Drake "5AM In Toronto" Video Review

Think about the dentist. You know that little water gun they put in your mouth to wash out the bad tastes and chemicals? That little spritzer thing? Well, you're probably going to need one of those because we're about to gather together and watch Drake's video for "5AM in Toronto". And you're probably going to vomit into your mouth a lot (like a gallon). Then you can use that dentist water sprayer to clean out the terrible taste of Drake's shit video.

So, I don't think we've talked too much about Drake, except to identify that his fans are complete idiots. They're the absolute worst (both Drake and his fans). Personally, I'm not a fan. I think his music caters to the ladies and also to stupid kids or something. Whoever he makes his music for, it's not me (the hip hop professional blog owner and official hater). Plus, I haven't ran the numbers yet, but I suspect that Canada is the worst at rap. Oh, wait. I have ran the numbers. Canada sux at rap. Just look at these two images from our archives:

See? That's proof positive. Anyway. Let's get to video. Hopefully it will be amazing and erase all of the bad feelings we have about our stupid neighbor to the north.




In hindsight, who gives a shit about Toronto in general, much less what happens at 5am there? Nobody. I mean this in the nicest way, but Toronto is a shit city. Nobody ever thinks about it. And at 5am there people are sleeping or getting ready for work. They're fucking grumpy. Especially in the endless winter of Canada. So is it any surprise that nothing fucking happens in the video? 

So what happens at 5AM in Toronto accoring to Drake?

Standing around, barley moving, while having a smoke and a drink. Moththerfucker, I call this break time for the kitchen crew at Denny's. Not hip hop shit. This is every bus stop in Philly ALL THE TIME. Fucking drunks freezing and smoking while waiting for nothing to happen. #philly #allday


So real.

This is just normal shit. And those two dudes in the background. How much did you have to pay them to get up at five in the fucking moring to stand around while you rap. You all look tired. "Just get some sleep and we'll pick this up later" - what the director should have said, but the director was clearly Drake's mom.

Things get exciting when Drake decides to walk across a parking lot and enter a building! WOW! Amazing visual. Give that director all the MTV VIDEO MUSIC AWARDS. In fact, cancel the mtv awards, this video just won them all.  So where is Drake going? Is he on grill? "Break's over, deadbeat, clean the tables. Oh, and breaks are only ten minutes Jimmy Brooks." - Denny's manager.

Oh. Now the video cuts and we're following someone inside a club. It's so sick in there. What do we see? Bar. Bikini. Smoke. Stupid hat. What a cool place. Toronto.

See the background in that picture? It's a beach volleyball court. Because Toronto is known for its beach volleyball. Nothing else happens in the video or in Toronto. Drake Raps at a tea table while four girls stand around looking cold and tired in the Volleyball pit. Then the power goes out and they break out the flashlights.

Thanks for showing the world Toronto's famous unreliable power grid. Fuck it. Then Drake leaves the volleyball beach party alone (well, with his boys). Sad.

"Volleyball" is one word. All Canadians are stupid.

Done. So let's review how Drake represented Toronto: Looking tired as hell. Standing in a cold parking lot looking lonley. Showing a pretty shitty and normal bar. Showing the saddest beach "volley ball" that the world has ever known. Suffering through a brown out. And showing that Canadians can't spell and are stupid. Perfect video Drake, you make my job easy.  you're basically making fun of yourself and your horrible city for me. Easy street. I wrote this in less than a minute. I have time to go out in a real city and get mugged by real hooligans, none of that watered down Toronto shit.

You know the stupidest thing about this video? I didn't give a shit what Drake was rapping about. Not because of the video (which was dumb), and not because of the beat (which was dumber, except at the end when the break drops), but because his raps were uninteresting. How is this shit a hit song? How does this deserve a video? You can do better than this Drake. Canada can do better. We can all do better. Give me my 3:37 back, jackass.

5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (song)
5AM IN TORONTO SCORE 0/10 (actually being there)

Visit one of Canada's two shit holes*: Toronto
*the other one is Vancouver

BEST & WORST of 2012



Exactly how we felt for 2012 (we're all Freeway).

Greetings from Knoxville, TN! HAHA just kidding, I would never go there. I assume it's the worst city of 2012! Are you getting an idea of what this is? It's a best and worst of 2012 list. Cool.

WAY BACK in January of 2012, when we published our terrible "Best & Worst" of 2011" entry, I realized that these year-end posts are hard and I should put more effort into them. Well, I didn't. In fact, I put less effort into this post then I did the 2011 post, and i barely put any effort into that at all (look I didn't even bother to capitalize that "i". Lazy). So here is our half-assed look at the best and worst on 2012.

Also, we're not exactly looking at hip hop in general for 2012. We're mainly looking at this lame blog. So fun.

BEST

2012 BEST RECORD RELEASE
Kreayshawn "Somethin' Bout Kreay"

It's hard to believe that when we came into 2012, none of us had any idea who Kreayshawn is was. Way back in January we tried to guess her identity just based on her name (we failed). Now, I don't have any problem with her gender or her race, but I have a major issue with her shit garbage music and her moronic friends. Anyway, her music is appaling and, as evidence of karma, she was rewarded with EXACTLY THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF ALBUM SALES: 4,000. HAHAH! I don't think we even talked about that on this blog friends, and it the best thing of the year! It's perfect. An idiot sells 4,000 records of bad music.

2012 BEST FIRST RESPONDER
Game "Uncle Otis", "Cough Up A Lung",




I'll spit the same 16 at your eulogy.


2012 BEST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE OF THE YEAR
Cappadonna

It's no secret that none of us around here love voting, or elections, or presidential candidates, or rich people, or the system, or police, or wack rappers. I won't go into it, but we found a fantastic alternative to B.O. Bama and the other guy (who was that again?). CAPPADONNA. Who could be a better president? Answer that. Son wouldn't have even needed a VP. If we could turn back time we would rig the election and get our man in there. You fucks ruined the next four years.



2012 BEST STACK BOYS
$tack Boys (not Stack Boys)



Well, 2012 was the year we met both sets of Stack Boys, and decided which one should win the right to use the name "Stack Boys". Well, the preteens lost to some other teens, giving the $tack Boys the win. Nice job fellas. You still suck, but not as bad as some mallwhore rich kids.

2012 BEST NEW ARTIST
Krispy Kreme (or whatever he changes his name to)




I'm sure I'll regret this at some point. But fuck, kid. This guy released track after track and not only did they sucessfully mock all the shit that is wrong with rap, they're also kind of good. It's kind of genius and kind of annoying. Think about this, this track is at about the same quality as most new shit out there, the rhymes just seem more basic. These words alone locked him in a "best" slot: "haters want to be me". Genius and annoying. Gennoying.

-------------------------------------------------------------

WORST
2012 WORST COUNTRY ON EARTH (TIE)

AUSTRALIA & CANADA

CANADA AND AUSTRALIA FUCKING SUCK AT RAP. I've been in fights on Twitter about this. I've been in fights in person about this. I argued with your mom about this. But I stand by it becasue it's a fact. Plus the only people who disagree are from those awful countries.

The only thing I might add is that not only do these two countries SUCK hard at rapping, their citizens are too stupid to know better. This ensures that they'll never lose the crown of terrible rapper nests. Even to England, which is so close to being in a three way tie with these two heaps of shit.

2012 WORST STATE
WASHINGTON

No surprise here. Almost every time I found an embarassing rap song it was from the garbage disposal state of Washington. "Cram your egg shells in the drain along with the waste water and dinner scrapings and grind that shit to go to the sewer" - That's what I say about Washington. #peeattle #spoklame #holempia
"Pugetsoundia" is a prime example.



Go Ka-Bang like Plow!

Runner(s) up: Idaho, Oregon


2012 WORST PEOPLE (TIE)
SCIENTISTS & COLLEGE PEOPLE

These educated people think they're so smart. Teaching us about medical crap, swearing at us about climate change, and restricting our right to smoke. F U, you're the worst. Don't rap anymore.

2012 WORST COLLABOBlondie "NO EXIT"

People, I know that this song is from 1999, but I heard it for the first time this year and it sucks megahard. I've even heard worse collaboration songs this year (French Montana), but this one is stuffed with people I respect, and I was expecting a lot more.

YOU BLEW IT BLONDIE, MOBB DEEP, INSPECTAH DECK, and U-GOD....YOU LOWERED YOURSELF TO COOLIO'S LEVEL LIKE FIFTEEN YEARS AGO - AND YOU EARNED A SPOT ON THIS LIST.



2012 WORST SIDEKICK / PRODUCER
Leatha Face (Leatha Fase)

This guy singlehandedly ruined the end of 2012 for us with his production work on the Hillside Scramblers nightmare that we've been reviewing. His beats are junk. At least his beats from the early 90's are junk...who knows what he's doing today. Plus, as U-God's right hand man, we've heard way to many of his incompetent rhymes from a decade ago. Hopefully, we won't cross paths as many times with this guy in the one-tre as we did in the one-deuce.


2012 WORST MIXTAPE TITLE
"The Cakeover" by Cako

What a joke.

IN CONCLUSION: That's it! This list should be on the "Wost" side of 2012, no? hatever, I hope your 2013 is more like the Stack Boys and less like the $tack Boys.

2012 SCORE 0/10

MERRY XMAS: CANADA SUCKS AT RAP

 YO! CANADA RAPS!

So this is Christmas. It is what it is. Our gift to you is a combination of several of our least favorite things:

1. RICH PEOPLE RAPPING
2. CANADA
3. BAD ACTING
4. CLEVER PEOPLE BEING MUCHO WITTY

This is "Mother Nature Holiday Rap" by some people on YouTube...enjoy:



Pop quiz, hotshot: why would someone make this? Bordem? Mental illness? I can't imagine the conversation:

"Let's make a funny holiday rap video."
"That sounds SO FUN, Kyle."
"But we have to make it extra funny and add in a bit of adult humor."
"HAHAAH! No bad words though, and don't forget some extra pizazz."
"Yeah! And we can send it to all our friends and fellow Canadians and then we can discuss all the jokes we made and hard work we did!"
"And maybe quote the video in our day to day life for a little laugh...it will be great"
"Our friends will love how quirky we are! They'll be like 'Oh, those two are doing their thing again! Rap is their thing and they're so good at it. So funny, like SNL Lazy Sunday'!"
"Yeah. This is how we set ourselves apart from the rest of the zombies that we associate with. They watch TV or whatever, and we actually do something artistic...creative. I was born to act. And rap. This is how we live life to the fullest! Plus, we have plenty of money!"

This is the end point of hip hop. The bottom.

Question. Why is the girl surprised that the flight was cancelled when they have "12 Feet of Snow"? Also, who can afford a vacation? You're "sick of all these flight delays"? A lot of people have never even set foot on a plane. How about "I'm sick of this horrible part of town that I live in because I can't move because I don't have money or the skills to get a good job and important people in my life have a way of abandoning me because of deep psychological issues stemming from generations of terrible economic conditions"?

Making fucking videos in front of a fireplace. Nice and warm, are we? What about heating your shit apartment by leaving your oven on and the door open because you don't have to pay for the gas...AND YOU HAVE LITTLE KIDS AROUND WHO COULD GET BURNED ON THAT SHIT?

"I want to take you on vacation, but the weather got bad without explanation."

Nice rhyme. You know, the weather is ALWAYS doing things without explanation. Partly Cloudy! Explain yourself, asshole clouds.

Let's check the chorus:

"Mother Nature is a m-----f------ cold hearted b----"

A Christmas rap about weather? Edited? With singing and other hijinks? FUCK ME AND FUCK CANADA. FOREVER. Chew on that candy cane.

Here is another one from Canada...




What is gong on up there? You can't blame the snow, because we have that here in Philly and it doesn't kill the power to people's brains here. So what is it? Water?

So what is Christmas to Canadians?

1. "So Many" Wrapped presents under the tree. Fine.
2. People riding moose.
3. People in the cold and their faces are turning red.
4. Speaking French?
5. Pet Beavers?
6. Going down stairs?
7. Hockey?
8. Making a "tally" something something loot.
9. The death of the elderly.
10. Someting about tires?
11. Eating moose and goose.

KIDS! RIGHT? They do the darndest things. Except for that death thing this Christmas sounds super boring. So boring that the kids might go out in the snow and make a rap video. Can you imagine being a kid in Canada. There is clearly nothing to do up there, and you have to stay inside or your face will turn red.

Why is everyone you mention "crazy"?

It's just a fun time. Lighten up.

SPEAKING OF FUN TIMES: THIS IS NOT FUN TIMES. THIS IS THE WORST.

I don't even know where this one is from, but I bet it's fucking Canada too. I could see Washington State as well.



Call it a hunch, but I bet these boys are wealthy. Money money money + rap = perfect music that everybody wants to hear. HUNCH.

IN CONCLUSION: That's Christmas. Sip some more Wwindex.

MOTHER NATURE HOLIDAY RAP SCORE 0/10
CANADIAN CHRISTMAS RAP SCORE 0/10
THAT'S CHRISTMAS RAP SCORE 0/10

Track Checker: Lazy Four "Queen City Anthem"

Boom. Bap. Who's reppin' Canada?
Boom Bap. No not me.
Boom Bap. Who's reppin' Regina?
HAHAHA. WTF!

We've already estalished that Australia is the worst in the world at rapping. Second place is Canada. What a bunch of wankers, right? Fuck! But can we really make that judgement? YES! I mean I'm sure there is a shit load of garbage Canadian rap that we haven't heard, but still. It's fucking Canada. What comes out of there thats good? NADA. Assholes. Should we give the boys up north a chance? Sure. We might find something dope (HAHAHA - I don't think so, the whole country has like a million people in it). Anyway, who should we choose to represent the whole fucking country? The LAZYFOUR. From Regina, Canada. You know...right here:

Hahah! There it is! Right next to Moose Jaw and Saskatoon...in Saskatchewan. Holy shit. I still have no idea where that is.

Fuck me and fuck that place.

Well. I guess the city as a whole as about 200,000 people in it. So that's kind of big. Philly has about 6 million, so Regina is getting up there. And they have some hip hop. I guess Regina is called Queen City, which is kind of like Queens, NY. So if this song is their anthem, I guess it's representative of their hip hop. Let's check it out...REGINA SHIT!




TRON LEGACY BEAT! But whaaa?? Singing kicks this shit off, so I'm automatically calling this song trash...

"We're from Queen City where we get that dough,
where we rock that show, where we lose control,
where the shortys nahflow-oh-oh*
where the shortys naghlow-oh-oh*
...in Queen City"

*could not understand

Whoa! That sounds like a good City! I want to move there! HAHAHA. JUST KIDDING. That sounds like a shit city. Where the autotune is used poorly, and the shortys do something that nobody understands. What do the shorties do at the Arctic Circle? Got flow? Girl, that's nasty? Who knows.

Then we get some rapping! And it's not that bad. I mean it terrible, but it sounds about the same as shit out of our American south, which is also hollow garbage. Party in the city shit. Who cares? The second guy is shit:

"Lazy Four gotta get it poppin' good
Take it to the city up in your hood
'G' - double 'O' - 'D', for sure
we got this, baby, Lazy Four
Four from the city
...it's still not good, I get my dough...
My heart is in the city
...I do my thing until I go"

I didn't want to say this, but that's just a lazy rap. Lazy like their name. Dumb. Lazy. Dumb and lazy. Like no thought at all went into it's creation. Whatever sewage is filling up the rappers thoughts at the moment spilled out of the mouth and on to the track. "Spilled" might not be the right word, more like "dumped". The rapper dumped his mind sewage into our ears. Sewage is urine and feces mixed together. THIS WHOLE SONG IS SEWAGE AND SO IS CANADA.


IN CONCLUSION: CANADA SUCKS AT RAP. Simple.

QUEEN CITY ANTHEM SCORE: 0/10
QUEEN CITY SCORE: 0/10
CANADA SCORE: 0/10

Ka-PLOW. You got delphed, son.