Monday, November 21, 2011

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Soldjasoulz "Soldjasoulz"

Official UK Mic Wreckerz

Every American without exception agrees that hip hop from other countries is just trash garbage. I mean, ha hahaha, seriously Italy? Seriously AustraliaHahaha! Ninety percent of American hip hop is trash and someone from another country thinks that they can rap good! HAHAHAH! WRONG! YOU ARE WRONG. Hey, everyone but America*: STOP TRYING. YOU’RE NOT GOOD AT RAPPING! Seriously, focus on the style of music from your own country and do good at that. I know you hear that hip hop is worldwide and universal (and it is), but when we say that we mean AMERICAN HIP HOP IS WORLDWIDE, DUH.
*Maybe Mexico and some islands in the Caribbean are okay.

So now that that’s out of the way, let’s look at some British hip hop, HAHAHAHA! I’ll tell you right now that the accents are going to be an issue. Not because I can’t understand them (I can’t), but because it sounds weird and not tough. So, we’re reviewing Soldjasoulz’s self titled British album or mixtape or whatever they call it.

I already have two serious issues and they both involve the cover of the album, more specifically: my issues are with these guy's heads and what is on top of their heads. One guy is wearing a very weird New York Yankees cap. Why? The Yankees don't play in Bristol! Represent your own city or whatever. Wear a Leeds cap or something. Maybe a Bowler. The Yankees hat is disrespectful to whatever hamlet you represent and also leave the American hats to Americans (and Puerto Ricans). Ya dig? Speaking of disrespecting your hometown, the other guy's hair looks like a costume. “Hey, Edward we’re going to need a picture for the album cover, make sure you don’t get a haircut for two years and try to look gross”. “Aye, Governor!”

Well, let’s get to the music chaps…

1. New Danger Remix
It figures that the boys would start with some weird French fugue or something like that. Europeans always stick together! So the first guy rapping sounds like a preteen and also sounds timid. But what is he shyly saying? Oh, something about breaking in to Jay-Z’s house and taking his Blueprints. DUMB. Jay-Z lives in a different country than you. He goes on and on about pink t-shirts and trainers (what else would you expect from Europeans?). Then the other guy comes in and now we have a big problem. The question right away is this: can a voice have too much echo? Yes, of course there is such a thing as too much echo. But for these guys the answers is “most definitely not”…MORE ECHO. Let’s echo the shit out of the voice to the point that it cannot be understood. Why not? Not-not-not-why-not-not-why-not-not-why (that was an echo, fyi). This song is the worst worst worst worst worst worst worst worst worst (that was not an echo, it was a honest estimation of how 'worst' this song is.).

2. Joke’s on YOU
An oddly appropriate title for anyone listening to this and expecting something good. Everything about this song is awful. And you know what, I felt a deep anger when I heard that they had sampled the RZA's laugh from After the Laughter: "He ran but he didn't get far, cuz I dropped 'em - Ah haha hahaha ha". Please, please, PLEASE don't sample good music fellas, okay. The echo game is stepped up AGAIN.

3. Run Dis Stings
Now that's a British song title if I ever saw one! So the beat is okay I guess. Now this is going to be really obscure but I'll go there anyway because who cares. I'm a big fan of OGC (of the Boot Camp Clik), I've bought all of their albums and I noticed a significant change in the production style between their first album and second album. Things went from grimy and rugged to slick and overproduced (and orchestral) and that hurt their overall sound. This is a common trend that has impacted many other artists as well (even the Wu, rugged at first, slick production later). I would guess that it has to do with the adoption of new technology or whatev's. Anyway, I'm not a fan of the clean sound that a lot of rappers have adopted, that's what I'm trying to say. Well, this song is exactly what I'm talking about. The violin fuled beat is a hollow echo of real hip hop. It sounds terrible. Soldhasoulz, you're trying too hard. Quit using a computer for production and QUIT TRYING TO SOUND LIKE YOUR HEROES. Other than that, do I really need to say that the lyrics are indechiperable trash? No? Good, let's move on.

4. Now Shush
Ohhhhhhhh Yeeeeeeeah! This song breaks out the gate hardcore, and GOOD GRIEF it's hard to believe that this is a song from the 2000's, it sounds like bad rap from the US in 1991. That is uintil they start rapping, then you realize that you couldn't even dream of a song this bad in a night terror dream, and that's the kind of dream where the worst stuff happens.

Early on in the song one of the rappers says that he has "never sold" his "soul", yet he's basically begging to be signed for this entire mixtape. He should change that line to "I'm desperate to sell my soul, I have no credibility and I'm timid". That would make more sense.

Finally, the title of this song is exactly how I feel about Soldjasoulz! Now Shush Soldjasoulz. Please. I wish something could come in and cheer me up. Wait:
Bongo Solo!

5. All I Ever Wanted
"Aye, blokes! What kind of beat do you want?"
"Aye, something random, just press random keys and loop it ya soap dodger."
"Sounds proper you cheeky monkey!"

Let me ask you, could this beat be any worse? NO. Soldjasoulz trademark echo is in full effect and when you add that to an "amazing" beat this song becomes absolutely unbearable. Now the first guy rapping mentions something about all the internet hate that Soldjasoulz experiences (hey, some of that is from us!) Let's check it out...

"Hate is on the Internet
They can't take the vibe of these roughnecks with intellect."

He's right. I can't take it! I believe that I am detecting a hint of autotune on the chorus which is a sign of excellence. And when you consider the fact that I couldn't understand these guys if they were speaking English, we can officially say that this song is a massive failure for everyone involved including me.

6.  Cuntstoppable
A pun title. I'm not even going to listen to this. Review it yourself, Soldjasoulz.

"Aye, it's right proper then." - Soldjasoulz.. I think not.

7. Sourface
This beat isn't the worst! Don't get excited though, it's not good either, it's just, uh, something.  It sounds kind of like an old Keith Murray beat (don't think that's a compliment, Soldjasoulz). I think I've finally pinpointed one of the major problems with the rapping. We've got two bloke rappers here: the echo guy and the timid guy. And the timid guy tends to half-heartedly sing the rhyming word in the second line of his flow. You can hear an example within the first ten seconds of this song...I'll italicize the singy flow:

"When I make a move I make it undeniably slick /
The second coming of Christ, you think that I could be it? /
I'll have a gold plated pen for writing my shit /
It'll be the same pen that Sony 'll be signing me with"

Besides the bad-sounding singing stuff, he also crowds the words that start his first line. It SOUNDS BAD! THAT'S A REALLY IMPORTANT PART OF RAPPING: SOUNDING GOOD. Also, these guys really want to be signed. PLOP! That was the sound of this song falling into the abyss, where it belongs, never to be listened to again (yes, the abyss is full of water).

8. The Burial
Sigh! So we start off with some backwards lyrics (which is never a nice touch unless your name is ODB, which it isn't). Then the reggae themed beat kicks in, rude boy. Here we go...

"Me? I'm just so slick, so sick on the mic.
So dope with the flow, you could stick in a pipe.
I got...more bounce than a kangaroo
and a better buzz than a point eight ticket of white."

A kangaroo reference? Who do you think you are? Outkast? It's a tough call, but I'll be honest: this is probably the best track on the album. Now don't go out trying to buy this shit because you'll be enormously dissapointed. Air Horn!!!! Some of the lyrics are clever which is a nice touch but I honestly don't think that these guys have the voice for rapping, especially with the singy song flow.

Hey blokes, let's cap it off with a little joking around...

"It's DPF...if you don't know me by now...your mum probably does."


9. New Danger
I'm going to let you in on a little secret of this blog: I am reviewing this song on a different day than the whole rest of the album. Why? Becasue I can't take so much bullshit in one sitting. Why is this important? Becasue I'm in a tremendously bad mood right now. I'm very angry so this song had better be great becasue I need my hip hop fix. Nothing weak. Here we go.

Thank goodness! I'm hearing scratching! That by itself is like medicine for my soul. Sure the beat once again sounds like 1994 Erick Sermon, but I can accept that for a few minutes (although this song will never be played again if only because the beat is awful). Oh for fucks sake! This is the original version of the track that kicked off the album. Dammit! I'VE BEEN TRICKED BY SOME BRITS. I've already heard this appaling song! While this shit version sounds a lot better than the shit remix it's still not good at all. I'm glad they dropped the vocal echo, and the other guy sounds less timid but still a little wonky! They both sound wonky! Plus this whole track is only like a minute and a half long, what a relief! Hooray! See you tomorrow!

10. Rumors  (remix)
I'm so happy that we finally get a remix of Rumors. Right? I mean who could forget the original version? Wasn't it great? Yea, I never heard it. I'll assume that this version is better than the original, in which case the original must have been terrible because this song is really lousy.

So I guess Soldjasoulz is/are really sick of hearing "chatty, chatty nonsense" (as they say) and this song is meant to address that. Each line in the first verse starts with "rumor has it" which is clever and everyone should do that because it hardly gets old at all. The rumors being addressed here are really important! For example, there is a rumor that Soldjasoulz has "fallen off", WRONG. Also, they were going to battle Pharoahe Monch until they "called it off". WRONG AGAIN! That was never a rumor. Then there's this:

"Rumor has it that I'm badder than you,
when you want to prove otherwise you get to the back of the queue.
See, now Rumor has it that I'm not as bad as you
cuz if I was I'd have a rap video on channel U, right?"

Oh boy. So let's assume that he's saying 'bad' to mean good. If so, what is he talking about there? If he means "bad" like "bad" then what is he talking about there? It's just confused nonsesne, or should I say chatty, chatty nonsense? "Gasp" - Soldjasoulz (for turning the tables yet again). And who says "Queue"? Nobody I know.

Well, then then we get to the really European stuff: dressing up like the police, sex changes, weird singing with a Jamacian accent, having "fifteen dicks", smoking crack, a terrible beat, and a LESSON. That's right, Soldjasoulz wants you to learn a very important lesson: the rumors about Soldjasoulz will stop if YOU refuse to listen. OH! Well, I can't say that I've ever heard a rumor about Soldjasoulz (except from this song), but I can say that I will refuse to listen anything involving Soldjasoulz from now on. Your rumors and music are the worst. PLEASE MAKE IT ALL STOP.


In summary, the UK really needs to lock this down. I'm not sure what that means, but I think the UK needs to outlaw rapping. That's it...leave it to America. Some of us know what we're doing (not me)! And the internet should be ashamed for having this mixtape (and this review) as content. FOR SHAME. I can see why they're only charging ₤2 for it, because nobody knows what '₤' means, and also 2 of those can't be much...I guess ₤2 = 2¢ American, but who knows?

Usually I take the last line of a mixtape review and drop a little encouragement for the artists involved. After all, I live for underground hip hop and I really want to hear good stuff. I want new jacks to master their craft and drop ill shit. This time, however, I want to discourage Soldjasoulz from rapping. That is until you find your own sound and stop trying to copy other people. Nobody wants to hear Wales answer to the Wu or Eminem, we want to hear fresh shit. Fresh American shit, that is. USA! USA! USA!

Soldjasoulz Score: 0₤/10

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