Wednesday, May 9, 2012


WELL, WELL, WELL suckers. We've made it one whole year...and what have we done? Another year over, a new one's just begun! That's right fans, this version of the Tortoise General Blog has been around for a whole year! What a great year it's been? So fun. So many major milestones and internet awards. Plenty of well researched and cleverly written articles. Not many mispellings or grammer mistakes! Too much profanity! And, most importantly, a S load of hip hop. CHURCH! So let’s do this big and have a YEAR IN SUMMARY!



Let's start with the good things:

Well, for one thing we cut costs; we sent a lot of jobs overseas and reduced our workforce. We were also able to cut benefits for almost everyone (not management, doy) and shift a lot of full-time employees to part time! Why? To save money! We now have a lot of extra cash on hand to improve the quality of our blogging and also to give more $$$ to our rich investors! Business leaders need all the money to make jobs and make the economy happen. We’re glad to play our part by running this operation bare bones and AWSOME.

So, what jobs did we improvesource to overseas, you ask? Accounting, marketing, editing, IT, web design, graphic design, our proofreader, and research. So, as much as we could! But our company is still great and even better than ever. We’re young and LOOKING GREAT! Our accounting is sharp, our IT is brilliant, and our research is as good as Rakim when he worked with DJ Jazzy Jeff during his Philly days, which was the best.

We have also reviewed a shit ton of good and bad hip hop and that’s really what we’re here for besides venting anger on fake ass MCs.

Wow! What a Year. #CLASSIC

Now for the bad things:

We took a few reviews down because our words were so toxic and mean that the subjects (and even some non-subjects) angrily contacted us and threatened us with legal action! Yikes! So, of course, we backed down and took back everything we said. We don't want to step on any toes and we don’t want investigators lurking around our offices!

We also made a few legitimate big name MC's angry with our dumb jokes. A few people who I have respected for years got at me after we published something dumb about them. Two of these guys were MCs from the Wu Tang Clan (and surprisingly, not U-God). That hurt, and made us all rethink our work, but then we got over it and wrote up something else stupid and even meaner. That’s what we do: irreverence.

We, uh, also learned a lot this year! Wow, I’m really having trouble thinking of things to talk about here. Whatever, so, what have we learned, I guess? Hip Hop from every country but America stinks. Some of the Caribbean islands are good and some of Mexico is good. But, most American hip hop stinks.

Washington State is by far the worst, but Missouri and Idaho are also terrible at hip hop. I'm not saying that these states are hopeless, but I am saying that if a good song ever came out of one of these states, I would be shocked. And don't think you're off the hook, every other state, I see you, I know you have rappers, but I haven't got to you yet. I doubt that your hip hop is up to par anyway, so calm down. That list of terrible states will be lengthened.

Neat stuff. So clever.

WHAT'S IN THE FUTURE: More of the exact same. Ruin, chaos, misspellings, disrespect, hatin' wack shit, you know, interesting stuff.

IN CONCLUSION:  If you read all of that, you’re really hard up for something to do. So maybe just enjoy some Biz Markie. He’s the best.


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