J. Cole "Power Trip" Fan Review

First a Drake video and now a J. Cole video? How we gone soft? No. We were mocking Canada's "finest" and now we reviewing a song by a guy we genuinely respect: J. Cole (due to his skills) and, plus, I wanted to see his new video. Is that a crime, detective? No.

Actually, even though I like J. Cole, I haven't been spinning his shit much lately because even though he has skills, he still raps A LOT about the LADIES and he has a lot of singing. No thank you. Call me for Grown Simba 3 or whatever.

So this video is new to me, as is this song. But it will surprise you to discover that we're not reviewing the video, we're going to see what the commenters have to say on youtube.  People are dumb and their comments are worse. So let's check out the video and then see what people had to say about it.  

J. Cole!



So the video is that Cole kills a dude. Whatever.com.

I pulled these comments on April 10, 2013 from the official YouTube upload.

wtf happen indeed. Next.

Hahah! Brian, never change. Except maybe get an education. You're an idiot.

Okay. So there is a lot of this:

I guarantee that this video makes sense without seeing "dreams". Cole is obsessed, Cole murders the boyfriend. What's so hard to understand? Does everyone online think that they're smarter than everyone else (like me)? Does everyone think they have the inside scoop? Good grief. Cole makes this connection in the lyrics of the song, stupid. You suck and your ability to figure out that this song ties into another song is silly, and then you tell everyone like you cured cancer? Did you also know that R. Kelly has a shit load of songs that fit together? Did you?

But these countless idiots are no match for the stupidity of the people who actually need to point out that Miguel is not actually dead:

Are you kidding me, whatsupin2012, you freaking jackass?

Really? That is so interesting. A makeup artist! Is her day job at Macy's or a funeral home?

And some good news:

Keep it up, Nyjae!

Yeah. I hate those two groups of people and I'm definitely not in either group at all.

Gary Perkins, do you have anything smart to add?

HAHA! Classic Gary. This video shows police harassment at its worst: a cop pulls over a suspicious vehicle (and checks the trunk (with consent apparently)) and then he lets them go. What a jerk. The funny thing is that the cop was actually right about his suspicions...he had two murderers there, so he was literally doing the job the community pays him to do. I'm no fan of police, but in this case, Muguel's family might want some answers.... Anyway, Gary, you're a genius. We might be able to be friends! Let's check your other comments...

HOLY SHIT! Never mind. I'm a WELL DOCUMENTED Nelly hater, and this is unforgivable. We can never be friends. I hope you end up in St. Louis some day. It's the worst.

IN CONCLUSION: What a lot of fun we had together doing this. To J. Cole, make better music. To J. Cole's fans: you're stupid, 3 hunna.

POWER TRIP SCORE: 3
J. COLE FAN AVERAGE IQ: 3

Drake "5AM In Toronto" Video Review

Think about the dentist. You know that little water gun they put in your mouth to wash out the bad tastes and chemicals? That little spritzer thing? Well, you're probably going to need one of those because we're about to gather together and watch Drake's video for "5AM in Toronto". And you're probably going to vomit into your mouth a lot (like a gallon). Then you can use that dentist water sprayer to clean out the terrible taste of Drake's shit video.

So, I don't think we've talked too much about Drake, except to identify that his fans are complete idiots. They're the absolute worst (both Drake and his fans). Personally, I'm not a fan. I think his music caters to the ladies and also to stupid kids or something. Whoever he makes his music for, it's not me (the hip hop professional blog owner and official hater). Plus, I haven't ran the numbers yet, but I suspect that Canada is the worst at rap. Oh, wait. I have ran the numbers. Canada sux at rap. Just look at these two images from our archives:

See? That's proof positive. Anyway. Let's get to video. Hopefully it will be amazing and erase all of the bad feelings we have about our stupid neighbor to the north.




In hindsight, who gives a shit about Toronto in general, much less what happens at 5am there? Nobody. I mean this in the nicest way, but Toronto is a shit city. Nobody ever thinks about it. And at 5am there people are sleeping or getting ready for work. They're fucking grumpy. Especially in the endless winter of Canada. So is it any surprise that nothing fucking happens in the video? 

So what happens at 5AM in Toronto accoring to Drake?

Standing around, barley moving, while having a smoke and a drink. Moththerfucker, I call this break time for the kitchen crew at Denny's. Not hip hop shit. This is every bus stop in Philly ALL THE TIME. Fucking drunks freezing and smoking while waiting for nothing to happen. #philly #allday


So real.

This is just normal shit. And those two dudes in the background. How much did you have to pay them to get up at five in the fucking moring to stand around while you rap. You all look tired. "Just get some sleep and we'll pick this up later" - what the director should have said, but the director was clearly Drake's mom.

Things get exciting when Drake decides to walk across a parking lot and enter a building! WOW! Amazing visual. Give that director all the MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS. In fact, cancel the mtv awards, this video just won them all.  So where is Drake going? Is he on grill? "Break's over, deadbeat, clean the tables. Oh, and breaks are only ten minutes Jimmy Brooks." - Denny's manager.

Oh. Now the video cuts and we're following someone inside a club. It's so sick in there. What do we see? Bar. Bikini. Smoke. Stupid hat. What a cool place. Toronto.

See the background in that picture? It's a beach volleyball court. Because Toronto is known for its beach volleyball. Nothing else happens in the video or in Toronto. Drake Raps at a tea table while four girls stand around looking cold and tired in the Volleyball pit. Then the power goes out and they break out the flashlights.

Thanks for showing the world Toronto's famous unreliable power grid. Fuck it. Then Drake leaves the volleyball beach party alone (well, with his boys). Sad.

"Volleyball" is one word. All Canadians are stupid.

Done. So let's review how Drake represented Toronto: Looking tired as hell. Standing in a cold parking lot looking lonley. Showing a pretty shitty and normal bar. Showing the saddest beach "volley ball" that the world has ever known. Suffering through a brown out. And showing that Canadians can't spell and are stupid. Perfect video Drake, you make my job easy.  you're basically making fun of yourself and your horrible city for me. Easy street. I wrote this in less than a minute. I have time to go out in a real city and get mugged by real hooligans, none of that watered down Toronto shit.

You know the stupidest thing about this video? I didn't give a shit what Drake was rapping about. Not because of the video (which was dumb), and not because of the beat (which was dumber, except at the end when the break drops), but because his raps were uninteresting. How is this shit a hit song? How does this deserve a video? You can do better than this Drake. Canada can do better. We can all do better. Give me my 3:37 back, jackass.

5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (song)
5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (actually being there)

Visit one of Canada's two shit holes*: Toronto
*the other one is Vancouver

DJ Honda + Jeru tha Damaja "El Presidente" Video Review

Today we're going to review the video for a little known Jeru the Damaja song from 2000 called "El Presidente". 2000! That's almost Jeru's heyday.

Before we start I want to be very clear: we highly respect Mr. Damaja around here and refuse to shit on his work. He's a legend. He's also very good at Twitter:

Hoover Damaja instagr.am/p/Jdi3RmkNJU/

— Jeru The Damaja (@Jeruthedamaja) April 16, 2012

HAHAH? Anyway. The song is illy even though I'm not much of a DJ Honda fan. Enjoy the track, then we'll examine the weird ass video...






Well, the first thing that I notice is that this is from DJ Honda Films. The powerhouse of Hollywood.

Next we see Jeru, dressed in his traditional sun touching gear: camo. Perfect. Plus the minds at DJ Honda films decided to go innovative and have the video take place under a bridge. Very industrial. Nothing surprising at all here. This is grade A generic. Why in the hell are they under that bridge? Was it the only parking available? "Yo Son, Joy Garden is having a coupon or some shit, we had to park way over on Newport and hoof it. It's mad dank and musty under here." - Jeru (probably).

Then we have the normal street corner "club" set up with lots of logos and not many people in the crowd. Remember when Public Enemy had a street concert and the shit was packed? Look at this: Are they just rehearsing?

DJ Honda: 8 People Max

PE: Loads of people

I guess it's to be expected. Who's heard of DJ Honda anyway? Nobody. Get ya crowdz up.

Then it's a lot of normal spittin' in the street. That's pretty much the deal with rap videos, right? 

Now, Jeru's hat isn't normal for videos, but there it is. And everything else: par for the course.

Then we finally get something new, and it ties into the El Presidente theme! Jeru is making a political speech...at a podium and everything. So professional.

Looky...he's got guards (hey ladies) and everything. A guy (secret service) is even talking on a walkie talkie!

There is a lot more rapping, then Presidente Damaja orders his Secretary of Wax to play in traffic (literally)!

"GET OUT OF THE ROAD YOU DARN PUNKS, I'LL...oh, Mr. Presidente....I didn't realize..." Then DJ Honda is riding around the city in a stretched Navigator limo. He's poppin' bottles, and scratching records on his guard's lap.

Now that's a party? Then, suddenly, Jeru is in the limo with a lady. Where's ya turntable, lady? Also, what happened to Honda? Was he carjacked? Was the limo commandeered for official presidential business? Is this a different limo?

Jeru is in the limo for for exactly one second, then it cuts to Presidente Damaja taking a lady, uh, "upstairs". She drops rose pedals on him while he raps.


So romantic


Then he's back at the limo, then he's back at the podium, then he's back in the hotel. Presidente, you scad. But wait. Suddenly, flower pedal lady assassinates Jeru while DJ Honda watches. WHAT? I thought you two were bros. I thought Jeru and that lady were truly in love. Now this. WHAT A SHOCKING TWIST.

Was DJ Honda was against you all along Jeru? Maybe because you made him spin in traffic? Or because you didn't pack out that block party? OR MAYBE BECASUE YOU JACKED HIS LIMO? I don't know! Is Jeru dead? Nope. He's at the podium. BUT NOW HIS GUARDS GET A MESSAGE ON THEIR EARBUDS (not Air Bud). They are probably being told that Jeru just got assassinated in the previous scene.

What is going on? Is someone else going to assassinate him? I'll hand it to these guys, when Honda and Jeru get together anything could happen (like one of them gets stabbed).

What might happen? Where is this all going? Well, if you guessed that Jeru would smoke a cigar with the guy who just watched him get stabbed, you were right! Have a cigar!
 

UH. Did he try to kill you or not?

Then there is more rapping and DJing. Specifically, more backseat DJing.

"Is that the Statue of Liberty?"   --or--
"I have to figure this DJing thing out before I get to Jeru's house"

Then there is a shit ton of scratching. And finally Jeru's guards just wander off. A perfect fitting end to a perfect nonsensical video.

Uh, ladies, where are you going?

IN CONCLUSION: Jeru comes correct, but that video was shit.

EL PRESIDENTE SONG 8/10
EL PRESIDENTE VIDEO 3/10

U-God's Resume #55, "Uzi (Pinky Ring)"

--Official Stats--
Artist: Wu-Tang Clan
Song: "Uzi (Pinky Ring)"

Producer: RZA
Album: Iron Flag
Release Date: December 18, 2001{intro}

Hey now! This song isn't so bad! I remember it. Plus I remember that it had a video. So you know what that means? This is a VIDEO REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Uzi (Pinky Ring)"

I guess I should start by saying that this is the first single off of the album, it's produced by the RZA, and it has a verse from every member of the Clan except for Cappadonna (who was in time-out for this album). The beat is pretty good. I mean, it's not vintage Wu (becasue it's got that polished sound that nobody wants to hear), but it's still a good beat. Plus the chours is okay!

Let's get it!

U-God starts us off talking over the intro:

"Yo...yeah. Don't erase none of that good shit in the beginning. Yo.. spill drinks on ya, get stank on ya. Yo.. yo.. pinky ring shit, yo. That pinky ring shit yo."


Then things improve greatly as the song jumps right into a verse. But in the video we're treated to embarassment as a shitty looking CGI bee flys around looking all cheap ass. Here we go again with something wack, the Wu just can't seem to get their shit 100% together.



High Tech Shit.


U kicks off the track with the first verse, and it's good:

"It's that pinky ring shit, the legend of masked kid
Shoot out the speakers when my guns get jurassic
Superbad, who am I? Dolemite classic
The vandal's back, hands on Angela Bassett
I handle my plastic, gunplay I mastered
No coke, dope mixed down with acid on record
Broken down and crafted in seconds
Lady's choice, the golden voice still peppered
Better, respect it, bitch believe
I pull rabbits out the hat, tricks up my sleeves
I air out the showroom, the shit can breathe
Fix your weave, behold my expertise"


What was the budget for this tin foil and marker sign? A MILLION WU DOLLARS?

Things are sounding so right. The "Guns get Jurassic" line is the shit. Shout to U. This is his second appearance on Iron Flag, and his second good verse. He's at 100% dopeness. But, yo, why is the video so wack? Another "club" video? Didn't the Wu just do that with that "Jump Off" bullshit? Plus, Wu music isn't exactly club music, right? It's introspective deep shit. Whatev. So U spits in his winter wear (hat and coat) surrounded by two ladies. Okay.





Somebody call a dentist.



Seriously, this video is just normal and boring AND CHEAP. So the CGI bee that nobody wants to see is back as the average chorus kicks in:

"I got my uzi back -- you dudes is wack, face it the Wu is back"

Was the uzi gone at some point? What do they mean by Uzi? Are they really rapping back with wack and back again? Ehhhh?

HAHhaa! Video art courtesy of Mrs. Dewey's second grade class.

Good old Raekwon is next. His verse is good too. But yo! Where did the money go for this video? Seriously. Rae is also with two ladies in the cheapest set I've ever seen.



It looks great. Nice job, set department.

Next we get the chorus again, then Ghost comes in. Because, of course, would RZA ever not put Rae and Ghost together? No. Apparently there is no other way to order the MCs. Lame. 



Poor Ghost. Mr. Killah, you're too good for this low budget shit. Especially when you bring one of the better verses of the song. Plus, shout to the RZA for the nice change up in the beat. If you close your eyes so you don't see the cheap ass videy, and just listen to the verse, the pain goes away. Weird.



The tradition of Wu-Violence against Women continues.



Ghost spits in a shitty looking "rich guy" apartment with "framed art" and everything. Also, two ladies, AGAIN. I guess it's the theme of the video. "Everyone will have two ladies and it will be great" - The Director.

Plus we get a new twist on the whole "Wu Tang Clan treats women poorly" routine, with Ghost pushing a dancer out of the way by the head (U-God is usually the one beating on the ladies, but the whole clan can do it too). Now all we need is RZA to give the finger and this will be a completely normal Wu video (lame).

Is this your card?

Chorus again. Then RZA stops in to drop science nonsense. But he doesn't get a cheap ass intro sign. Why not? Actually, the verse is fire and so is the segment in the video. Yo. When RZA calls out the playing cards and tosses them in the video, it was over. RZA wins (even though he only has one lady in his cheap ass looking office). 

Then, unbelieveably, things get even better (with the song anyway, the video is still cheap as hell), as Method Mad jumps in over a major change up on the beat and successfully follows RZA's dope verse.



Mad different methods to the way we make the nameplates

Things are very different for Method's segment. He gets a ton of ladies and a set that looks okay. I see who the star is. Plus, his verse is nice with that "same advice that I gave my wife...". Everyone is bringing their "A" game. And a quick calculation tells me that the last three guys are three of my favorites in the clan: Deck, GZA, and Masta Killa.





So Deck is next and of course gets the cheap ass sign treatment too:





Yep. It looks like shit, put it in the video



Deck get's to spit on another generic set, this time it's in a women's boxing gym. Neat. I've only seen that a hundred times before. But at least his verse is on the same level as everyone else - which is good.

Yeah, it is a women's gym, so what?

Hold up, Deck's lines are so good, as usual, that I have to call one of the out:"Creepin' through the states on V8's and 12's / My weight is held, fuck with me then brace yourself"

Masta Killa is next and he somehow escapes humiliation and doesn't get a cheap ass sign. His verse is fire from the first line: "This is grown man talkin, coward I split your head..."



Masta Killa's set: cardboard + 1 Lady



Fuck, Masta Killa is the best. His closing line is supreme:"Floatin' on the 95, sting like a killa bee / your hands can't hit what your eyes cant see..."

Then we have GZA to wrap it up...

You can see the fucking lines from the Sharpie.

Now, GZA does his thing and spits a well crafted verse. But I have to ask: what in the fuck happened to the GZA? He doesn't sound like one of the Clan. He doesn't have any energy, his verse sounds like it was recorded hundreds of miles away from everyone else, and he just is lacking. This was my favorite MC ever. Liquid Swords is my shit. This is not the guy from Liquid Swords. The shit sounds so forced, like he forgot how to spit raw and have fun. It's like he lost his heart. Wizard of Oz shit. 

I don't want to blast the GZA or his master status, but shit. I gotta call it how I see it.

IN CONCLUSION: What a cheap ass video. Crap. Garbage. Everyone delivers a good verse and despite having to deal with a cheap ass video. Skip the video, spin the song. Done. Oh, Masta Killa won best verse.

Track Score: 8/10 

U-God’s Score: 7/10

Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Improves

 

Next Week: On to the next one. Iron Flag's next U-God joint "One of These Days". I seem to remember that it's a good track too! Tune in!



About this series: “U-God’s Resume" is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.

Get Lo like a Zombo