BEST & WORST of 2012



Exactly how we felt for 2012 (we're all Freeway).

Greetings from Knoxville, TN! HAHA just kidding, I would never go there. I assume it's the worst city of 2012! Are you getting an idea of what this is? It's a best and worst of 2012 list. Cool.

WAY BACK in January of 2012, when we published our terrible "Best & Worst" of 2011" entry, I realized that these year-end posts are hard and I should put more effort into them. Well, I didn't. In fact, I put less effort into this post then I did the 2011 post, and i barely put any effort into that at all (look I didn't even bother to capitalize that "i". Lazy). So here is our half-assed look at the best and worst on 2012.

Also, we're not exactly looking at hip hop in general for 2012. We're mainly looking at this lame blog. So fun.

BEST

2012 BEST RECORD RELEASE
Kreayshawn "Somethin' Bout Kreay"

It's hard to believe that when we came into 2012, none of us had any idea who Kreayshawn is was. Way back in January we tried to guess her identity just based on her name (we failed). Now, I don't have any problem with her gender or her race, but I have a major issue with her shit garbage music and her moronic friends. Anyway, her music is appaling and, as evidence of karma, she was rewarded with EXACTLY THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF ALBUM SALES: 4,000. HAHAH! I don't think we even talked about that on this blog friends, and it the best thing of the year! It's perfect. An idiot sells 4,000 records of bad music.

2012 BEST FIRST RESPONDER
Game "Uncle Otis", "Cough Up A Lung",




I'll spit the same 16 at your eulogy.


2012 BEST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE OF THE YEAR
Cappadonna

It's no secret that none of us around here love voting, or elections, or presidential candidates, or rich people, or the system, or police, or wack rappers. I won't go into it, but we found a fantastic alternative to B.O. Bama and the other guy (who was that again?). CAPPADONNA. Who could be a better president? Answer that. Son wouldn't have even needed a VP. If we could turn back time we would rig the election and get our man in there. You fucks ruined the next four years.



2012 BEST STACK BOYS
$tack Boys (not Stack Boys)



Well, 2012 was the year we met both sets of Stack Boys, and decided which one should win the right to use the name "Stack Boys". Well, the preteens lost to some other teens, giving the $tack Boys the win. Nice job fellas. You still suck, but not as bad as some mallwhore rich kids.

2012 BEST NEW ARTIST
Krispy Kreme (or whatever he changes his name to)




I'm sure I'll regret this at some point. But fuck, kid. This guy released track after track and not only did they sucessfully mock all the shit that is wrong with rap, they're also kind of good. It's kind of genius and kind of annoying. Think about this, this track is at about the same quality as most new shit out there, the rhymes just seem more basic. These words alone locked him in a "best" slot: "haters want to be me". Genius and annoying. Gennoying.

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WORST
2012 WORST COUNTRY ON EARTH (TIE)

AUSTRALIA & CANADA

CANADA AND AUSTRALIA FUCKING SUCK AT RAP. I've been in fights on Twitter about this. I've been in fights in person about this. I argued with your mom about this. But I stand by it becasue it's a fact. Plus the only people who disagree are from those awful countries.

The only thing I might add is that not only do these two countries SUCK hard at rapping, their citizens are too stupid to know better. This ensures that they'll never lose the crown of terrible rapper nests. Even to England, which is so close to being in a three way tie with these two heaps of shit.

2012 WORST STATE
WASHINGTON

No surprise here. Almost every time I found an embarassing rap song it was from the garbage disposal state of Washington. "Cram your egg shells in the drain along with the waste water and dinner scrapings and grind that shit to go to the sewer" - That's what I say about Washington. #peeattle #spoklame #holempia
"Pugetsoundia" is a prime example.



Go Ka-Bang like Plow!

Runner(s) up: Idaho, Oregon


2012 WORST PEOPLE (TIE)
SCIENTISTS & COLLEGE PEOPLE

These educated people think they're so smart. Teaching us about medical crap, swearing at us about climate change, and restricting our right to smoke. F U, you're the worst. Don't rap anymore.

2012 WORST COLLABOBlondie "NO EXIT"

People, I know that this song is from 1999, but I heard it for the first time this year and it sucks megahard. I've even heard worse collaboration songs this year (French Montana), but this one is stuffed with people I respect, and I was expecting a lot more.

YOU BLEW IT BLONDIE, MOBB DEEP, INSPECTAH DECK, and U-GOD....YOU LOWERED YOURSELF TO COOLIO'S LEVEL LIKE FIFTEEN YEARS AGO - AND YOU EARNED A SPOT ON THIS LIST.



2012 WORST SIDEKICK / PRODUCER
Leatha Face (Leatha Fase)

This guy singlehandedly ruined the end of 2012 for us with his production work on the Hillside Scramblers nightmare that we've been reviewing. His beats are junk. At least his beats from the early 90's are junk...who knows what he's doing today. Plus, as U-God's right hand man, we've heard way to many of his incompetent rhymes from a decade ago. Hopefully, we won't cross paths as many times with this guy in the one-tre as we did in the one-deuce.


2012 WORST MIXTAPE TITLE
"The Cakeover" by Cako

What a joke.

IN CONCLUSION: That's it! This list should be on the "Wost" side of 2012, no? hatever, I hope your 2013 is more like the Stack Boys and less like the $tack Boys.

2012 SCORE 0/10

U-God's Resume #45, Blondie "No Exit"

--Official Stats--
Artist: Blondie feat. U-God, Inspectah Deck, Mobb Deep, and Coolio
Song: "No Exit Remix"
Producer: Craig Leon
Album: No Exit
Release Date: October 22, 1999

Blondie? Really? Now this might surprise you, but I am a Blondie fan. I actualy own and listen to their music (Blondie is a band, Deborah Harry is the singer). You might also be surprised to learn that Blondie gets earned respect from older hip hop heads for helping bring hip hop into the mainstream back in the day. Rapture by Blondie was the first #1 rap song in the world (you would probably know the hook from KRS-ONE's sample of the song in his later version of "Rapture"). So that means that the first time most of the planet heard this shizzle called rap, they were listening to Blondie. And surprisingly Deborah wasn't softballing it, her hook is FIRE. Sure her rhymes were terrible nonsense (I mean unbearablely bad), but she did introduce this dope shit that was going down in NY to the world. Nice job.

But Rapture was in 1980, what in the hell is this 1999 No Exit shit and why is U-God on it? I'm assuming that this is a comeback album for Blondie, which is a bad sign. Plus, I'm going to guess that this is rock and roll / hip hop fusion, which I hate (even if it is Blondie, who were the original fusers). I guess it's time that we actually get some facts: my assumptions were correct. Except that this is a hip hop / rock / classical fusion (that's too many things). And, this song is identified and was given away as a "souvenir", uh-oh. Plus, I see like five versions of the track out there, UH-OH. PLUS, Mobb Deep and the Wu members on this track are identified as "the Loud Allstars" UUUHHH-OOHHH. I stongly suspect that this song will be the worst.

But I've never heard this before, and it's crammed with artists I respect and Coolio, so it might be good. Let's give it a listen...


"No Exit"



Well, that's something. That's too much. Too much organ. Too much Coolio. Too much Blondie raps. What a mess, right? I mean Deborah's introduction is appaling. She is trying way too hard and her hat is really surprising in a bad way. I don't know what she's saying but it sounds really bad. I never want to hear that again FOREVER-EVER-EVER. But just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, we have Coolio to set the bar even lower. What a crappy rapper. His flow and voice are a nightmare. What is was he doing with his life? How does this shit get on wax? And his trademark Coolio hair...was that still a thing in 1999?

Well, I'll be honest. I really don't want to see my favorite rappers in this video. I don't want them to share the stage with Blondie and Coolio. I don't want them on this song. Who thought it would be a good idea to put the hardest core, violentest rappers (Mobb Deep) up there with Blondie? Not to mention Deck (who is an animal on the mic). I'm very nervous.

We go from Coolio into a terrible little chorus bridge thing. The one thing that Blondie should be great at....is terrible. "And when you least expect it...."

Prodigy is up first and kills this shit. 4real. It's like the whole song changes once he spits his first line, and he keeps the heat all the way trough his short verse with some traditional Mobb Deep shit that I actually would pay to hear. This kind of sounds like a Havoc beat and Prodigy does his thing. That guy is a pro. He'll be very tough to beat lyrically. I did least expect that.


U-God and Coolio

Our boy U-God is up next, and we've already established that he sounds okay on guitar heavy tracks, and he kills this shit too. In fact, he should hire the producer of this track to always manage his voice, because his shit sounds perfect. He flows well over the beat and I can (gratefully) say that he holds his own after Prodigy. That's saying a lot. So let me be clear: U-God comes correct and bodies this.

Then we have the chorus "Whooooo's gooonnaa fight for yooouuuuu", and I hate it.

To close out the track we have another Mobb Deep / Wu set up with Havoc and Deck. Just writing that made me happy, the Loud Allstars are ill. Havoc delivers exactly what you would expect. He's not as good as Prodigy but he's a hell of a lot better than anyone else behind the mic. But to be honest, I'm finding it hard to concentrate because I know that Deck is up next and he is one of my all time favorites. I know that he usually destroys everyone else with just his first line.

Inspectah Deck and Coolio

And sure enough, as soon as I hear his trademark "Yo!" over the top of Havoc I'm sold. He's the MC to beat here. Let's see...his verse is incredible as usual. We close it out with another dose of the chorus and some rocking that I never want to expose my children too, but the I gotta say, this collection of MC's was a smart move. The lyrical level is through the roof. This is honestly a Wu Tang + Mobb Deep collabo, all you have to do is skip the Deborah Harry and especially the Coolio and this could be a classic! I'm stunned. Let's start a movement:

DELETE DEBORAH AND COOLIO FROM NO EXIT

Retweet it! Sign the online petition! Make a online petition! Do it! For #hiphop! #loudallstars

Track Score: 6/10 (if you took out Deborah Harry's verse and Coolio this would have been a 9)
U-God’s Score: 8/10
Impact on Rep (+,-,=): Harms (Nobody heard this one)

Next Week: MOM "Mr. Onsomeothershits". Yep. I've never heard of it either. It'll probably stink.

--U-God Lyrics--

Out of the darkness, spark this total chaos
Mark to scheme the hardest, nothing can save us
All that is sacred, dearly departed
Braveheart slave brave contains something courageous
Salute shining armor, persona rip stages
Loud as Nirvana, beneath the golden ages
The road rash explode, little rigor that devour
Don't cry for me, I'm bout drunk off the power

About this series: U-God’s Resume is a series of posts which looks at each line of U-God’s entire career to determine if his status as ‘wack’ is justified (as labeled by internet morons). I think it is not. U-God is dope. We'll prove it. Leave it to the Tort Team.



Deck and U-God (and maybe Prodigy).



Where You At? Coolio

:(

So...WHERE YOU AT COOLIO? I think we all know the answer to this one: he’s writing cookbooks and appearing on Food Network's "Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off" reality cooking show. No duh. He’s not a high profile chef, but he’s also above your Uncle’s level because some people know about him. So he's a celebrity who is a chef? Is he really a celebrity still? I don't know. Let's see who else is on the show: Aaron Carter, Miss USA, Cheech Marin, someone from *NSync, a d-list actor, and others. Yep, those guys aren't celebrities at all. I mean maybe in their day (20+ years ago), but not in 2012. Plus, Coolio's hair is really gross for a cook.

Ladies and gentlemen, your chef for the evening

But how did he go from the biggest name in friendly-gangsta funk to a line cook*? Let’s go CSI on this case.

*Not literally a line cook.

So we all remember the song Fantastic Voyage, don’t we? It wasn’t the worst song, but it was on TV and the radio all the time and it got played out fast. For a while there it was on MTv like every half hour. That’s a lot! It was a big smash hit! It went platinum twice and it pushed the lousy album “It Takes a Thief” platinum too. So that’s like millions of people checking this guy out in 1994.


Coolio - Fantastic Voyage by Drunken-Li-Dragon

Then lightening striked twice (yeah I know that isn’t the word, deal with it). Coolio did it again with the song Gangsta’s Paradise from the “Dangerous Minds Soundtrack”. This time (with the help of the very good singer LV) Coolio made a song go 3x platinum. It’s still being listed as one of the best hip hop songs ever according to VH1 (looool, like they know). Now Fastastic Voyage was played hard on TV and radio, but this song was on constantly. It was a nightmare. There was no escaping it. Your mom and her sister probably spent some time enjoying it (separately). And the video? Hilarious. Michelle Pfeiffer is in it and the whole thing is intense (definitely a good idea for a future post).

So Coolio was a big name! We can argue that his hair helped with his sales because of his brand or something, and that would be correct, but it didn’t help with me. I never liked Coolio’s music. I bought It Takes a Thief and can honestly say that it was a waste of my money. It sucked, but it sold. I didn’t bother with anything related to “Dangerous Minds” and I don’t regret it.

That's barbed wire.

So what happened after that? Did Coolio release any more songs? Does he have an album out right now? Who knows? Not me. Not you. Not anyone. Oh, and what’s up with the cooking?

Well. He had an album in 1996 called “My Soul”, and GOOD GRIEF I bought that one too. I must have shot that bastard out the window quick though because none of the songs look familiar except for C U When U Get There which is Coolio trying to copy off that Bone Thugs Crossroads  thing. Sheesh.

So except for little tidbits, this is where I officially lost track of Coolio (and so did everyone else). He had an album in 2001 called “Coolio.com”, yep the internet was pretty new at that point. Then in 2002 we have “El Cool Magnifico”, in 2006 “The Return of the Gangsta”. Then in 2008 we have “Steal Hear”, so that’s recent. Finally there might be an album called “From the Bottom 2 The Top”. Is it out there? Who knows? It looks like a lot of these are imports somehow.

Besides all of the music and the cooking, Coolio was in a lot of TV and Films (’96 – ’00), then less (’01 – ’06), then “Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off” (’12). We all remember seeing him in all of those things right?

http://www.coolio.com/hiphop/internet/cool-newalbum

And the cookbook(s?). Whatevs. This is a music blog. So let’s check a newer song, shall we. Let's get raw.

We’ll go with a little track called Cruis Off  (or maybe it’s called Cruise Off). Why not. It is definitely on his most recent album, but it is also on “Steal Hear”, so we can cover a song off of two albums at once. Plus, it’s one of the few current songs where Coolio doesn’t bring in a guest. Let’s go!

“When I roll my Chevrolet I neva take the cruise off, neva take the cruise off, neva take the cruise off (repeat x 100,000)”. It might sound like he’s saying that he never takes his shoes off in the Chevrolet, but it’s the cruise control that he leaves on. I bet the shoes thing is more accurate though (I take the cruise off sometimes but rarely take the shoes off, that feels weird).

Then the rapping starts…and WHOA. The voice. You noticed it right? It’s like a surfer voice. Hang 10. “So annoying” – teenage girls. Is that how Coolio used to sound? I don’t remember. I hope not. It’s grating.

When you spin this track neva turn the treble up, neva turn the treble up, neva turn the treble up. Word. It’ll blow your out ya speakers and ya eardrums. It’s like weird whining that just doesn’t end. I can’t even hear what he’s saying, I can’t focus. But I must push through. What is this song about?

Driving around? Yo, Coolio, you’re almost fifty years old. You don’t need to be driving around town for no reason. You’re way into adulthood. And let’s be honest, nobody is yelling “avalanche” when they see you driving your car. That’s just dumb and it doesn’t happen ever. I can see how people might see you driving around and MIGHT ask you what you’re doing. But that’s a stretch. I mean the answer is obvious: you’re driving around. But if someone did ask you “What are you doing, dude?”. I guarantee that you would not answer with “Malibuin’”. That’s weird and it doesn’t answer the question at all. Just be honest Coolio. You’re driving around like a sixteen year old. Are you looking for places to skate? No. Are you looking for a good spot for vandalism? No. Are you looking for an inexpensive sit-down dinner that you can take your adult children to (along with their spouses and families)? YEP! That’s what fifty year olds do. Get your song correct.

Eventually Coolio drops his whiny voice, thank goodness, then the second verse is like a bad transition verse, and the last verse is the worst. For some reason, he decided to use a way off-beat scramble flow that should not exist. Honestly, if you printed up the lyrics to the third verse and tried to rap them to this beat without hearing the original first, you would suffer and die. It can’t be done. More importantly, it shouldn’t be done. What kind of flow is this? It’s like ear poison. Go back to the whining and get on the beat.

Another thing, why is this beat so epic? I mean, I like beats that sound large and have that "big drum" that they bang in the symphony (timpani?). Cool. Use any drum you want to. Big drums. Formal drums. Wear a tux and hit a drum. I don’t mind, it’s your song. But that doesn’t mean the music sounds good. I mean, what? It just isn’t very good. Plus, it sounds like the beat is trying to remind everyone of 1993 gangsta funk + a sonata from the 1600's. Nobody wants to hear classical music, and we remember what g-funk was and we don't want more of it. Move on. Get a fresh sound or at least not a gimmicky one. Everyone in LA played that style out twenty years ago, okay. Stop it. You’re an adult now.

CONCLUSION: What have we learned? Coolio sold a billion albums or so, and has tried to follow up his success by making like twenty albums nobody has heard. He’s been busy with everything imaginable in Hollywood, his latest music sucks, he drives around, and his cooking is out there. So, good career! Celebrity cook off and Rachel Ray?

Cruis Off / Cruise Off Score 0/10