Monday, May 14, 2012

Yo! That's a Mixtape?

Editor's note: This is a rewrite of a mixtape review we accomplished at some point in 2011. The artist requested that we take down our negative review of his mixtape or he would contact "higher authorities" (like God?). Hahaha! What a pansy! If you don't want a negative review then don't make awful hip hop. Right? AND don't post it on the largest mixtape sharing site around, dumbass. Anyway, we took it down! But it's back baby, but since the artist pulled his own awful mixtape off the internet, and asked us nicely (at first), we are removing all specific references to the artist and his work. So this is the most worthless post we've ever done. Enjoy!

Yo! That’s a Mixtape: (title removed at request of artist) 

--Official Stats--
Artist: Removed (It was a really common name that a Meth addict would give an unwanted kid, followed by a really dumb "street name").
Title: "Removed" (It was realllllly dumb)
Uploaded to DatPiff: Removed (about four years ago)
Listens: Very few, less than fifty
Artist Aliases: A really stupid variation of his already stupid rap name. Stupid!
Affiliations: Arby's
Location: A rural area of an eastern state

Editor's note: We'll call the artist "Bunko" just so I can call him SOMETHING in this review. Bunko is not his real name.

 Bunko, where have you been?” – Bunko's mom (not hip hop fans).

It’s no secret that one of my favorite elements of hip hop is MCing. It's the best. There’s not much that can top hearing an established MC tear up a track. But one thing that might be a little better is when a guest appearance by a small time MC blows your mind. We've seen it tens of times: a single good verse by a small time cat turns into a career. It feeds the beast of hip hop through cross promotion and makes the whole genre better. Cool for that. On the other end of that spectrum are the kids in the suburbs who upload mixtapes that they made in their nice house mansion using their Rockband microphone for fun. These are not serious MCs, they are misguided morons who think that anyone can rap. Bunko is one such moron, as proof he describes his debut mixtape as follows:

 a few tracks i recorded with my rock band mic and audacity.
nothing to special just tryna b heard

Yep.  Because anyone can rap with any kind if equipment, right?  If you’re talented it will shine through, no matter what video game accessories you use as recording equipment. Right?  That’s how the RZA started out, RIGHT?  I assume by "audacity" Bunko means the freeware (that usually includes a capital letter, Bunko), but I would point out that it takes audacity to put your name on a mixtape this bad.

Now, I know it’s kind of unfair for a seasoned idiot like myself to review someone’s hobby, but that’s my job.  If you don’t want it reviewed, don’t upload it to a public site.  Obviously Bunko thinks he has something special here and he is “tryna b heard”, so, dream come true time. Ya heard!

For the record, I’m not out for blood. If a track is good, I’ll give it the respect it deserves. That's how I roll. Credit where credit is due or However, if something catches my ear as being a little off, I’ll call that out as well. I’m taking into account all of the elements of hip hop, and I’ll just go ahead and spoil this for you now: Bunko is terrible. I would use a word worse than terrible if I could, but I’m not that smart (you can go to if you want, I don’t have time).  

So, here we go. Bunko is bad at making up rhymes, his flow is appalling, his beat selections are questionable, and his topics are juvenile. This album sounds like it was made using a Rockband mic and audacity freeware (by someone without talent).  

“Ouch,” you say, “But, he's just a kid!  A sensitive one at that.”

To which I reply, “How can someone have bad beats on a mixtape? They can pick any beat they want? ANY BEAT. What about Rump Shaker? That’s a good beat.  It’s instantly familiar, nostalgic, easy to amp up, and easy to spit over.” Not into Wreckx-N-Effect?  Then use Ghetto Jam by Domino. Same Difference, Bunko. You see, Bunko’s beats are so bad that it’s like he wanted to fail at this.  He wanted this to be mocked on the Tortoise General blog!  Well guess what Bunko, YOU GOT IT.

So let’s examine his selections:

Thankfully, Bunko decided to keep it light and only offer five tracks:

1. “Hear Them Calling (Remix Ft. Kid Cudi)”

Our friend Bunko takes the lackluster beat from I Hear Them Calling by Kid Cudi and rhymes over it. Bunko demotes Cudi from “copyright holder” to “featured guest” and proceeds to ruin everything by adding a few verses to the track (which originally appeared on Cudi’s “Nasa Music 2: Space Dreams Mixtape” (seriously, that’s a mixtape name)). I’ve got to point out that this track is terrible to begin with, it is nothing anyone would ever listen to, much less use as the first beat on a mixtape. A point for Bunko though: the official version is basically an instrumental, so it was probably easy to finish…so, nice efficiency, maybe he should go into business management.

Our first exposure to Bunko as an MC is abysmal. His first verse is a poorly written verse about writing verses. Get it? The second verse is about how lonely our host is, and how it’s driven him to, uh, not do anything. “I’m done done, so my best bet is to run run.” Hahahhahaha!

Kid Cudi and Eminem are rolling over in their grave over this one (not the same grave). Eminem produced the original.

2. "Red Skys"

Skys or Skies, the choice is yours. Wow, so Bunko starts out with some big observations, some big questions, and some unintelligible mumbling, but this is what I got: everyone is fake, and "what is life all about?". Okay, thinking big! Once the music starts (Brandon Heath's terrible "Red Sky" on krunk) Bunko has the opportunity to spit from the heart. I gotta say that Bunko is probably going through some tough times (suburban teenager stuff) and doesn't really know how to express himself because this track is a cry for attention: "look what I've been through, I'm important, listen to me, etc".. Sure, that's what a lot of music is, but Bunko is so straightforward with his raps that he comes off as desperate.

Verse 1: Bunko responds to being "laughed at and questioned" by challenging his unnamed nemesis to keep talking because "your mouth is your only weapon" and "talk is cheap". But maybe the words have hurt him more than he let on because he mentions that he "was flyin' until somebody clipped [his] wing." Turns out Bunko is depressed, he ends the verse with some self pity, but he is also able to fondly reminisce "I remember smiling when I got them sideburns, I remember sayin' fuck the world, it's my turn." Your turn for what? Sideburns? Making bad mixtapes.

Verse 2: Bunko lists his friends, notes that it's hard to tell who's fake, then connects that to the murders of Biggie and Pac and the current state of hip hop. Of course!

Verse 3: This is literally a cry for help. "Even myself doesn't know me / so now I'm at the bottom feelin' lonely / people always threatening me". Editor's note: I'll also add this on there: his cry for help is met with ridicule from the worst blog on the internet, this one.

3. "I cried Today"

I can already tell that we are continuing to walk down depression street with Bunko. This time I'm not going to track down the beat. Needless to say it's a stunningly generic melancholy piano, which perfectly fits a song about a broken family, which this is (I think). Now, I'm not going to dive in too deeply (after that last song I just don't have the energy), but I think Bunko needs a parent or some kind of elder to take an interest in him and guide him. Mentor him. I'm not up for the job (did you see that album cover...I would be in way over my head), but you might be. You could say, "hey kid, give up on the rapping, improve your photoshop skills, and stop eating at Arby's." This is your chance to make a difference, you could turn Bunko's tears to confidencence!

4. “Darkness”

Really? Another depression track. A mournful synthesizer provides the canvas for Bunko to sing about depression stuff, with some ill advised self harmonizing. In his Bone Thugs-flow raps Bunko misses the good old days, you know, last year when he was fourteen and elaborates on his situation at home (divorce and "creepy" boyfriends). Sheeeesh, uh, skip.

5. "She Was Only Fifteen"

A happy guitar! Bunko giving advice! Maybe things are looking up for Bunko! He's obviously in love and wants a certain young lady to give up on her current boyfriend and take a look Bunko's way. The lyrics are complex to say the least: "If I tell you 'I Love You', you better believe it. Cuz' your only fifteen you don't gotta believe it". Whhaaaatttt? It's a lot of that. Terrible. TERRIBLE. THESARUS.COM: abhorrent, appalling, atrocious, awful, beastly, dangerous, desperate, dire, disastrous, disturbing, dread, dreaded, dreadful, fearful, frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hideous, horrendous, horrid, horrifying, inconvenient, loathsome, monstrous, obnoxious, odious, offensive, petrifying, poor, repulsive, revolting, rotten, serious, severe, shocking, unfortunate, unnerving, unpleasant, unwelcome, vile (that goes for the whole album).

IN CONCLUSION: I’m sorry Bunko, you're probably a good kid. I know this might be the only review your debut mixtape will ever get and it’s not very good (I mean both my writing and your album). So, don’t show this to your friends in homeroom. Oh, and get a mentor. Maybe a non-rap related hobby that you can take up with an adult, like chess or movies. I don't know. Good luck with the rest of high school (or your GED, whatever).

Also, Audacity is the worst for allowing things like this to be made. Shame on you, Audacity. For shame.

Score: 0/10

After seeing his 0/10 score (or at his tenth birthday last year)
Editor's note: We're happy to remove any post at any time.

I want to point out this tape was four years old when we reviewed it.  The guy who made it had clearly grown up and no longer stood behind this work (I don't blame him cuz it sux). However, the way he approached us to take this down contained the same cowardace and timidness that drew our attention to him in the first place. He cried his way through this mixtape, and then he came crying to us to take down our review. I guess some people never change. So, to the real Bunko: GROW UP. Know this: if this one offends you somehow, we'll only take it down if your mom contacts us, but I'll tell you this: she didn't seem to care last night.

No comments:

Post a Comment