Greetings from Knoxville, TN! HAHA just kidding, I would never go there. I assume it's the worst city of 2012! Are you getting an idea of what this is? It's a best and worst of 2012 list. Cool. WAY BACK in January of 2012, when we published our terrible "Best & Worst" of 2011" entry, I realized that these year-end posts are hard and I should put more effort into them. Well, I didn't. In fact, I put less effort into this post then I did the 2011 post, and i barely put any effort into that at all (look I didn't even bother to capitalize that "i". Lazy). So here is our half-assed look at the best and worst on 2012.
Also, we're not exactly looking at hip hop in general for 2012. We're mainly looking at this lame blog. So fun. BEST
2012 BEST RECORD RELEASE Kreayshawn "Somethin' Bout Kreay"
It's hard to believe that when we came into 2012, none of us had any idea who Kreayshawn is was. Way back in January we tried to guess her identity just based on her name (we failed). Now, I don't have any problem with her gender or her race, but I have a major issue with her shit garbage music and her moronic friends. Anyway, her music is appaling and, as evidence of karma, she was rewarded with EXACTLY THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF ALBUM SALES: 4,000. HAHAH! I don't think we even talked about that on this blog friends, and it the best thing of the year! It's perfect. An idiot sells 4,000 records of bad music. 2012 BEST FIRST RESPONDER Game "Uncle Otis", "Cough Up A Lung",
I'll spit the same 16 at your eulogy.
2012 BEST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE OF THE YEAR Cappadonna
It's no secret that none of us around here love voting, or elections, or presidential candidates, or rich people, or the system, or police, or wack rappers. I won't go into it, but we found a fantastic alternative to B.O. Bama and the other guy (who was that again?). CAPPADONNA. Whocouldbeabetterpresident? Answer that. Son wouldn't have even needed a VP. If we could turn back time we would rig the election and get our man in there. You fucks ruined the next four years. 2012 BEST STACK BOYS $tack Boys (not Stack Boys)
Well, 2012 was the year wemetboth sets of Stack Boys, and decided which one should win the right to use the name "Stack Boys". Well, the preteens lost to some other teens, giving the $tack Boys the win. Nice job fellas. You still suck, but not as bad as some mallwhore rich kids. 2012 BEST NEW ARTIST Krispy Kreme (or whatever he changes his name to)
I'm sure I'll regret this at some point. But fuck, kid. This guy released track after track and not only did they sucessfully mock all the shit that is wrong with rap, they're also kind of good. It's kind of genius and kind of annoying. Think about this, this track is at about the same quality as most new shit out there, the rhymes just seem more basic. These words alone locked him in a "best" slot: "haters want to be me". Genius and annoying. Gennoying.
------------------------------------------------------------- WORST 2012 WORST COUNTRY ON EARTH (TIE)
AUSTRALIA & CANADA
CANADA AND AUSTRALIA FUCKING SUCK AT RAP. I've been in fights on Twitter about this. I've been in fights in person about this. I argued with your mom about this. But I stand by it becasue it's a fact. Plus the only people who disagree are from those awful countries.
The only thing I might add is that not only do these two countries SUCK hard at rapping, their citizens are too stupid to know better. This ensures that they'll never lose the crown of terrible rapper nests. Even to England, which is so close to being in a three way tie with these two heaps of shit. 2012 WORST STATE WASHINGTON No surprise here. Almost every time I found an embarassing rap song it was from the garbage disposal state of Washington. "Cram your egg shells in the drain along with the waste water and dinner scrapings and grind that shit to go to the sewer" - That's what I say about Washington. #peeattle #spoklame #holempia "Pugetsoundia" is aprime example. Go Ka-Bang like Plow! Runner(s) up:Idaho, Oregon 2012 WORST PEOPLE (TIE) SCIENTISTS & COLLEGE PEOPLE
These educated people think they're so smart. Teaching us aboutmedical crap, swearing at us about climate change, and restricting our right to smoke. F U, you're the worst. Don't rap anymore. 2012 WORST COLLABOBlondie "NO EXIT" People, I know that this song is from 1999, but I heard it for the first time this year and it sucks megahard. I've even heard worse collaboration songs this year (French Montana), but this one is stuffed with people I respect, and Iwas expecting a lot more. YOU BLEW IT BLONDIE, MOBB DEEP, INSPECTAH DECK, and U-GOD....YOU LOWERED YOURSELF TO COOLIO'S LEVEL LIKE FIFTEEN YEARS AGO - AND YOU EARNED A SPOT ON THIS LIST.
2012 WORST SIDEKICK / PRODUCER Leatha Face (Leatha Fase)
Thisguysinglehandedlyruinedtheendof 2012 for us with his production work on the Hillside Scramblers nightmare that we've been reviewing. His beats are junk. At least his beats from the early 90's are junk...who knows what he's doing today. Plus, as U-God's right hand man, we've heard way to many of his incompetent rhymes from a decade ago. Hopefully, we won't cross paths as many times with this guy in the one-tre as we did in the one-deuce. 2012 WORST MIXTAPE TITLE "The Cakeover" by Cako
IN CONCLUSION: That's it! This list should be on the "Wost" side of 2012, no? hatever, I hope your 2013 is more like the Stack Boys and less like the $tack Boys.
So this is Christmas. It is what it is. Our gift to you is a combination of several of our least favorite things:
1. RICH PEOPLE RAPPING 2. CANADA 3. BAD ACTING 4. CLEVER PEOPLE BEING MUCHO WITTY
This is "Mother Nature Holiday Rap" by some people on YouTube...enjoy:
Pop quiz, hotshot: why would someone make this? Bordem? Mental illness? I can't imagine the conversation:
"Let's make a funny holiday rap video." "That sounds SO FUN, Kyle." "But we have to make it extra funny and add in a bit of adult humor." "HAHAAH! No bad words though, and don't forget some extra pizazz." "Yeah! And we can send it to all our friends and fellow Canadians and then we can discuss all the jokes we made and hard work we did!" "And maybe quote the video in our day to day life for a little laugh...it will be great" "Our friends will love how quirky we are! They'll be like 'Oh, those two are doing their thing again! Rap is their thing and they're so good at it. So funny, like SNL Lazy Sunday'!" "Yeah. This is how we set ourselves apart from the rest of the zombies that we associate with. They watch TV or whatever, and we actually do something artistic...creative. I was born to act. And rap. This is how we live life to the fullest! Plus, we have plenty of money!"
This is the end point of hip hop. The bottom.
Question. Why is the girl surprised that the flight was cancelled when they have "12 Feet of Snow"? Also, who can afford a vacation? You're "sick of all these flight delays"? A lot of people have never even set foot on a plane. How about "I'm sick of this horrible part of town that I live in because I can't move because I don't have money or the skills to get a good job and important people in my life have a way of abandoning me because of deep psychological issues stemming from generations of terrible economic conditions"?
Making fucking videos in front of a fireplace. Nice and warm, are we? What about heating your shit apartment by leaving your oven on and the door open because you don't have to pay for the gas...AND YOU HAVE LITTLE KIDS AROUND WHO COULD GET BURNED ON THAT SHIT?
"I want to take you on vacation, but the weather got bad without explanation."
Nice rhyme. You know, the weather is ALWAYS doing things without explanation. Partly Cloudy! Explain yourself, asshole clouds.
Let's check the chorus:
"Mother Nature is a m-----f------ cold hearted b----"
A Christmas rap about weather? Edited? With singing and other hijinks? FUCK ME AND FUCK CANADA. FOREVER. Chew on that candy cane.
Here is another one from Canada...
What is gong on up there? You can't blame the snow, because we have that here in Philly and it doesn't kill the power to people's brains here. So what is it? Water?
So what is Christmas to Canadians?
1. "So Many" Wrapped presents under the tree. Fine. 2. People riding moose. 3. People in the cold and their faces are turning red. 4. Speaking French? 5. Pet Beavers? 6. Going down stairs? 7. Hockey? 8. Making a "tally" something something loot. 9. The death of the elderly. 10. Someting about tires? 11. Eating moose and goose.
KIDS! RIGHT? They do the darndest things. Except for that death thing this Christmas sounds super boring. So boring that the kids might go out in the snow and make a rap video. Can you imagine being a kid in Canada. There is clearly nothing to do up there, and you have to stay inside or your face will turn red.
Why is everyone you mention "crazy"?
It's just a fun time. Lighten up.
SPEAKING OF FUN TIMES: THIS IS NOT FUN TIMES. THIS IS THE WORST.
I don't even know where this one is from, but I bet it's fucking Canada too. I could see Washington State as well.
Call it a hunch, but I bet these boys are wealthy. Money money money + rap = perfect music that everybody wants to hear. HUNCH.
IN CONCLUSION: That's Christmas. Sip some more Wwindex. MOTHER NATURE HOLIDAY RAP SCORE 0/10 CANADIAN CHRISTMAS RAP SCORE 0/10 THAT'S CHRISTMAS RAP SCORE 0/10
Heey! Today mas I think it’s a wonderful daaaaaay! We're going to review the world famous music video for Bone Thugs-n-Harmony's classic song 1st of tha Month. Cleveland! Ohio! We've already checked out the lyrics to this song too many times, and we honestly have no idea what anyone is saying. So today we'll see if we can get a clue by watching the hit music video. FUSE.
Before we should begin I guess we should put the obvious foot forward and guess what this video will be about (I have seen it a million times, but not in the last decade, so I can't really remember it at all). So I think we all know that welfare checks are paid on the first of the month (well, we might not ALL know that...somepeoplearerich). So this video will probably be about spending the little bit of get-by money on big things (and narcotics)!
One other thing, I don't think that I've actually reviewed this song yet (even though we havetwopostsalready on it). So.......It's a good song! I mean, it's not the best, and it's not even Bone's best. It has an unusual sound and very high quality production. So good job there (I guess). Otherwise I would call this one of Bone's most popular songs that is pretty good. Done in the sun. Except that I would like to make a point on the content. Compare this song, about getting a little tiny bit of money for food, tomodern rap songs, like Make it Rain by Fat Joe (not that modern). I am a fan of Joe, but I absolutely cannot relate to Make it Rain. I don't have money! Not only that, if most people found a few bucks laying on the ground they'd be pretty happy. Nobody throws it on the ground. Fucking rich people throwing money on the impoverished crowd is insulting and WAY OUT OF TOUCH. Listen, if I were standing there and some fat cat rich asshole threw a few twenties on the ground for me to pick up, I would (hopefully) break his tennis racket over his head and then shove that cash in his fat mouth along with whatever litter was nearby. On the other hand I CAN RELATE to the Bone song. I live check to check and payday is the best!
Fine. Done. Let's get on with this review. Cash ya checks and come on!
Let us review...
Sunrise. Right off the bat: LOL! Why in the hell are all the BONE boys sleeping in their thrones at church? Why are they around a crystal ball, and why is the crystal ball showing the sunrise outside AND old Eazy-E videos? I mean, if I had a crystal ball, I imagine that at some point I would watch music videos on it and fall asleep. But probably not while hanging out with all of my friends. So weird. Plus, the crystal ball has an alarm clock! Just like my smart phone! Cool.
So now that everyone is up, the Apple iCrystal iBall starts showing them videos of some other people. Uh-oh. That probably means they're going to die! A homeless guy. A little kid. Time's up bozos, for the Thugs of Boneingham hath forseen it! The boys watch intently. But it's not enough for Wish, he picks up a much smaller Crystal Ball (nano?) and watches the music video for First of tha Month! Just like what we're trying to do. That makes perfect sense.
So, now that everyone is on the same page (us and Bone), let us review...
Fun. Like a roller coaster?
Okay! Bone is driving through the neighborhood and someone gets the bright idea to rap on the hood. DEATH RACE! Only super slow. So slow, that I'm wondering if the driver should be pulled over for DUI. Probably.
Meanwhile back at the church (where the boys sleep in their thrones) we have the same guy rapping while the other guys are dancing ghosts. Are they dead? Maybe! That might help to explain the crystal ball stuff. Well this verse plays out switching between rapping in the church and rapping on the car. Easy enough. Eazy E enough. The background changes oddly sometimes, making me wonder if they're really driving...
They look scared.
We have a third location pop in: a family cook out. YUM! Actually, more like a block party! So fun.
Well, these themes continue for the rest of the verse. Block party, church, car hood, repeat.
The next verse starts and the boys are back in the church, only now they're watching the block party on the crystal ball. I would say that the boys feel left out, except that they are also at the block party. Maybe they're watching a home video. OR, DUH, THEY'RE WATCHING THEIR OWN MUSIC VIDEO! How did I forget that?
Suddenly the image in the crystal ball changes to someone reading a newspaper. What's this? What is that guy reading?
He's not reading! He's watching a video in the paper next to a headline that reads "Abraham Hundreds Participate in 7th Graffiti Cleanup". Interesting news story, I'd say, except the guy looks pretty grumpy about it. Did he make the graffiti? I love graffiti! Leave it alone. It's how gangs mark their turf - they need it!
NOW WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON? We get a close up of the newspaper and we can clearly see that the graffiti headline was glued in there. The real headline says :"Redefining U.S. Foreign Policy ... Focusing on the Pacific Rim". That's not relevant news. PLUS, the video is showing a line for check cashing. That has nothing to do with the Pacific Rim, and probably very little to do with graffiti. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SHOW IN THIS VIDEO BONE THUGS?
Things that make you go hmmm. I guess the dude is mad about the check cashing. That makes the most sense. Actually he doesn't look mad, maybe just disappointed. Fine. Another fat cat looking down on the poor. What else is new?
The next verse is similar to the previous one: church, car hood, block party, gazing into the crystal ball, repeat. I will say that the boys appear riveted by what they see in the ball, but from what I can tell, they're watching really boring shit. People sleeping, people reading the newspaper, people pushing shopping carts. Dudes, change it over to ESPN.
So the fat cat is back in the crystal ball, and he's still reading. BOORRINNGG. But now we see a new angle of the church, and I think Wish is playing a prank on everyone by putting his wig on a skelteon, he's going to give Layzie such a fright...
BEHIND YOU!
Ghost Hunters International. I like how laid back Wish's skeleton is. Str8 Loungin'. I could hang out with those bones. I guess that's why the rest of the team didn't have the corpse removed...it's just too chill. I get it. Plus it's like pure Bone.
So now we see that the fat cat newspaper reader is starting to sweat. What? Why? OH, he sees the homeless guy in a video on his desk (it's hard to explain).
Did he make that guy homeless? Definately. Is he feeling guilty about it? No way. Rich people hate poor people. Run and tell that. But wait, something major changes. The rich guy pulls a giant stack of money out of his jacket, and he starts dropping it on his desk. So of course it falls on the homeless guy who is so happy! No more homelessness! You're cured!
My heart has changed!
My luck has changed!
That's something. Is this some kind of social commentary? If the rich would only share the wealth the homeless would be happy? Or is this some kind of representation of what happens on the 1st of tha month, where people in need get money dropped in their lap by some unseen generous fat cat. Is the fat cat supposed to be god, or maybe the government? I wonder? No I don't. I don't care. This is stupid and rich people are the worst and they would never throw money at a poor person unless it meant that the poor person would be enterend into the Hunger Games or Running Man. You get the idea. Rich people hate you.
So the fat cat does his good deed and looks unsatisfied. Will he give more? Can he hear this Bone song?
NBC Presents: Wish on Wish
Ugh, is this almost over? No. Now the fat cat picks up a mini broom. Time to clean up? Yes. He sweeps the homeless guy (who he just helped) off the screen. That's weird.
Brush Brush Brush
Did the homeless guy get the money or not? I demand answers, but none come. There is a long stretch of Wish rapping and looking like he's having a great time. I wish I was there to have fun too! Wish Bone.
Now the crystal ball tunes back in to the little kid. And GOOD GRIEF, the fat cat is watching them too. Does anyone have any privacy anymore? So is the rich guy going to give them cash, and sweep them away too? Let's find out...
But wait! He's not watching them in a video, they're in his office or somthing, and he shuts the door on them and locks it. What? Maybe he's in their house. I don't know. Maybe it's all symbolic. Nobody will ever know since we never see them again.
Finally the fat cat comes accross Bone in the newspaper, it's a video of them around the ol' crystal ball.
What kind of horror will he bring down on our friends? Giant broom attack? Throw cash at them? I bet he closes the door on them too, I guarantee they are very noisy will all their harmonizing. It would be like living next to a barbershop quartet, only with five people in it. So if he closes the door, I think we'll all understand.
Old fat cat does the unexpected: he just throws away the newspaper. Done. But even with that Bone just keeps on rapping. In fact, they expand to a house party. Life gets better and better for the boys.
Who likes to rock the party?
And that's it. THE END.
IN CONCLUSION: What was any of that about? Maybe this video deserves a deeper analysis, maybe it deserves less. I don't know. I do know that the story part of this video made no sense. The rich guy gives money to the homless guy becasue he knows poverty is a problem, and the money brushes the problem away? He closes the door on famlies? He throws away BONE? Without the story portion of this video I think it would have been fine, but the story is hard to overlook. So is sleeping in church! SO IS THE CRYSTAL BALL. Nothing makes sense. Is the joke on me? Rapping on a blur car is pretty cool though. #respect.
