Macklemore Something Something: Breaking News

oh boy

YO HO HO! Are there any ladies in the place? HEY LADIES?!?!! I have some terrible news? I guess. Rapper Macklemore is engaged! Cross him off your date-night list, return the date dress to Dress Barn, call Red Lobster and cancel the reservation. Hold on, just let this sink in: MACKLEMORE IS ENGAGED TO GET MARRIED. Also, who in the fuck is Macklemore? Who knows. Let's check the story:

Ben 'Macklemore' Haggerty - Rapper Macklemore Is Engaged
30 January 2013

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Rapper Ben 'macklemore' Haggerty is engaged.

The 29 year old proposed to his longtime girlfriend Tricia Davis on 21 January (13) and now the couple is set to wed. The hip-hop star tells People magazine, "I just proposed to my girlfriend, and she said yes. We scaled down a mountain. I got down on one knee and told her how much I loved her. It was really beautiful." The news caps off an exciting month for the musician - his collaboration with producer Ryan Lewis, Thrift Shop, ended Bruno Mars' six-week reign at the top of the U.S. pop charts last week (begs21Jan13), and Haggerty admits he's beyond shocked by the track's success. He adds, "I thought it would be a niche song, but now it's No. 1 in the country, which is weird to say out loud!"

OH. That fucking Thrift Store guy. That song is not hip hop and it is also the worst. FUCK HIM.  I hate that song. It came up on my Pandora rotation once but I was wearing gloves so I listened to it all the way through. But if I hadn't been wearing gloves I would have hit dislike so hard that my iPod would have broke in fucking half. What a piece of shit #1 pop song. Fucking garbage. Swill. Don't believe me? Check it out:




Plus here's another fact: this piece of shit is from Seattle. Big surprise. The outhouse of America, Peeattle, vomits another lame ass rapper on to the internet. Washington state is the worst at rap and the worst state in the country. We officially named it the worst state of the year for 2012, and I think it'll sweep 2013 too. Think about that. It's worse at rap than Montana, Idaho, and fucking Oregon. OREGON! I didn't think that anyone could be worse at anything than Oregon, yet here we have it.

WASHINGTON STATE, STILL THE WORST, SCREWS UP AGAIN

So do I gave a problem with Thrift Stores? No. I wouldn't go in one unless they sold music but I don't generally have a problem with them.

Do I have a problem with dressing like an idiot and bragging about it for four minutes on a wacky slappy beat? BINGO ASSHOLE. Listen, I hate songs about clothes, but this song is only a little about clothes and a lot about shopping. I would rather eat nickles than go shopping. And fucking bragging about it. Are you kidding me? I want to think that this is a novelty song, but it's not. It's a pop song, from the heart, about shopping for trash. Plus the video is full of little jokes and winks. Look at this, a kid. Look at this, someone is obese. All the races come together with Macklemore over his music. Macklemore is universal and so fun. This is the state of rap today. So sad. Peeattle indeed.

Getting swindled and pimped? Oh, people who buy regular (non-soiled) clothes are idiots now? You can't win with this guy. This song is fucking terrible. Is thrifting something rich people do? I don't know. I hope I never hear another word from Macklemore in my life. And I sure as shit hope that the next time a Macklemore song comes up on my iPod I'm able to take off my glove and press "DISLIKE".

IN CONCLUSION: Washington state is still permanently the worst. Macklemore is the worst (and the hair...I didn't even talk about that poser shit). And this song is a nightmare.

THRIFT STORE SCORE 0/10

WAIT! I wasn't even reviewing that piece of shit song! I was reporting that Macklemree is engaged. I hope his wife realizes that he is an embarrassment to rap and makes him quit. Please quit Macklemrere. Nobody wants to hear your garbage. Please quit. Think of your future wife. Think of your family. They don't need the burden of your fecal music weighing them down forever.

P.S. Here is another decent article by Brandon Soderberg at Spin which says everything I tried to say here only better. Check, check it:

"He is, in the hierarchy of people poring over cheap-ass clothes in the Goodwill, only slightly above jerks who go there for Halloween outfits. At the top of this hierarchy, of course, are people who don't have enough money to buy new clothes."

UPDATE!!!!

DONE SON

"Good Kid, M.A.A.D. City": Worst Track

Yeh. U know the drill. Some people have a lot to say about Kendrick Lamar's latest album, but not me. I like it a lot and I've played it a ton of times because it's good. It's great! If you don't have it BUY IT AND YOU'LL LIKE IT! That's the Tort Team Guarantee*! Plus it has a song with MC Ehit! What are you waiting for?
*Not guaranteed in WA, OR, ID, or MT because those places have no idea about hip hop.

Okay. So what was I saying again? Oh, "Good Kid, Maad City"  is good. Maybe not this good (actually, don't watch this video, it's the worst):

Good grief. Don't watch that. It's Game and Snoop passing the torch or something with a lot of profanity. Chilllllllllllllll dudes. We get it. Swearing. I don't know if Snoop has the torch to pass anymore. Maybe in 1993...but not now. I think it's a rule: you forefit any and all torches when you sign with No Limit Records. But, GAME...I respect him so I'll let this slide.

SO ANYWAY! This is a great album, but one song has such a shitty beat and it sucks the worst on the album. The song is called "good kid" and I can honestly say that I was surprised to discover that it was produced by Pharrell. Sure Pharrell and I have our differences (like when his stupid team blocked me on Twitter), but he usually produces things that aren't the worst on the album. Not this time though.

So, let's listen to a good track from the album, then we'll spin the worst track from the album.

So this is a good song:




See. SO GOOD. And produced by DJ Dahi. I don't know who that is! 

Now for the WORST:


What a buzzkill. Buzzkilington. Kenderick does a good job. But, Pharrell, what the f is that beat. It's very boring. You boringed up the middle of a good album. So dull. Nice job. You took something good and ruined it. You made the "skip" song. Plus, I bet with a different producer this song could have been okay.

IN CONCLUSION: I still like you Pharrell even though you are doing a lot of things to push me away. Ruining Kenderick's album (kind of). Blocking me on Twitter. This, which is so embarrassing and so the worst. I guess what I'm saying is CLEAN UP YOUR ACT PHARRELL. It's time. It's time to stop being like this:





DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO THAT! Unles you like to think you're different by coping the styles of everyone else. "Look I'm different! But I'm the same as this huge group of teenagers and Pharrell." Pharrell, you're the worst. Get back up. i am OTHER is lame. Get back up. You screwed up Kenderick's album. GET BACK UP. I'll never be like you. GET BACK UP. You're a money whore poser. Stay down. Ya Bish!




MONEY TREES SCORE 10/10
good kid SCORE 4/10
i am OTHER SCORE 0/10



Pharrell Poppin' Bottles and Being Ture to himself Pepsi

 Shit I can't leave you with that image...let's go with another Kenderick:




#SALUTE




#SALUTE #SALUTE

BEST & WORST of 2012



Exactly how we felt for 2012 (we're all Freeway).

Greetings from Knoxville, TN! HAHA just kidding, I would never go there. I assume it's the worst city of 2012! Are you getting an idea of what this is? It's a best and worst of 2012 list. Cool.

WAY BACK in January of 2012, when we published our terrible "Best & Worst" of 2011" entry, I realized that these year-end posts are hard and I should put more effort into them. Well, I didn't. In fact, I put less effort into this post then I did the 2011 post, and i barely put any effort into that at all (look I didn't even bother to capitalize that "i". Lazy). So here is our half-assed look at the best and worst on 2012.

Also, we're not exactly looking at hip hop in general for 2012. We're mainly looking at this lame blog. So fun.

BEST

2012 BEST RECORD RELEASE
Kreayshawn "Somethin' Bout Kreay"

It's hard to believe that when we came into 2012, none of us had any idea who Kreayshawn is was. Way back in January we tried to guess her identity just based on her name (we failed). Now, I don't have any problem with her gender or her race, but I have a major issue with her shit garbage music and her moronic friends. Anyway, her music is appaling and, as evidence of karma, she was rewarded with EXACTLY THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF ALBUM SALES: 4,000. HAHAH! I don't think we even talked about that on this blog friends, and it the best thing of the year! It's perfect. An idiot sells 4,000 records of bad music.

2012 BEST FIRST RESPONDER
Game "Uncle Otis", "Cough Up A Lung",




I'll spit the same 16 at your eulogy.


2012 BEST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE OF THE YEAR
Cappadonna

It's no secret that none of us around here love voting, or elections, or presidential candidates, or rich people, or the system, or police, or wack rappers. I won't go into it, but we found a fantastic alternative to B.O. Bama and the other guy (who was that again?). CAPPADONNA. Who could be a better president? Answer that. Son wouldn't have even needed a VP. If we could turn back time we would rig the election and get our man in there. You fucks ruined the next four years.



2012 BEST STACK BOYS
$tack Boys (not Stack Boys)



Well, 2012 was the year we met both sets of Stack Boys, and decided which one should win the right to use the name "Stack Boys". Well, the preteens lost to some other teens, giving the $tack Boys the win. Nice job fellas. You still suck, but not as bad as some mallwhore rich kids.

2012 BEST NEW ARTIST
Krispy Kreme (or whatever he changes his name to)




I'm sure I'll regret this at some point. But fuck, kid. This guy released track after track and not only did they sucessfully mock all the shit that is wrong with rap, they're also kind of good. It's kind of genius and kind of annoying. Think about this, this track is at about the same quality as most new shit out there, the rhymes just seem more basic. These words alone locked him in a "best" slot: "haters want to be me". Genius and annoying. Gennoying.

-------------------------------------------------------------

WORST
2012 WORST COUNTRY ON EARTH (TIE)

AUSTRALIA & CANADA

CANADA AND AUSTRALIA FUCKING SUCK AT RAP. I've been in fights on Twitter about this. I've been in fights in person about this. I argued with your mom about this. But I stand by it becasue it's a fact. Plus the only people who disagree are from those awful countries.

The only thing I might add is that not only do these two countries SUCK hard at rapping, their citizens are too stupid to know better. This ensures that they'll never lose the crown of terrible rapper nests. Even to England, which is so close to being in a three way tie with these two heaps of shit.

2012 WORST STATE
WASHINGTON

No surprise here. Almost every time I found an embarassing rap song it was from the garbage disposal state of Washington. "Cram your egg shells in the drain along with the waste water and dinner scrapings and grind that shit to go to the sewer" - That's what I say about Washington. #peeattle #spoklame #holempia
"Pugetsoundia" is a prime example.



Go Ka-Bang like Plow!

Runner(s) up: Idaho, Oregon


2012 WORST PEOPLE (TIE)
SCIENTISTS & COLLEGE PEOPLE

These educated people think they're so smart. Teaching us about medical crap, swearing at us about climate change, and restricting our right to smoke. F U, you're the worst. Don't rap anymore.

2012 WORST COLLABOBlondie "NO EXIT"

People, I know that this song is from 1999, but I heard it for the first time this year and it sucks megahard. I've even heard worse collaboration songs this year (French Montana), but this one is stuffed with people I respect, and I was expecting a lot more.

YOU BLEW IT BLONDIE, MOBB DEEP, INSPECTAH DECK, and U-GOD....YOU LOWERED YOURSELF TO COOLIO'S LEVEL LIKE FIFTEEN YEARS AGO - AND YOU EARNED A SPOT ON THIS LIST.



2012 WORST SIDEKICK / PRODUCER
Leatha Face (Leatha Fase)

This guy singlehandedly ruined the end of 2012 for us with his production work on the Hillside Scramblers nightmare that we've been reviewing. His beats are junk. At least his beats from the early 90's are junk...who knows what he's doing today. Plus, as U-God's right hand man, we've heard way to many of his incompetent rhymes from a decade ago. Hopefully, we won't cross paths as many times with this guy in the one-tre as we did in the one-deuce.


2012 WORST MIXTAPE TITLE
"The Cakeover" by Cako

What a joke.

IN CONCLUSION: That's it! This list should be on the "Wost" side of 2012, no? hatever, I hope your 2013 is more like the Stack Boys and less like the $tack Boys.

2012 SCORE 0/10

Say What? U-God "Hungry"

Sound the horns! It's time to take this blog into uncharted territory and attack the gross secret underbelly of the internet: LYRICS WEBSITES. I'll be the first to tell you that they are the worst. Why? Well, they're all in cahoots (meaning they all have the exact same lyrics). All the lyrics are 60% wrong, not just with spelling but with the words that are rapped being transcribed absolutely wrong. I mean the song will say that someone is "reppin' hard" and the lyrics will say that the guy is "eating toast". Every time. We don't like to post blatantly wrong lyrics on the blog so a lot of time we have to go in and edit them using our own listening skillz, and I'll tell you, it's a mess because it's so hard.

So we picked a short song by U-God ("Hungry") to do a side-by-side comparison. Our lyrics against their lyrics. We'll see how wrong everyone is but us. Kill 'em. Oh, but before we start I have three more points to make about internet lyrics:

-The more popular the song, the better the online lyrics.

-Lyrical transcription is hard, and sometimes there is just no way to tell what someone is saying, in that case we usually make it clear that we don't know with [brackets]. Most lyrics websites just print whatever.

-RapGenuis is sometimes much better than generic lyrics websites for hip hop lyrics. I want to emphasize the "SOMETIMES". Usually the lyrics are exactly the same as everyone else, but when they are not they are usally only 40% wrong.

So here we go. The internet lyrics are from SeekLyrics.com and are on the left in Bold and Black, Suspected errors are underlined ; my version is on the right, in green, and not bold.

THEM | US

SeekLyrics (link) | Tort Team Transcribe

Hungry Lyrics By U-god | "Hungry" lyrics by U-God

I hit the concrete | I hit the concrete,

Show and proove to all the ruff man | show and prove to all the ruff men,

in stove fuse burn it's bomb week | when the slow fuse burn it's bomb week,

Watch when i snug e'm | watch when I snuff 'em

You won't see nutin But the dust | You won't see nothin’ but the dust

when the mightiest to the finest crust | when the mightiest of fighters crush

The blindest the vodka's don't yo | The blindness divides us though, yo.

We rabbit the land unkind | we ravage the land unkind,

it's hard to manage | it's hard to manage

Fbi And the public eye | FBI an’ the public eye,

The rap seems sord of savage | the rap seems sort of savage

but those Live in the math | but those livin' the math,

As doc cash livin fast | is die-cast livin’ fast

Shang fool anger | Shank move anger,

Consealed in ims | concealed in an iron mask

Out the ass of the 36 chamber | Out the ass of the 36 Chamber,

God get a grasp | God, get a grasp

It's rhyme time | It's rhyme time,

Time's is gettin harder | times is getting’ harder,

Damn he spoilled rotten | Damn, he spoiled rotten,

Hot livin colla | hot blended collar

Remember when coke was $18.00 a gram | Remember when coke was eighteen dollars a gram,

Now i was a scholar for sellin bottles | and I was a scholar for sellin’ bottles?

Now im in the high class models | Now I’m into high-class models,

Never to rest | never to rest

Material's his eyes On fire on my chest | Material desires, on fire on my chest,

Stress full throttle | Stress full throttle

Russian's still place yard | Rushin’ still, place in the yard,

testin my strengh | testin’ my strength

Fuck you with my motto "huff" | 'Fuck you' is my motto, [huff]

Here why ??????? for survivel | Any arrival I strive for survival,

i monster truck you | I monster truck you

Buck you some more | Buck you some more,

You be stuck to the wall | You be stuck to the wall

with a big fuck you fuck you | with a big 'fuck you, fuck you'

In the search continue | And the search continue

I build to fill my cup | I build 'em and fill my cup

For peace of american life | for a peace of American life

I don't really give a fuck | I don't really give a fuck.

I don't wanna die | I don't wanna die

i don't wanna go | I don't want to go,

I wan't total knowledge | I want untold knowledge

i don't wanna be hold | I don't wanna be old,

left in the cold | left in the cold

pickin up Our garbage | pickin’ out the garbage

My lung's are grungy | My lungs are grungy,

die harder four course | die harder for a cause

swash by diction | squashed by a diction

in the graph man | an’ then they grabbed him an’

lord’s hungry | lord was hungry

IN CONCLUSION: Well that was dumb. And what a waste of time. So I think the bottom line is that nobody understands the lyrics of the songs they love...or the songs they have to research for a dumb blog like this one. I QUIT!

Internet Lyrics Score 0/10

Yo! That's Your Theme Song: Portlandia

This image is relevant...just wait.

Sometimes life takes a strange turn and surprises you with something that you don’t expect. For me that strange turn involved the genuinely funny IFC show Portlandia and the surprise was how the theme song of the show, Feel It All Around by Washed Out, got deeply embedded in my head and continues to be lodged in there like some sort of unmovable stone. I like the song a lot, but at the same time I hate the song because I can’t understand what they’re singing about and when I hear it playing in my head all day and night I just have an impression of the music, not the actual music, the song is just too much like what you hear when you get the gas at the dentist…it's spaced out music. In my head it’s just irritating moaning, but I still love the song even though it's not hip hop. I also love the show.

“Yo! This ain’t got nothing to do with hip hop” – You.

Hold on a minute, friend. Last night I looked up this song on YouTube to try to get it out of my head by listening to it a lot of times. You know, like quitting smoking by smoking a whole pack and getting sick. Well, it didn’t work; the song is still up there. Anyway, guess what I found: a hip hop version of the song! For one thing: oh brother, and for another thing, I didn’t listen to it. I had to hear the original again and again (I’ve got a problem). So today I’m going to go ahead and review the hip hop version. Fun? No way, but what else do you have going on? A rim job*?
*I don't know what that is, so we'll say that I meant that it has something to do with cars.

I would guess that Portland, Oregon is not an incubator for dope authentic hip hop. I mean I’ve heard hip hop from Seattle, and that’s close to Oregon, but I hope this isn’t as bad as that. But on the other hand I’ve also been surprised by great hip hop coming out of weird states like North Carolina and Kentucky, so this might have a chance.

Enough talk, let’s do this thing.

Let’s start with the fantastic and non-hip hop original track: Washed Up’s Feel It All Around, but let me warn you: this song is very dangerous and will get stuck in your head and ruin your life.

Oh man that is too good. Beard! Real whispy!

"Weeee feeeeeel it allllll arooooonnnnnnnd daaaahhhhhh saaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

you'lllllllllllllll knnnnnnooooow it's juuuuuuuuuusss aaahhhhh noooooooo aahhhhh naaaaaaaaayy-aaahhhhhhhhh"

 Now for the hip hop rap version:

HIT THE BREAKS! That song WAS FROM WASHINGTON! DAMMIT. Wha? WHAT? It wasn't a Portland song?  If I had known that I wouldn't have listend to it. We already knew that Washington sucks a rap, so this whole song sucking shouldn't be a surprise.

Otherwise, that was exactly what I expected. OK anTONE? Who are you and why are you here? I noticed your song is called "Puget Soundia", so...anTONE is clearly an idIOT. "idIotia"? What did you say when you watched the show "Portlandia", anTONE? 

"This show is about Oregon and even though that's an entirely different state than Washington, AND even though the two states probably some kind of dumb rivalry I'll go ahead and use that clearly non-rap beat and make terrible lyrics over it about the Puget Sound. Oregon is close enough to Seattle for me."

You know what anTONE? Two things: 1. From now on I'm not spelling "Antone" like a dumbass and 2. Find a fucking beat that somehow represents your city and quit acting like an idiot. "Puget Soundia" is the DUMBEST song title ever in the history of the Earth. It stinks. "You're fired!" - Donald Trump to you. The Puget Sound SUCKS ANYWAY, I learned that from these two dunces.

ANTONE IS A DUMBASS, 206!

As for your lyrics? They suck. Here are the hashtags I would assign to your lyrics:

#fifthgrade #cowardly #lame #lol #weak #biter #poser #fronting #unoriginal #getalife

Let's just skip to the last line of the song so you know what kind of guy we're dealing with:

"If you like what you hear then turn this fucking jam up"

Okay, that's a normal line, but YOU SPIT IT WHEN THE SONG IS FADING OUT. How can we turn it up Antone? The song is over when you say that. You're over. GOOD GRIEF.

Done.com...you're done. What a joke. And why do Seattle rappers talk so much about getting signed? You won't get signed because you SUCK and your state is getting a really bad rap reputation. A bad raputation. Quit talking about it, focus on the raps and quit using profanity just to use it (like a kid), SAY SOMETHING YOU LOW LIFE.

So let's review: Antone sucks at lyrics, Antone sucks at picking beats. Portlandia is a funny show.

Also, WASHINGTON STATE HAS SOLIDIFIED IT'S POSITION AS THE WORST STATE IN AMERICA AT RAPPING AND WYOMING IS A STATE.

Feel It All Around Score 10/10

Portlandia Score 10/10
Puget Soundia Score 0/10

And another hip hop song on this beat...stop it, please. At least this one is actually from Oregon, but that doesn't make it okay. Okay? Okay, I'm guessing that this isn't bad by local Oregon standards, but by big tyme international standards this is shit. It's like rich people rapping about their college. Sustainable hip hop? GOOD GRIEF? Rythmic drip drop? GOODER GRIEF. #eattherich. #sinkoregon. #WAhastheworstrappers

Uh, I guess there is also a whole Portlandia mixtape...we'll have to get to that later. A lot later. We're not that motivated. At least that song is kind of out of my head now.

Don't let these rappers discourage you Fred & Carrie! Keep on joking and picking good theme songs.