BEST & WORST of 2012



Exactly how we felt for 2012 (we're all Freeway).

Greetings from Knoxville, TN! HAHA just kidding, I would never go there. I assume it's the worst city of 2012! Are you getting an idea of what this is? It's a best and worst of 2012 list. Cool.

WAY BACK in January of 2012, when we published our terrible "Best & Worst" of 2011" entry, I realized that these year-end posts are hard and I should put more effort into them. Well, I didn't. In fact, I put less effort into this post then I did the 2011 post, and i barely put any effort into that at all (look I didn't even bother to capitalize that "i". Lazy). So here is our half-assed look at the best and worst on 2012.

Also, we're not exactly looking at hip hop in general for 2012. We're mainly looking at this lame blog. So fun.

BEST

2012 BEST RECORD RELEASE
Kreayshawn "Somethin' Bout Kreay"

It's hard to believe that when we came into 2012, none of us had any idea who Kreayshawn is was. Way back in January we tried to guess her identity just based on her name (we failed). Now, I don't have any problem with her gender or her race, but I have a major issue with her shit garbage music and her moronic friends. Anyway, her music is appaling and, as evidence of karma, she was rewarded with EXACTLY THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF ALBUM SALES: 4,000. HAHAH! I don't think we even talked about that on this blog friends, and it the best thing of the year! It's perfect. An idiot sells 4,000 records of bad music.

2012 BEST FIRST RESPONDER
Game "Uncle Otis", "Cough Up A Lung",




I'll spit the same 16 at your eulogy.


2012 BEST PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE OF THE YEAR
Cappadonna

It's no secret that none of us around here love voting, or elections, or presidential candidates, or rich people, or the system, or police, or wack rappers. I won't go into it, but we found a fantastic alternative to B.O. Bama and the other guy (who was that again?). CAPPADONNA. Who could be a better president? Answer that. Son wouldn't have even needed a VP. If we could turn back time we would rig the election and get our man in there. You fucks ruined the next four years.



2012 BEST STACK BOYS
$tack Boys (not Stack Boys)



Well, 2012 was the year we met both sets of Stack Boys, and decided which one should win the right to use the name "Stack Boys". Well, the preteens lost to some other teens, giving the $tack Boys the win. Nice job fellas. You still suck, but not as bad as some mallwhore rich kids.

2012 BEST NEW ARTIST
Krispy Kreme (or whatever he changes his name to)




I'm sure I'll regret this at some point. But fuck, kid. This guy released track after track and not only did they sucessfully mock all the shit that is wrong with rap, they're also kind of good. It's kind of genius and kind of annoying. Think about this, this track is at about the same quality as most new shit out there, the rhymes just seem more basic. These words alone locked him in a "best" slot: "haters want to be me". Genius and annoying. Gennoying.

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WORST
2012 WORST COUNTRY ON EARTH (TIE)

AUSTRALIA & CANADA

CANADA AND AUSTRALIA FUCKING SUCK AT RAP. I've been in fights on Twitter about this. I've been in fights in person about this. I argued with your mom about this. But I stand by it becasue it's a fact. Plus the only people who disagree are from those awful countries.

The only thing I might add is that not only do these two countries SUCK hard at rapping, their citizens are too stupid to know better. This ensures that they'll never lose the crown of terrible rapper nests. Even to England, which is so close to being in a three way tie with these two heaps of shit.

2012 WORST STATE
WASHINGTON

No surprise here. Almost every time I found an embarassing rap song it was from the garbage disposal state of Washington. "Cram your egg shells in the drain along with the waste water and dinner scrapings and grind that shit to go to the sewer" - That's what I say about Washington. #peeattle #spoklame #holempia
"Pugetsoundia" is a prime example.



Go Ka-Bang like Plow!

Runner(s) up: Idaho, Oregon


2012 WORST PEOPLE (TIE)
SCIENTISTS & COLLEGE PEOPLE

These educated people think they're so smart. Teaching us about medical crap, swearing at us about climate change, and restricting our right to smoke. F U, you're the worst. Don't rap anymore.

2012 WORST COLLABOBlondie "NO EXIT"

People, I know that this song is from 1999, but I heard it for the first time this year and it sucks megahard. I've even heard worse collaboration songs this year (French Montana), but this one is stuffed with people I respect, and I was expecting a lot more.

YOU BLEW IT BLONDIE, MOBB DEEP, INSPECTAH DECK, and U-GOD....YOU LOWERED YOURSELF TO COOLIO'S LEVEL LIKE FIFTEEN YEARS AGO - AND YOU EARNED A SPOT ON THIS LIST.



2012 WORST SIDEKICK / PRODUCER
Leatha Face (Leatha Fase)

This guy singlehandedly ruined the end of 2012 for us with his production work on the Hillside Scramblers nightmare that we've been reviewing. His beats are junk. At least his beats from the early 90's are junk...who knows what he's doing today. Plus, as U-God's right hand man, we've heard way to many of his incompetent rhymes from a decade ago. Hopefully, we won't cross paths as many times with this guy in the one-tre as we did in the one-deuce.


2012 WORST MIXTAPE TITLE
"The Cakeover" by Cako

What a joke.

IN CONCLUSION: That's it! This list should be on the "Wost" side of 2012, no? hatever, I hope your 2013 is more like the Stack Boys and less like the $tack Boys.

2012 SCORE 0/10

Hip Hop: Australia

What time is it Australia?

If you’ve read this blog at all you know that we hate hip hop that is not from North America (not including Canada). Why? It’s terrible. It sounds bad. It’s full of posing and fronting. It’s just bad. Apparently nobody on our giant planet knows how to make proper hip hop music.

So we had a company meeting and I understand that we are being awfully shallow and narrow about this, so we’ll go ahead and give international hip hop another chance. I’m open to the possibility that somewhere out there someone is making good music. So let’s start by taking a look at a country that is kind of like America: Australia. I’ve already encountered one rapper from the ‘Stralia: RAED. He is easily the worst rapper that I have ever heard, but I understand that everyone knows he stinks. Let’s see some real hip hop. What does Australia really have to offer?

So how do we see what Australia is producing in terms of hip hop. Well, they have a music award called the ARIA Awards (which somehow stands for Australian Recording Industry Association Music Awards). This is the largest award that an Australian artist can receive. Plus, it is voted on by the people of the country, so the people of Australia will tell me who the best Australian rappers are in their “Urban Music” category! Perfect! Let’s go…

So here are the nominees:

• Drapht “The Life Of Riley”
• Illy “The Chase”
• Koolism “The Umu”
• Phrase “Babylon”
• Vents “Marked For Death”

I haven't heard of any of these. Drapht won (if you were wondering), but we'll go ahead and look at everyone. Let’s get to it and get our feet wet with the Vents and their hit song “Marked for Death” from the album of the same name.

The Vents “Marked for Death” 

The track starts with some samples of Rakim and Biggie. Why not? Aren’t there any Australian rappers you could sample (nope). Then a really dumb beat kicks in, but it has nothing on the terrible rapping. Wow. Look how political the Vents are. Look how subversive the Vents are. Please keep opening our eyes to the injustice of the world Vents. This is the most straightforward conscious rap that I’ve ever heard. The vents directly tackle sweatshops (opposed to), uh, colonization (opposed), child labor (opposed), pollution (opposed), making “jamming” records (in favor of), tobacco (opposed), Israel (opposed), crack (opposed, I guess), police (opposed), oppression of women (in favor of), uh, religion (opposed, I guess). So that was fun and very subtle! I love lyrics that are so simple that I can just be hit over the head with them. You’re doing this exactly right! Another party jam? The Vents: YOU’RE THE WORST.

Phrase “Apart” from the album Babylon

OH BROTHER. You’ll know this song is the worst from the first “Yeeeeaaaahahhhh!!!!”. Actually, you’ll probably be tipped off by the awful music that sounds like something Beck would barf up. This isn’t rap. It’s like when Bono or someone decides to do a rap during a live performance of “With or Without You”. How is this in the “Urban” music category? This should be in the “Waste of bandwidth” category. And it should win that.

Koolism “Jam Hot” from The Umu

Well I think we’ve found the Australian version of  LMFAO. I’ll tell you what, that first song on this list (that I hated) is looking better and better. The beat sounds like a Casio Keyboard set to “Bass Breakdown” and the rapping sounds like if a class of middle schoolers got together and made a rap for an economics class. “But they don’t mention economics!” – you. Of course they don’t and neither would middle schoolers, they would just talk about afterparties and whatever other inane nonsense popped into their heads. This song is another turkey….SHOOT IT.

Illy “The Chase”

Two songs left. This one can’t be any worse than the last three, right? That’s what I thought, and then I heard the unsurprising piano beat. It sounds like a zany soap commercial. I want to quit this post, I should just walk away. But I can get through it, right? I mean this song might have more to offer...the rapping might be good. Sigh. Nope. It sounds like the Black Eyed Peas without Fergie. What a disappointment. Is this seriously the best you have to offer Australia? If so, this is not very good. Your country should retire from rap. Just throw in the towel. Start collecting retirement. You didn’t earn it with this trash, but we can’t let you just live in poverty eating stale bread or whatever the impoverished and untalented elderly do. I don’t know. Just stop with the rap.

Well folks, this is our last chance. Australia’s last chance to impress a first-rate American hip hop blog. Good luck. Fortunately you’re putting up your “Urban Music” champion for me to evaluate. You established that this is the best of the best you have to offer, and in doing so you also established that the other songs I’ve looked at here aren’t as good. This is Jay-Z level for Australia. WE CAN’T WAIT.

Drapht “Sing It (The Life of Riley)" from The Life of Riley

Latest tracks by Drapht

I have a big red button on my desk. If I push it I get ejected through the ceiling and into space or into the parking lot or something. It’s very powerful. I had it installed just in case I came across a post that was so hopeless that I couldn’t finish.  Music so bad that I couldn’t take it. Deep despair and hopelessness……So I know you’re wondering if I’m going to press that MFer. I didn’t. It got automatically engaged by my computer when five horrible songs were played in a row. It’s a failsafe to make sure that I don’t suffer any kind of brain injury from terrible music. I’m writing this sentence as I float safely to earth in a silent ejection pod. All I can say is that Drapht must have been really bad for the safety to kick in.

In summary: Australia is terrible at rap. I mean worse than Europe (probably), and definitely worse than Canada. I would go so far as to say that Austraila has the worst at rap on Earth. So avoid Austrailan hip hop at all costs. You won’t be missing anything at all.

Australia Score 0/10