YO HO HO! Are there any ladies in the place? HEY LADIES?!?!! I have some terrible news? I guess. Rapper Macklemore is engaged! Cross him off your date-night list, return the date dress to Dress Barn, call Red Lobster and cancel the reservation. Hold on, just let this sink in: MACKLEMORE IS ENGAGED TO GET MARRIED. Also, who in the fuck is Macklemore? Who knows. Let's check the story:
Ben 'Macklemore' Haggerty - Rapper Macklemore Is Engaged
30 January 2013
Rapper Ben 'macklemore' Haggerty is engaged.
The 29 year old proposed to his longtime girlfriend Tricia Davis on 21 January (13) and now the couple is set to wed. The hip-hop star tells People magazine, "I just proposed to my girlfriend, and she said yes. We scaled down a mountain. I got down on one knee and told her how much I loved her. It was really beautiful." The news caps off an exciting month for the musician - his collaboration with producer Ryan Lewis, Thrift Shop, ended Bruno Mars' six-week reign at the top of the U.S. pop charts last week (begs21Jan13), and Haggerty admits he's beyond shocked by the track's success. He adds, "I thought it would be a niche song, but now it's No. 1 in the country, which is weird to say out loud!"
OH. That fucking Thrift Store guy. That song is not hip hop and it is also the worst. FUCK HIM. I hate that song. It came up on my Pandora rotation once but I was wearing gloves so I listened to it all the way through. But if I hadn't been wearing gloves I would have hit dislike so hard that my iPod would have broke in fucking half. What a piece of shit #1 pop song. Fucking garbage. Swill. Don't believe me? Check it out:
Plus here's another fact: this piece of shit is from Seattle. Big surprise. The outhouse of America, Peeattle, vomits another lame ass rapper on to the internet. Washington state is the worst at rap and the worst state in the country. We officially named it the worst state of the year for 2012, and I think it'll sweep 2013 too. Think about that. It's worse at rap than Montana, Idaho, and fucking Oregon. OREGON! I didn't think that anyone could be worse at anything than Oregon, yet here we have it.
WASHINGTON STATE, STILL THE WORST, SCREWS UP AGAIN
So do I gave a problem with Thrift Stores? No. I wouldn't go in one unless they sold music but I don't generally have a problem with them.
Do I have a problem with dressing like an idiot and bragging about it for four minutes on a wacky slappy beat? BINGO ASSHOLE. Listen, I hate songs about clothes, but this song is only a little about clothes and a lot about shopping. I would rather eat nickles than go shopping. And fucking bragging about it. Are you kidding me? I want to think that this is a novelty song, but it's not. It's a pop song, from the heart, about shopping for trash. Plus the video is full of little jokes and winks. Look at this, a kid. Look at this, someone is obese. All the races come together with Macklemore over his music. Macklemore is universal and so fun. This is the state of rap today. So sad. Peeattle indeed.
Getting swindled and pimped? Oh, people who buy regular (non-soiled) clothes are idiots now? You can't win with this guy. This song is fucking terrible. Is thrifting something rich people do? I don't know. I hope I never hear another word from Macklemore in my life. And I sure as shit hope that the next time a Macklemore song comes up on my iPod I'm able to take off my glove and press "DISLIKE".
IN CONCLUSION: Washington state is
THRIFT STORE SCORE 0/10
WAIT! I wasn't even reviewing that piece of shit song! I was reporting that Macklemree is engaged. I hope his wife realizes that he is an embarrassment to rap and makes him quit. Please quit Macklemrere. Nobody wants to hear your garbage. Please quit. Think of your future wife. Think of your family. They don't need the burden of your fecal music weighing them down forever.
P.S. Here is another decent article by Brandon Soderberg at Spin which says everything I tried to say here only better. Check, check it:
"He is, in the hierarchy of people poring over cheap-ass clothes in the Goodwill, only slightly above jerks who go there for Halloween outfits. At the top of this hierarchy, of course, are people who don't have enough money to buy new clothes."