Monday, December 26, 2011


Odd Future Mysteries: The Case of the Christmas Eve Caper

'Twas a Christmas tradition for the Odd Future members, to meet up for gifts and feasting with neighbors. At Mike G’s cottage is where they all met, for kindness and love and mutual respect. Friends and families were there on that cold snowy day, gathering together on the coast of L.A.. And so it would seem that Odd Future can’t meet, without encountering a mystery that they must complete. And today was no different as the mystery was brewing, but could this mystery be our favorite groups undoing?

I'm not doing this. What's the point? I hate writing about Odd Future. I hate their stupid names and their unbearable music. Everyone on the Tort Team hates putting together these dumb mysteries because they take weeks to finish and then just end up being stupid anyway and nobody looks at them. So if you were hoping for an Odd Future Christmas Mystery then I have to ask you this: What is wrong with you? Either:

  1. You like Odd Future and were hoping for a little fictional fun with your favorite pre-teens
  2. You like the terrible writing on this blog and you were hoping for another mess of a post
  3. You hate Odd Future and you were hoping that this post would reinforce your hate.
  4. You're trollin' the net for LOLZ.  
Fine. You do whatever you want to do, but I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask what's the point? What's the point of anything? Why are you online right now? Why do you enjoy Odd Future? Why do you enjoy any music? It's all the same, right? Nothing really innovates. Odd Future just stirs up the same vomit as everyone else. Their music is not different. It's exactly the same amount of shocking as NWA was like two decades ago, but NWA was a lot harder and didn't act like they wanted to be cast in Jackass 4. The music is the exact same (excpet NWA was doing a lot more innovating and not coping the Neptunes). Whatever, it's all corporate nonsense put out there so some rich fat cats can get richer by exploiting your desire to define yourself by what you consume. They want you to like their garbage music and give them all your $$$$$.

That's the real Christmas Mystery here: why do you care about anything? Why are you passionate about music? Because it moves you? Becasue you can "feel it"? Because it speaks to you? It helps you feel like you're not alone? Listen: YOU ARE ALONE. If it weren't for your tiny money stacks these companies wouldn't be pandering to you either. They would leave you to die. But don't fear: you are more than what you listen to. You're more than your bank account. You can innovate. You have it right inside you. Everything you take in, especially the dumb stuff, limits you. Everytime you watch a stupid TV show or spin some insipid song you chip away at your own ability to be free.

So this is solution to the Christmas mystery: leave this blog and never come back. Get off Twitter. Get off facebook. Stop being influenced and trapped. Destroy your TV and radio. Put down the XBOX and the PLAYSTATION and the Wii and whatever else sucks the time and life out of you and do something. DO SOMETHING. Find some real heads who inspire you to do what you want to do and not what you feel like you should do to fit in. STOP BEING FAKE AND STOP FRONTING FOR 2012, JACKASS.

Everything Ever Score 0/10

Ah, here's your problem sir, you've got a bit of MTV here.

1 comment:

  1. Well said. I don't care much for Odd Future but I did find the mysteries written up for them intriguing. I can understand what you were going for with these stories.

    Corporations do control everything but hey, what can we do. It's like you have to create the music around them or else face the route less traveled. Which means releasing your music and hoping someone hears it and shares it. Seriously, there is a ton of good music out there unheard...

    Maybe I should do down the dark recesses of SoundClick and Datpiff in order to search for and support the kind of shit hip-hop needs.