Monday, July 9, 2012

Yo! Check Out My Cover: ONE-i "The Rap Barry Bonds Flow on Steroids"

Welcome to the Tortoise General Blog! Tort Team, what? This is another post in our ongoing series which examines the cover art of mixtapes. Dumb shit! We don't listen to the album at all, we're just jerks all around with eyes that see bad covers. Enjoy.

---Official Stats---
Artist: ONE-i
Released: June 1, 2009
Listens: 211

Good old One Eye. I had a dog named that once. Well, he was actually named "Max" but we called him One Eye after he chewed out one of his eyes. So sad. But what is this guy's excuse for having such a dumb great name?

"But his name is ONE-i, not one eye." - you.

Fine, but let's get to this cover. It looks pretty basic, but I think we have a lot to examine. Okay, let's start with the basic design. The corners are peeling up, indicating that this is supposed to be a poster or a piece of paper. But what is the poster stuck on? Nothing in the lower corner (just black), and a big city in the upper corner. Perfect.

Next we have ol' ONE-i gently hitting a baseball, and, of course, it's goes right for the camera and breaks a window. Now, is this window in the peeling poster, or is it outside of the poster, or does it even matter? It does look like he put a lot into that swing, and that ball is really flying. Is he even standing near home plate?

Oh, and his shirt is on backwards! Kris Kross.

AND HE HAS A DUPLICATE STANDING BEHIND HIM. Two ONE-i's! Do my two eyes deceive me? But the other ONE-i put his shirt on properly. What?

So, the rap Barry Bonds appears to have dragged a microphone out onto the baseball field. He tipped it over and then he went up for his turn at bat, where he broke a window that was two feet in front of him. Hey, ONE-i, how was that ball pitched to you? Through the window? Didn't think that one through, did you?

IN CONCLUSION: The Microphone isn't plugged in. Ol' ONE-I looks half asleep, and that baseball looks so 3-D I tried to catch it the first time I saw this image.


P.S. Check the video at 1:00, ONE-i and see what the world thinks of your name.

"One Eye, One Eye. Stupid as a French Guy. One Eye. One Eye"

34 Tracks!

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