Monday, July 23, 2012

America's Hellhole Braces for Walmart Pitbull Visit - Breaking News!

This is a news ALERT with two sides, one good and one bad. I guess it also has a third side that has something to do with Pitbull. So three sides to the same coin. A good side, a bad side, and a human (Pitbull) side.

Let's start with the facts:

1. Everybody's favorite store, Walmart, put together a promotion where whichever store got the most "likes" on Facebook would get to host a Pitbull concert, or something. Dumb shit.

2. I only understood about 70% of what Pitbull said in that video.
3. Fastforward to today.
4. As a prank, jokers united and voted up a store in a remote part of Alaska. Kodiak, Alaska to be exact.

HAhahah! That's an island!

5. Pitbull is going to Alaska. #truth

Okay. So let's start with the good: Internet pranksters. Good prank! Nailed it. You forced Pitbull to go somewhere ridiculous. Pitbull is a very commercial artist, and I'm guessing relatively bankrupt artistically. I don't know. His music sounds like crap to me. Speaking of crap, you also punished Walmart for trying to get people to "like" their horrible stores on Facebook. Guess what Walmart: nobody likes any of your cesspool stores. WE ALL HATE EVERY WALMART. It's not the shitty products or the surly underpaid workers that bother us (although they do bother us). In fact, it's not even the isles that offer the same experience as a Woodstock port-a-potty (that is every surface is filth laden, foul smelling, vomit covered, unirne soaked, and caked with human waste).  The thing that bothers us the most isn't even the area of your store where people are supposed to go to the bathroom: the restroom. I mean the bathrooms are a very bad part of every Walmart (not worse than "pets" becasue at least in the bathroom the shopper isn't surrounded by death), but it's just something we all accept. After all, we have all had the experience of going into a Walmart bathroom, so we know what to expect: you hold your nose and just jump (exactly like Slumdog Millionare):

We all hate your stores because you exploit poor people. To make your garbage products, to sell your garbage products, to "clean" your stores, and to buy your garbage products that break instantly. WALMART, YOU'RE THE WORST! YOU GET ALL THE MONEY BY STANDING ON OUR THROATS.

Think about your stupid "like" promotion. If I go on Facebook and see that someone I respect suddenly "likes" their local Walmart, the first thing I think is "maybe I should reconsider that 'respect' thing". Then, the next thing I think is "what does my friend get in return for liking your nightmare store?" Probably an opportunity to win a $100 gift card or something. I know that he doesn't really like Walmart. He was tempted and was weak. We all know the deal and nobody is going to start shopping at Walmart becuase some internet jackyls started "liking" their stupid neighborhood store.

What was I saying again? Oh, so Walmart thought they were so smart with their posion energy drink + Pitbull promotion, and then some nerds got a hold of it. And outsmarted all the marketing people, and BOOM: KODIAK, ALASKA. Haahahah! Nerds rule. Pitbull concert in twenty feet of snow while dodging Moose and gross fishermen. Good fucking luck with that Kodiak, your town is going to suck even more.

Now for the BAD side of this whole thing. Let's say that this Walmart promotion worked out the way that Walmart thought, and Pitbull ended up performing in surburban Miami. Nobody would have ever heard about it at all. Maybe the local neighborhood and some hardcore Pitbull fans. But nobody else.

So these NERDS start acting up and do a big PRANK and BOOOM! A MILLION PEOPLE HEAR THE STORY, WALMART.COM gets a billion hits and makes a Mt. Everest of money. Walmart is the talk of the town. Guess what, nerds: YOU BLEW IT. Think of how your lame prank turned out:

-Pitbull looks like a great and honorable guy.
-Walmart gets tons of free press and peope are like "Walmart has stores in Alaska! Who knew. I guess Walmart isn't so bad after all. All American. Serving the rural areas of Alaska. What a good company."
-Walmart and Pitbull get to be victims and get sympathy.


Finally for the human side. Poor Pitbull has to go to Alaska. WTF. Nobody should have to go there. Pitbull might make hollow music, but he is still a person and shouldn't have to suffer through an appearance in America's Hellhole*: Kodiak, Alaska. In America's worst store: Walmart. Poor Pitbull. Plus, nobody is a fan of Pitbull in Alaska. Hardly anyone is a fan of Pitbull in regular America. Who's going to show up at his appearance? People who fish? Unemployed outdoorsmen? Bear hunters? Trappers? Nobody? Walmart management? Good grief. It's going to be a disaster.
*This is just an assumption. I've never been there.

Now for the town of Kodiak. Nobody has ever been there, but I PROMISE THAT THEY DON'T WANT PITBULL IN THE CITY LIMITS. I don't know how Alaskan's roll. But I suspect that Bad Boy Latino isn't exactly raking in the money up there. Sure, maybe some money. Some Alaskans might enjoy a Pitbull show. But most of them will be confused and then angry. Why do that to the poor VICTIM town of Kodiak? I don't know.

IN CONCLUSION: Nobody won with this one. Except for Walmart. Nice job nerds.

PRANK SCORE 10/10 0/10


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