Macklemore vs. Chief Keef

I'm the shit! At least that's what my neck say.
Least that's what my blog say.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Stick 'em up. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

I know it's spelled "clique", but Hahah. LULZ! Wacky Wednesday. Speaking of click, let's do a RAP BATTLE today, but let's make it tremendously unfair just for fun:

CHIEF KEEF a/k/a Mr. Violent 

vs.

Macklemore a/k/a the worst rapper out of the worst state

Now, let me start out by saying that both of these rappers are pretty bad. Mr. Keef is generally a bad person and his music lacks substance #300 (that's the percent that I don't like Keef, 300%). Macklemore is a jackass who makes stupid music that sucks #npr. 

So let's meet our competitors:

haha posertown

Name: Macklemore
Alias: Professor Macklemore (lol)
Representing: Peattle, Washington
Prediction: Instant Death
The Rich preteen's choice

Say Cheese

Name: Cheif Keef
Alias: Sosa?
Representing: Chicago
Prediction: Easy Win

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So here we go. Let's start with the victim, Macklemore, who is soon to be murdered by Chicago's "finest". And since I hate him and don't know any of his songs we'll just pick one at random...



A hahahahah! A lousy sentimental song about a city that everyone thinks is a cesspool of meth addicts and (now) bad rappers.

#1 This is a love letter to bad rappers. A LOVE letter, son.

#2 It's so bad that it must be intentional

The beat is so fucking generic. Saccharine beats 101. Plus Macklemore's delivery is subtle and halted, like he's saying something important. Yearning. Yo, son, you're talking bullshit. Maaaaad bullshit. So wack. Your "mountain" is a shit pile and so are the "historic" Washington rappers you cherish (except for Sir Mix-a- Lot). 

"Hi. Let's pull people's heartstrings with a song about Seattle" - Macklemore.
"But nobody's ever heard of anyone you're rapping about"- his doofus sidekick

"EVERY TIME SOMEBODY STEPS OUT ON THE ROAD

THEY BRING A LITTLE NORTHWEST SOUL WITH THEM AMEN"

What a good rap line? I wish that Washington people would just stay in their awful state. Keep your soul and your lame lines in your area, amen. #peeattle.

"THEY'RE TRYING TO SHUT DOWN THE CLUBS THAT MY CITY ROCKS

NOW MR. MAYOR, WHY WOULD YOU ENFORCE AN ORDINANCE?

MUSIC IT SAVES LIVES, THESE KIDS OUT HERE ARE SUPPORTING IT"

Good goof. How is this rap? It's a mouth full of clam bait, I reckon.

The mayor is supporting the ordinance because he's trying to prevent the youth of Seattle from being exposed to trash music. He wants to save them. Also, fuck you for using the word "ordinance" in a rap, you entitled sewer rat poser. Did you scoop that $20 word out of the golden chalice with the silver spoon which you were born with? YES.

WE'VE LEARNED THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNITY

WTF kind of weak ass slap rapper says shit like this? I'm baffled by this garbage. BAFFLED! I mean, I understand that this music is aimed at the upper crust, but holy shit, nobody says shit like that unless they come from privilege and they want other people to write them campaign contribution checks. Hey, Macklemore, you stupid fuck, are you running for office? Mayor of your horrible city? You'll suck at that job too. Walk around looking like a doof noob talking about how you care about the kids. I hope you get that job and then that stupid volcano finishes what it started and cleanses the land. Yes, I want it to erupt and then a lava pool flows 200 miles and takes care of your nightmare city. Wipe that shit off the map. Speaking of volcanoes, having a few in your state would normally be something cool, but just like everything else out of the Pacific Northwest, your volcanoes are weak. Weakattle. 

And fuck, the video (once again) is full of a variety of people rapping the lines, just to show how diverse Mackelmore is. Dumb shit. 

A sappy video, and a sappy song, both filled to the teeth with cliches, just like how Macklemore is filled with wackness (to the teeth). This song is an insult to hip hop, music, and people in general, just like Macklemore. Folks, all Chief Keef has to do is show up to beat this guy.

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Let's see how Mr. Keef represents his town...



Oh my. We were right about that: KEEF WINS. It's funny because this song sucks too, but it's way better than that Washington shit. The beat is silly. It's so typical. If Macklemore came syrupy, Keef comes boring.

O B for Life? Why not. At least Mr. Keef is trying. Can you say that Macklemore? No. Macklemore is proud of Sewerattle, Keef is proud of O'Block (whatever the hell that is). Both love their hometown, so what's the difference. Keef brings the noise and threatens everyone, Craplemore talks about respect and love.

Craplemore:

Memory Lane, Grandma's favorite street. Also: ACTING.

Chief Keef:

Not sappy.

Honestly, how could anyone prefer Mackrelmore over Keef on this one? Keef, who should never really win anything, is the clear winner. Any thinking man would make that call. Let's break it down, Keefs win is:

Objectively correct
Subjectively correct
Morally correct
Logically correctly
Scientifically accurate
Righteous
Sensable

And most importantly HONEST, something that macklemort has never been.

In Conclusion: Fuck Macklemore and fuck Washington 4 life. Audio of a toilet flushing would have won this battle.
MACKLEMORE MY TOWN SCORE 0/10 (I wish I could go lower than 0)
CHIEF KEEF O'BLOCK 4 LIFE SCORE 1/10

Macklemore Something Something: Breaking News

oh boy

YO HO HO! Are there any ladies in the place? HEY LADIES?!?!! I have some terrible news? I guess. Rapper Macklemore is engaged! Cross him off your date-night list, return the date dress to Dress Barn, call Red Lobster and cancel the reservation. Hold on, just let this sink in: MACKLEMORE IS ENGAGED TO GET MARRIED. Also, who in the fuck is Macklemore? Who knows. Let's check the story:

Ben 'Macklemore' Haggerty - Rapper Macklemore Is Engaged
30 January 2013

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Rapper Ben 'macklemore' Haggerty is engaged.

The 29 year old proposed to his longtime girlfriend Tricia Davis on 21 January (13) and now the couple is set to wed. The hip-hop star tells People magazine, "I just proposed to my girlfriend, and she said yes. We scaled down a mountain. I got down on one knee and told her how much I loved her. It was really beautiful." The news caps off an exciting month for the musician - his collaboration with producer Ryan Lewis, Thrift Shop, ended Bruno Mars' six-week reign at the top of the U.S. pop charts last week (begs21Jan13), and Haggerty admits he's beyond shocked by the track's success. He adds, "I thought it would be a niche song, but now it's No. 1 in the country, which is weird to say out loud!"

OH. That fucking Thrift Store guy. That song is not hip hop and it is also the worst. FUCK HIM.  I hate that song. It came up on my Pandora rotation once but I was wearing gloves so I listened to it all the way through. But if I hadn't been wearing gloves I would have hit dislike so hard that my iPod would have broke in fucking half. What a piece of shit #1 pop song. Fucking garbage. Swill. Don't believe me? Check it out:




Plus here's another fact: this piece of shit is from Seattle. Big surprise. The outhouse of America, Peeattle, vomits another lame ass rapper on to the internet. Washington state is the worst at rap and the worst state in the country. We officially named it the worst state of the year for 2012, and I think it'll sweep 2013 too. Think about that. It's worse at rap than Montana, Idaho, and fucking Oregon. OREGON! I didn't think that anyone could be worse at anything than Oregon, yet here we have it.

WASHINGTON STATE, STILL THE WORST, SCREWS UP AGAIN

So do I gave a problem with Thrift Stores? No. I wouldn't go in one unless they sold music but I don't generally have a problem with them.

Do I have a problem with dressing like an idiot and bragging about it for four minutes on a wacky slappy beat? BINGO ASSHOLE. Listen, I hate songs about clothes, but this song is only a little about clothes and a lot about shopping. I would rather eat nickles than go shopping. And fucking bragging about it. Are you kidding me? I want to think that this is a novelty song, but it's not. It's a pop song, from the heart, about shopping for trash. Plus the video is full of little jokes and winks. Look at this, a kid. Look at this, someone is obese. All the races come together with Macklemore over his music. Macklemore is universal and so fun. This is the state of rap today. So sad. Peeattle indeed.

Getting swindled and pimped? Oh, people who buy regular (non-soiled) clothes are idiots now? You can't win with this guy. This song is fucking terrible. Is thrifting something rich people do? I don't know. I hope I never hear another word from Macklemore in my life. And I sure as shit hope that the next time a Macklemore song comes up on my iPod I'm able to take off my glove and press "DISLIKE".

IN CONCLUSION: Washington state is still permanently the worst. Macklemore is the worst (and the hair...I didn't even talk about that poser shit). And this song is a nightmare.

THRIFT STORE SCORE 0/10

WAIT! I wasn't even reviewing that piece of shit song! I was reporting that Macklemree is engaged. I hope his wife realizes that he is an embarrassment to rap and makes him quit. Please quit Macklemrere. Nobody wants to hear your garbage. Please quit. Think of your future wife. Think of your family. They don't need the burden of your fecal music weighing them down forever.

P.S. Here is another decent article by Brandon Soderberg at Spin which says everything I tried to say here only better. Check, check it:

"He is, in the hierarchy of people poring over cheap-ass clothes in the Goodwill, only slightly above jerks who go there for Halloween outfits. At the top of this hierarchy, of course, are people who don't have enough money to buy new clothes."

UPDATE!!!!

DONE SON