, it was the thought that counts.

Ludacris gets ultra erotic with Shawnna?! Finally, a song that everybody can relate too (don’t deny it hater). Don’t we all just love “intense episodes of phone sex"? Yes. And listening to “rappers tag-team lines to one another describing the sensuality racing through their minds”? YES! We all love that. Hip Hop, you’ve finally grown up and become a man, no more baby stuff. Now it's time to step your phone sex game up. But wait, what is this line: “For Ludacris, it was the thought that counts," that makes no sense. We’ll never know what that was supposed to mean.

Well, if I were holding a stack of business papers I would throw them up in the air at this point and walk out of the room. "I'm done with this." Why? Because next Ludacris describes sex itself, it's his bio after all. He can do what he wants:

"The anticipation of sex may be close to or better than actually having sex at certain times," he reveals. "You know why? As a man, what it takes to get us to a point is really what gives us the rush that we need to feed our egos. When you actually do it and are done with it, you’re actually wondering what’s next. You look for the rush that got you to the point to want to do it in the first place. The actual act can be good, but what’s in your mind and your ego telling you that you want to do it is much greater at certain times than the actual act itself. That’s a drug. That is what can drive you insane."

Just like an article from Glamour Magazine! Cool. Great points. Go on "Dr. Drew" as an expert witness for the sexecution! This is a sexy, sexy bio. We’re learning a lot about Luda and our bodies! Let’s go on.

Remember that whole equal voices for men and women thing? Well, in any Battle of the Sexes women need to remember one thing: men play dirty. Want proof? Ludacris drops a song with Flo-Rida, who is definitely NOT A WOMAN! Ha haha double team.

Indeed, the chase is often the most exhilarating portion of the conquest. The playful "Gotta Man" features Ludacris and guest Flo-Rida letting the woman they’re targeting know that they could care less if she’s in a relationship, engaged or married. They simply have to have her. Once the woman is his, Ludacris would surely invite her to his "Sex Room" and see "How Low" she could go. The former unites him with R&B crooner Trey Songz for a sex tutorial, while the latter takes a comical approach to watching a girl shaking what her momma gave her.

Ha haha! Take that, women! These boys don’t care about you at all. Well, except for “how low” you can go in the “sex room”. Any response women? Nope.

SEX ROOM! (AIR HORN)

In fact, "How Low" showcases Ludacris’ dazzling rap skills, as he mixes and matches complex flows and rhyme patterns with remarkable ease over a hyperactive beat. "I have so many different sides of my personality and my artistry and they all came out in that one record," he says. "It was extremely simple for me, which lets me know that that’s me. It’s a fun record."

“Dazzling rap skills”! We all use the word “dazzling” to describe things. It’s common, right? It’s just a dazzling word. And how was the album to make? “Simple”! “It’s a fun record!” Especially for the women confined to the sex room!

WAIT! STOP EVERTHING. STOP THE BIOGRAPHY/ALBUM REVIEW/SEX ROOM. This album also has a serious side:

But Battle Of The Sexes also has a more serious side. The spare, guitar-accented, Swizz Beatz-produced "Tell Me A Secret" with Ne-Yo invites women to release their inhibitions and confide in Ludacris.

Of course, it’s a thin line between love and hate, and "Can’t Live Without You," a smooth duet with Monica, could serve as the soundtrack to that truism. "It’s the craziest thing," he says. "No scientist could ever completely make an understanding of how the human mind works when you want to get rid of a woman but you want to be with her at the same time. There’s no explanation that could ever describe it better than that song can describe it."

By “serious” I mean, MORE POINTS FOR THE MEN IN THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES! HAhaha! With Ludacris women finally have a man they can “confide in” and “release their inhibitions to”. Women need that! They can’t live without men! Ha ahah. But now we get really serious: scientists and neurologists, you can quit your jobs! Ludacris and Monica have finally cracked the question of why, “you want to get rid of a woman but you want to be with her at the same time”. Yep. Take out the trash, Luda, except for what you want to keep. You see, “no scientist could ever completely make an understanding of how the human mind works… There’s no explanation that could ever describe it better than that song can describe it.” Yep, and now no scientist needs to make an understanding of anything ever. Thank you Ludacris and Monica. Response women? NOPE! Swish, one point for the men.

Now I’m going to jump to the last paragraph of the bio for a second. Luda points out that nobody has ever done this type of album before. That’s (not) true (at all). There has never been anything like Battle of the Sexes ever. The album will “create lively debate given its groundbreaking nature”. Sure it will, has the debate ever stopped since this album came out? No. Finally, Luda points out that men and women will never completely understand each other. I’ll give him that. But then the author of the Bio points out that this album will “provide plenty of insight.” I agree, psychologists and marriage counselors take notice, a new authority is here! Just play this album in your counseling sessions and all the problems will be solved (that'll be $700 American).

Ludacris’ career can best be described as remarkable. He has sold more than 12 million albums domestically thanks to the blockbuster success of such singles as "Stand Up," "Get Back," "Number One Spot" and "Money Maker," all of which had imaginative videos that accented Ludacris’ far-reaching imagination and his willingness to stretch the boundaries of what rap videos should look and feel like. With an unrivaled match of lyrical acumen, wit and imagery, Ludacris has solidified himself as one of music’s premier entertainers. Although he’s best known for his infectious tunes, Ludacris has shown that he’s equally adept at writing powerful songs with serious subject matter, including runaways on "Runaway Love."

Holy crap. Back to the article and we are just now getting to the part of the biography that is actually about Ludacris (10 paragraphs in). His career is “remarkable”, of course. He has sold “more than 12 million records”, thanks to a lot of huge hit singles, and all the “imaginative videos”, of course. Then there’s this:

“With an unrivaled match of lyrical acumen, wit, and imagery, Ludacris has solidified himself as one of music’s premier entertainers.”

Why not say that? A lot of Ludacris's rivals have lyrical acumen, but none can match him. Now, I’m pretty dumb (really dumb) and I couldn't help but notice all those college words and I hate them. You think you’re so smart Def Jam, M.D.? Well, you are I guess, I'm too dumb to know. Also, who did you write this for anyway?

So, now we get to hear how great Ludacris is at acting thanks to his “artistic complexity”. I guess he’s okay at acting, but I’ve never heard “Hollywood and critics alike buzzing about his increasingly impressive screen resume.” In fact, whaaaat? In the same paragraph we get to read about Luda’s big business ventures: Conjure Cognac and his record label, which are hugely successful companies! Don’t say they’re not. But our boy isn’t all about the business, he also gives away a lot of money to charity and unflinchingly boasts about it. What a hero. He raised $4 million here, $100 thousand there, and he gave away twenty cars. Great! And watch out Oprah!

And we end the biography with even more promotion, this time for “Ludaversal”, Luda’s next album. And don’t forget the “media mogul has grand plans to expand his brand on an increasingly global basis.” That’s exactly what everybody wants. Keep at it Ludacris. We love you.

Name Dropping: Lil’ Kim, Niki Minaj, Shawnna, Flo-Rida, Swizz Beats, Monica, Trey Songz, Ne-Yo

Bio Score: 0/10
Battle of the Sexes Scores:
Men: 10/10
Women: 0/10

"McCain don't belong in any chair unless he's paralyzed,
Yeah I said it cause Bush is mentally handicapped" - Ludacris

Full Text of biography:

Ludacris knows that rap is essentially a man’s world -- and the three-time Grammy winner is doing something about it. On his eighth album, the multi-platinum rapper wanted to level the playing field a bit, so he crafted Battle Of The Sexes, a spirited collection that gives men and women equal billing.

"Battle Of The Sexes is getting a male and a female perspective all on one album," Ludacris says. "If it’s a male artist, you get a male perspective for the most part. If it’s a female artist, you get a female perspective. That’s why I chose Battle Of The Sexes, because in relationships, there are battles that go on every single day. There are only two types of people in this world: males and females. That’s why this album had to come out, because you’re going to hear from both of them on many different issues."

Given his penchant for taking humorous approaches to potentially incendiary topics, Ludacris felt that he needed to address one of the most puzzling double standards between men and women. Enter the feisty "Hey Ho," featuring Lil’ Kim. "Why is it that when men sleep around they’re considered players but when women sleep around they’re considered hoes?" Ludacris says. "It’s just putting that question out there and it’s almost waiting for discussion and debate."

There’s no debate that men typically feel a sense of pride regarding their woman. On the muscular, screw-accented "My Chick Bad," Ludacris boasts about his lady’s physical attributes and her ability to bring the ruckus before passing the mic to Nicki Minaj, who energetically trumpets her own super hero-like badness.

It’s one thing to be bad, and another to be naughty. Ludacris and longtime collaborator Shawnna create an ultra erotic atmosphere on "Feeling Sexy." Played out like an intense episode of phone sex, the rappers tag-team lines to one another describing the sensuality racing through their minds. For Ludacris, it was the thought that counts.

"The anticipation of sex may be close to or better than actually having sex at certain times," he reveals. "You know why? As a man, what it takes to get us to a point is really what gives us the rush that we need to feed our egos. When you actually do it and are done with it, you’re actually wondering what’s next. You look for the rush that got you to the point to want to do it in the first place. The actual act can be good, but what’s in your mind and your ego telling you that you want to do it is much greater at certain times than the actual act itself. That’s a drug. That is what can drive you insane."

Indeed, the chase is often the most exhilarating portion of the conquest. The playful "Gotta Man" features Ludacris and guest Flo-Rida letting the woman they’re targeting know that they could care less if she’s in a relationship, engaged or married. They simply have to have her. Once the woman is his, Ludacris would surely invite her to his "Sex Room" and see "How Low" she could go. The former unites him with R&B crooner Trey Songz for a sex tutorial, while the latter takes a comical approach to watching a girl shaking what her momma gave her.

In fact, "How Low" showcases Ludacris’ dazzling rap skills, as he mixes and matches complex flows and rhyme patterns with remarkable ease over a hyperactive beat. "I have so many different sides of my personality and my artistry and they all came out in that one record," he says. "It was extremely simple for me, which lets me know that that’s me. It’s a fun record."

But Battle Of The Sexes also has a more serious side. The spare, guitar-accented, Swizz Beatz-produced "Tell Me A Secret" with Ne-Yo invites women to release their inhibitions and confide in Ludacris.

Of course, it’s a thin line between love and hate, and "Can’t Live Without You," a smooth duet with Monica, could serve as the soundtrack to that truism. "It’s the craziest thing," he says. "No scientist could ever completely make an understanding of how the human mind works when you want to get rid of a woman but you want to be with her at the same time. There’s no explanation that could ever describe it better than that song can describe it."

Ludacris’ career can best be described as remarkable. He has sold more than 12 million albums domestically thanks to the blockbuster success of such singles as "Stand Up," "Get Back," "Number One Spot" and "Money Maker," all of which had imaginative videos that accented Ludacris’ far-reaching imagination and his willingness to stretch the boundaries of what rap videos should look and feel like. With an unrivaled match of lyrical acumen, wit and imagery, Ludacris has solidified himself as one of music’s premier entertainers. Although he’s best known for his infectious tunes, Ludacris has shown that he’s equally adept at writing powerful songs with serious subject matter, including runaways on "Runaway Love."

This versatility and artistic complexity enabled Ludacris to make a seamless transition to acting. His acclaimed performances in film (Crash, Hustle & Flow) and television (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit) have Hollywood and critics alike buzzing about his increasingly impressive screen resume. The recently launched Conjure cognac joins Ludacris’ Disturbing Tha Peace Records as yet another successful venture of the business mogul. It’s not all strictly business for Ludacris, though. Indeed, his philanthropic efforts rival his entertainment accomplishments. He recently partnered with Crash writer-director Paul Haggis and the Artists for Peace and Justice to help raise more than $4 million for Haitian relief efforts. Ludacris has also raised more than $100,000 for Atlanta flood victims through his The Ludacris Foundation and recently partnered with a local Atlanta automobile dealer to give away 20 cars to people who have been adversely affected by the recession.

Of course, it all starts with music for Ludacris. With his next album, Ludaversal, already in the works, the media mogul has grand plans to expand his brand on an increasingly global basis. But for now, though, Battle Of The Sexes stands as a landmark release that should create lively debate given its groundbreaking nature. "This has not been done before," Ludacris says. "There’s only two types of people in this world and for thousands and thousands of years we have tried to understand one another and we still don’t 100 percent understand each other."

Though Battle Of The Sexes does provide plenty of insight.