Thursday, May 17, 2012

Track Checker: Chingy "Let It Go"

Guess what friends. I'm writing this post without a topic in mind. I don't have a song, I don't have an artist. I haven't even written the title yet (it's blank right now). I'm just excited about an idea I have for a review, and that idea goes something like this: I pick a terrible rap song, post a link for it, mock it (no duh), and then say something like this:

"The beat is a mess, I suspect that the wiring in the boards got crossed because nobody would ever make a beat like this on purpose."

See! LOOL! It's a perfect review plan. Blaming crossed wiring for a bad beat is something, I guess. It's funny to me that someone is trying to make a beat for a big name rapper and it's just sounding terrible because they had a guy in to work on the boards and he mixed up the wires. HAhaha! It can't be fixed so the beat is what it is. "I guess we have to put it on the album." - music industry head honcho.

GREAT! SO FUNNY! Now, let's put this bad boy plan into action...

So I just did a little searching and decided to do something off of Chingy's latest mixtape "Jackpot Back" hosted by DJ Noize (why not). Because he's an easy target (since he makes crappy music) and he's from Missouri (the third worst*), and I want to go to lunch but I have to pound this out. So, here is the album cover.
*after Washington State and Oregon

Uh, let me quickly scroll the songs and look for something that will be funny to review. Hold on, this takes forever since I have to actually listen to them and pick the perfect one....

OK! Done. I picked "Let It Go"

And the title becomes "Track Checker: Chingy "Let It Go" (I just added to the top of the post).

Let's review this POS (it's track 16):

That wasn't a disappointment at all for anyone. I think we all agree that Chingy is bad at rap. I mean, some people like him so he's not bad at making music that some people like. He's just bad at making good hip hop in a traditional sense. Word up squad. He is good at making sound effects "skkkiirrrrtttt" but that's not enough. Actually, I appreciated a few lines in the song, but mainly because they're variations on the oldest shit ever: how shiny diamonds are. "Like sunrays, fuck up your eyes." Hahah! Nice job? It's gotta be tough coming up with a new line that says the same thing every album. Plus he says that cowards are trying to die. Really? I think not.

So what in the hell is went wrong with this track. First of all, how many times does somebody say "let it go" during this song? Like 50? Fine. I'm sure the lyrics are saying something but for some reason it just sounds like a lot of noise. I don't want to sound like an elderly old man, but holy crap this track is loud. It's like the Las Vegas Strip of music. Just little sounds trying to get your attention all the time. Bass sounds, little tinkling sounds, deep voices, loop echos, hand claps, fast snaps, explosions (?), voice echos, call and replys, key changes, too much twerking, piano, rapid spit, slow spit, and an OD of Missouri slangy slang. Good Grief. Too noisy. Too Noizy. DJ NOIZE. That beat is a mess:

I suspect that the wiring in the boards got crossed because nobody would ever make a beat like this on purpose.

"There's your problem with the song: someone wired this thing in backwards!"

Wow. (I DID IT. POST ACCOMPLISHED). So Chingy ends this song by saying exactly what EVERYONE WAS THINKING. "HEY YO! NOIZE, STOP THE MUSIC." Yes, please stop the music. Yo! Noize, STOP THE MUSIC FOREVER or get your board rewired correctly. Please listen to Chingy (his advice to stop the music, don't listen to his music). Listen to me: just stop.


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