Monday, August 1, 2011

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Traizey "Daily News Vol.1"

Yo! That's a Mixtape: Traizey "Daily News Vol.1"

Not An Actual Newspaper Cover

--Official Stats--
Artist: Traizey
Album: "Daily News Vol. 1"
Uploaded to Datpiff: December 12, 2009
Listens: 24

Right off, this mixtape is either called "Daily News" as the cover states, or "Daily Newz" as uploaded. I prefer Newz because it's stupid, but that's just me. However, I think the two spellings are interchangeable for a scholarly analysis such as this (fart sound).

Okay, so Traizey, right?  I know your impression of him is already bad, probably from that appallingly bad cover. I mean, how long did that take to put together? You know? I hope as much care went into the album itself. Also, GET OFF THE PHONE TRAIZEY, WE'VE GOT AN ALBUM TO PUSH THROUGH!

Traizey is probably twelve years old. He gets good grades in school maybe. He loves to play 360 I guess. And he loves to rap and he even put out a few mixtapes!  Now for the bad news: his production on "Daily News Vol. 1" is the worst I've ever heard anywhere on any mixtape at any time ever. "But Traizey doesn't have the right equipment to do it big like he wants to." - Traizey's mom.  Well, what equipment does he have? I would guess the bare minimum required to record a voice over music and then post it online...maybe a voice recorder that was designed for recording lectures at a college. Remember that track on "The War Report" called Capone Phone Home Outro where Capone raps over the phone from jail? This mixtape sounds worse. Way worse. Maybe this was recorded on some kind of cellphone. I don't know. Neither do you. We'll just be left to wonder how this level of lack of sound quality could even be accomplished.

Anyway, for every track just assume that it has the absolute worst production imaginable. The best comparison I can make is this: imagine you walk into your little brother's room and his alarm clock is going off but it's set to 'radio', and the station is somehow set to "Bounce and Snap Instrumentals". Also, since it's an alarm clock and meant to wake people up, it's set so loud that it's distorting the sounds coming out of the tiny little speaker, but it's still not that loud, it just sounds terrible and has no bass. So you hear this and decide to start rapping over the Bounce and Snap beats. Then you record it on an answering machine and upload it. That's this mixtape.

What about Traizey? Well, he didn't upload a bio or any information about himself, so we'll have to leave that as a mystery as well. All we have to go on are his cover and his raps, which we'll soon dive into. "Daily News Vol. 1" has 18 tracks (holy crap). I'm going to listen to them all (probably more than once) just to see what the new generation of emcees is all about. I've already checked out the freshman class, now it's time to move on to the middle school class!

Ok, Swizz Beatz*, let's go!
*Swizz Beatz is in no way associated with the Tortoise General Blog.

1. Intro
Immediately I'm wondering if this is a joke. Traizey takes the idea of a intro to the next level, in fact to the next galaxy. I guarantee that you would never do this if you were making a mixtape. At first you think he's going the traditional route and just giving the obligatory shots out (Outer Space Kids, ENT, BMW), it sounds weird but it's short. When it ends, it goes silent for a second, and starts up again. It repeats! Then it repeats again and again. The exact same clip is played five and a half times! It's amazing. It's genius.  Is it genius? Is this a production error? Is it intentional? Nobody will ever know. Traizey makin' it hot from the jump.

2. Do What It Do ft. Hunter
Everybody knows that it's kind of risky to start your album with a guest spot. You should save the guests for the middle of the album for when things start getting monotonous. But we all know Traizey (no we don't), he breaks all the rules. Rules like having music and vocals that can be clearly heard on a mixtape.

Once again I'm wondering if Traizey is a genius because even though there is no way in hell I could understand the words in the song playing in the background of this song, Traizey still tries to work his vocals into them.  In fact, I can barely even hear the music, much less make out any distinct sounds. 

I'll hold off on a full lyrical analysis for a track that I can tolerate a bit more, but I will go ahead and quote Traizey's call at the end of the song to get the crowd moving:

"Put your hands up if you are a single lady / let's go, let's go, let's go"

Now imagine that line said at a normal tone of voice with absolutely no enthusiasm. Traizey!  Also, who the hell is Hunter? Was he even on here?

3. Fly Shit
I love fly shit. I really do. Air horn! Now, I would say the biggest problem with this track, besides being unable to hear the beat, is Traizey's flow. It's really rough fella. I mean, keep practicing. But, wow, your flow is one the worst I have ever heard. So, yep, bad rhymes, beats, and know, typical fly shit.

4. Freestyle [Chewy]
I can't really see how this freestyle is different than the previous two tracks as they sound exactly the same. If this means that the other tracks were not freestyles, then you need to step up your rehearsal game. Seriously, practice BEFORE you record. Okay, well this is a sex freestyle, so, everyone loves that! Everyone loves hearing kids rhyme about that.

5. Im So Wealthy
Before I even listen to this track I would like to call into question Traizey's wealth. I'm sure he has some level of wealth compared to the rest of the world, but I don't think it would fit into what Americans would typically call "wealthy". 

Traizey mentions that he wrote this when he was twelve years old, so it's definitely an old one (probably written this year). I was going to quote the chorus but I honestly can't understand what he is saying.  I'll do my best though...

"I'm, I'm so wealthy / I'm, I'm so wealthy /
Money every week, money on time,
money all day, so you know we gon' shine"

Okay, that's something. Now check out the consistency between the first and second verses:

verse one:
"It's about my time, Traizey in the building /
stayin so high making me no feeling /
I am the man so you cannot play me /
I'm stacked up from my feet up to my head up..."

verse two:
"It's a-bout my time, I'm in the building /
stay so high make it be no feeling / I said it before but I said it again /
I'm back at one, number one on that chart man..."

Genius? I don't know. Traizey, I'm speechless.

Also, Traizey has a special knack for screwing up these crowd calls at the end of a track:

"All the ladies in the place to be, put your hands in the air as you can see /
All the ladies in the place, put your hands up...if you g-always...gone ain't gon' be no second chance or try / I'm a be your number one guy.
So holla at me, go! ...I'M SO WEALTHY!"

6. Im Still Fly Remix
I can't describe anything on this track  without repeating, here are the first lines...

"I'm still F-L-Y to the fullest!  N-Y-C to the fullest! /
Murfreesboro, Tennesee that's where I'm just from! /
Party all night thats what I want to be-come"

Then we've got some bragging about skills which is okay, a lot of rappers do that. In the end I would call this just another terrible track that ends abruptly.

7. Kick It Up In My Stand
Well, I like that title. I don't know what it means, maybe our host can help, see if you can make anything out of this:

"Kick it up in my stance. While I'm pulling up my pants. 
...Kick it.  Kick it in my pants. Kick it in.
In the kicky-kicky kick. Kicky-kicky-kicky-kicky-kicky-kick /
Kick it up in my fands as I'm pullin up my pants.
 On my tippy-toes I'm tippin. Man, I tink my fitted down. 
Made sure my jez are fresh-and-right, fresh-and-right,
fresh-and-right, fresh-and-right, fresh-and-right, fresh"

Now go back and read that out loud. Seriously, do it. Oh boy, right? Then there's something about being in a Chevy (new 2009 status). Rappers throwing garbage. Whatever. Whatever forever.

8. Kush ft Lil Wayne
SOL (Sigh out loud).  Did anyone want to hear Traizey rap over a Lil Wayne song? Yes. I'm glad to hear that, because you can check that off your bucket list now. I don't understand how you can press play on your CYBER GEAR MP3 player in your kitchen and have the sound cut out while you're recording a song for your mixtape and then you keep that as the final cut. It doesn't seem possible. Plus, Traizey has done nothing but talk about how much money he has (even in this song), but then he says this: "Don't call me sonny / I'll get money someday."  What is going on? Are you wealthy or not Traizey? Let's just have the truth.

AND this:
"Yeah, I hit the sack.  I ain't talking about hibernation. 
Call me bear cuz I hibernate up in the win-ter.
Through stormy weather I am just a normal winner." 

Okay! Okay? So are you talking about hibernation or not? Either you hibernate or you don't.

"I'm on deck like a pirate....captain......sparrow,
I am the man...on TV I'm the man.
Everybody know, ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ON Demand!"

This is reminding me of Eli Porter from Iron Mic. I love that guy (I'm the best mane, I deeeed it!).

9. Lambo Love ft. Hunter
This one is dedicated to a girl! "AAAAAAYYYYYEEEE!" (that's what Traizey yells a few times to the muddled background music).  That's before like three minutes of "love 'em and leave 'em" raps". Traizey, you scad. This song is excruciating, if you're trying to win a girl over with this she'll have to either be very forgiving or very deaf.

10. Me Singing BlackBoy WhiteBoy
Take this title as literally as it sounds.  This is Traizey singing Blackboy Whiteboy, add the word "horribly" to the end of the title and this song would review itself. Oh, and at the very end of the track you can hear the next song start. Not the next song on this album but whatever the next song was on Traizey's CD player. Cool?

11. Money 2 Blow
This could quite possibly be one of the worst things that a human can be asked to endure. "Cash Money Records should sign me after this blow, might as well find me, Murfreesboro, Tennesee, that's where I just be". Listen, I'm right on the edge of giving up here. Not on this album but on today's youth. Traizey actually boasts about his "nice flow" at some point in this atrocity. My friend, flow is one thing that you absolutely do not have. Do you want proof? Here is the next line in the song after bragging about flow:

"All the way turned up. All the way. All the way. All the way turned up /
I'm all the way turned up, turn me down.
Everybody hear my speakers banging when I come down the street."

Not a nice flow. Case closed, forever.

12. One More Chance ft. Hunter
I can't take this. Hunter again? I don't think Hunter has been anywhere on here despite the promises.

Unsurprisingly, I can barely hear the beat (a.k.a. the music Traizey is playing on his alarm clock), but even so, I can still his source music is awful. Who listens to crap music like that? Clearly Traizey does, but who else? 

So this is more of the same.  Exactly the same. In fact a lot of these lines we've heard before, like the your "number one guy" line.

This song is basically an apology song to one girl (Tiffany Laughlin, to be specific), so why are you dedicating this song to all the single ladies.  Isn't that what (probably) got you in trouble to begin with? Paying attention to all the ladies instead of Tiffany? Hey, Ho! Laser Sounds.

13. Prettiest ft. Drake
Well this is frustrating.  I'm not a Drake fan, but I can kind of make out some of his raps in the music that plays in the background during the beginning of this track and it's making want to hear a rapper who can rhyme coherently. One thing Traizey has firmly established: he wants sex. A lot of sex. More than most people I'm guessing from his content.  Plus he loves to repeat lyrics.

I guess I can't make it through a track without a quote, so here we go:

"I am the man, I got the phone plan / Put me up on my cell-ure device /
 Everybody know your boy just nice / Got a nice flow, this is how we go... "

Nope, still not a nice flow...and here is an example of Traizey getting everything he says wrong:

"Yeah, I'm back with another one, another hit.
You gotta admit, man, this is your favorite girl's song isn't it? 
Request this on the radio."

14. Ready To Fly
This is just noise. I'm not some cranky old man or anything like that, this really is just noise. If you're not suffering from a headache and you want to change that, listen to this song. It's one step away from listening to the radio and driving through a tunnel (where you lose the signal and it gets all loud and distorted). PLUS, MORE OF THE SAME LINES FROM BEFORE. Hey Traizey, you gotta use new lines in every song. Every time new line.

15. Star Struck Shawty
Traizey can barely be bothered to rap this time. He's just saying words. Fragments of thought. It's not as noisy as some of the other tracks, but it's equally unbearable. This is one of the worst things I've ever heard. It's incompetence on the highest level.

16.Threw With It
Okay Traizey, just when I think I've had enough of your nonsense you use the word "threw" like that, now we're friends again. No we're not. I don't know if I mentioned that Teaizey sings a lot.  Not like dramatic singing, just slight vocal changes. It's grating. This song has a lot of singing, and just trust me, it's not worth it, don't listen to this, you'll regret it.

At least we have the return of the appalling crowd calls:

"If you tired of your friends, throw your ones up.
 If you a single woman, throw ya hands up.
 If you single lady, throw your ones up.
 If you single lady, go on throw your ones up.
 If you single lady throw ya hands up. 
 Throw ya hands up.Throw ya, throw ya Hands up.  Crazy!"

I'm threw with it. I threw up.

17.Waffle House Flo
Flo or Flow? "Waffle House flow, this is how it go" Okay, that's decent. A rap about ordering at Waffle House! That's not a bad idea either. Then there are raps about how great Traizey is? Not so good.

Traizey makes sure to tell us that this track is just for fun, but it's of the same quality as the rest of the album. The funny thing is, I think "Waffle House Flow" is his best idea. I really do like it, unless he stole it, then it's just sad. Well, it's sad either way. I'm sad.

A typical outro.  There is music playing in the background, but we have a disheartening silence from Traizey. Spooky. Traizey has left the room.

You know, this mixtape is a disaster in every way. NOTHING IS GOOD ABOUT IT AT ALL. It's worse than you can imagine, and when you read that you probably imagined worse. Well, it's worse than that. Every hip hop element is terrible: lyrics, flow, speaking clearly, beats, choruses, originality, not repeating yourself, and everything else. Plus, every standard musical element is terrible, and I'm just talking about simple qualities that make music bearable to listen to: music you can hear clearly, some level of sound balance, vocal production, ability to understand what is being said. It's the worst mixtape that I have ever heard in my life. There is no way a person would ever intentionally listen to anything on here unless your name is Traizey, or you are some sort of idiot blogger like me.

I know Traizey is just a kid. But he had to notice a difference between the quality of what he was uploading to the Internet, and what others upload. He had to know that this was severely lacking on every level.  I mean, there is no way that anyone could listen to even a few seconds of this and know that it wasn't somehow different than everything they've ever heard. I mean, you can't miss it. There is something odd going on here: this should have never been uploaded anywhere, but here it is. It takes a lot of confidence to put an album online of work you did at your house. But what does it take to put an album online that is this bad? Is there something wrong with Traizey? Is he just that stupid, or just that confident? Did he not have one friend or family member tell him how bad this is? I'll say it then, directly to him: Traizey, this mixtape is so bad that it cannot be classified as rap or music. Whether or not you were having fun while making it, it should not have been uploaded or played for anyone ever. Delete it from the Internet and from wherever else it is.

One last thing, Traizey, just maybe the confidence that allowed you to rap like this and then upload it for all the world to hear will pay off someday. But I think you need to put in some serious work, PRACTICE, get a little more experience under your belt, and change your name.

Go Traizey (eventually)!

Never ever listen to this mixtape.

SCORE: 0/10
Someday this might be the real newspaper headline.

"I just want to be the best I can just be" - Traizey, I'm So Wealthy
"Stop rapping." - Dag Diligent, The Tortoise General


  1. Nice work. I'm almost inspired to track down some truly crappy mixtapes to write about, but I'm just a normal winner, so what do I know?

  2. Heres Traizey Now Check Him Out.

  3. Heres Traizey Now, Check Him OuT.