Check the Bio, Son: Birdman

Check the Bio, Son: Birdman

--Official Stats--
Artist: Birdman
Item: "Bio" portion of official website

Aliases: B-32 Baby Birdman

Affiliations: Cash Money Records, Big Tymers, Lil Wayne

Estimated Net Worth: $100 Million (Forbes)

Okay, so Birdman right?  What’s up with this guy?  For one, he’s the fourth wealthiest rapper!  Second, he’s got an oil pumpjack tattooed on the side of his head because he owns (owned) a failed oil exploration company. Business! Also, WTFFFFF?  I'm going to be as unbiased as I can be, but I hate Birdman. I mean, how is he famous? How did he do what he did and make a ton of money? Like Jay-Z levels? I guess that's what bio's are for, to find out things. Well, let's see: he co-founded Cash Money Records and was somehow nominated for a Grammy. If you count his work with the Big Tymers, he has sold more albums than all of your favorite artists combined forever. So he is just the best. But what do I really know about him? Nothing. So following my tradition of learning about a rapper by looking at their official bio I have decided to learn about Birdman that way. I’m sure his bio will be down to earth and charming, like my review. Why wouldn’t they be? We're all adults here (even though one of us tattooed an oil rig on his head (not me)).

OKAY! Well, Honestly I’m one word into the bio and I’m not happy. Why? He calls himself “5* Stunna”. That’s an alias I'm sure, and that’s fine, but still it could be a description as well. It's like if I started calling myself ultrasurpriser (just an example). So, B-32, what if a “6* Stunna” came along? Or even a “10* Stunna”? That would be a problem right? Didn't think that one through did ya B-32? Or maybe you did, I mean I've never met anyone with a "*" in thier name so we'll call this a draw. Now, let’s check out the (long) first paragraph:

With all of his elaborate possessions - from jewels to cars and homes; his cash money making ventures- from music to videogames to shoes and clothing; Bryan "Birdman aka Baby" Williams is poised to continue shining in everything he does. The New Orleans bred, Miami loving and living, artist slash entrepreneur, has spent over a decade perfecting his hustle and adjusting his swagger to the beat of his own drum. The mega-house that Birdman helped to build, alongside his brother Ronald "Slim" Williams, is known to legions of fans as Cash Money. As they celebrate the tenth anniversary of the 45 million selling, gold and platinum plaque adorning, Cash Money Empire and reputation, the man with many nicknames unleashes his third solo effort, 5* Stunna, to hip-hop fans everywhere. "My nicknames went with the time I put in with my music. Five star stunna, that's me doing me, just Bryan Williams, the stunna man."

Well, it just continues to bother me because I have a problem with the next twelve words as well: “With all of his elaborate possessions - from jewels to cars and homes”.  Seriously, that’s how to start a bio.  Brag about how rich you are! We NEED to know. Do you have “elaborate possessions”? YES. Good I can respect you now. But wait, do you have jewels? YES. Okay.  I’m officially a fan. I have a car (singular), I have a house (rental), but I don’t have jewels. We're different, but similar (I can’t afford jewels). Maybe if I perfected my hustle and adjusted my swagger to the beat of my own drum I could afford some jewels. Oh, and I love that he built a “mega-house” instead of just a “house” or “label”. Mega-Awesome. I am 5* Stunnaed. Now wait, I’ve noticed another problem. The end of that paragraph starts promoting Birdman’s “third solo effort, 5* Stunna, an album that came out over four years ago. Uh-oh, outdated bio alert! Since this bio was written Birdman has dropped the following albums: 5* Stunna (lool), Pricele$$ (loool), and Bigger Than Life (soon I guess). So, time to update that bio, B-32 Baby (his actual nickname)!

Evidence of Success

Well, the biopromotion continues, but not before Birdman dips into another rap cliché: hard times: “Having suffered loss and persevered to regain himself, Birdman spent the past two years performing with Cash Money signature superstar Lil Wayne.” So that really turns a negative into a positive doesn't it? He went from some generic “loss” to great success in one sentence. So, Lil Wayne right? Streets is talking. We get to see what Birdman thinks are the highlights of this relationship: a pairing called “Like Father, Like Son” and a “wildly successful single” called Stuntin’ Like My Daddy. Whaaaat? I mean, WHAAAAT! They are not actually related and it is weird to call someone dad who isn’t your dad. Am I right? And also, shouldn’t it be “5* Stunnin’ Like My Daddy”? I don’t know.

I get it. You’re saying, “Dag don’t understand the southern culture or rap at all”. And you know what? You’re right: I don’t understand any of this. For example, the next line starts talking about something like “my nickames went with the time I put in with my music. Five star stunna, that's me doing me” What? I don't understand. Help me.

So now we get to learn a bit more about our avian hero:

In his music as in life, Birdman injects himself fully into the mix at an aggressive, accelerated rate. "When I do an album I want it to be me, my personality, my character, what I love, what I live for and I think in my music, that's what I bring across," explains the high ranking influential. "I'm into cars, nice beautiful things, and I think on this album, I brought you along into my personal life. I went into more depth about the things I've been through and our life experiences."

Yep, he calls himself a “high ranking influential”, that sounds important. Once again we have “cars, nice beautiful things”, the trappings of wealth (I’m sure we can all relate, right?). I’m guessing he’s talking about his upcoming 2007 album, because he says “I went into more depth about the things I've been through and our life experiences." Sure. Nice quote.

Back to the promotion:

The first single and video from 5* Stunna, "Pop Bottles" featuring Lil Wayne, sounds like classic Cash Money. Reminiscent of the archives from the CM vault, time spent with the Hot Boyz and Big Tymers, the speeded up synthesizer that pounces like a southern bounce record, yet creeps in on the low, is contemporary, five-star quality. When Birdman and Wayne crafted the lyrics for the track, they were doing what they do, toasting their recent success 'poppin' bottles.'

Pop Bottles indeed. “Speeded up synthesizer that pounces like a southern bounce record” does sound like classic Cash Money. Just timeless. 5* quality. Do what you do. Pop those bottles, you earned it fellas. Confession time: even thought 5* Stunna has been out for years and sold like crazy, I haven’t heard it (which is why I’m the worst reviewer on earth). Anyway, no need to hear it because it is summarized here:

5* Stunna carefully weaves a cautionary tale not only from the perspective of its official G, but also from the perspective of the old man narrator from the Like Father, Like Son album. As the Italian wise guy walks with Birdman intermittently throughout his five star excursions, he drops gems along the way about the game, loyalty and family business. "I wanted that input from him, like I was just going to see the old man to get the blessing."

That sounds good!  I love when “old man narrator” joins an "Official G" for "5* excursions".  I need to know about loyalty and family business. I love how Birdman made up "old man narrator" and then sought his blessing, I hope he got it otherwise he might lose a star, and everybody knows that 4* Stunnas don’t pop bottles ever.

Whooooaaaaa this is a long bio and bio review.  Intermission.

So now we’re on to the next single from the album:100 Million, which (honestly) represents Birdmans proudest accomplishement: spending $100 Million! Big Tymer! Money ain’t a thang!  Now, if you haven’t heard this song (I have not) then you might want to check out “the new Cash Money, coupled with the vibe and beauty of Miami” in a song. That’s good. But DJ Khaled providing the ad libs over an airy track? That’s 5*, baby.  We are learning so much about Birdman aren’t we? This is just like Harry Truman’s biography!  American success stories! Braggadocio and whatevers!

I may have spoke sarcastically to soon, because the next paragraph actually lists some of Birdman’s character attributes:

Birdman wears his confidence like a five star general wears his medal of honor. Between swank talk – "I'm A Stunna" and "Believe Dat" featuring Lil Wayne; preparedness – "Fully Loaded" ; work ethic – "Grind" featuring Lil Wayne and Cash Money newcomer Brisco; passing the torch – "I Run This" featuring Lil Wayne and power play takeover techniques – "Make Way" featuring Lil Wayne and Fat Joe,

So we’ve got the 5* General comparison (apt), and his strongest personality traits: confidence (obviously), swank talk (necessary), preparedness, work ethic, passing the torch, and “power play takeover techniques”.  Me: “Impressive. You’re hired, B-32 Baby, here is your cubicle. Wait, what’s that? You say you’re already a legend with the stuntin, the jewelry, cars, Cash Money, and Hot Boys…but you can’t take the job?  Because you need to ‘re-do’ things? Oh, that really is too bad.  We could use a stunna like you (sad face).”

And it goes on.  Birdman loves tattoos and uses utilizes them to “heal beyond the suffering”.  Yep, 100 Million dollar, 5* suffering. What a jerk, I…oh, wait, he’s talking about Hurricane Katrina. That is real suffering for a lot of people. I'm the jerk. Katrina was terrible. Birdman is practicing real talk, and he wrote a song called Love My Hood to help.  Good for everyone (I guess everyone needs to heal somehow). “What it's like for the Birdman is a constant grind with him at the helm of his ship and in control of it all.”  My heart goes out to Birdman on that (also, WTF).

The CEO of BP? Nope. That's just Birdman, you can tell by the "5*G".

Now we have a paragraph about shoes.  A “wildly successful Birdman Shoe Collection” with Lugz in 2008 (lol).

And finally, two paragraphs left.  FINALLY.  We read about Baby’s “game face”, “focus”, “laser-like precision”.  Some inspirational quotes “blah, blah, keep walking”. Boring.

Last paragraph: Birdman has an “open-mind and a hustle mentality”, a 5* Stunna way of life that works to keep Cash Money a “valuable commodity” and, finally, we have Birdman describe his legacy: "we won't stop, slow down or change. We're about to get bigger and better. And that's how real 5 G puts in the work."  Word.  5 G.  G* Stunna. Great Bio. The Best Bio?  5* Bio.

The oil thing is gone.  Now he's got the 5*'s on his head like a 5* crown.

Now for some thoughs on that whole "we won't...change" legacy...

“Whosoever desires constant success must change his conduct with the times." — Niccolo Machiavelli (6* Stunna)

"It is a bad plan that admits of no modification." — Publilius Syrus (Not a Stunna)

"Change is the law of life and those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future." —John F. Kennedy (4* Stunna)

So that was a lot of out of date promotion and a lot of bragging.  But it was also introspective and confusing and amazing.  You win B-32. Take your billion dollars and live the good life.

Required name dropping: Lil Wayne (of course), Ronald "Slim" Williams, Cool & Dre, DJ Khaled, Young Jeezy, Rick Ross, Brisco, Fat Joe.

BIO SCORE: 5*/10

The full text of the original bio:

5* Stunna
With all of his elaborate possessions - from jewels to cars and homes; his cash money making ventures- from music to videogames to shoes and clothing; Bryan "Birdman aka Baby" Williams is poised to continue shining in everything he does. The New Orleans bred, Miami loving and living, artist slash entrepreneur, has spent over a decade perfecting his hustle and adjusting his swagger to the beat of his own drum. The mega-house that Birdman helped to build, alongside his brother Ronald "Slim" Williams, is known to legions of fans as Cash Money. As they celebrate the tenth anniversary of the 45 million selling, gold and platinum plaque adorning, Cash Money Empire and reputation, the man with many nicknames unleashes his third solo effort, 5* Stunna, to hip-hop fans everywhere. "My nicknames went with the time I put in with my music. Five star stunna, that's me doing me, just Bryan Williams, the stunna man."

In preparation for his latest release, the Cash Money co-founder, CEO and platinum-plus star has kept busy. Having suffered loss and persevered to regain himself, Birdman spent the past two years performing with Cash Money signature superstar Lil Wayne. Fresh from their pairing Like Father, Like Son and the wildly successful single "Stuntin' Like My Daddy," Birdman is clear on whom he represents "we do our music for the people," and the people kindly acknowledge him in return.

In his music as in life, Birdman injects himself fully into the mix at an aggressive, accelerated rate. "When I do an album I want it to be me, my personality, my character, what I love, what I live for and I think in my music, that's what I bring across," explains the high ranking influential. "I'm into cars, nice beautiful things, and I think on this album, I brought you along into my personal life. I went into more depth about the things I've been through and our life experiences."

The first single and video from 5* Stunna, "Pop Bottles" featuring Lil Wayne, sounds like classic Cash Money. Reminiscent of the archives from the CM vault, time spent with the Hot Boyz and Big Tymers, the speeded up synthesizer that pounces like a southern bounce record, yet creeps in on the low, is contemporary, five-star quality. When Birdman and Wayne crafted the lyrics for the track, they were doing what they do, toasting their recent success 'poppin' bottles.'

5* Stunna carefully weaves a cautionary tale not only from the perspective of its official G, but also from the perspective of the old man narrator from the Like Father, Like Son album. As the Italian wise guy walks with Birdman intermittently throughout his five star excursions, he drops gems along the way about the game, loyalty and family business. "I wanted that input from him, like I was just going to see the old man to get the blessing."
One of the blessings Birdman received was a star studded collaboration with the Cool & Dre produced second single and video, "100 Million." Representing the new Cash Money, coupled with the vibe and beauty of Miami, DJ Khaled provides the ad libs over the airy track almost befitting of rock anthem status in sound. Lil Wayne, Young Jeezy and Rick Ross lend their own unique brand of braggadocio into the mix lyrically.

Birdman wears his confidence like a five star general wears his medal of honor. Between swank talk – "I'm A Stunna" and "Believe Dat" featuring Lil Wayne; preparedness – "Fully Loaded" ; work ethic – "Grind" featuring Lil Wayne and Cash Money newcomer Brisco; passing the torch – "I Run This" featuring Lil Wayne and power play takeover techniques – "Make Way" featuring Lil Wayne and Fat Joe,
Birdman keeps his skills sharp and his hustle respected inside and out of the studio. "The stuntin, the jewelry, cars, Cash Money, Hot Boyz, I'm already a legend, but right now I feel like I need to re-do this."
Beyond his music, Birdman expresses his feelings through the artistic medium of tattoos. As the teardrops on his face symbolize loss, the rest of his body has been utilized to heal beyond the suffering with each tat representing blood, love and money.

With his hometown still in recovery from the devastation known as Hurricane Katrina, "Love My Hood" is a story Birdman continues to share. The piano creeps in on the TMIX (Cash Money in-house producer) track as Birdman identifies his hometown pride while recognizing his desire to live life to the fullest because you never know when it will be taken away from you.

What it's like for the Birdman is a constant grind with him at the helm of his ship and in control of it all.
"It don't ever stop, you got to be able to wear as many faces as your range can go." 5* Stunna represents his evolving music side while the entrepreneur is preparing for the release the next installment of his wildly successful Birdman Shoe Collection via his endorsement deal with Lugz in the summer of 2008.

When you look at the Birdman and wonder how he balances it all, his game face is on and his focus incorporates laser-like precision. "You gotta go everyday. Nothing happens too fast or too quick. It's a process and everyday I feel like I put something towards it. You don't want it to miss you, so you've got to keep walking."
As the music business continues to change, keeping Cash Money as a valuable commodity is not only a priority for Birdman, but a way of life that 5* Stunna represents. With an open-mind and a hustle mentality, the legacy Birdman wants to leave behind – "we won't stop, slow down or change. We're about to get bigger and better. And that's how real 5 G puts in the work."