Who wouldn't like this: A WAR! Better yet: an international war! Even better yet: a hip hop war! U.S.A. versus Sweden. Stars and Stripes versus whatever they have (which is nothing!)! WE WIN. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! WE WIN! Or do we? Yes, this is a hip hop battle, so we should have this in the bag. Sweden is being represented by some weird homeless guys called Looptroop Rockers (LOooOL). BUT, Ol' Glory is being represented by Puff Daddy...In a hip hop battle. Not as happy now are ya?
"But" you say, "Surely Puffy can beat some homeless Swedish at rapping!" Can he? Well, he might have two advantages. The first is that we are not concerned with album content, just album covers! The second is that Puffy has tons of money and can hire the best artists imaginable to take his picture. But Swedish homeless are genuinely hungry, and they aren't as concerned with style, they just want food. They've crafted their techniques on years of begging. So yep, I think we're doomed (probably). Glup. Let's meet our contestants:
First: the man responsible for saying "yeah" and "uh-huh" continuously behind most tracks by the greatest rapper of all time, the Notorious BIG: Puff Daddy!
ROUND 1: Looptroop Rockers "Modern Day City Symphony" vs Puff Daddy "No Way Out"
I've got to give this one to the Looptroops! I know their cover is mostly red and just has an escalator in an abondonded city, but it looks European or something. But Puff's cover really sucks (and always has). It's embarrassing, I mean was it supposed to look like it was printed on a paper bag? Who are those dudes with Puffy? Did they come from a funeral? I don't know. The writing is really fancy but the picture is pitiful. Hey Diddy, fire your art director and let's move on to round two. Rally. Rally. Win win win.
ROUND 2: Puff Daddy "Forever" vs Looptroop Rockers "The Struggle Continues"
This one isn't so easy, is it. Both covers are just appalling. The Looptroops have horrifing people (-100) over a city (+20) with some cool fonts and colors (+20) and tagged jeans (+5). Puffy has, well, a lot of Puffy (-200). Also, a lot of white background, a lot of beanbag, and a lot of arms. We lose again. Another landslide for Sweden. Okay, it's now or never Diddy.
ROUND 3: Looptroop Rockers "Fort Europa" vs Puff Daddy "The Saga Continues..."
Look at Looptroop's cover, anything could beat that. It looks terrible. Nonsense all around: zoo animals, table tennis, rainbows, missles, rocks or something, birds, and a giant gun. Holy cow, they basically handed this one to Puff. Okay Diddy, bring your 'A' game to these Swedish homeless. Wait, what's that? Your just going with black. Okay, classy, kind of. Kind of like Metallica. Oh, and you want to add white lettering. Are you kidding? Did you give up? You feel like you already lost so you're not trying. Well thanks a lot, you just gave them another point. YOU'RE BEING BEAT BY EUROPEAN HOMELESS. ABBA came from there, you have the advantage of working with one of the best rappers in history. Listen, at least pull it together and score one point. Next time America will reign. Oh wait, you won this one Diddy. Just barely and by default, becasue anything could have beat that rainbow junk.
ROUND 4: Puff Daddy "We Invented the Remix" vs Looptroop Rockers "Good Things"
Finally, the 'A' game. Well, more like the 'C' game (or worse), but we'll take it. Puff your cover is stupid, but not terrible. It's better than most other rap covers. In fact, it's your best one yet. I'm glad to see that you're taking this seriously. Now, let's see what those Looptroop goons have...uh oh. It appears that Looptroop has stepped it up as well and delivered a really good cover. Their best so far. So its best versus best. Who will win? Looptroop. The panel has spoken. It came down to beards, and that one guy could hide his beard in his sleeve. He looks ready to rock the show / throw a brick through a window. Diddy, you look like you are peeking under something or just vomited. So going into the final round it's 3/1 Looptroop. Let's finish strong America.
Final Round: Looptroop Rockers "Professional Dreamers" vs Puff Daddy "Press Play"
I understand that "finish strong" could either mean "do your best" or "phone it in", I see both groups went with the phone it in approach. The Looptroopers cover brings us back to the days of that other cover that anything could beat. Puff brings us back to the days of that all white cover that anything could beat. It's a tie for worst. Actually, Diddy wins for some reason. I hate both covers.
LOOPTROOP ROCKERS: 3
PUFF DADDY: 2
LOOPTROOP ROCKERS WIN!
SWEDEN! SWEDEN! SWEDEN! Carl XVI Gustaf!
Boy, what a let down. Was there ever any doubt that Puffy would let us down? He's made a career out of let downs. I still love the U.S.A. and all, but sometimes we all get humbled. Thanks a lot Puffy, you BLEW IT! (that's an angry exclamation point, and so are these: !!!!!)
U.S.A. Score: 0/10 thanks to P. Diddy