Think about the dentist. You know that little water gun they put in your mouth to wash out the bad tastes and chemicals? That little spritzer thing? Well, you're probably going to need one of those because we're about to gather together and watch Drake's video for "5AM in Toronto". And you're probably going to vomit into your mouth a lot (like a gallon). Then you can use that dentist water sprayer to clean out the terrible taste of Drake's shit video.
So, I don't think we've talked too much about Drake, except to identify that his fans are completeidiots. They're the absolute worst (both Drake and his fans). Personally, I'm not a fan. I think his music caters to the ladies and also to stupid kids or something. Whoever he makes his music for, it's not me (the hip hop professional blog owner and official hater). Plus, I haven't ran the numbers yet, but I suspect that Canada is the worst at rap. Oh, wait. I have ran the numbers. Canada sux at rap. Just look at these two images from our archives:
See? That's proof positive. Anyway. Let's get to video. Hopefully it will be amazing and erase all of the bad feelings we have about our stupid neighbor to the north.
In hindsight, who gives a shit about Toronto in general, much less what happens at 5am there? Nobody. I mean this in the nicest way, but Toronto is a shit city. Nobody ever thinks about it. And at 5am there people are sleeping or getting ready for work. They're fucking grumpy. Especially in the endless winter of Canada. So is it any surprise that nothing fucking happens in the video? So what happens at 5AM in Toronto accoring to Drake?
Standing around, barley moving, while having a smoke and a drink. Moththerfucker, I call this break time for the kitchen crew at Denny's. Not hip hop shit. This is every bus stop in Philly ALL THE TIME. Fucking drunks freezing and smoking while waiting for nothing to happen. #philly #allday
So real.
This is just normal shit. And those two dudes in the background. How much did you have to pay them to get up at five in the fucking moring to stand around while you rap. You all look tired. "Just get some sleep and we'll pick this up later" - what the director should have said, but the director was clearly Drake's mom.
Things get exciting when Drake decides to walk across a parking lot and enter a building! WOW! Amazing visual. Give that director all the MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS. In fact, cancel the mtv awards, this video just won them all. So where is Drake going? Is he on grill? "Break's over, deadbeat, clean the tables. Oh, and breaks are only ten minutes Jimmy Brooks." - Denny's manager.
Oh. Now the video cuts and we're following someone inside a club. It's so sick in there. What do we see? Bar. Bikini. Smoke. Stupid hat. What a cool place. Toronto.
See the background in that picture? It's a beach volleyball court. Because Toronto is known for its beach volleyball. Nothing else happens in the video or in Toronto. Drake Raps at a tea table while four girls stand around looking cold and tired in the Volleyball pit. Then the power goes out and they break out the flashlights.
Thanks for showing the world Toronto's famous unreliable power grid. Fuck it. Then Drake leaves the volleyball beach party alone (well, with his boys). Sad.
"Volleyball" is one word. All Canadians are stupid.
Done. So let's review how Drake represented Toronto: Looking tired as hell. Standing in a cold parking lot looking lonley. Showing a pretty shitty and normal bar. Showing the saddest beach "volley ball" that the world has ever known. Suffering through a brown out. And showing that Canadians can't spell and are stupid. Perfect video Drake, you make my job easy. you're basically making fun of yourself and your horrible city for me. Easy street. I wrote this in less than a minute. I have time to go out in a real city and get mugged by real hooligans, none of that watered down Toronto shit.
You know the stupidest thing about this video? I didn't give a shit what Drake was rapping about. Not because of the video (which was dumb), and not because of the beat (which was dumber, except at the end when the break drops), but because his raps were uninteresting. How is this shit a hit song? How does this deserve a video? You can do better than this Drake. Canada can do better. We can all do better. Give me my 3:37 back, jackass.
5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (song) 5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (actually being there)
Visit one of Canada's two shit holes*: Toronto *the other one is Vancouver
Today we're going to get smart about whatever the fuck twerking is. Fuck it. You know you want to know. But who can teach us? YOUR STINK MOM? Hell no. We need an expert. How about French Montana? Whoever that is. His world famous number 1 song "Pop That" will answer all of our questions about twerking. Let us go to him and have our questions answered (mystical shit (not the rapper Mystical)).
Let's see. French Montana is somehow a Moroccan Somali, so he's worldwide. He is the CEO of Cocane City Records, which is the place that everyone wants to get a job once they score their MBA. So good on that, French. He's somehow involved with Maybach and Bad Boy, so you know he's making hit after hit. This is one of those hits!
LET'S GET AT THIS A-HOLES.
Well that was a let down. Blowin' out the drum machine with a million pops and snaps every second.
Also: surprise! This song features Drake, Lil Wayne, and Rick Ross. All of your favorites together in one place. Personally, I'm not a fan of anyone on this roster, but I am a fan of Rick Ross's fucking necklace of his own face. That's boss shit. STUPID SHIT!!!! Could you say that Rick Ross twerks with his own face on his neclace? Yo! Rick Ross, twerk your fucking face. Is that what twerking is? Let's check the chorus:
Don't stop, pop that, don't stop Pop that pop that pop that (What you twerkin' with) (repeat x 1000000)
HOOOOOLY SHIIIIIT! That doesn't answer anything. What is twerking? Is it that face thing with Rick Ross fucking his own face? Probably not. Is it working and bouncing? What do you think? I don't know. I think it has something to do with ladies. Am I right? Don't answer...my sister's kids read this blog. Oh, don't show them that terrible video either, they're both under 6.
I think that I'm making a pretty safe guess that twerking has something to do with ladies. That guess is based on the fact that 40% of this song is about ladies. But the other 60% is about how much money all the rappers have. Nice. It's so fun to listen to rich people rap about their posessions. I can relate! I love to hear about expensive shit! Don't stop, don't stop. Maybe Mitt Romney should rap? What do you think?
So, since we cracked that "ladies" thing. Let's see what the fella's are rapping about money-wise.
French Montana: 1. Rolls-Royce Phantom 2. Drinking that top-shelf Vodka that Diddy makes at his apartment (Ciroc) 3. Throwing money on the floor. 4. Having a "Brinks" truck in his pocket - LOTS OF CASH ON HAND (COOL!) 5. Wearing 30 chains 6. Having two convertibles with no mileage 7. Being generally rich 8. Having a Bugatti 9. Buying lots of drugs
Well, that was neat. I love it. Who's next?
Ah, Rick Ross (HAHAHAHA): 1. Having a four door Bugatti 2. Spending a "stack" every minute of fifty's or one hundreds
Not too much bragging! Uh, STEP YOUR GAME UP RICK ROSS. Who's next?
Drake (ugh): 1. He makes three times as much money - whatever the heck that means 2. Money is coming and going 3. He bought a house 4. He loves champagne 5. He's got one watch that could "pay for all your chains" 6. He buys drinks for everyone at some swanky Hollywood bar or something
I'll tell you one thing: Drake has a lot of moooonnnneeeeeyyyy. He also is pretty mad at people who don't. Hateful. That's fine! Last up:
Lil' Wayne: 1. Shouts out his clothing line 2. He's just "rich"
Lot's of dineros. Lot's of bragging. So if you want to learn more about twerking, get a lot of money. Then I guess you can twerk with the best of them.
IN CONCLUSION: I don't know how anyone could listen to this festering pile of shit. Do people who listen to this want to be rich? Are they rich people? Are they poor people? Listen, these guys are exploiting you. They stick you for your money on some empty ass shit that they call music. You know who likes this shit? People with low self confidence. People who are so beat down by the world that their only escape is to listen to rich people describe how they control everything. They key is control. These weak ass nerds feel powerful when they hear shit like this. Nobody can step on a rich guy. Ladies can't reject a rich guy. Everything goes right for the rich.
Well here is my advice to you. Figure out who you are and where society is actually forcing you. Then make a change. Dont accept it. You're not a failure. You're exactly the same as the dorks who made this garbage song. SO CHANGE. I'm not talking weak get out the vote nonsense, I'm talking beat the system somehow. Stop listening to these clowns and fill your head with real wisdom.
FIGHT THE POWER AND FUCK FRENCH MONTANA, RICK ROSS, DRAKE, AND LIL WAYNE. Pop that, fat cats.
Not long ago we were exploring the internet and discovered "10 Things You Should Know About Drake" on a Drake fan site (DrizzyDrake.org). We learned a lot of things about Drake that day that we should have already known apparently. For example, we learned that Drake looks in the mirror and also loves top ten lists! So we are reviewing a top ten list today! Actually, it's a top 55 list. HOLY CRAP!!!!!! 55 is A LOT, but at least this should settle it once and for all: are we Drake Fans or aren't we? The original article is Bolded Gray, Tort Team Comments are Green Italics (we also omitted the "You know your a Drake fan..." from the start of each item becasue that whole thing would be repeated every time, NO THANKS)...
If you ever think about it, when do you draw the line and think to your self, “Wow I’m really a Drake fan” lol. Here’s a long list compiled from different fans of why they’re Drizzy fans or aka Team Drake! Some of these are pretty funny. Once you get done going through all the reasons, think about why you know your a Drake fan.
1. You know you’re a Drake fan when your tearing up at the TML signing on camera.
Right off the bat: I'm not a fan I guess. I've never teared up at "the TML" singing anywhere (isTML "Thank Me Later"?). Plus I'm not a fan of confusion between "you're" and "your".
2. ...when teddy grahams remind you of him.
Nope. And what does that mean?
3. ...when you don’t have the channel noggin so you wake up early at 945 on summer mornings to catch Degrassi at 10 on mtv hoping its an episode that drakes in a lot. I've never watched a sigle episode of Degrassi, but I am a fan of making fun of it in long reviews.
4. ...when every ringtone on your phone is drake related.None of mine are!
5. ...when you get a So Far Gone tattoo.
I don't have any Drake related Tattoos and I don't like this one.
6. ...when you promote Drake to everyone like your his manager and when they pay him a compliment, you reply thank you.
Eh...I never even talk about Drake unless I'm talking about Common.
7. ...when you cry like baby when he falls on stage in your hometown and then you push bitches out of the way cause your pissed.
I actually like that he fell, that's funny...and nobody should touch anyone else. Grow up, kids.
8. ...you call 3 barnes and nobles and 2 borders within a 30 miles radius of your house looking for the Fader Magazine. And then you drive 20 minutes to pick it up
I'm not even sure what this means. But I know I didn't do it. Fader? Really? Buying magazines (do people still do that?).
9. ...when one of ya’ teacher comes to you and asks you about him because she heard about him so much and people told her that you the person she looking for.
Teachers are the worst, especially when you the person she looking for.
10. ...when you spaz out when you watching a youTube video.
The first Drake video we ever watched was when we had to write this review, and nobody spazed out anything...unless spaz means "sat quietly".
11. ...when you here he’ll have a small clip on 106 and park and set your TV to record the whole week. You know, just to make sure.
106 & Park! Is that still around? I've never watched an episode of that. I used to watch Rap City though.
12. ...when you have a section of Drake pictures in your phone and you put a lock code cause ya’ friends stay making fun of you
Nope. Good move locking that down though.
13. ...when you let your mother listen to all your Drake mixtapes, and now she’s a bigger fan than you are.
I'm glad that Drake is uniting famlies, but I don't have a mother or a Drake mixtape. :(
14. ...when you’ve considered making a shrine to him in your closet but decided not to because that’s a little too much. (think Helga in “Hey Arnold”)
No thoughts of making a shrine, and have no idea about Helga or "Hey Arnold". I guess I'm out the loop! **SPAZ** LOOL.
15. ...when you don’t answer your phone for your friends because your on the internet reading up on Drake.
Friend: What are you doing, why didn’t you answer your phone? Me: I was “Draking” off. Friend: OMG, that’s all you ever do!
Eh...I've done some "reading up" on Drake (actual research), but I would still answer my phone..and I've never, ever, ever "Draked" off.
16. ...when you defend his old hairstyle on a regular basis. (You know, the mixed kid jewish afro he had from the old Degrassi days.
I don't think I've ever defended anyone's hairstyle. I usually fit into the 'mock everything including hairstyles" camp, chumps.
17. ...when your friends call you drake when your name is really…
Nope. Call me Drake and get punched.
18. ...when you memorize not only the lyric but the sound effects and adlibs to his songs
Nope.
19. ...when everyone at work calls you a ‘Drake Head’
Nope. My coworkers call me a 'recovering alcoholic'.
20. ...when you think you caught Drake eating cheesy fries at the mall lol
That's a lol that I've never done.
21. ...when you’re flipping channels on a Sunday morning and stop on the old school Degrassi episodes and wait until you see Aubrey, smile like a geek then change the channel again. Didn't we already do this one?
22. ...when nearly 50% of your iPod is Drake’s music.
My Drake content is offically at 0% (except for maybe a few guest spots that I don't remember and that one terrible J. Cole song guest. Barf!)
23. ...when his songs come on in the club & your singing it at the top of your lungs word for word.
Nope.
24. ...when you have his Twitter page bookmarked & you check it every other day
Nope. I check my Twitter page for ways to earn a free $1,00 Target gift card!
25. ...when you and your friend make a video remix of Drake’s hits and Diddy “Hello Goodmorning and upload it to youTube.
Nope. Friends should STOP you from doing this.
26. ...when you thought about carving his face into a bar of soap
Nope. Also, that is really odd.
27. ...when every week you change your blackberry wallpaper & it’s a Drake picture.
Nope. My wallpaper is of my grandkids (jk).
28. ...when you need to watch one of his youtube videos right before you go to bed just to get a better sleep at night.
Nope.
29. ...when your boyfriend is giving you …. and you accidentally call him Drake
Nope. This one sounds made up.
30. ...before you go to a concert you do your excited dance.
Never been to a Drake concert, wouldn't be that excited about it.
31. ...when you can’t help but buy every magazine he’s in, and as you look at the pictures you take a deep breath and all you can say is OHHH MYYYY GODDDD!! Real slow as you flip to the next Picture!
Nope. Where do these people get all this magazine money?
32. ...when you send a text to everyone you know threatening their lives if they dont go buy TML!
I've never done this. But I want someone to send me this text and see if I'm laughing or plotting revenge.
33. ...when you’re at his concert and your friend feels like she’s gonna faint, and you just leave her sitting on the floor in the middle of the crowd because Drake just came out…
I wouldn't leave a man down from my team Drake or no Drake.
34. ...when you listen to “Thank Me Later” on your iPod, then change your mind and listen to the CD then change your mind AGAIN and listen to it on your iPod!
I don't have any Drake songs anywhere.
35. ...when you go and buy every copy of Thank Me Later at your Best Buy
I sincerely hope that Best Buy goes out of business forever soon. This isn't helping.
36. ...when you have all his youtube videos as your favoirtes and his background on ur twitter page or even have a wallapaper of him on your laptop as ur backround.
HEY WE ALREADY DID THIS ONE TOO.
37. ... when you get jealous and/or semi pissed at some of the girls he has been linked with.
I don't even get remotely pissed.
38. ...when you completely STOP watching Degrassi after he left the show.
I stopped watching it before I saw even one episode, and I didn't even see that one.
39. ...when you keep a spare TML cd in every car you get into, my dad’s, my own, my sister’s and the bf’s.
CD's! Hahahahah! What R those?
40. ...when you got your puppy singing brand new.
Nope. Someone call PETA!
41. ...when your friends can’t get you to shut up about him cause you talk about him 24/7, 7 days aweek
I can (and do) shut up about Drake 24/7, 7 Days a week (uh, isn't that what the '7' means'?).
42. ...when the main reason you have Twitter is for the off chance Drake will Tweet something to you
I have Twitter for the articles and didn't we already cover this one?
43. ...when your friends think you know Drake personally because you know everything about him.
Nope. Your friends are dumb.
44. ...when your driving around and see a group of girls and blast drakes music to let them know whats really good lol…
I've never done that, but I bet that their eyes were opened.
45. ...even after watching Drake shake his head like a bobble head you still love him!
Still don't really like him.
46. ...when you win a burping contest because you burped drake’s whole name/or one of his lines to a song
I'm sure that this is very common contest, but I've never even thought about burping Drake's name.
47. ...when someone skips a track on a Drake cd and you get mad, and make them go back.
Drake fans love CDs! I wouldn't know if a track was skipped on any Drake album ever.
48. ...when your skipping through songs on the radio and then you hear drakes voice and spazz out and blast it in your car for everyone to hear
I don't spazz and I don't listen to the radio (except for NPR, and if Drake came on there I wouldn't spazz.).
49. ...when you searched millions of websites just to listen or read his lyrics or to find more info. about him.. even if the pargraphs are 10 pages long. AND; you get excited when you see his offical fan page!
A 10 page paragraph! I definately wouldn't read that...I feel like this list is 10 pages long.
50. ...when you annoy your friends updating them about Drake, when they never seem to care
I'm sure this Drake post will annoy my friends, but I wouldn't call this an update.
51....when you had a countdown on your desktop for thank me laterrr!!!
No countdown, no thanking anyone at any time, only spell later with one 'r'.
52. ...when you get excitied to clean up a two story house because that’s the only time that you can listen to his cd.
I don't have a two story house, and I don't clean (and I don't listen to Drake). Also, how is it the only time you can listen to it is while you're cleaning? I call bologna on that. Can you not listen to it while you're walking, chilling out, eating, resting, talking on the phone, driving, working out, or updating your Drake fan site?
53. ...when your 30 about to turn 31 and you listen to Drake all day as if your a teenager!!
I'm not 30.
54. ...when your friends call you Mrs Aubrey Drake Graham because they know how much your in love with him.
If anyone called me "Mrs." anything, I'd cut 'em.
55. ...when you read this whole list ^ and watched every single video till the end!
DAMMIT! I read this whole list. But I didn't watch the videos all the way through, so I'm still safe: not a Drake fan.
I’m a Drake fan because… I think it’s a bit obvious
How do you know your a drake fan?
-----------------------------
You know, out of fifty fucking five points, not one of them said this:
You know you're a Drake fan becasue you enjoy his music and you look forward to future releases.
That seems like the obvious one, but who knows. I guess we're not Drake fans. We didn't agree with any of the above statements. Too bad, right? Fans are the worst . Each one of these points are the worst.
In times of quiet reflection we’ve all asked ourselves this question: “Could I be considered a fan of Drake?”. Of course, for us, the answer is “definitely not” and “hahahaha”. Drake makes really bad music I guess. Not one person on the Tortoise General staff has ever listened to one of his albums, and what we’ve heard from his guest spots and whatever else hasn’t impressed us at all. It's just sounds added to the noise of life, man, and it hasn't made enough of a stir here to rise above anything else. So there you go, the truth is out of the bag, dogs.
Whoa! WAIT! Don’t leave yet! We are aware that Drake exists and has a lot of fans, so I think it’s time we embraced the wave. You win, American teens, we want to know more about Drizzy Drake. So let’s head over to DrizzyDrake.org, an independent Drake fansite, and discover...
We can’t wait…Here is the article, Tort Team comments are in turtle green:
10 Things You Should Know About Drake
by Team Drake (LOL)
It seems to be October is the month of Drake or I could say Draketober. Drizzy seems to be the main buzz this month in the hip hop game from his guest star appearance on Saturday Night Live to his “Headlines” single blasting on everyone’s ipod, laptops, and radio stations. Drake also will be turning 25 this year on October 24th and he’s celebrating it big in Las Vegas. Here’s a small list of facts you may or may have not known about Drake.
1. Forget notebooks, Garage Band or even Steve Jobs’ best creations — Drake writes all of his raps directly into his BlackBerry.
That is so cool. “Don’t lose that BlackBerry” – everyone.
2. Mmm-Drizzy! Drake almost played a show with Hanson last year, but the crowd for the free performance at New York’s South Street Seaport was so large that a riot broke out, and it had to be canceled.
Hanson? Do you mean that group of weirdo teenagers from like 1997? What? Really? I thought the days of Hanson riots were over. I was sure those guys got married and had kids and let the grind of life wear them down, you know...I just assumed that they had all grown up to be like Tim Allen on "Home Improvement". And even I know that Drake is way too big of a celeb to be doing shows with some has-been teens from the 90's.
3. Drake made a quick quarter milli when he performed at TV bigwig Jeff Zucker’s son’s Bar Mitzvah in the spring of 2011. No info on what music was played at Drake’s own Bar Mitzvah back in the day, but we do know Hova didn’t perform.
That is something that I needed to know about Drake! He does Bar Mitzvahs! And something about Jay-Z. Neat. Don't forget to collect twenty points for the name dropping.
4. While Elle magazine’s recent interview may not have solved the are-they-or-aren’t-they dating mystery of Drake and Nicki Minaj, one thing’s for sure: friends don’t give any old pal a lap dance in front of a live audience.
OMG! I cannot believe that ELLE didn’t crack that case. They were probably too busy focusing on hairstyles of the Hollywood elite. So this will have to stay a lap dance mystery.
5. He’s dated Rihanna and rapped about getting four girls in a week on “Marvin’s Room”, but his celebrity crush is none other than the hilarious comedienne Kat Dennings, star of Two Broke Girls.
Kat Dennings! What about Kathy Griffen? All the LOLadies: they would LOVE to snag a man who can "get" four girls in a week.
6. He tweets motivational sayings a lot – “You look in the mirror you know who you are…right?” – because he often thumbs through books of quotes. “All my Tweets are things I’d tattoo on me if I was a tattoo type,” he’s told Rolling Stone.
Way to go Drizzy Drake. This is the complete opposite philosophy that the Tort Team uses for Tweeting. We’ll only Tweet for blog promotion and to tear others down. BIG DIFFERENCE. When I look in the mirror I do know who I am I guess, I'm heading to the tattoo shop to get that one on my neck...I am inspired.
7.Although he seems new to the scene, Drake is more of a chart topper than you might expect. The Canadian already has 10 #1 singles on the Billboard Rap Chart, tying him with Diddy!
See, this is why we really shouldn’t be reviewing new urban music. This is my job and I couldn’t name any chart toppers from Drake or Puffy. I don’t even care about charts! They’re dumb! Actually, let me really try to guess some of Puffy’s #1 chart toppers. I know Biggie hits but I have no idea with this P. Diddy guy. Oh boy, I don’t know…that one Sting cover in memoriam of Biggie “Every Move You Make” feat. Faith Evans? “All About the Benjamins”, that has got to be one. That’s all I know. Let’s see the answer:
“Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down” f. Mase (#1, Billboard top 100)
“I’ll be Missing You” f. Faith Evans & 112 (#1, Billboard top 100)
“Satisfy You” f. R. Kelly (#1, Billboard R&B/Hip Hop)
“I Need A Girl (Part 1)” f. Usher & Loon (#1, Billboard Rap)
“Tell Me” f. Christina Aguilera (#1 Billboard AOL Video)
That’s it. Diddy doesn’t have ten #1 hits ya dumb Drizzy fans. Also, I’ve never heard any of these songs except for the one with Mase and the one with Faith Evans, and they were both terrible. Diddy and Drizzy and Diddy and Drizzy. Drizzly.
8. He’s a good pal. He went to see Lil Wayne three times while Weezy was locked up in New York’s Riker’s Island jail.
That really is a nice thing. Everyone should do that. I wonder if any fan could just drop in and see Lil Wayne at Riker's. The world may never know.
9. He isn’t afraid to bite the hand that feeds him. “Universal needs to stop taking my fucking songs down,” he recently Tweeted. “I am doing this for the people not for your label.”
Ha ha hahaha! Those record companies are the worst aren’t they? I don’t buy it. I don’t buy any of it. Hey Drake, if you wanted to give away your music then you could have done that, no problem. But you went ahead and got signed and promoted and everything else and now you’re mad? This sounds like a publicity stunt because everyone hates record companies and Drake wants to be a man of the people I guess. Also, is this one of those inspirational tweets that deserves a tattoo? You bet.
10. He loves Top 10 lists. Any subjects, doesn’t really matter.
I’m sure he loves this list as well. We all do. Fans are the best.
There you go! The Tort Team does it again. So what have we learned? Fans are the WORST. Who in the hell put this list together? Why would anyone care about any of this? Here is my question: does the guy make good music or not? Everything else is probably not important. You fans need to get a life.
A few minutes ago I didn't really care for Drake because of his music. Now I don't care for him because of his music and because of his brain dead fans. See you in Drakevember.
