Wednesday, January 2, 2013

U-God's Resume #75, "KJ Rhyme"

--Official Stats--
Artists: The Hillside Scramblers
Song: "KJ Rhyme"
Producer: Leatha Face
Album: UGODZ-ILLA Presents The Hillside Scramblers
Release Date: March 16, 2004

Hey Yo! KJ! We need you to just do a rhyme.

Who's KJ? Fuck you for asking that. It's King Just you penguin faced clam dodger. Who did you think it was? KG from K&G Men's Clothing? That's so stupid.  "You're fired" - Donald Trump, to you. I almost wrote Donald Turnip there...ahahah! Wouldn't that have been a mess? "The fuck is Donald Turnip? I'm never reading this bullshit blog again EVER." - YOU.

I'm realizing that life is a lot better not reviewing this song. Sure King Just is a good rapper, but this whole album has been a nightmare and I'm sure this song won't rise above the rest of the toilet water. It'll stink, becasue this whole album was thrown together one afternoon when Leatha Face (Fase?) fired up his dad's laptop.

"Yo! We have everything we need to make an album right now" - Leatha Face when he saw U-God's USB microphone.

So, I'm sure the album was "done". They wrapped it up when Wheel of Fortune was about to start and Mrs. Face (Leatha Face's mom) just brought home Wendy's. But they had like three extra minutes so they were like "Fuck this we got time, KJ just bang one out." (The Scramblers use the term "bang" a lot, to mean a lot of different things, but they don't use it the way I use it. When I say "bang", I mean "bang", like the adult, non-gun related, thing that happens behind closed doors. You know, bang.).

King Just eating a pineapple in Phoenix, AZ (August, 1983).

So KJ was like, "OK, I'll come up with something! Do we have a beat?" and Leatha Face pointed at his CASIO and was like "We don't need a beat, I can just bang this shit and loop it" and sure enough that's what happened. It's in the Wu-Tang Manual, right before the story of how Raekwon failed out of the Coast Guard because he was TOO GOOD AT FISHING FOR TUNA! True story. Read the book.

Can you tell that I don't want to listen to this shit? I'm wasting a lot of time not listening to this song. I've had enough. This song doesn't even have U-God on it....I should get a pass. You should get a pass from having to read this mess.

I''m so drunk I forgot to put the word "SONG" in there, but you get the idea.
Oh well, let's just do it. This is a professional review, uh, blog...not fucking MSNBC.

Hillside Scrambled Eggs! Let's go.

"KJ Rhyme"

Wow. How "on" was I with all my wild guesses? KJ is, in fact, good at rapping. The beat was, in fact, thrown together in three minutes while Leatha Face was making a poster for his lost dog.

KJ Jumps off by saying that "KJ Rhymes all day every day." THAT, my friend, sounds like a curse. Like some Disney wicked stepmother put a spell on you and the only thing that will cure it is true love's kiss or a 'regular' job that requires you to speak in non-rhymes. Like if you worked as the guy at the movies who kicks people out who sneak can't rhyme that."I saw you leave 'Twilight' and come in here, show me your tickets or give me a beer." All day.

Okay, I was typing that instead of listening to this song. When I did "tune" in, the rapping was good but the beat is a mess. KJ, you deserve better. Then the chorus kicks in and YIPES, what a mess. Are we supposed to sing along with that? I hope not. I don't even want to hear it much less sing it. 

I'm still listening to this song for the first time and I'm giving up after two and a half minutes. Abandon ship. I'm sure this song is exactly the same all the way through. A sewer sound pile up with lots of amateur keyboard and okay rapping. That's not good enough. No Way!!!

IN CONCLUSION: 10,000 words about a song I didn't even listen to all the way through? This must be reader appreciation day.

Track Score: 0/10
U-God’s Score: 0/10
Impact on Rep (+,-,=): None (nobody heard this)

Next Week: Only 5 more garbage songs! The next one is called "Gang of Gangsters", which is a majorly stupid title for a majorly bad song (prediction).
About this series: “U-God’s Resume" is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

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