Thursday, October 11, 2012

Track Checker: Pier 1 Imports "Let's Coaching"

If you're a regular to this blog then you know that we love to bash any no-talent clown who thinks they can rap. Usually that means attacking university students, people from Idaho, and scientists. No big deal. Well, today we're turning our sights on some bullshit from Pier 1 Imports. You know, that terrible garbage store that sells outright junk to suckers who think that buying cheap crap makes their house look lavish. THAT STORE. Well, they're doing corporate raps. Do you think it will be good?

Honestly, in my life I haven't been in many Pier 1 stores (are they even around anymore?), but I did quickly notice the low, low quality of their products when I did visit. I'm not kidding, any manipulation of a product in their store will cause permanent damage. Set your keys on a table, it will scratch instantly. Sit in a chair, the wicker will break. It's all junk. 4 Realz.

It's safe to say that this track will be of the same quality as their products: a nightmare that nobody wants to exist. And yet here it is. Let's power through together. If you want...

We did it! No harm done. I guess I could learn from this video instead of mock it. Like how to connect with my readers.

"The key to the sale is to make a connection.
Why not start with a humorous question?"

Fucking great idea! Here is my humorous question for my readers (act like we just  met):

"The FUCK you doing here? I thought you were illiterate."

HAHAHAH! "You're great! You must have trained at Pier 1 Imports" - you.

Wow. It feels good to know how to do this shit. I'm already winning people over! Look at those "hits" on my "links"! Next, something about chairs.

"Might I suggest this Arapahoe?
You can mix and match the chairs, don't you know?
I know the type of chair that your looking for.
How about the Arapahoe? Or maybe the  L'amour?"

Boom! You sold me "The Arapahoe" as soon as you mentioned it twice.

This is a learning experience for me, so please allow me some time to review. If someone is new to my blog, I just make a joke, then suggest something to make the sale. Making the sale is easy! Right? Bam! Emeril! What's that? Your house has a lot of stairs? Well, since you'll hate climbing them all the time, might I suggest this blog post about BONE Thugs-N-Harmony, from our Arapahoe collection?

Wow! I made the sale! I CAN DO IT!

"Thanks for making this so much fun!
 I'm definitely coming back to Pier 1!"

I might have what it takes to work at Pier 1! If I can sell this blog, I can sell anything. Thank you Pier 1.

In Conclusion: Some people are born with the gift of rhyme. Some people practice and earn it. Some corporate entities try to be hip and wrap their sales approach in an affront to music to earn the hatred of their employees for something other than low pay. F-U P1I. I hope ALL your stores go out of business (if they haven't already). Are you so low that you manipulate your lonely customers with fake friendship only to take their hard earned money in exchange for a sweatshop chair? Yes. Please, cease to exist, both for this "rap" and for the gutter furniture you try to unload on people. Choke on your duck.



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