Monday, January 9, 2012

Yo! That's a Mixtape: The Dutchmaster "Whats Good?"

I'm going to let you know up front that I am extremely mad about writing this review. I have nothing against The Dutchmaster* specifically, but I have a problem with writing up a full review of his awful mixtape "Whats Good" for a second time. A few months ago I wrote this thing up and scheduled it for publication. Then a few weeks ago I went back to proof it and discovered that it had been somehow removed. How did that happen Blogger? What's wrong with your interface? This is my bread and butter dudes. Okay, so I know you don't care about the inner workings of some third-rate rap blog and what posts get lost in the shuffle. But if you're reading this then you should care because my mood is the WORST and IT'S DEFINITELY GOING TO COME THROUGH ON THIS REVIEW. I'LL PROBABLY EVEN WRITE IN ALL CAPS FOR AWHILE BECAUSE I'M THAT ANGRY. We're all doomed. Oh, and if THIS review somehow gets erased, I won't be back to write this up again. I can't take it. You'll be on your own Dutchmaster.
 *I do have some issues, I mean, did you see that name. Come on.

So let's re-review this piece of shit. I'm sure you can tell that I don't want to write up any background on this mess so we'll keep it basic. The Dutchmaster is an idiot from Chicago (I guess) who thinks he can rap (of course) so he stole a few beats, did some shit on his computer and basically recorded himself rapping terribly and uploaded it to the internet. He thinks he's the best rapper and that he deserves a better life based on his greatness and his rap abilities. That's the story of most high school kid's life today: they're all the best rappers. OF COURSE they think they're able to rap, it's just rhyming words, right? Nothing to it? Anyone can do it.

Well...we see some cracks right away in the Dutchmaster's greatness: he doesn't understand how to use apostrophes (whats up with that?), he doesn't have his own name locked down (it may also be DutchmastaPhatz), he sucks at photoshop, and he uploaded this trash to DatPiff in 2008 and has pulled less than 200 listens (and several of them are from me thanks to Blogger's auto-post-erase function). So the masses have spoken: The Dutchmaster sucks at making mixtapes, he can't even get people interested enough to give him a listen. That is until now, when the dumbest people around, the Tort Team, from this terrible blog not only listen to it, but mock it, and hate on it, and make fun of it. Why? Because we're the worst kind of jackasses: old school hip hop elitists.

Who cares about any of this? Nobody. So we'll just call Dutchmaster "DM" from now on and just try to get through this....

1. "The dutchmaster busy in dis bitch"
HAhahah that's a great title, DM. Nice work. Oh, DM's real name is Eric, so we'll go with that sometimes.

"ERIC!!! What are you doing down there" - Eric's Mom
"Nothin' Ma."
"I hear a lot of rhyming and smell better not be rapping again."
"MOM! Geez, I'm not rapping, I'm getting busy in dis bitch."

Oh boy, these mixtapes are scary. I'm talking fright night (and I don't know what that means). I mean it's scary that someone made this and thought it was good enough to share. It's funny and sad at the same time, but since Eric should be old enough to know better we'll just say that it's funny. 

So Eric pulls from Master P's bag of tricks by starting things off with a classic drawn-out "Yeah" that sounds like a "Ugh", except that his voice sounds so flat that I guarantee that he is embarrassed to be making this tape. He's cowering back into himself. That's what happens when you try to be something your not. When you're fake, you live your life in fear of being revealed for who you are, then your voice sounds like this.

Where was I? Oh yeeeeeeeeeeah. This beat is probably stolen from somewhere. Vocal echo is in full effect. DM talks something about not having a girlfriend, being money sick, and it's all just a mess. I give up on this track. I give up on the blog life.

2. "Cant wait" ft lone gunman
Yo! Dutchmaster, check it out, I'ma put you on: apostrophes! Check 'em out. They can turn your cants into can'ts and then into cans. That's a silly thing for me to say.

Alllllright. Another great title. So what cant you wait for? DM? Ladies? Oh, the dirty deed...DM and Lone Gunman can't wait for that. Well, it's clear that Lone Gunman is way better behind the mic than DM. I would post an example of lyrics but I don't want to hear this again....ah, I can't resist. Here are some DM lyrics for ya mind:

I met a chick in the Chi, she listened to B.I.G. and PAC
Four twenty-five was the time on my wristwatch
Conversation quickly led to a liplock
I can't wait...I think I got a shot...IT'S DUTCHY!

Good grief Dutchy. Let's switch over to Lone Gunman:

You know! Like Redman, "Tonight's the Night"
I'm going to show you girl...I'm going to show you the lights

Everything is terrible. These two together are the worst. Get me outta here.

3. "Look at those shoes"
Hahahahah! Listen, DM, I was done checking out shoes about the time Nelly started spouting off about Air Force Ones. I don't care about shoes. At allllll. "Say What?". It's true. I don't even care about your car or your city. Claim whatever set you want. I don't care. I do care if you can't come sick with the tracks and you're calling yourself an MC. I care a lot. That matters to me. So ask yourself this: why are you rapping about shoes when you can't even rap? Step up your skillz, then I'll listen to you drone on about your shoes (no I won't, dumbass). Shoes are fine and very important to feet, but raps about them are dumb unless you're very clever, which you are not. 

I'm not even going to listen to this song. Well, actually I will! Let's check the chorus:

Look at them shoes, look at them kicks
look at them shits, look at , look at, them shits
(Repeat x100)

So DM? What kind of shoes are we talking about here that are so special?

  1. Red Shoes
  2. Blue Shoes
  3. Brand New Shoes
  4. Gray, orange, and white Air Force 2-2s
  5. Fake [somethings] copped off eBay
  6. Four pairs of "cats" (?)
  7. Shoes that are "real fucking old"
  8. Nike Dunks High
  9. Nike Dunks Low (where DM keeps his toes)
  10. Adidas Top 10's
  11. Outdoor Kicks
  12. Gym Kicks
  13. CB-34s
  14. Air Jordan's
Neat. That's a great collection...just like Paris Hilton! DM also says that his shoes are "Epileptic" and I'm not exactly sure what he means by that. Do they have seizures? Are they known to experience fear and total state of confusion? Who knows?

Now lets check the lyrics, son:

Always match my kicks with the shit on my dome
When I see fly shoes I take a pic on my phone
And if you ain't up on these kicks, well, shit you 'bout to learn
When I stroll up in my shoes all you see is heads turn
and if I'm broke and I can't afford 'em
best believe, that some way, I'll earn em

Well with that I can say that I've changed! I Love Shoes Now. Time to buy some shoes just like DM!
4. "Kenny lewis" ft1 dice mobbback to da block
Well, thankfully, this song won't play! We don't have to hear it! I would have loved to hear the rhymes of "1 Dice Mobbback to da block"...with a name like that, he (they?) have to be good. Who is Kenny Lewis? Why did he deserve a song? Who knows? It will be an eternal mystery caused by DM's inability to upload music to the internet. You better figure that out DM, it's important to being an MC in the modern world.

5. "Peace of mind"
This is a decent stolen beat, but it's not decent enough to save DM's terrible rapping. So how does DM get piece of mind? Well, he "flips" "oz's" and earns small money, then the ladies smell the money and are "on" him. Uh, then he gets high. After that there is a full minute of nonsense.

DM also points out that he has "so much heat" that "it force me to sneeze". Okay. That is exactly how I find piece of mind as well.

Then someone else (Lone Gunman?) comes in to spit a verse, and once again DM is massively out shined. But we get lucky again as the song cuts off at about the halfway point. DM you're lack of computer skills is a big help for me. Thanks.

6. "You cant believe it"
We'll see if I can believe it or not, then I'll let you know. DM starts out by spitting his best rhyme ever (his words):

Northpole! All day. Chicago for life.
We hustlas, so cops tryin to ruin our life
I'm paranoid to drive around at night
cuz the blue and red lights keep it cool
like you're transpor-ting white, on a flight
Don't got no more rhymes this tight
I try with all my might
If it fit, just throw ya hands in the air
like ya throwin' in a fight

Well, that's bad. I can't believe that I heard a verse that bad. This whole song is bad. I don't know what DM is doing with his voice but it doesn't sound very good. It sounds like he's timidly reading his lyrics and just trying to get through this song. Same as me. The only time his voice even changes from droning to excitement is when he boasts that he will be the next "rap superstar", which he will definitely not be. Big dreams, small talent. That's why you haven't had an album since 2008.


What a waste of time. DM is a terrible at rap. Just awful. If I had to guess his age based on his subject matter and rhyme skill, I would put him in the 8 to 12 neighborhood. But his voice sounds like a 15 year old at least. No matter what age DM is he is still terrible. Now I usually end my reviews by yelling at the mixtaper to quit rapping, or I give a little encouragement and then tell them to put in work. But this time I'll skip all of that, DM hasn't put anything out in a few years so he quit without my advice. Good riddance. Stay quit.

Also, in hindsight I see that Blogger probably erased my original review to save the world from being exposed to this shit. Blogger was trying to help. Thank you?
Whats Good Score 0/10

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