Thursday, April 26, 2012

Line vs. Line: Cormega "Killaz Theme" vs. Climate Change

Hi! Let me tell you this right now: you don't want it.

Today we're staging a completely unfair and nonsensical rap battle: Cormega & Mobb Deep vs. whoever the victim is going to be. Let's see, should we select a contender who might have a chance like DMX or M.O.P.? Or, uh, NAS? No way! We have to go bigger. Cormega is a great rapper and Mobb Deep are also very good and very violent. Plus the song they're serving up today is called "Killaz Theme" so you know it'll be brutal. So we'll have to pick someone who is huge..a beast...or maybe something huge. In idea? An epidemic?  How about CLIMATE CHANGE?! YES! Why not? That seems like it's pretty unstoppable, right? Can Cormega stop climate change with his flawless rapping, or will climate change defeat our QBC hero?

So, that's a great the best idea but I'm not sure how we can pull this off. After all, climate change is kind of a silent and slow killer... and it doesn't have a mouth to spit from. So we'll have to select some representatives. How about some actual Climate Scientists? Perfect. They know their stuff, but will their rap skills be up to par? Let's find out.



Artist: Climate Scientists
Song: "I'm a Climate Scientist"
Release Date: January 2012


Artist: Cormega feat. Mobb Deep
Track: "Killaz Theme"
Release Date: February 2005


So let's start with the challenger, actual climate scientists.

AIRHORN! With how powerful climate change is, you'd think it would find better people to represent it's case. Okay. First of all, what's with the foul language you morons? It undermines your whole point, plus it sounds dumb in your science raps. Second, your science raps are duuuuummmmbbb anyway. I don't want to go off on another anti-intellectual, anti-rich-oppressor tangent, but you rich assholes and your attempts at rapping are pathetic and insulting. Take a hike, jerks. Did you come up with these rhymes at your lake cabin or in your secure loft? Did it sound great in your 2012 Audi that you bought with cash?

Listen, scientists = rich, and rich people want poor people dead, and poor people are you. It's that simple. They just want to make a difference get more money because they care about their rich friends. These appalling jerks might have a point about the climate and the danger to everyone, but a lot of people are just barely making it and starving and living in the worst conditions imaginable. And these guys are wasting all the time on shit like this? Let me ask you this: how much climate change and destruction would it take to make you stop rapping about climate change? What about to take that silver spoon out of your organic yuppie soy mouth? Because I want that amount of climate change...the amount to shut up rich people who think they're so smart with their peer-reviewed papers and their painfully used profanity. You know, how is it that you get your stupid science papers peer reveiwed, but you didn't get any official rappers to peer review this shit? You could have just asked Camron or even Bow Wow, even they would have sent your shit back and said to check your rhymes. 

Scientists, reconsider your lives and find better ways to save your oppressive friends than rapping. I'll tell you right now, you're in trouble in this rap battle. Anything with any artistic merit will kill you. You can't science your way out of this one. This is hollow, shallow, pretentious garbage takes an art form I love and abuses it in unspeakable ways. Save the planet in a way that doesn't make me want to vomit. Actually just do your jobs and shut up.

Preach. Oh, let me just say, dope-scientists, the next song is real hip hop (what you thought you were duplicating).

Something is wack


If you don't know who Cormega is then why are you reading my blog? He's one of the best. He could easily defeat almost anyone in a rap battle. To make matters worse for those wack scientists, for this track he teamed up with some of his neighbors from Queensbridge, Queens who are also good at rapping: Mobb Deep. Let's see what they're bringing to the table and if they can outrap those jackass scientists:

Get the police tape. What can I say? How about this: transparent, see through.
Rhymes, fully automated, you semi-crime related,
Cormega and Mobb Deep rhyme amazin'
Thug shit you can't fuck with, what?

See, I think Mega is right. Havoc, do you have anything to add?

QBC Representative / I'm just tryin'a live
If I can't get to you, I'ma take it to ya kids

Hey scientists, think you should have stepped your rhyme game up now? Didn't realize what league you were playing in? Just trying to have fun? Well, lets go back to the experts:

Mega poetic, rhymes are like dimes, but no credit
I'll leave your mind paralyzed, dunn, but don't wet it


You know we kick the truth, you wanna clap us
I got this, strictly out the mouth, nothin' but hot shit
Pop shit, couldn't fuck with this, when we drop shit
You helpless, put your whole shit outta service

No need for more debate, the winner is:
"Killaz Theme"
CORMEGA feat. Mobb Deep

Congratulate our winner!
Okay, so I know you're thinking that this wasn't a fair contest, it's like putting a normal scientist in the ring against Mike Tyson. It's a one shot K.O.. Ka-Plow! And you're right. The point I want to make is that I HATE it when rich scientists or doctors or anyone tries to rap as a cute gimmick because they think it's a piece of cake to make something that people actually want to listen to. Nobody wants to listen to science raps. I especially have a problem with these educated people who think that they're so smart that they can master rapping: "Tisk,if the under classes can do it, we can certainly master it." - the rich.

Hey rich scientists, NOBODY EVER WANTS TO HEAR YOU RAP. It's not funny and it's not cute and you can't do it. You can squeeze every single drop out of your post graduate degrees and your research institutes, but you still wont't be able to rap. You'll never win anyone over and you'll never fit in - you lose.
"I say, I've earned my doctorate, so now I shall turn my attention to pandering to the human garbage morons who waste their lives online, and I shall rap so that they pay attention and I shall teach so that they may take something from me."
You know, I wish the people would rise up and stop all of this. We can do it. How much will we let them take? How long must we tolerate their colleges and their peer reviews? 

Killaz Theme Score 9/10
Climate Change Research Center Score 0/10
Centre for Strategic Economic Studies Score 0/10
School of Earth Sciences, University of Melbourne Score 0/10
Climate Futures Research Centre Macquarie University Score 0/10
Laboratoire De Meteorologie Dynamique Khomiss, Ecole Polytechnique Score 0/10

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