Macklemore vs. Chief Keef

I'm the shit! At least that's what my neck say.
Least that's what my blog say.

Click. Click. Click. Click. Click. Stick 'em up. Click. Click. Click. Click. Click.

I know it's spelled "clique", but Hahah. LULZ! Wacky Wednesday. Speaking of click, let's do a RAP BATTLE today, but let's make it tremendously unfair just for fun:

CHIEF KEEF a/k/a Mr. Violent 

vs.

Macklemore a/k/a the worst rapper out of the worst state

Now, let me start out by saying that both of these rappers are pretty bad. Mr. Keef is generally a bad person and his music lacks substance #300 (that's the percent that I don't like Keef, 300%). Macklemore is a jackass who makes stupid music that sucks #npr. 

So let's meet our competitors:

haha posertown

Name: Macklemore
Alias: Professor Macklemore (lol)
Representing: Peattle, Washington
Prediction: Instant Death
The Rich preteen's choice

Say Cheese

Name: Cheif Keef
Alias: Sosa?
Representing: Chicago
Prediction: Easy Win

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So here we go. Let's start with the victim, Macklemore, who is soon to be murdered by Chicago's "finest". And since I hate him and don't know any of his songs we'll just pick one at random...



A hahahahah! A lousy sentimental song about a city that everyone thinks is a cesspool of meth addicts and (now) bad rappers.

#1 This is a love letter to bad rappers. A LOVE letter, son.

#2 It's so bad that it must be intentional

The beat is so fucking generic. Saccharine beats 101. Plus Macklemore's delivery is subtle and halted, like he's saying something important. Yearning. Yo, son, you're talking bullshit. Maaaaad bullshit. So wack. Your "mountain" is a shit pile and so are the "historic" Washington rappers you cherish (except for Sir Mix-a- Lot). 

"Hi. Let's pull people's heartstrings with a song about Seattle" - Macklemore.
"But nobody's ever heard of anyone you're rapping about"- his doofus sidekick

"EVERY TIME SOMEBODY STEPS OUT ON THE ROAD

THEY BRING A LITTLE NORTHWEST SOUL WITH THEM AMEN"

What a good rap line? I wish that Washington people would just stay in their awful state. Keep your soul and your lame lines in your area, amen. #peeattle.

"THEY'RE TRYING TO SHUT DOWN THE CLUBS THAT MY CITY ROCKS

NOW MR. MAYOR, WHY WOULD YOU ENFORCE AN ORDINANCE?

MUSIC IT SAVES LIVES, THESE KIDS OUT HERE ARE SUPPORTING IT"

Good goof. How is this rap? It's a mouth full of clam bait, I reckon.

The mayor is supporting the ordinance because he's trying to prevent the youth of Seattle from being exposed to trash music. He wants to save them. Also, fuck you for using the word "ordinance" in a rap, you entitled sewer rat poser. Did you scoop that $20 word out of the golden chalice with the silver spoon which you were born with? YES.

WE'VE LEARNED THE IMPORTANCE OF COMMUNITY

WTF kind of weak ass slap rapper says shit like this? I'm baffled by this garbage. BAFFLED! I mean, I understand that this music is aimed at the upper crust, but holy shit, nobody says shit like that unless they come from privilege and they want other people to write them campaign contribution checks. Hey, Macklemore, you stupid fuck, are you running for office? Mayor of your horrible city? You'll suck at that job too. Walk around looking like a doof noob talking about how you care about the kids. I hope you get that job and then that stupid volcano finishes what it started and cleanses the land. Yes, I want it to erupt and then a lava pool flows 200 miles and takes care of your nightmare city. Wipe that shit off the map. Speaking of volcanoes, having a few in your state would normally be something cool, but just like everything else out of the Pacific Northwest, your volcanoes are weak. Weakattle. 

And fuck, the video (once again) is full of a variety of people rapping the lines, just to show how diverse Mackelmore is. Dumb shit. 

A sappy video, and a sappy song, both filled to the teeth with cliches, just like how Macklemore is filled with wackness (to the teeth). This song is an insult to hip hop, music, and people in general, just like Macklemore. Folks, all Chief Keef has to do is show up to beat this guy.

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Let's see how Mr. Keef represents his town...



Oh my. We were right about that: KEEF WINS. It's funny because this song sucks too, but it's way better than that Washington shit. The beat is silly. It's so typical. If Macklemore came syrupy, Keef comes boring.

O B for Life? Why not. At least Mr. Keef is trying. Can you say that Macklemore? No. Macklemore is proud of Sewerattle, Keef is proud of O'Block (whatever the hell that is). Both love their hometown, so what's the difference. Keef brings the noise and threatens everyone, Craplemore talks about respect and love.

Craplemore:

Memory Lane, Grandma's favorite street. Also: ACTING.

Chief Keef:

Not sappy.

Honestly, how could anyone prefer Mackrelmore over Keef on this one? Keef, who should never really win anything, is the clear winner. Any thinking man would make that call. Let's break it down, Keefs win is:

Objectively correct
Subjectively correct
Morally correct
Logically correctly
Scientifically accurate
Righteous
Sensable

And most importantly HONEST, something that macklemort has never been.

In Conclusion: Fuck Macklemore and fuck Washington 4 life. Audio of a toilet flushing would have won this battle.
MACKLEMORE MY TOWN SCORE 0/10 (I wish I could go lower than 0)
CHIEF KEEF O'BLOCK 4 LIFE SCORE 1/10

Leatha Fase vs. Leatha Face UK

Ladies and gentlemen! I'm sure there are no ladies reading this...and probably no gentlemen. just a couple lost souls who were searcing for images of Puffy and ended up here. Welcome! Don't leave yet, we have a treat for you in classic hip hop form: a BATTLE! Truth.

Today it's another same-name face off. This time it's between Leatha Fase and Leatha Face! Two people named after a stupid movie that nobody has seen since 1994. Great name! But so confusing to those of us doing internet searches for Leatha Face. Let's get this sorted out. WHO IS THE BEST LEATHA FASE? DESERVING OF THE NAME? KEEPER OF THE LETTERS THAT FORM THE NAME FROM THIS TIME FORWARD?

Let's meet the contenders...


In this corner, hailing from Puerto Rico, Brooklyn, Queens, and Staten Island:

Leatha Fase

Known for being U-God's bestie and for producing and rapping for the Hillside Scramblers! He's got the weight of all the Sramblers behind him...

And in the other corner, hailing from ENGLAND (hahahah, this one is already over)

Leatha Face

Not known for anything in the US! Also, WTF is all that tanning talk, is this guy a beach bum?

Let's go.

__________________________


I guess we should start with that England lad. At first I thought we might have a real battle here, but nobody from the UK has a chance in hell against an American rapper...even one from the Hillside Scrablers.



OH. Is this comedy? Jokez. NO NOT JOKES: A message about health. Ohhhhhh shiiiiiiiiit. This is the worst. Leatha Face is a tool used for public service announcements about skin cancer. Most of this video he's getting "schooled" by this guy:

"Using these sun beds to me it don't make sense,
use 'em once or more a month and the chance of skin cancer increas more
than fifty percent"

WHOA!!

"I'm not dissing you my friend, I'm trying to save your life."

Well, that was the worst. More flipping doctors trying to reach the youth with an important message a language "they" can understand. What a bunch of assholes. Hey, if someone wants to get a tan LET THEM, don't rap at us like we're a bunch of morons. Like you're so much better and smarter than us. Tanning beds give you cancer? Fake raps cause lead poisioning.

I can't believe this but I think the Hilliside scrambler might have a good chance of winning this one. AND I'm rooting for him. GO LEATHA FASE! Body that corporate sun cancer kid.
Also, nobody I know hits the tanning beds. They either don't need it, or they're too poor. So good message focused on rich people.
__________________________

SO. Leatha Face doesn't have any solo tracks that I could find, so we'll have to go with one where he teams up with his bestie U-God. Enjoy. Yo! Leatha, knock that sun tan fuck out position.




EH. That sucked. I've heard that one before and it still sucks. But was it better than the sun tan guy? I don't know. I HATE BOTH SONGS. The beat is so distracting. Deck, you stink at production. However, Leatha Face does okay! Way better than the sun burn kid. So...


LEATHA FACE (THE SCRAMBLER) is the winner!

Congratulations. You get to keep your name. But don't think that your song is any good, it's just not trying to teach me about skin cancer so it won. I'll never listen to either track again. Ever.

SUN TAN SCORE 0/10
GLIDE SCORE 0/10


IN ADDITION: I should also point out that someone in BONE (Krayzie) is nicknamed Leatha Face too...and there are a few more out there. So this isn't over.

Stack Boys vs. $tack Boys

Our old friends are back again! You remember the $tack Boys right? The wealthy entitled rascals who rap about the stuff they saw at the mall. Yeah, those guys. Your favorites. Snapback a-holes.

Well, they're back with another song called "Socks and Slides", it's the track that everybody has been waiting for...because we all want to know what a couple of preteens think about footware. But this silver lining has a dark cloud brewing. Remember that movie THE DARK KNIGHT? Where the Batman does his thing but then a new villian comes out and he's a real challenge for the hero because he hides his face too or something. You know, the opposite side of the same coin? Well, that same thing is happening to the $tack Boys. Another group has appeared, and it's basically the same situation as the Batman thing. A duo of rappers has come for the $tack Boys crown...and their name is...THE STACK BOYS!!!! TOO !!! GASP!!!!

So we have an official RAP BATTLE! $tack Boys vs. Stack Boys! Stack on stack crime! Who shall win the coveted name? Let's find out!

We'll start with the challenger: THE STACK BOYS and their song "INTRO".

"Stacks in the building, stacks in the building

Jayboi, Tay Tay, Stacks in the building"

See what I mean? You bring a knife, they bring a gun. You $tack Boys at the mall, they Stack Boys on a car! Our stack boys might be in trouble. Let's see if they can fight this fire...



HAHAhA! I want to say "nobody wins with either of the garbage tracks". But we clearly have a winner. The $tack Boys (the kids wildin' at the mall) have officially lost to The Stack Boys (the guys wilding in a driveway).

THE STACK BOYS WIN!

CONGRATULATIONS!

How did they win, you ask? That's simple. The mall kids sound timid, they use a fake ass hyphy beat, they rhyme about dumb shit, they filmed their crap video at the mall, AND THEY SPANK EACH OTHER IN THE VIDEO.

The other Stack Boys (no dollar sign) at least sound excited to be rapping. The beat is just as lousy but at least they aren't rapping about the SHIT THEY SEE AT THE MALL. Plus a few of the lines are clever and some of the production choices aren't bad. Plus a back-and-forth! Not bad, but still not good. I mean some of the lines are weak, and the beat sounds really old (like they found it at a garage sale), and the video is just around their (pretty nice) neighborhood.

But you gotta make sense son, you can't be coming with shit like this:

COME ONN....

They do mention sandals though....

As for the mall rat rapper $tack Boys:

"So for all you flip flopin wearers out there,

you gotta get some slides and cut ya hair.

Cuz you gotta rock a fade when you're wearing the slides

on your bike, on your board, or in your mom's ride"

At least the $tack Boys lost fighting for something they believe in: wearing branded shoes at the mall to feel like strangers are looking at them and giving them some of the attention that they so desperately crave from their parents. Hey kids, you're more than what you wear on your feet or head. NOBODY CARES. It's not fun to try on sunglasses at the mall, it's dumb. Go do something worthwile with your life. Like make a video like the OFFICAL STACK BOYS (no dollar sign). At least they're winners and are comfortable with who they are. So they win. Easy.

INTRO SCORE 3/10
SOCKS AND SLIDES SCORE 0/10

It's not hate...it's pity.

Line vs. Line: 12:51 vs. 12 O'Clock

Guard ya grill, knuckle up, it's Rap Battle Time! Today we're pitting two people that you've never heard of against each other only because they have similar rap names. Who shall rule the 12 O'Clock hour? We shall see. Let's meet our contenders:

THE CHAMPION (he had the name first)

12 O'Clock

Name: 12 O'Clock
Representing: Brooklyn
Affiliations: Cousin of Ol' Dirty Bastard, Wu Tang Clan
Known For: Appearing on several Wu albums including ODB's first solo, one of GZA's later albums, and a spot on Iron Flag.

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THE CHALLENGER

12:51

Name: 12:51

Previously known as: RacecaR (or maybe still is known as that, who knows?)

Representing: Chicago, France

Affiliations: Uh, underground stuff.

Known For: Not really known

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For this battle, we'll just put a random song from each guy up and then pass judgement. Just like the oplympics.

12 O'Clock VS 12:51

The first track comes from the challenger, 12:51.



Uh. Grab the steering wheel? 40 seconds of rapping? Then a lot of hyping up the crowd, followed by rapping that nobody could ever understand. Is it in French? This video will have to be rejected on the grounds that I can't understand four minutes of it. So let's find a real song by this guy even if it's by "Racecar" who is the same guy...

BORING! Guess what, 12:51, you lose (probably). This is too boring. This reminds me of other boring things like being bored in a hotel and even though the room has HBO it's just showing a boring DOCUMENTARY about something boring. Liven it up, 12:51. You basically handed this one to 12 O'Clock. That guy used to work with ODB, you remember ODB? He was crazy energetic on wax? 12 O'Clock might have picked some of that up, and if he even gets a little loud on his track he's going to kill your shit because of the energy. So withoug further ado, let's bring out the "champion" of people whose name has something to do with the hour between 12:00 and 1:00, 12 O'CLOCK!

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We'll choose "Love is Blood" from whatever this is!

That was okay. Which guy was 12 O'Clock? It was VERY important that we identify the "champion" so that we could judge the winner and we failed. It sounds like there are a couple of guys on "Love is Blood" so I guess we'll have to REJECT that track too! DAMMIT. How about we just slide into track number 2, "Pour My Liquor" that sounds good! Hopefully 12 O'Clock will be in it by himself.

Is that LV? We'll count this one. I'm sure it has more than one guy, but I'm pretty sure the first guy is 12 O'Clock (and even if it isn't we'll just base this contest on that guy - get better identifying yourself on trax 12 O'Clock).This track SUCKS too. It has mad energy, but fuck that chorus. Hit the streets, roll up something, pour out liquor. That's nothing new, in fact, it's PLAYED OUT. The lyrics?  If 12:51 was coming boring and talky, 12:00 is coming superficial and talking about shoes (which I hate - FUCK YOUR SHOES).

Let's just get to the verdict and end this shit:

IT'S A TIE! BOTH SONGS SUCK IT!

So WTF do we do now?
Sudden Death? YES: SUDDEN DEATH. A quick track vs. track, winner takes all.

Let's go. We'll start with the "champ", 12:00:

Terrible start! Good eventually! I picked that randomly! I liked it! Except for the crowd stuff. Plus, I think this song was from "Brooklyn Zu" and not 12:00 specifically. But it'll do.

  Okay, 12:51. Top that:



Beat Boxing! Nice touch! Good rapping, nicer touvh. You're clearly feeling the heat from the other guy, 12:51! Is this better than 12:00? It's very different! I like both of these songs. Tough Decision. Very tough.

THE WINNER:

RACECAR a.k.a. 12:51

A GUY FROM FRANCE! WHAT?

THE WINNER OF THE 12:00 HOUR!

CONGRATULATIONS!

What an honor? Why did he win? Well, I couldn't really find any tracks with 12:00 by himself, and I couldn't tell when 12:00 was rapping on his tracks. I had a good idea, but I wasn't 100% sure. If I don't know when you're rapping, you automatically lose. IDENTIFY YOURSELF OR DO SOLO TRACKS THAT ARE EASY TO FIND.

Plus 12:51 did a nice rain rap. Good job! Stop being boring.

Rap Battle Score 0/10

STAY TUNED: I JUST DISCOVERED ANOTHER RAPPER CLAIMING THE 12:00 HOUR, "Twelve A'Klok" from Louisiana!  Uh-oh, 12:51. You had better step your game up!

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Line vs. Line: Cormega "Killaz Theme" vs. Climate Change

Hi! Let me tell you this right now: you don't want it.

Today we're staging a completely unfair and nonsensical rap battle: Cormega & Mobb Deep vs. whoever the victim is going to be. Let's see, should we select a contender who might have a chance like DMX or M.O.P.? Or, uh, NAS? No way! We have to go bigger. Cormega is a great rapper and Mobb Deep are also very good and very violent. Plus the song they're serving up today is called "Killaz Theme" so you know it'll be brutal. So we'll have to pick someone who is huge..a beast...or maybe something huge. In idea? An epidemic?  How about CLIMATE CHANGE?! YES! Why not? That seems like it's pretty unstoppable, right? Can Cormega stop climate change with his flawless rapping, or will climate change defeat our QBC hero?

So, that's a great the best idea but I'm not sure how we can pull this off. After all, climate change is kind of a silent and slow killer... and it doesn't have a mouth to spit from. So we'll have to select some representatives. How about some actual Climate Scientists? Perfect. They know their stuff, but will their rap skills be up to par? Let's find out.

BATTLE BEGIN:

THE CHALLENGER:

Artist: Climate Scientists
Song: "I'm a Climate Scientist"
Release Date: January 2012

THE CHAMPION:

Artist: Cormega feat. Mobb Deep
Track: "Killaz Theme"
Release Date: February 2005

DING DING DING!

So let's start with the challenger, actual climate scientists.

AIRHORN! With how powerful climate change is, you'd think it would find better people to represent it's case. Okay. First of all, what's with the foul language you morons? It undermines your whole point, plus it sounds dumb in your science raps. Second, your science raps are duuuuummmmbbb anyway. I don't want to go off on another anti-intellectual, anti-rich-oppressor tangent, but you rich assholes and your attempts at rapping are pathetic and insulting. Take a hike, jerks. Did you come up with these rhymes at your lake cabin or in your secure loft? Did it sound great in your 2012 Audi that you bought with cash?

SCUM

Listen, scientists = rich, and rich people want poor people dead, and poor people are you. It's that simple. They just want to make a difference get more money because they care about their rich friends. These appalling jerks might have a point about the climate and the danger to everyone, but a lot of people are just barely making it and starving and living in the worst conditions imaginable. And these guys are wasting all the time on shit like this? Let me ask you this: how much climate change and destruction would it take to make you stop rapping about climate change? What about to take that silver spoon out of your organic yuppie soy mouth? Because I want that amount of climate change...the amount to shut up rich people who think they're so smart with their peer-reviewed papers and their painfully used profanity. You know, how is it that you get your stupid science papers peer reveiwed, but you didn't get any official rappers to peer review this shit? You could have just asked Camron or even Bow Wow, even they would have sent your shit back and said to check your rhymes. 

Scientists, reconsider your lives and find better ways to save your oppressive friends than rapping. I'll tell you right now, you're in trouble in this rap battle. Anything with any artistic merit will kill you. You can't science your way out of this one. This is hollow, shallow, pretentious garbage takes an art form I love and abuses it in unspeakable ways. Save the planet in a way that doesn't make me want to vomit. Actually just do your jobs and shut up.

Preach. Oh, let me just say, dope-scientists, the next song is real hip hop (what you thought you were duplicating).

Something is wack

NOW FOR THE CHAMPION!

If you don't know who Cormega is then why are you reading my blog? He's one of the best. He could easily defeat almost anyone in a rap battle. To make matters worse for those wack scientists, for this track he teamed up with some of his neighbors from Queensbridge, Queens who are also good at rapping: Mobb Deep. Let's see what they're bringing to the table and if they can outrap those jackass scientists:

Get the police tape. What can I say? How about this:

...you transparent, see through.
Rhymes, fully automated, you semi-crime related,
Cormega and Mobb Deep rhyme amazin'
Thug shit you can't fuck with, what?

See, I think Mega is right. Havoc, do you have anything to add?

QBC Representative / I'm just tryin'a live

If I can't get to you, I'ma take it to ya kids

Hey scientists, think you should have stepped your rhyme game up now? Didn't realize what league you were playing in? Just trying to have fun? Well, lets go back to the experts:

Mega poetic, rhymes are like dimes, but no credit

I'll leave your mind paralyzed, dunn, but don't wet it

Or...

You know we kick the truth, you wanna clap us
I got this, strictly out the mouth, nothin' but hot shit
Pop shit, couldn't fuck with this, when we drop shit
You helpless, put your whole shit outta service

No need for more debate, the winner is:
"Killaz Theme"
CORMEGA feat. Mobb Deep


Congratulate our winner!

Okay, so I know you're thinking that this wasn't a fair contest, it's like putting a normal scientist in the ring against Mike Tyson. It's a one shot K.O.. Ka-Plow! And you're right. The point I want to make is that I HATE it when rich scientists or doctors or anyone tries to rap as a cute gimmick because they think it's a piece of cake to make something that people actually want to listen to. Nobody wants to listen to science raps. I especially have a problem with these educated people who think that they're so smart that they can master rapping: "Tisk,if the under classes can do it, we can certainly master it." - the rich.

Hey rich scientists, NOBODY EVER WANTS TO HEAR YOU RAP. It's not funny and it's not cute and you can't do it. You can squeeze every single drop out of your post graduate degrees and your research institutes, but you still wont't be able to rap. You'll never win anyone over and you'll never fit in - you lose.

"I say, I've earned my doctorate, so now I shall turn my attention to pandering to the human garbage morons who waste their lives online, and I shall rap so that they pay attention and I shall teach so that they may take something from me."

You know, I wish the people would rise up and stop all of this. We can do it. How much will we let them take? How long must we tolerate their colleges and their peer reviews? 

Killaz Theme Score 9/10

Climate Change Research Center Score 0/10

Centre for Strategic Economic Studies Score 0/10

School of Earth Sciences, University of Melbourne Score 0/10
Climate Futures Research Centre Macquarie University Score 0/10

Laboratoire De Meteorologie Dynamique Khomiss, Ecole Polytechnique Score 0/10

Line vs. Line: Mo Thugs "Ghetto Cowboy" vs. Crucial Conflict "Hay"

When it comes to hip hop about the wild west or farming you can pretty much bet that it’s all bad. You’re not going to hear a good rap song talking about cowboys or crops or the town sheriff or horses or whatever else (unless you’re spinning Sadat X or that one Fugees song). It’s a worn out topic and pretty stupid to begin with, which is why it demands to be explored here on the Tortoise General Hip Hop Blog Incoporated™! Well, we’re not going to explore all the western themed hip hop today, we’ll just do something easy and dumb instead: We’ll put two themed songs head to head in a face off. The last man standing wins, just like an old western duel! Draw boys, it's high noon...

Our first competitor comes from 1996! The song is Hay by Chicago natives Crucial Conflict:

--Official Stats--

Artist: Crucial Conflict

Song: “Hay”

Producer: Wildstyle

Album: The Final Tic

Release Date: July 2, 1996

Achievements: Gold Status, #18 on the Billboard Hot 100, #2 Rap Single

Hay is up against stiff competition: rap super heavyweights, hailing from Cleveland, Ohio: Bone Thugs-n-Harmony! Well, saying it’s by Bone Thugs-n-Harmony isn’t exactly right, because it’s actually by the Mo Thugs Family, which I will refer to as “Bone” from here on out because who cares. Anyway we're looking at their 1998 hit song “Ghetto Cowboy”:

--Official Stats--

Artist: Mo Thugs

Performers: Krayzie Bone, Layzie Bone, Thug Queen, Powder Pete, and Felecia (Layzie Bone’s wife)

Song: “Ghetto Cowboy”

Album: Chapter II: Family Reunion

Release Date: November 3, 1998

Achievements: Gold Status, #15 on the Billboard Hot 200, #1 Rap Single, #87 on Billboard Hot 100 singles of 1999

Well these are some heavy hitting albums that have a lot to boast about! Everybody made money out here! But how do they compare to each other? Let’s start out with Crucial Conflict.

“Hay”

In case you didn’t know “Hay” is a metaphor for mary jane, or more accurately a very stupid metaphor. How in the hell did this song sell any copies? First of all, that chorus is really annoying and way off key.

 “haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay in the middle of the baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnn”

It’s just irritating. How many times do you have to say the word "hay" in one song? We get it. As a matter of fact it seems like a lot of terms are repeated over and over and over in this song, let’s do a word count:

"Smoke" / "Smoking": 27 times

"Hay": 38 times

"Barn": 18 times

Good grief. Overkill much? This song should lose just for that. It’s annoying to begin with but to repeat it that many times in four minutes or whatever is not acceptable. Add to that a lot of mouth harp and someone saying “tore up from the floor up” and you got yourself a losing song. In addition, the beat is muddy and not very interesting and Crucial Conflict sounds like a knockoff of Bone and this one is in the bag, Bone should have no problem killing this song dead…except that we’re not dealing with Bone, we're dealing with Mo Thugs…on a money making side project.

BUT WAIT! Before we move on we should at least take a look at the vocal content from the boys right? I mean Coldhard, Wildstyle, Kilo, and Never put a lot of work into this track and we should at least mention who spits the best, right? Nope. All of the verses are basically the same thing and they're not very good. Hay, barn, hay, barn, done. The delivery and the flow is bad (terrible for the last verse), we've got forced accents again and the topic is extremely redundant. All four of these guys deliver a wack verse, it was true in 1996 and it's true today. End. Now onto Bone...

“Ghetto Cowboy”

I guess a good place to start is to say that long ago the comparison of Crucial Conflict to Bone got so heated that it eventually turned into a real life feud! With real anger and everything! Let's fuel that fire here and say that Bone is much better! Let’s just look at the numbers. By the time Hay came out Bone had won tons of major music industry awards and had sold around twenty million albums (seriously), riding the wave, the Mo Thugs had also sold over a million albums. But sales aren’t everything; in fact, the Mo Thugs might have a challenge ahead of them here because this song looks like it SUCKS.
 




Okay so what about Ghetto Cowboy? Well, it has a western cowboy theme that kind of punches you in the face (much like Hay with the whole 'barn' thing)). I mean holy shit, it’s like they wanted to erase all doubt that this was a wild west theme song (even if you heard it without seeing the horrible video you’d know). Harmonica, check. Mosey along beat, check. Laid back sound, check. LOTS OF WILD WEST REFERENCES, CHECK! I mean, is this what kids were listening to back in 1998? Really? Or was Bone big enough that they could just push out any trash and people would buy it up? At least this song isn’t so annoying that I want to jump out of the window (Thug Queen is annoying, but not as bad as Crucial Conflict. Same league, different team...or something like that, same voice.).

Okay so let’s round up the verses, partner, and I think I’ll keep a tally of the cowboy lines (never mind, every line is a cowboy line).

Alright, so this is a story rap punctuated with the okay singing of Felecia. I’m not going to say that any of it is good, but even with all the cliché it's better than Hay (which is completely unbearable). So the first to spit is a full-fledged Thug in Harmony, Krayzie Bone (with a crazy name spelling to boot (cowboy boot? Lol?)) and his voice and flow match the beat pretty well. His verse is something about being wanted for thievery, so he heads west to rob some banks. Of course, it’s just him and his sawed-off and he’s got to watch out for “the mayor”, “the law”, and “them damn injuns“. Yep, that’s in a 1998 song. Insensitive. Also, are you kidding me Krayzie Bone? I guess it fits the context of the song, but Krayzie is clearly an idiot.

After setting up the story, our racist hero encounters a woman hiding in the bushes, and it’s none other than Thug Queen, and she’s got a sawed-off shotgun too! Since both of them are outlaws they decide to team up and head to Tucson for some bank robbin’. The verse is fine, I guess. Thug Queen has a really, really irritating voice but she never has more than a couple of lines, so she’s tolerable since she mostly back-and-forths with Krayzie. It is weird to have someone rapping about stealing horses though. Weird and dumb.

After the chorus we switch over to Layzie Bone who is waiting for his friend in a saloon (duh). He has noticed Krayzie’s wanted poster and is preparing for trouble. Right away it’s clear that Layzie is going to win best verse, just because of his delivery (and he doesn’t blunder saying “Tucson, Arizona”). So he meets a guy named Powder Pete (lol) and THEY team up. Sheesh. This guy plays the same role as Thug Queen in the previous verse in that he just gets introduced and spits a few lines. Nothing great. The song transitions to a back-and-forth between Krayzie and Layzie (which sound like names of the Seven Dwarfs) and it just sort of rides out from there. They all make their introductions and nothing else happens. This is just a song where established rappers introduce their fan base to new rappers….literally. Lots of introducin'.

Just to be clear, this is the content of the Wild West song in it's entireity: Krayzie is wanted and meets a woman while he heads west. Okay. Boring. Next, Layzie is in a saloon and warns someone about making trouble, teams up with them, then he meets up with Krayzie and they head out. Okay. Boring. This is a song about meeting up before a heist. Just meeting people. That’s it. Why not rap about the heist? MEETING PEOPLE and CRIMINAL BACKGROUNDS! THAT’S IT. Now that I’m thinking about it, isn’t that pretty much what all rap is? I mean, add in listing the things you have and all rap is basically this. Meet a guy, share your criminal background, describe your stuff, sell a million records. RAP!

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In the end, I wanted this to be a classic Tortoise General post where I hate both songs and I just dump all over both of them and get all this negative energy out of my system, but that didn’t happen because the Bone song is okay. Like if it came on the radio I would be annoyed but I would listen to it and appreciate some of the lyrics and make fun of all the western gimmicks. On the flip side, if Crucial Conflict’s Hay came on the radio I would intentionally crash my car into a river. I would escape of course, but at least the song would die with the car. It’s a really bad hit song. So Bone won with a landslide, in fact, this wasn’t even really fair.

Hay Score 0/10
Ghetto Cowboy Score 3/10

Now that's a landslide: 3-0.