What You Need: Biz Markie "A One Two"

All of the staff of this blog want to make sure that we're giving mad respect to the legend Biz Markie. If you ain't know, let me introduce you. This is genius on so many levels. Consider yourself schooled:


BIZ MARKIE - A One, Two by KSOSA

Now your in the house with knowledge.

A ONE TWO SCORE 10/10

SALUTE

Dapper Dan: Where Do U Stand?

Fashion Time!


"Not a Dapper Dan fan, I stay casual
To rock like the J it comes gradual"Brand Nubian "All For One"


"Still play the back in my thundergear down to my underwear
Make all you motherfuckers wonder where
I come from, 'cause motherfuck Dapper Dan
I'm a gun clappa fan plus I run rappers stand"
- Strang Wondah "Leflaur Leflah Eshkoshka"


"There was a brother uptown makin his own spot
Makin Gucci, leather and suede tailor made
That had more flavor than mom's Kool-Aid
I'm gonna tell you, the name of this man
He goes by the name of the Dapper Dan"
- Biz Markie "Throw Back"


I guess that I don't need ot do a "who's Dapper Dan" intro since Biz sums it all up pretty well in that rap.To be clear Dapper Dan was a guy who owned a high end custom cloting shop in Harlem. He basically set hip hop fashion around 1990. You've seen his work all over the place in the old school. Check it out...

You get the idea.

The thing is that Dapper Dan technically sampled brands, and I don't mean he tried them, I mean he straight jacked their logos and used them however he wanted. He put a Nike logo on a jacket, made some money, and gave Nike nothing. That's pure hip hop.

Ya got took, Nike.

IN CONCLUSION: I don't know what this post was about. I just like the line from OGC. These clothes look werid. Word. Plus, the B-Side of that Salt-N-Pepa album is a song called "Spinderella's Not A Fella" what in the HELL is that about? Were there questions? Was there doubt? I guess we'll save that for another post.

DAPPER DAN TRENDSETTER SCORE 10/10

1 YEAR OLD AND STILL BETTER THAN EVER

WELL, WELL, WELL suckers. We've made it one whole year...and what have we done? Another year over, a new one's just begun! That's right fans, this version of the Tortoise General Blog has been around for a whole year! What a great year it's been? So fun. So many major milestones and internet awards. Plenty of well researched and cleverly written articles. Not many mispellings or grammer mistakes! Too much profanity! And, most importantly, a S load of hip hop. CHURCH! So let’s do this big and have a YEAR IN SUMMARY!

 

A TORT TEAM CLASSIC

Let's start with the good things:

Well, for one thing we cut costs; we sent a lot of jobs overseas and reduced our workforce. We were also able to cut benefits for almost everyone (not management, doy) and shift a lot of full-time employees to part time! Why? To save money! We now have a lot of extra cash on hand to improve the quality of our blogging and also to give more $$$ to our rich investors! Business leaders need all the money to make jobs and make the economy happen. We’re glad to play our part by running this operation bare bones and AWSOME.

So, what jobs did we improvesource to overseas, you ask? Accounting, marketing, editing, IT, web design, graphic design, our proofreader, and research. So, as much as we could! But our company is still great and even better than ever. We’re young and LOOKING GREAT! Our accounting is sharp, our IT is brilliant, and our research is as good as Rakim when he worked with DJ Jazzy Jeff during his Philly days, which was the best.

We have also reviewed a shit ton of good and bad hip hop and that’s really what we’re here for besides venting anger on fake ass MCs.

Wow! What a Year. #CLASSIC

Now for the bad things:

We took a few reviews down because our words were so toxic and mean that the subjects (and even some non-subjects) angrily contacted us and threatened us with legal action! Yikes! So, of course, we backed down and took back everything we said. We don't want to step on any toes and we don’t want investigators lurking around our offices!

We also made a few legitimate big name MC's angry with our dumb jokes. A few people who I have respected for years got at me after we published something dumb about them. Two of these guys were MCs from the Wu Tang Clan (and surprisingly, not U-God). That hurt, and made us all rethink our work, but then we got over it and wrote up something else stupid and even meaner. That’s what we do: irreverence.

We, uh, also learned a lot this year! Wow, I’m really having trouble thinking of things to talk about here. Whatever, so, what have we learned, I guess? Hip Hop from every country but America stinks. Some of the Caribbean islands are good and some of Mexico is good. But, most American hip hop stinks.

Washington State is by far the worst, but Missouri and Idaho are also terrible at hip hop. I'm not saying that these states are hopeless, but I am saying that if a good song ever came out of one of these states, I would be shocked. And don't think you're off the hook, every other state, I see you, I know you have rappers, but I haven't got to you yet. I doubt that your hip hop is up to par anyway, so calm down. That list of terrible states will be lengthened.

Neat stuff. So clever.

WHAT'S IN THE FUTURE: More of the exact same. Ruin, chaos, misspellings, disrespect, hatin' wack shit, you know, interesting stuff.

IN CONCLUSION:  If you read all of that, you’re really hard up for something to do. So maybe just enjoy some Biz Markie. He’s the best.






THE TORTOISE GENERAL BLOG FIRST YEAR SCORE 0/10

What You Need: Biz Markie with Roxanne Shanté Live

Time for your medicine, jackwagon.




Everybody's in the house, I wish that this was an hour longer.

Score 10/10

What You Need: Biz Markie

I'm not even going to say anything...



If you don't know about Biz then you need to smarten up.

Biz Markie Score 10/10