Get Smart About Twerking with French Montana's "Pop That"

TWERK OR DIE

GREETINGS YOU STINK NERDS.

Today we're going to get smart about whatever the fuck twerking is. Fuck it. You know you want to know. But who can teach us? YOUR STINK MOM? Hell no. We need an expert. How about French Montana? Whoever that is. His world famous number 1 song "Pop That" will answer all of our questions about twerking. Let us go to him and have our questions answered (mystical shit (not the rapper Mystical)).

Let's see. French Montana is somehow a Moroccan Somali, so he's worldwide. He is the CEO of Cocane City Records, which is the place that everyone wants to get a job once they score their MBA. So good on that, French. He's somehow involved with Maybach and Bad Boy, so you know he's making hit after hit. This is one of those hits!

LET'S GET AT THIS A-HOLES.



Well that was a let down. Blowin' out the drum machine with a million pops and snaps every second.

Also: surprise! This song features Drake, Lil Wayne, and Rick Ross. All of your favorites together in one place. Personally, I'm not a fan of anyone on this roster, but I am a fan of Rick Ross's fucking necklace of his own face. That's boss shit. STUPID SHIT!!!! Could you say that Rick Ross twerks with his own face on his neclace? Yo! Rick Ross, twerk your fucking face. Is that what twerking is? Let's check the chorus:

Don't stop, pop that, don't stop
Pop that pop that pop that
(What you twerkin' with)
(repeat x 1000000)

HOOOOOLY SHIIIIIT! That doesn't answer anything. What is twerking? Is it that face thing with Rick Ross fucking his own face? Probably not. Is it working and bouncing? What do you think? I don't know. I think it has something to do with ladies. Am I right? Don't answer...my sister's kids read this blog. Oh, don't show them that terrible video either, they're both under 6.

I think that I'm making a pretty safe guess that twerking has something to do with ladies. That guess is based on the fact that 40% of this song is about ladies. But the other 60% is about how much money all the rappers have. Nice. It's so fun to listen to rich people rap about their posessions. I can relate! I love to hear about expensive shit! Don't stop, don't stop. Maybe Mitt Romney should rap? What do you think?

So, since we cracked that "ladies" thing. Let's see what the fella's are rapping about money-wise.

French Montana:
1. Rolls-Royce Phantom
2. Drinking that top-shelf Vodka that Diddy makes at his apartment (Ciroc)
3. Throwing money on the floor.
4. Having a "Brinks" truck in his pocket - LOTS OF CASH ON HAND (COOL!)
5. Wearing 30 chains
6. Having two convertibles with no mileage
7. Being generally rich
8. Having a Bugatti
9. Buying lots of drugs


Well, that was neat. I love it. Who's next?

Ah, Rick Ross (HAHAHAHA):
1. Having a four door Bugatti
2. Spending a "stack" every minute of fifty's or one hundreds


Not too much bragging! Uh, STEP YOUR GAME UP RICK ROSS. Who's next?

Drake (ugh):
1. He makes three times as much money - whatever the heck that means
2. Money is coming and going
3. He bought a house
4. He loves champagne
5. He's got one watch that could "pay for all your chains"
6. He buys drinks for everyone at some swanky Hollywood bar or something


I'll tell you one thing: Drake has a lot of moooonnnneeeeeyyyy. He also is pretty mad at people who don't. Hateful. That's fine! Last up:

Lil' Wayne:
1. Shouts out his clothing line
2. He's just "rich"


Lot's of dineros. Lot's of bragging. So if you want to learn more about twerking, get a lot of money. Then I guess you can twerk with the best of them.


IN CONCLUSION: I don't know how anyone could listen to this festering pile of shit. Do people who listen to this want to be rich? Are they rich people? Are they poor people? Listen, these guys are exploiting you. They stick you for your money on some empty ass shit that they call music. You know who likes this shit? People with low self confidence. People who are so beat down by the world that their only escape is to listen to rich people describe how they control everything. They key is control. These weak ass nerds feel powerful when they hear shit like this. Nobody can step on a rich guy. Ladies can't reject a rich guy. Everything goes right for the rich.

Well here is my advice to you. Figure out who you are and where society is actually forcing you. Then make a change. Dont accept it. You're not a failure. You're exactly the same as the dorks who made this garbage song. SO CHANGE. I'm not talking weak get out the vote nonsense, I'm talking beat the system somehow. Stop listening to these clowns and fill your head with real wisdom.

FIGHT THE POWER AND FUCK FRENCH MONTANA, RICK ROSS, DRAKE, AND LIL WAYNE. Pop that, fat cats.

POP THAT SCORE 0/10

Track Check: Birdman & Lil Wayne "Stuntin' Like My Daddy"

A little boy needs Daddy for many, many things:
Like holding him high off the ground, where the sunlight sings!

I am a general in the military and that means that sometimes I gotta take a bullet for my country. In this case my country is hip hop and the bullet is the song Stuntin' Like My Daddy  by Birdman and Lil Wayne. I've got a lot to say about this track so I'm going to break it down to the very last compound. We're going CSI on this piece...Battalion, TEN HUT!

BACKGROUND



Fathers wipe the tears of your broken heart
And they hold your hand when you don't know how to start

Artists: 

Lil Wayne is extremely well known in all music circles as "the best rapper ever". I strongly disagree with this statement but I can understand where it's coming from. Lil Wayne is clever with his wordplay and he's got incredible punchlines and he hails from an underrepresented part of the country that really demands that a good rapper to represent it. He's established a very unique flow and sound that gives him almost complete freedom on any track (which he takes full advantage of). He's very popular and unavoidable. I've found Wayne to be insubstantial in general (unless you like to hear about money) and somewhat unbearable. I don't really mind him but I don't listen to him. I've found that when he comes in on a non-Cash Money collaboration song, the track tends to stop dead as soon as I hear his voice. He's like some sort of emergency break. Now thats probably the fault of producers who don't know how to handle him, but still...I hate that.  Plus, he's a pretty shallow rapper and a lot of his clever punchlines are pretty corny when you think about them, but he makes a lot of sound effects with his mouth which is cool. Okay, so now that I've lost all of my readers with str8 hatin', let's move on to Birdman who is way worse on the mic but makes bird sounds.

Birdman founded Cash Money records many, many years ago and took on Lil Wayne at the young age of 11. One of his nicknames is B-32, which is honestly one of my favorite rap aliases ever because wtf?. His favorite rap topics include guns, having money, getting money, bird sounds, and women, and he rarely goes off topic. I guess he does have something to brag about, he is like the fifth richest rapper of all time - but who wants to hear about that in every fucking verse of every fucking song? Nobody.

Also these guys have a devoted fan base, have sold a ton of records, and have both won a Grammy (you care, I know it). Also, when Lil Wayne drops anything, everyone knows.

BFF Pals

Even though Birdman and Wayne often work together, Like Father, Like Son is their first "duet" (their words, not mine, I would never call anything a duet). The album overall was well received by fans and critics and sold like a billion copies. This song was a single off of the album.

"Stuntin' Like My Daddy" (Air Horn!!!)

Title

I've asked this before, but I'll ask it again at every opportunity that I get: What the hell is with Wayne calling Birdman his Daddy? I mean it's weird for one grown man to call another man daddy, especially in hip hop. I mean WWTTFFF? This is the edge, right? It's like you're walking along and everything is normal, then you get to come to a weird edge and beyond is this type of shit. Friends or business associates calling each other daddy. Think about it. These guys are probably friends (which is great I guess), in some ways Birdman is Lil Wayne's boss and mentor, and then Lill Wayne calls him daddy a million times on record. WEIRD! AND that's just the title. I hate it. Also, is there a Big Wayne? Would that be Birdman? Big Wayne Birdman? BWB? BWB-32! "You lost me there"-You.

Beat

I'm a professional reviewer and all I can say is that this is just a typical Cash Money beat. It's got all the elements that fans of Cash Money music have come to love. You know what I'm talking about. Actually, it's a bit more catchy than a lot of the songs on this album (yeah, I listened to the whole thing...I HAD TO for work, this shit doesn't listen to itself). But I would in no way call it "good" or "tolerable", it's terrible but also expected.

Chorus

Okay here are the lyrics for the extremely odd chorus

(Wayne 's words in Black, Birdman in Green):

Vrooom! On A Yamaha.

Chromed Out Eleven-Hundred
What I'm Doing? Getting Money.

What We Doing? Getting Money.
What They Doing? Hating on us.

But They Neva Cross. Cash Money still a company

and Bitch I'm The Boss.
 

And I Be Stuntin' Like My Daddy, Stuntin' Like My Daddy, Stuntin' Like My Daddy, I Be Stuntin' Like My Daddy

I'm The Young Stunna, Stuntin' Like My Daddy Stuntin' Like My Daddy, I Be Stuntin' Like My Daddy

Believe it or not, the back-and-forth is actually good. That is until Birdman points out that Cash Money is "still a company". What? Was it not a company at some point? Was it in receivership (what is receivership)? Whatever. This is still a blog.

So they are pointing out that Wayne and B-32 are "getting money" and that's fine. At the same time "they" are "hating" which is also fine. But, in response to the hate, Birdman says that although they're hating, they "neva cross". Why? Because Cash Money is still a company, and Lil Wayne is the boss. I would argue that haters don't cross because they don't care. For example, there are a ton of companies that I hate (all the record companies for one) but the fact that they're a company (or still a company) doesn't make me hate them less or dissuade me from hating at all. In fact, let's say I hated Taco Bell (I don't), I probably wouldn't cross them, I would just avoid them. I don't even know what I'm talking about...and why is Wayne calling himself the boss? Birdman is a co-founder dude, you were hired when you were eleven (bird sounds).

Then the whole "young stunna" thing and the repeating of the title a hundred times. It's just odd. It's an odd combination of words. Imagine walking down the street singing this over and over: "I be stuntin' like my daddy"...you'd be mocked and jumped. Nobody would put up with that dumb shit in any neighborhood...even affluent ones.

The greatest gift I ever had
Came from God - I call him Dad!

Lyrics

Well, if Lil Wayne is known for his clever punchlines, he isn't pleasing his fans here. He's got a few, but they're few a far between. He's got nothing for this track. Birdman is even weaker.



A Fathers Love is in Fun Times Together, Camping under the Trees, Enjoying a picnic, and Walking through the Leaves...

Wayne comes to bat on the first verse and what the hell is he talking about? Getting paid, being rich, murdering his adversaries, being from a bad part of town, and taking your girl. Of course! The only clever line is "It ain't my birthday, but I got my name on the cake"...but that's money related and WE GET IT!

The second verse goes to Birdman who raps about (surprise) Money. $! It's a lot of that. "Spend 50 On A Caddy, 25 On The Pinky". Honestly, who cares? We get it okay? Money! I'm not even hating for the money thing, I'm hating for the bragging. It's a whole verse of this trash. It's just boring and boring to hear about. Boring! And I can't relate. I got $0.00 on my pinky.

Okay, the final verse goes back to Wayne and what do we have this time? Actually, let's try to answer the main question of this song: how is Lil Wayne like his daddy? Well, he basically rhymes the exact same verse as his daddy. They're saying the same thing. They both get and spend money! Great. Just a nice song. Like father like son. One of those established classics.

Final Verdict

This is vintage Cash Money, and by that I mean it's terrible. How does this shit sell? Vrooom!

"A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty." 

Score: 0/10





Photo Edited by Staff





Yo! Anne Hathaway Raps!

Okay this video shouldn't even be on here because it's a viral video and it's just dumb, but one of our young bonehead interns found it and likes Batman or whatever and put it up without permission from the board or the editor. Needless to say that intern has been fired and we had his car towed to an unknown location. So now we'll all just have to suffer through this and write it up the best we can. It is Friday so give us a break (TGen).

I'll warn you this is very tough to watch. It's Anne Hathaway thinking that she can rap cuz she's and entertainer or whatever. After all, anyone can rap - its not a skill or an art to be mastered. You just write a funny rap in your mansions, then rehearse in your limo and it's as good as anyone else. The funny thing is she says that it's in the style of "Little Wayne", she should say that it's in the QUALITY of "Little Wayne" (burn). To me it's more in the style of Niki Minaj but who cares. Okay, see if you can sit through this.



Why was the crowd going crazy? Are they star struck or something? Is that a thing? Well I'm not star struck. This is insulting. Hey Anne Hathaway STOP RAPPING! Go back on vacation in Italy or whatever you do. Enjoy your yacht. Well at least she's talking about something that  we can all relate to: millionaire stuff. Paparazzi and whatever. And she did such a good job. Just great rhymes and flows. Extra Large!

Okay, off to make the doughnuts, minimum wage status. I'll write a quick funny rap about stealing a few doughnuts to feed my kids so they at least get some nourishment today. Oh that and Paparazzi. Those two things weight heavily on my mind.

Anne Hathaway Score: 0/10
Rap Score: 0/10