U-God's Resume #45, Blondie "No Exit"

--Official Stats--
Artist: Blondie feat. U-God, Inspectah Deck, Mobb Deep, and Coolio
Song: "No Exit Remix"
Producer: Craig Leon
Album: No Exit
Release Date: October 22, 1999

Blondie? Really? Now this might surprise you, but I am a Blondie fan. I actualy own and listen to their music (Blondie is a band, Deborah Harry is the singer). You might also be surprised to learn that Blondie gets earned respect from older hip hop heads for helping bring hip hop into the mainstream back in the day. Rapture by Blondie was the first #1 rap song in the world (you would probably know the hook from KRS-ONE's sample of the song in his later version of "Rapture"). So that means that the first time most of the planet heard this shizzle called rap, they were listening to Blondie. And surprisingly Deborah wasn't softballing it, her hook is FIRE. Sure her rhymes were terrible nonsense (I mean unbearablely bad), but she did introduce this dope shit that was going down in NY to the world. Nice job.

But Rapture was in 1980, what in the hell is this 1999 No Exit shit and why is U-God on it? I'm assuming that this is a comeback album for Blondie, which is a bad sign. Plus, I'm going to guess that this is rock and roll / hip hop fusion, which I hate (even if it is Blondie, who were the original fusers). I guess it's time that we actually get some facts: my assumptions were correct. Except that this is a hip hop / rock / classical fusion (that's too many things). And, this song is identified and was given away as a "souvenir", uh-oh. Plus, I see like five versions of the track out there, UH-OH. PLUS, Mobb Deep and the Wu members on this track are identified as "the Loud Allstars" UUUHHH-OOHHH. I stongly suspect that this song will be the worst.

But I've never heard this before, and it's crammed with artists I respect and Coolio, so it might be good. Let's give it a listen...


"No Exit"



Well, that's something. That's too much. Too much organ. Too much Coolio. Too much Blondie raps. What a mess, right? I mean Deborah's introduction is appaling. She is trying way too hard and her hat is really surprising in a bad way. I don't know what she's saying but it sounds really bad. I never want to hear that again FOREVER-EVER-EVER. But just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, we have Coolio to set the bar even lower. What a crappy rapper. His flow and voice are a nightmare. What is was he doing with his life? How does this shit get on wax? And his trademark Coolio hair...was that still a thing in 1999?

Well, I'll be honest. I really don't want to see my favorite rappers in this video. I don't want them to share the stage with Blondie and Coolio. I don't want them on this song. Who thought it would be a good idea to put the hardest core, violentest rappers (Mobb Deep) up there with Blondie? Not to mention Deck (who is an animal on the mic). I'm very nervous.

We go from Coolio into a terrible little chorus bridge thing. The one thing that Blondie should be great at....is terrible. "And when you least expect it...."

Prodigy is up first and kills this shit. 4real. It's like the whole song changes once he spits his first line, and he keeps the heat all the way trough his short verse with some traditional Mobb Deep shit that I actually would pay to hear. This kind of sounds like a Havoc beat and Prodigy does his thing. That guy is a pro. He'll be very tough to beat lyrically. I did least expect that.


U-God and Coolio

Our boy U-God is up next, and we've already established that he sounds okay on guitar heavy tracks, and he kills this shit too. In fact, he should hire the producer of this track to always manage his voice, because his shit sounds perfect. He flows well over the beat and I can (gratefully) say that he holds his own after Prodigy. That's saying a lot. So let me be clear: U-God comes correct and bodies this.

Then we have the chorus "Whooooo's gooonnaa fight for yooouuuuu", and I hate it.

To close out the track we have another Mobb Deep / Wu set up with Havoc and Deck. Just writing that made me happy, the Loud Allstars are ill. Havoc delivers exactly what you would expect. He's not as good as Prodigy but he's a hell of a lot better than anyone else behind the mic. But to be honest, I'm finding it hard to concentrate because I know that Deck is up next and he is one of my all time favorites. I know that he usually destroys everyone else with just his first line.

Inspectah Deck and Coolio

And sure enough, as soon as I hear his trademark "Yo!" over the top of Havoc I'm sold. He's the MC to beat here. Let's see...his verse is incredible as usual. We close it out with another dose of the chorus and some rocking that I never want to expose my children too, but the I gotta say, this collection of MC's was a smart move. The lyrical level is through the roof. This is honestly a Wu Tang + Mobb Deep collabo, all you have to do is skip the Deborah Harry and especially the Coolio and this could be a classic! I'm stunned. Let's start a movement:

DELETE DEBORAH AND COOLIO FROM NO EXIT

Retweet it! Sign the online petition! Make a online petition! Do it! For #hiphop! #loudallstars

Track Score: 6/10 (if you took out Deborah Harry's verse and Coolio this would have been a 9)
U-God’s Score: 8/10
Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Harms (Nobody heard this one)

Next Week: MOM "Mr. Onsomeothershits". Yep. I've never heard of it either. It'll probably stink.

--U-God Lyrics--

Out of the darkness, spark this total chaos
Mark to scheme the hardest, nothing can save us
All that is sacred, dearly departed
Braveheart slave brave contains something courageous
Salute shining armor, persona rip stages
Loud as Nirvana, beneath the golden ages
The road rash explode, little rigor that devour
Don't cry for me, I'm bout drunk off the power

About this series: U-God’s Resume is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.



Deck and U-God (and maybe Prodigy).



Line vs. Line: Cormega "Killaz Theme" vs. Climate Change

Hi! Let me tell you this right now: you don't want it.

Today we're staging a completely unfair and nonsensical rap battle: Cormega & Mobb Deep vs. whoever the victim is going to be. Let's see, should we select a contender who might have a chance like DMX or M.O.P.? Or, uh, NAS? No way! We have to go bigger. Cormega is a great rapper and Mobb Deep are also very good and very violent. Plus the song they're serving up today is called "Killaz Theme" so you know it'll be brutal. So we'll have to pick someone who is huge..a beast...or maybe something huge. In idea? An epidemic?  How about CLIMATE CHANGE?! YES! Why not? That seems like it's pretty unstoppable, right? Can Cormega stop climate change with his flawless rapping, or will climate change defeat our QBC hero?

So, that's a great the best idea but I'm not sure how we can pull this off. After all, climate change is kind of a silent and slow killer... and it doesn't have a mouth to spit from. So we'll have to select some representatives. How about some actual Climate Scientists? Perfect. They know their stuff, but will their rap skills be up to par? Let's find out.

BATTLE BEGIN:

THE CHALLENGER:

Artist: Climate Scientists
Song: "I'm a Climate Scientist"
Release Date: January 2012

THE CHAMPION:

Artist: Cormega feat. Mobb Deep
Track: "Killaz Theme"
Release Date: February 2005

DING DING DING!

So let's start with the challenger, actual climate scientists.

AIRHORN! With how powerful climate change is, you'd think it would find better people to represent it's case. Okay. First of all, what's with the foul language you morons? It undermines your whole point, plus it sounds dumb in your science raps. Second, your science raps are duuuuummmmbbb anyway. I don't want to go off on another anti-intellectual, anti-rich-oppressor tangent, but you rich assholes and your attempts at rapping are pathetic and insulting. Take a hike, jerks. Did you come up with these rhymes at your lake cabin or in your secure loft? Did it sound great in your 2012 Audi that you bought with cash?

SCUM

Listen, scientists = rich, and rich people want poor people dead, and poor people are you. It's that simple. They just want to make a difference get more money because they care about their rich friends. These appalling jerks might have a point about the climate and the danger to everyone, but a lot of people are just barely making it and starving and living in the worst conditions imaginable. And these guys are wasting all the time on shit like this? Let me ask you this: how much climate change and destruction would it take to make you stop rapping about climate change? What about to take that silver spoon out of your organic yuppie soy mouth? Because I want that amount of climate change...the amount to shut up rich people who think they're so smart with their peer-reviewed papers and their painfully used profanity. You know, how is it that you get your stupid science papers peer reveiwed, but you didn't get any official rappers to peer review this shit? You could have just asked Camron or even Bow Wow, even they would have sent your shit back and said to check your rhymes. 

Scientists, reconsider your lives and find better ways to save your oppressive friends than rapping. I'll tell you right now, you're in trouble in this rap battle. Anything with any artistic merit will kill you. You can't science your way out of this one. This is hollow, shallow, pretentious garbage takes an art form I love and abuses it in unspeakable ways. Save the planet in a way that doesn't make me want to vomit. Actually just do your jobs and shut up.

Preach. Oh, let me just say, dope-scientists, the next song is real hip hop (what you thought you were duplicating).

Something is wack

NOW FOR THE CHAMPION!

If you don't know who Cormega is then why are you reading my blog? He's one of the best. He could easily defeat almost anyone in a rap battle. To make matters worse for those wack scientists, for this track he teamed up with some of his neighbors from Queensbridge, Queens who are also good at rapping: Mobb Deep. Let's see what they're bringing to the table and if they can outrap those jackass scientists:

Get the police tape. What can I say? How about this:

...you transparent, see through.
Rhymes, fully automated, you semi-crime related,
Cormega and Mobb Deep rhyme amazin'
Thug shit you can't fuck with, what?

See, I think Mega is right. Havoc, do you have anything to add?

QBC Representative / I'm just tryin'a live

If I can't get to you, I'ma take it to ya kids

Hey scientists, think you should have stepped your rhyme game up now? Didn't realize what league you were playing in? Just trying to have fun? Well, lets go back to the experts:

Mega poetic, rhymes are like dimes, but no credit

I'll leave your mind paralyzed, dunn, but don't wet it

Or...

You know we kick the truth, you wanna clap us
I got this, strictly out the mouth, nothin' but hot shit
Pop shit, couldn't fuck with this, when we drop shit
You helpless, put your whole shit outta service

No need for more debate, the winner is:
"Killaz Theme"
CORMEGA feat. Mobb Deep


Congratulate our winner!

Okay, so I know you're thinking that this wasn't a fair contest, it's like putting a normal scientist in the ring against Mike Tyson. It's a one shot K.O.. Ka-Plow! And you're right. The point I want to make is that I HATE it when rich scientists or doctors or anyone tries to rap as a cute gimmick because they think it's a piece of cake to make something that people actually want to listen to. Nobody wants to listen to science raps. I especially have a problem with these educated people who think that they're so smart that they can master rapping: "Tisk,if the under classes can do it, we can certainly master it." - the rich.

Hey rich scientists, NOBODY EVER WANTS TO HEAR YOU RAP. It's not funny and it's not cute and you can't do it. You can squeeze every single drop out of your post graduate degrees and your research institutes, but you still wont't be able to rap. You'll never win anyone over and you'll never fit in - you lose.

"I say, I've earned my doctorate, so now I shall turn my attention to pandering to the human garbage morons who waste their lives online, and I shall rap so that they pay attention and I shall teach so that they may take something from me."

You know, I wish the people would rise up and stop all of this. We can do it. How much will we let them take? How long must we tolerate their colleges and their peer reviews? 

Killaz Theme Score 9/10

Climate Change Research Center Score 0/10

Centre for Strategic Economic Studies Score 0/10

School of Earth Sciences, University of Melbourne Score 0/10
Climate Futures Research Centre Macquarie University Score 0/10

Laboratoire De Meteorologie Dynamique Khomiss, Ecole Polytechnique Score 0/10