Macklemore Something Something: Breaking News

oh boy

YO HO HO! Are there any ladies in the place? HEY LADIES?!?!! I have some terrible news? I guess. Rapper Macklemore is engaged! Cross him off your date-night list, return the date dress to Dress Barn, call Red Lobster and cancel the reservation. Hold on, just let this sink in: MACKLEMORE IS ENGAGED TO GET MARRIED. Also, who in the fuck is Macklemore? Who knows. Let's check the story:

Ben 'Macklemore' Haggerty - Rapper Macklemore Is Engaged
30 January 2013

More Sharing Services

Rapper Ben 'macklemore' Haggerty is engaged.

The 29 year old proposed to his longtime girlfriend Tricia Davis on 21 January (13) and now the couple is set to wed. The hip-hop star tells People magazine, "I just proposed to my girlfriend, and she said yes. We scaled down a mountain. I got down on one knee and told her how much I loved her. It was really beautiful." The news caps off an exciting month for the musician - his collaboration with producer Ryan Lewis, Thrift Shop, ended Bruno Mars' six-week reign at the top of the U.S. pop charts last week (begs21Jan13), and Haggerty admits he's beyond shocked by the track's success. He adds, "I thought it would be a niche song, but now it's No. 1 in the country, which is weird to say out loud!"

OH. That fucking Thrift Store guy. That song is not hip hop and it is also the worst. FUCK HIM.  I hate that song. It came up on my Pandora rotation once but I was wearing gloves so I listened to it all the way through. But if I hadn't been wearing gloves I would have hit dislike so hard that my iPod would have broke in fucking half. What a piece of shit #1 pop song. Fucking garbage. Swill. Don't believe me? Check it out:




Plus here's another fact: this piece of shit is from Seattle. Big surprise. The outhouse of America, Peeattle, vomits another lame ass rapper on to the internet. Washington state is the worst at rap and the worst state in the country. We officially named it the worst state of the year for 2012, and I think it'll sweep 2013 too. Think about that. It's worse at rap than Montana, Idaho, and fucking Oregon. OREGON! I didn't think that anyone could be worse at anything than Oregon, yet here we have it.

WASHINGTON STATE, STILL THE WORST, SCREWS UP AGAIN

So do I gave a problem with Thrift Stores? No. I wouldn't go in one unless they sold music but I don't generally have a problem with them.

Do I have a problem with dressing like an idiot and bragging about it for four minutes on a wacky slappy beat? BINGO ASSHOLE. Listen, I hate songs about clothes, but this song is only a little about clothes and a lot about shopping. I would rather eat nickles than go shopping. And fucking bragging about it. Are you kidding me? I want to think that this is a novelty song, but it's not. It's a pop song, from the heart, about shopping for trash. Plus the video is full of little jokes and winks. Look at this, a kid. Look at this, someone is obese. All the races come together with Macklemore over his music. Macklemore is universal and so fun. This is the state of rap today. So sad. Peeattle indeed.

Getting swindled and pimped? Oh, people who buy regular (non-soiled) clothes are idiots now? You can't win with this guy. This song is fucking terrible. Is thrifting something rich people do? I don't know. I hope I never hear another word from Macklemore in my life. And I sure as shit hope that the next time a Macklemore song comes up on my iPod I'm able to take off my glove and press "DISLIKE".

IN CONCLUSION: Washington state is still permanently the worst. Macklemore is the worst (and the hair...I didn't even talk about that poser shit). And this song is a nightmare.

THRIFT STORE SCORE 0/10

WAIT! I wasn't even reviewing that piece of shit song! I was reporting that Macklemree is engaged. I hope his wife realizes that he is an embarrassment to rap and makes him quit. Please quit Macklemrere. Nobody wants to hear your garbage. Please quit. Think of your future wife. Think of your family. They don't need the burden of your fecal music weighing them down forever.

P.S. Here is another decent article by Brandon Soderberg at Spin which says everything I tried to say here only better. Check, check it:

"He is, in the hierarchy of people poring over cheap-ass clothes in the Goodwill, only slightly above jerks who go there for Halloween outfits. At the top of this hierarchy, of course, are people who don't have enough money to buy new clothes."

UPDATE!!!!

DONE SON

Get Smart About Twerking with French Montana's "Pop That"

TWERK OR DIE

GREETINGS YOU STINK NERDS.

Today we're going to get smart about whatever the fuck twerking is. Fuck it. You know you want to know. But who can teach us? YOUR STINK MOM? Hell no. We need an expert. How about French Montana? Whoever that is. His world famous number 1 song "Pop That" will answer all of our questions about twerking. Let us go to him and have our questions answered (mystical shit (not the rapper Mystical)).

Let's see. French Montana is somehow a Moroccan Somali, so he's worldwide. He is the CEO of Cocane City Records, which is the place that everyone wants to get a job once they score their MBA. So good on that, French. He's somehow involved with Maybach and Bad Boy, so you know he's making hit after hit. This is one of those hits!

LET'S GET AT THIS A-HOLES.



Well that was a let down. Blowin' out the drum machine with a million pops and snaps every second.

Also: surprise! This song features Drake, Lil Wayne, and Rick Ross. All of your favorites together in one place. Personally, I'm not a fan of anyone on this roster, but I am a fan of Rick Ross's fucking necklace of his own face. That's boss shit. STUPID SHIT!!!! Could you say that Rick Ross twerks with his own face on his neclace? Yo! Rick Ross, twerk your fucking face. Is that what twerking is? Let's check the chorus:

Don't stop, pop that, don't stop
Pop that pop that pop that
(What you twerkin' with)
(repeat x 1000000)

HOOOOOLY SHIIIIIT! That doesn't answer anything. What is twerking? Is it that face thing with Rick Ross fucking his own face? Probably not. Is it working and bouncing? What do you think? I don't know. I think it has something to do with ladies. Am I right? Don't answer...my sister's kids read this blog. Oh, don't show them that terrible video either, they're both under 6.

I think that I'm making a pretty safe guess that twerking has something to do with ladies. That guess is based on the fact that 40% of this song is about ladies. But the other 60% is about how much money all the rappers have. Nice. It's so fun to listen to rich people rap about their posessions. I can relate! I love to hear about expensive shit! Don't stop, don't stop. Maybe Mitt Romney should rap? What do you think?

So, since we cracked that "ladies" thing. Let's see what the fella's are rapping about money-wise.

French Montana:
1. Rolls-Royce Phantom
2. Drinking that top-shelf Vodka that Diddy makes at his apartment (Ciroc)
3. Throwing money on the floor.
4. Having a "Brinks" truck in his pocket - LOTS OF CASH ON HAND (COOL!)
5. Wearing 30 chains
6. Having two convertibles with no mileage
7. Being generally rich
8. Having a Bugatti
9. Buying lots of drugs


Well, that was neat. I love it. Who's next?

Ah, Rick Ross (HAHAHAHA):
1. Having a four door Bugatti
2. Spending a "stack" every minute of fifty's or one hundreds


Not too much bragging! Uh, STEP YOUR GAME UP RICK ROSS. Who's next?

Drake (ugh):
1. He makes three times as much money - whatever the heck that means
2. Money is coming and going
3. He bought a house
4. He loves champagne
5. He's got one watch that could "pay for all your chains"
6. He buys drinks for everyone at some swanky Hollywood bar or something


I'll tell you one thing: Drake has a lot of moooonnnneeeeeyyyy. He also is pretty mad at people who don't. Hateful. That's fine! Last up:

Lil' Wayne:
1. Shouts out his clothing line
2. He's just "rich"


Lot's of dineros. Lot's of bragging. So if you want to learn more about twerking, get a lot of money. Then I guess you can twerk with the best of them.


IN CONCLUSION: I don't know how anyone could listen to this festering pile of shit. Do people who listen to this want to be rich? Are they rich people? Are they poor people? Listen, these guys are exploiting you. They stick you for your money on some empty ass shit that they call music. You know who likes this shit? People with low self confidence. People who are so beat down by the world that their only escape is to listen to rich people describe how they control everything. They key is control. These weak ass nerds feel powerful when they hear shit like this. Nobody can step on a rich guy. Ladies can't reject a rich guy. Everything goes right for the rich.

Well here is my advice to you. Figure out who you are and where society is actually forcing you. Then make a change. Dont accept it. You're not a failure. You're exactly the same as the dorks who made this garbage song. SO CHANGE. I'm not talking weak get out the vote nonsense, I'm talking beat the system somehow. Stop listening to these clowns and fill your head with real wisdom.

FIGHT THE POWER AND FUCK FRENCH MONTANA, RICK ROSS, DRAKE, AND LIL WAYNE. Pop that, fat cats.

POP THAT SCORE 0/10