Thursday, October 27, 2011

Draketober “10 Things You Should Know About Drake”

In times of quiet reflection we’ve all asked ourselves this question: “Could I be considered a fan of Drake?”. Of course, for us, the answer is “definitely not” and “hahahaha”. Drake makes really bad music I guess. Not one person on the Tortoise General staff has ever listened to one of his albums, and what we’ve heard from his guest spots and whatever else hasn’t impressed us at all. It's just sounds added to the noise of life, man, and it hasn't made enough of a stir here to rise above anything else. So there you go, the truth is out of the bag, dogs.

Whoa! WAIT! Don’t leave yet! We are aware that Drake exists and has a lot of fans, so I think it’s time we embraced the wave. You win, American teens, we want to know more about Drizzy Drake. So let’s head over to, an independent Drake fansite, and discover...

We can’t wait…Here is the article, Tort Team comments are in turtle green:

10 Things You Should Know About Drake
by Team Drake (LOL)

It seems to be October is the month of Drake or I could say Draketober. Drizzy seems to be the main buzz this month in the hip hop game from his guest star appearance on Saturday Night Live to his “Headlines” single blasting on everyone’s ipod, laptops, and radio stations. Drake also will be turning 25 this year on October 24th and he’s celebrating it big in Las Vegas. Here’s a small list of facts you may or may have not known about Drake.

1. Forget notebooks, Garage Band or even Steve Jobs’ best creations — Drake writes all of his raps directly into his BlackBerry.

That is so cool. “Don’t lose that BlackBerry” – everyone.

2. Mmm-Drizzy! Drake almost played a show with Hanson last year, but the crowd for the free performance at New York’s South Street Seaport was so large that a riot broke out, and it had to be canceled.

Hanson? Do you mean that group of weirdo teenagers from like 1997? What? Really? I thought the days of Hanson riots were over. I was sure those guys got married and had kids and let the grind of life wear them down, you know...I just assumed that they had all grown up to be like Tim Allen on "Home Improvement". And even I know that Drake is way too big of a celeb to be doing shows with some has-been teens from the 90's.

3. Drake made a quick quarter milli when he performed at TV bigwig Jeff Zucker’s son’s Bar Mitzvah in the spring of 2011. No info on what music was played at Drake’s own Bar Mitzvah back in the day, but we do know Hova didn’t perform.

That is something that I needed to know about Drake! He does Bar Mitzvahs! And something about Jay-Z. Neat. Don't forget to collect twenty points for the name dropping.

4. While Elle magazine’s recent interview may not have solved the are-they-or-aren’t-they dating mystery of Drake and Nicki Minaj, one thing’s for sure: friends don’t give any old pal a lap dance in front of a live audience.

OMG! I cannot believe that ELLE didn’t crack that case. They were probably too busy focusing on hairstyles of the Hollywood elite. So this will have to stay a lap dance mystery.

5. He’s dated Rihanna and rapped about getting four girls in a week on “Marvin’s Room”, but his celebrity crush is none other than the hilarious comedienne Kat Dennings, star of Two Broke Girls.

Kat Dennings! What about Kathy Griffen? All the LOLadies: they would LOVE to snag a man who can "get" four girls in a week.

6. He tweets motivational sayings a lot – “You look in the mirror you know who you are…right?” – because he often thumbs through books of quotes. “All my Tweets are things I’d tattoo on me if I was a tattoo type,” he’s told Rolling Stone.

Way to go Drizzy Drake. This is the complete opposite philosophy that the Tort Team uses for Tweeting. We’ll only Tweet for blog promotion and to tear others down. BIG DIFFERENCE. When I look in the mirror I do know who I am I guess, I'm heading to the tattoo shop to get that one on my neck...I am inspired.

7.Although he seems new to the scene, Drake is more of a chart topper than you might expect. The Canadian already has 10 #1 singles on the Billboard Rap Chart, tying him with Diddy!

See, this is why we really shouldn’t be reviewing new urban music. This is my job and I couldn’t name any chart toppers from Drake or Puffy. I don’t even care about charts! They’re dumb! Actually, let me really try to guess some of Puffy’s #1 chart toppers. I know Biggie hits but I have no idea with this P. Diddy guy. Oh boy, I don’t know…that one Sting cover in memoriam of Biggie “Every Move You Make” feat. Faith Evans? “All About the Benjamins”, that has got to be one. That’s all I know. Let’s see the answer:

“Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” f. Mase (#1, Billboard top 100)
“I’ll be Missing You” f. Faith Evans & 112 (#1, Billboard top 100)
“Satisfy You” f. R. Kelly (#1, Billboard R&B/Hip Hop)
“I Need A Girl (Part 1)” f. Usher & Loon (#1, Billboard Rap)
“Tell Me” f. Christina Aguilera (#1 Billboard AOL Video)

That’s it. Diddy doesn’t have ten #1 hits ya dumb Drizzy fans. Also, I’ve never heard any of these songs except for the one with Mase and the one with Faith Evans, and they were both terrible. Diddy and Drizzy and Diddy and Drizzy. Drizzly.

8. He’s a good pal. He went to see Lil Wayne three times while Weezy was locked up in New York’s Riker’s Island jail.

That really is a nice thing. Everyone should do that. I wonder if any fan could just drop in and see Lil Wayne at Riker's. The world may never know.

9. He isn’t afraid to bite the hand that feeds him. “Universal needs to stop taking my fucking songs down,” he recently Tweeted. “I am doing this for the people not for your label.”

Ha ha hahaha! Those record companies are the worst aren’t they? I don’t buy it. I don’t buy any of it. Hey Drake, if you wanted to give away your music then you could have done that, no problem. But you went ahead and got signed and promoted and everything else and now you’re mad? This sounds like a publicity stunt because everyone hates record companies and Drake wants to be a man of the people I guess. Also, is this one of those inspirational tweets that deserves a tattoo? You bet.

10. He loves Top 10 lists. Any subjects, doesn’t really matter.

I’m sure he loves this list as well. We all do. Fans are the best.

There you go! The Tort Team does it again. So what have we learned? Fans are the WORST. Who in the hell put this list together? Why would anyone care about any of this? Here is my question: does the guy make good music or not? Everything else is probably not important. You fans need to get a life.

A few minutes ago I didn't really care for Drake because of his music. Now I don't care for him because of his music and because of his brain dead fans. See you in Drakevember.

Top Ten Score 0/10

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