Monday, February 13, 2012

Track Checker, University of Portland "Mission Muscle Fizz"

I don't have an education at all, but I have learned that awesome stuff happens at universities. Awesome people go to universities, and those amazing people are way better than us in general and also try to make a lot of raps. It seems like half of the mixtapes I listen to are from affluent college kids who have no choice but to prove their skills behind the mic. And, you know what? It makes a lot of sense. The people who actually have something to rap about can't afford the equipment required to upload mixtapes to the internet, so we get to hear what the rich and unskilled have to rap about. Great.

This rap video is exactly that: rich people who have promising futures just rapping away. It’s nothing new and nothing to get upset about. It is what it is. Life happens. But this video features the richies taking it to the next level since they are rapping about things that only affluent people think about: college stuff! Hey, everyone involved, this is just a great video for you to help one another stay rich and oppress everyone! Keep us down while you look out from your beautiful mansions in a part of town that is off limits to the poor. You’re the best ever! College!

Let’s get to the video which I’m sure you won’t be able to sit through unless your bank account is so full of money that it overflows into investments or IRA’s or whatever.

"Hey, those guys are college kids and are probably drowning in debt. They’re not rich at all.” – Educated readers.

Yeah, but by learning raps like this, they’re on their way and deserve our contempt …

Let’s be honest, this video starts so weird that it may as well be in Russian. Something about agents and people in suits? Action potential? Exercise equipment and people exercising in professional attire? Impoverished people just don’t understand.

So this is clearly supposed to be some kind of “Men in Black” something, except that song was the worst. Who remembers that song anyway? Not me. I forgot it on purpose (at first) and then I forgot about it naturally (because it is so bad that it faded from everyone’s collective memory). Apparently rich people who go to universities still remember this song and think it’s great for putting their physical fitness raps over in 2011. Good thinking rich people! At least someone still loves Will Smith!

Then the rapping starts and I can honestly say that this guy’s raps make less sense than almost every other rap song ever. It’s all dumb nonsense. If you think you can understand what these people are saying you’re fooling yourself. It’s all made up bullshit created by people who want to prove how smart they are and then regurgitated by unimaginative puppets. The chorus of the song says that this is to “help you remember”! Yeah, now I’ll remember whatever they're rapping about. Good pneumonic device University of Portland. You nailed it. The sarcolemma is very fast! LGC’s!


“We’re having a party at the ICF!”

“Calcium joins up and it’s all a big mess”

YEAH! Oh man, this video just decided the “nature versus nurture” debate: everyone is born with top notch rap skills! Nature takes the trophy. No practice or consideration necessary for lyrics. Just vomit up whatever is in your heart, even if it is about Tropomyosin. Some people rap about growing up in crime infested neighborhoods with no opportunities and some people rap about myosin “like a boss”. Well, University of Portland and everyone else who learned about this stuff: you’re the worst but you have a bright future in oppression.

"Oh yeah? You're all talk. I suspect that you want your doctor to know about the topics in this rap." - smart people.

Nope you morons. I can't afford a doctor, I live in America! I don't care what doctors know about. I know about the bottom of their expensive loafers pressing against my neck as they try to bleed me and everyone dry while they complain about corporate tax or some shit. They let us starve and then they use hip hop to help each other remember rich-people medical bullshit. You know, I hope that all of the doctor's in America never learn this or anything else...that way they might not be able help the other oppressors of the poor stay alive. Get STUPID doctors! Also, stay in your Whole Foods Market and your hybrid car and keep away from hip hop / rap / me.

Mission Muscle Fizz Score 0/10
University of Portland Score 0/10
Action Potential Score 0/10
AcH Score 0/10
Sarcolemma Score 0/10
Professional Attire Score 0/10
Rich People Score 0/10
LGC Receptor Score 0/10
Ion Channel Score 0/10
Sodium Score 0/10
T-tubule Score 0/10
Intracellular Fluid Score 0/10
Calcium Score 0/10
Troponin Score: 0/10
Tropomysoin Score 0/10
Actin Score 0/10
Myosin Score 0/10
Cross-Bridge Cycling Score 0/10
Ion Score 0/10

I just disparaged all of your mumbo-jumbo. Smarten up jackwads.

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