Monday, April 8, 2013

Drake "5AM In Toronto" Video Review

Think about the dentist. You know that little water gun they put in your mouth to wash out the bad tastes and chemicals? That little spritzer thing? Well, you're probably going to need one of those because we're about to gather together and watch Drake's video for "5AM in Toronto". And you're probably going to vomit into your mouth a lot (like a gallon). Then you can use that dentist water sprayer to clean out the terrible taste of Drake's shit video.

So, I don't think we've talked too much about Drake, except to identify that his fans are complete idiots. They're the absolute worst (both Drake and his fans). Personally, I'm not a fan. I think his music caters to the ladies and also to stupid kids or something. Whoever he makes his music for, it's not me (the hip hop professional blog owner and official hater). Plus, I haven't ran the numbers yet, but I suspect that Canada is the worst at rap. Oh, wait. I have ran the numbers. Canada sux at rap. Just look at these two images from our archives:

See? That's proof positive. Anyway. Let's get to video. Hopefully it will be amazing and erase all of the bad feelings we have about our stupid neighbor to the north.

In hindsight, who gives a shit about Toronto in general, much less what happens at 5am there? Nobody. I mean this in the nicest way, but Toronto is a shit city. Nobody ever thinks about it. And at 5am there people are sleeping or getting ready for work. They're fucking grumpy. Especially in the endless winter of Canada. So is it any surprise that nothing fucking happens in the video? 

So what happens at 5AM in Toronto accoring to Drake?

Standing around, barley moving, while having a smoke and a drink. Moththerfucker, I call this break time for the kitchen crew at Denny's. Not hip hop shit. This is every bus stop in Philly ALL THE TIME. Fucking drunks freezing and smoking while waiting for nothing to happen. #philly #allday

So real.
This is just normal shit. And those two dudes in the background. How much did you have to pay them to get up at five in the fucking moring to stand around while you rap. You all look tired. "Just get some sleep and we'll pick this up later" - what the director should have said, but the director was clearly Drake's mom.

Things get exciting when Drake decides to walk across a parking lot and enter a building! WOW! Amazing visual. Give that director all the MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS. In fact, cancel the mtv awards, this video just won them all.  So where is Drake going? Is he on grill? "Break's over, deadbeat, clean the tables. Oh, and breaks are only ten minutes Jimmy Brooks." - Denny's manager.

Oh. Now the video cuts and we're following someone inside a club. It's so sick in there. What do we see? Bar. Bikini. Smoke. Stupid hat. What a cool place. Toronto.

See the background in that picture? It's a beach volleyball court. Because Toronto is known for its beach volleyball. Nothing else happens in the video or in Toronto. Drake Raps at a tea table while four girls stand around looking cold and tired in the Volleyball pit. Then the power goes out and they break out the flashlights.

Thanks for showing the world Toronto's famous unreliable power grid. Fuck it. Then Drake leaves the volleyball beach party alone (well, with his boys). Sad.

"Volleyball" is one word. All Canadians are stupid.
Done. So let's review how Drake represented Toronto: Looking tired as hell. Standing in a cold parking lot looking lonley. Showing a pretty shitty and normal bar. Showing the saddest beach "volley ball" that the world has ever known. Suffering through a brown out. And showing that Canadians can't spell and are stupid. Perfect video Drake, you make my job easy.  you're basically making fun of yourself and your horrible city for me. Easy street. I wrote this in less than a minute. I have time to go out in a real city and get mugged by real hooligans, none of that watered down Toronto shit.

You know the stupidest thing about this video? I didn't give a shit what Drake was rapping about. Not because of the video (which was dumb), and not because of the beat (which was dumber, except at the end when the break drops), but because his raps were uninteresting. How is this shit a hit song? How does this deserve a video? You can do better than this Drake. Canada can do better. We can all do better. Give me my 3:37 back, jackass.

5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (song)
5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (actually being there)

Visit one of Canada's two shit holes*: Toronto
*the other one is Vancouver

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